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I am (Punch Line Camp).

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Thank you. Amazingly welcome, I should normally explain something immediately when I come on stage. It’s amazing, okay, I do cartwheels and backflips. It’s damn spectacular, but I hurt my back, that’s right, actually I pulled a muscle in my spine while playing golf. I know that you think I like playing such a stupid game is golf, but I’m not in agony, I’m on pain medication right now, no, it’s true if I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul knows all of you why I am like this, if the doctor is true, where the doctor tells me gave the Blood Pressure pain reliever he said now you can’t drink alcohol with it and went i don’t want it then he went what i said give me something you can drink no alcohol with you won’t drink Fever Reducer pain reliever, my damn mother, just so I can walk around like the elephant man for days, but without that obviously huh I assumed he had a big elephant tail that fit his head, though that would do things okay, then it wouldn’t be that it somehow would be the same. No, because then he would look in the mirror and talk. no. Oh look at that Gif Shaking damn head. I don’t know what’s going on down here. Swings and roundabouts Let’s celebrate that the buns are on me, so yes, those are my problems that I didn’t cancel, although I didn’t hate art being canceled (Real Book Navy).

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Your Turkish concept was canceled because of a sore throat. Ah, I couldn’t go on. I was depressed. Oh poor little artist Oh, can you imagine the worker trying not to do that? I have a small ticker when I’m tired of it. Ah, move, the damn brick mate never canceled. I made an appearance in Dublin a few months ago. Okay, and as you know Dublin is what’s on offer in Ireland. Yes, it’s off the UK coast. It’s not part of the UK, but it’s very close, it’s a bit like our Cuba, I suppose, and okay, so dublin oh up to the arena, 10,000 seats were sold out in advance of the flights, but they’re happy really minding it, a few days before the performance, they start grounding the planes because there is a volcanic ash cloud over Britain, okay, and if you seem to be flying through them, the plane is falling from the sky so you couldn’t fly, I mean, a volcano goes out in Iceland and we can’t but what is the purpose of Iceland really and I just fill all the volcanoes with concrete in order, only on asphalt all over the country and make it a parking lot for real Europe because there is one Waste of damn space is okay, so I think well, I have to go there, I can’t cancel and um, pop stars and people came over America and they canceled their flight because they couldn’t get in there now. thought I couldn’t, so I rented a helicopter to and from Dublin it cost me 12,000 right just because I couldn’t bear to let someone down or take the ferry that was still safe, but that would have meant mingling with the public, and I don’t know this is close as I did um, I don’t know if you are affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends who did stuck around the world and missed weddings funerals and returned to settle in a hotel for extra days because and they couldn’t get their money back because the airlines said no we can’t pay you because the New York insurance companies don’t pay us because they say it is an act of God, which is not an act of God (Funniest Person Marine).

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No, if you believe in God, it s kind of a definition of him. Isn’t it that he does everything? Isn’t it right? Everything is an act by him. He is almighty. He is everywhere with what invented. He invented everything that was nothing before him. If everything is fine, he doesn’t miss a trick and is not absent when a volcano goes out. It is not as if you were going to fuck. I left the oven on. You know, I know that these Cheap Car insurance companies can decide what an act of God is. How do you know it’s okay to have a hotline to God? You call him (Standing Ovation Body).

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Do they ring? Ringing Hello, can I speak to God? Please talk. Oh, I didn’t think you would answer the phone, volcanic ash cloud was you yes yes, that was an active me, so I shouldn’t pay off, no damn it, don’t play him a penny son, not a brilliant brilliant, while i have here you dropped a tree on steve baxter’s car as much baxter’s steve baxter to acacia a street hounslow it happened on june 3rd this year at 2 15 3 no that was not i was in africa that you helping him gives everything he does everything that turns out I’m not making the rules well I’m glad I didn’t count everything because being a senior is fantastic. Happy smileys probably feel very happy that you managed to get a ticket to a living legend that know I know, you lucky fucker, you’re really kidding. Of course, the pleasure is all mine. Thank you for coming out and spending your hard earned money I know there was a recession in someone who told me I didn’t really, I didn’t really, if I’m honest we can now laugh about it, come on, I don t understand the recession until I found out last year that you can go to your bank and say I can withdraw my money and they can go, no, yes, I have Saved 50,000 pounds, how about you, uh, where is it? I lost it well. Did you check the vault? It is empty. What was the reason for this? You might as well keep it in a drawer. Oh, I hope you enjoy the show. Oh, you’ll let me know, won’t you? Say something funny, you laugh and I have everything that I will keep for the rest of the tour, when I say it’s not funny that you don’t laugh and I have that I lose that little bit, so a couple tonight Pieces get lost Be exclusive to you, they are the shit you were granted. Okay, let’s start the show (White Garbage Marriage).

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Let us continue. Nobody wants to be here all night. Um, you can have too much good ya though like heroin, even though too much heroin is death, that’s basically when you know that you had too much, that you were fucking dead you think I did I’ll give it a try, Harry, I’ll just give it a try, give me a heroin, give me a heroin, okay, I only have one or what it’s like to be beautiful, I want more, I can’t just tap it like Pringles, it’s like you can’t stop when you show up. I think that’s how it works. I am not an expert and believe it or not. I’ve never been addicted to heroin. No applause for that. see, not a round of applause for never being addicted to heroin when either came out and left. Yes, I was a Harry now, now that I have attacked people and shit in the doors. Yes, he hasn’t done these things for a while (Beautiful Hair Fitness).

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Yes, he did these things that we didn’t do at all, why are you applauding someone for suddenly behaving like a Nor? Sometimes a member of society, it’s like I’ve lost a bit of weight. I lost about 20 pounds. They basically applaud me that I only ate much as I need now. said I should have always done that because I was a greedy lazy bastard, there is no other x right and I need the people who called me now and they are leaving, well, well done, you see great, but they won’t tell me that I look terrible, they basically say I look terrible, no, nobody told me back then that it was really taboo. I needed waiters to come over and fucking fuck you. I’ve been criticized in the past for trying fat people. I’ve never tried to find fat people. I just pointed out that you get fat if you eat more calories than you burn. This simple science that I don’t judge in any other aspect of their lives, but that’s what happens if you eat more calories than you burn, that’s fat and it’s undeniable that people think trying, I’m not Because I don’t judge her when I see a fat person, I don’t make assumptions about him other than her. got fat and that’s the other thing you don’t have to wait for, but not only that you let fat people know that this is what makes them fat (Oscar Wilde Fit).

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No one got fat behind their own backs, no one and then left, what the hell is that okay, it’s not a surprise, it’s a gradual process where you have a lot of time to withdraw from this project, and no one sneaks in either the homes of thin people and injected a million calories into their lettuce that don’t happen, okay, they know what – when you puff up he’s surrounded by cakes pies, and go, you know what makes you fat, right, he doesn’t go who runs, he knows what it is, but I don’t make judgments other than how they got fat, okay if I see a fat person that I don’t walk. Oh he’s fat. That’s why he’s right. A lot of my miseries, right? When I see a fat girl, I don’t go. I’ll be pretty if she would lose weight rarely, so don’t fall for it, okay, a lot of them started eating because they had everything lose so no, but there’s no stigma because people use the word fat don’t even want to use it now because I think derogatory, it’s a real taboo subject, so they use euphemisms, they go, oh you know, Brenda, the big girl, what seven feet no no, not what she looks like Brenda. You know she is the one who is wet even in winter. Just say it’s fat. It is your choice. If you want to be fat, it’s fine, but they don’t like them. You know she’s out of breath, just get up at her desk, but even though it’s her own fault and it’s her own fault, I’m sorry right now (Comic Book Windows).

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I make women particularly because fat is a feminist problem. Men get fat and we just go fuck everything you bought and paid for, you know we are not under the same social constraints or that women are flooded with pictures of how you should be zero size. Models of this diet that look like keep your husband and then make such an effort, so fat girls don’t like it. It has Outre Big beautiful hair, even though it was up in the hair. It doesn’t have Outre Synthetic beautiful hair. Oh, it has Lace Front beautiful hair. Oh, there are beautiful false nails. I try to jog anything but right. You love high heels, don’t you? Your legs look less, don’t you? You can just hear him coming. I don’t want fat people to feel uncomfortable during one of my performances (Sick Jokes Army).

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The next time I buy two seats, I’m joking. I am best, I am Joe Giada I have not tried it I just want to point out that you know that I was listening to the radio in England a few weeks ago because it was pretty high profile. There have been discussions about political correctness. My name came out okay and there was a woman with it Oh yes, it’s not right, I’m shaky. Gervais is um, he jokes about fat people. He wouldn’t be joking about gay people. Being woody and fat is like being gay. No, it is not what you cannot choose sexuality, as we have determined, you decide whether you overeat or not You are born with your sexuality. You grow up. You discover that you like same-sex relationships and is that you are gay (Mexican Rooms Weight).

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Okay, but for me being gay is just like being fat. You should be born. re straight but gradually and deliberately wean yourself on oh happy 16th birthday son this is rough i kinda suck his sorry dad suck his 16 now suck his i’m heterosexual all with his new words suck his come on i doesn’t like a dad doesn’t like a How do you know if you’ve never sucked a before? I sucked a cocksucker that doesn’t suck. He is playing with you. Put it in your mouth. Oh, how the goal is you might like it oh it’s not that bad it is that I love this damn it, if that happened it would be the same as being gay but it is not that it’s not right that i was on a plane last year okay from la yeah okay me and my girlfriend were one side of the plane there was the aisle and the other side there were these two huge fat women okay, right, one of them just got in and left. Can I have an extension? Yes, cool, she can. I really deserved to think about calling the pilot and going if one of us traded with one of them, otherwise we just go to Canada, don’t you think, and one of them was even fatter than that others, okay, and she was there and got on the plane with one of those take-away fast food buckets. I mean, there is your first clue as to when that happened when fat people just gave up, when they went into a store and I’ll fuck it. Just treat me like a farm animal, really put me in a bucket, strap me up just on my damn head and I’m just going to be a bucket, really you want your food in a bucket, yeah right, so she’s there and she eats right and I swear she turns to her fat friend and says this is the best Roast chicken that I’ve had all day, but I won’t try (Write Cleanly Corps).

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I will not go. No, I’m not no. I’m not because it’s her own fault and it’s her own fault I don’t know if you know about fat people, um, they love cakes, they love it right and I blame the food industry because you go to the supermarket go and it’s just full of stuff, everything is packed with hardened fats and extra cannabis sugar butter everything and they love that and it’s always a big door to a supermarket awesome, they have a quadruple door, it’s not that nobody was ever too fat to get through the door of a supermarket? Okay, and it opens automatically so after pushing Kara everything is easy and it’s a good job to use your own automatic glass and you can see the cake grazing down the street now so I say hold the big door, hold the big door, hold the big door sure that fat people come to go, but when they get in there it’s all fresh fruit and vegetables, it’s all whole grain, it’s all stuff, the good thing Scared, okay, of course it’s confused. At first I thought that this is not real food for her. They think Brussels sprouts are packing everything in order. You look where the cakes are, where’s the cake s the cakes are over here, but the cakes are through another door, but this door is human-sized, okay, now they go as the cakes they are good, oh damn it, and they are starving, oh what is that banana and a good man, oh fuck a different color of the air back and forth for days and the fats for free so that they can slip through the door and have a cake that they will not have again can go out. No, but I mean, but we have to do something we have Oh, intervene and people say no, it has nothing to do with you. It’s up to them, it’s their body, it’s their life and that’s true, but we’re not saying we crush our gloves or if you have a family heroin addict that you have Don’t go, oh, it is Life, you love to arrow. You know you’re going You go. No, you have to stop (Kobe Bryant Loss).

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You couldn’t please, Diane. You get him in a closet or something you can’t throw for three weeks A fat person in the car that we didn’t support like I do, but you know heroin addicts. I don’t weigh anything. You can toss them around Willy-Ni right, in fact, if they’re in there and need, why don’t you just get one of the two films and they just go in the closet, okay, fat people, you have to attract a little bit, try the chocolates and they just follow that somewhere, but we have to do something because a third of the world or obese and a third of the world are starving. The fats eat the thin ones. Basically, I know most of the thin guys in Africa are so out there I know, but no, I can talk about Africa like this because I’m from the UK and we did it when we had the empire and ruled the world, before you took over. We used to be owned by Africa, but then, in the 1950s or 1960s, Africa wanted to be ruled in the south, they wanted independence, and I said we would like to run ourselves. We went well, so we gradually started giving Africa back to the Africans, and up to the seven it was totally you know the Africans themselves and of course we get a call in the eighties Gippy Grewal hello who is that africa? What do you want? We are starving. You should have thought about it before you wanted it. Life isn’t just right behind it for Christmas, I’m really into animal welfare and that’s obviously meant for parents whose children walk (Current Joke Graduation).

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Can I have a copy? Can I have a puppy and am I going? No, can have a puppy can? Oh, and they get her puppy to silence her properly, and the child likes it, when it is cute, it grows up, the kids come to other interests, get ball with the dog they trample the parents with, the parents are bored with it, there are eleven thousand pets left in England last year, which is awful and I think you know children should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I don’t have children of my own, but I have a lot of nieces nephews and they have their own children now and I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I also want to be responsible and not add to the scatter problem, but think i solved the dilemma, it’s tit, that’s what i do anyway, you have to wait until christmas eve and always go to an Safe Haven animal Costa Rica rescue center, not a breeder, and i would go christmas eve to an New Beginnings animal Exotic Feline rescue center and me go to the veterinary area and they usually have a run that was born disabled with no quality of life and they just put that out of their misery but i don’t go no kill it i take this and they go it will only live a day that’s perfect, and I run over, don’t die yet, don’t die a little Starbucks a little Starbucks and I rush into it I call my niece, she’s coming nnt uncle ricky got your puppy ah oh you gave me a puppy yes your best uncle got your puppy yes go and claim it go quickly and play with it and she fills it up in bed with her christmas when she sleeps that she goes to the Christmas days wakes up, dead cold, stiff guard, so no result and I always come down the next day I go oh my pop is dead my pop is dead look at everything the puppy your uncle brought you bit and whatever afterwards happened is not this problem. I go and I go. Oh, maybe you turned around the night they start I killed my puppy. I killed my father. I go. No, you didn’t kill Jesus. Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday because you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present. Usually they jack up their ideas next year, the other big campaign at Christmas Don I don’t drink and don’t drive right behind it.

These days when I was growing up there was a lot more stigma attached to whether you got away with it or not, but people now know that it is all that ruins the life I would get into. The car than I do Was a child with adults family and I go, no cannot, you cannot drive if you have too much to drink and they go, sir, I will not get caught then and now that people know it is true, I did it once and I’m not proud of it, I’m damned ashamed of it and that was Christmas, I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit and I took the car out and knew shouldn’t I didn’t know that I shouldn’t drive, but I learned my lesson because I almost killed an old woman and no, in the end I didn’t kill her. I just raped, but as I said, luckily I got a thousand one shot, she had Alzheimer’s, so none a credible witness or spiders they’re always ready for, they’re not always ready for they’re always ready action a spider it’s always damn ready for action like this always ready for action always I mean, some animals are sometimes ready for you start with a cat and it cools down for a few seconds and it goes back to relax with most of the time a cat just lies on the floor, only on the side. All four limbs are only extended in one direction. You will never see such a spider. You will never see a spider lying on the carpet with your head bowed and legs stretched out so they are always all and they are always ready in all directions like the damn matrix so they don’t have to turn, they have ten eyes, eight legs and ten eyes, it’s over the top, okay, and you’re ready even if you don’t think they’re ready You can see a blank web, okay, and you go that spiders aren’t ready to touch the web what touches the web and is there. Door on the side, do you think a pleading idiot? I don’t know that I did exactly what God said to him, and then God said to Noah. Okay, now this is for kids, but it’s from Old Testament history in the Bible, but I don’t think the author of this book is a zoologist since we said there could be five million animal species. I do not think that he knows them completely you should take two of every kind of animal into the ark lions tigers two elephants and so on well I have lion tiger elephants so you go on and keep them alive and well Noah did what God said Now I had to study this scenario, okay, so God is angry with the humanity he’s fed up with and they’re angry, right, he’s going to wipe them out and just start again with no and his wife, he is also angry with the animals, for some reason that I don’t have. So he will start again, if only two of each type call a flood, build an ark no goe s right at any speed to do it quickly as possible – there is a rush elephants – just walking ain’t no hurry just going for a walk baby i think this one is a little bit more concerned than this one that it probably goes should we not fly no i could do that all night sure yes i mean we have wings you have feet.

Wow, why don’t you put the elephant in there looking at me weirdly? Yes, my damn hammer if you try to push me in. I will stomp you, big nose, you hold on and did you call big nose? What do you think? No, it’s just a pot that calls a kettle black. What the hell does that do Forget I’m a damn elephant. camels, lions, ostriches, leopards, tigers, two zebras. Ah, here is the core of my position. Just one species on the ark to get two of them there, two animals on the ark of the moment ten million more animals, ten million more of which are fine, ten million fine, up to 10 million of them, to get there just to keep going there. See how much space is already occupied. It is a third capacity as it will be there. When these two fat pussies got along, God bent down the bar of his anger in the rain and flooded the earth with water. It rained for 40 days and nights.

The flood continued to rise until it covered the peaks of the highest mountains. The living being had drowned, except for Noah and the animals in the ark and the fish, which were doing well. Weren’t they okay? You would love it. You were better off. In fact, the whole sea, I mean mountains under water, had their domains ten times more interesting that you got crabs going. I’m on a damn mountain. It’s a thing I never want to have. I’ve never been up here before I think about it when you see on the news as if there’s a little worm village in Gloucester Floode d or so it’s really sad to see people have lost their homes and their end is over and they carry their pets and you see a small row of antique shops completely under water and I’m thinking of a fish that only enters the window of an antique shop for the first time, so that’s a shed for a hundred and fifty days. The earth was covered with water that narrowed in the ark’s window and saw that the water seemed to be sinking, but how could he be sure that we would? Ask God you’ve been chatting all the way with him. Why do we become, why do they suddenly become cryptic? He sent a raven out, but it soon flew back.

It couldn’t find a place to settle. Don’t wait until he’s out of a pigeon another week, why did the raven lose his job, but the pigeon came back to see that the raven wasn’t shit. There is still no dry land, but one day the Open Hay pigeon flew out and why the pigeon got a second try and not The Raven Racist, but one day the Hay Door pigeon flew out and brought back a green oli ve branch and nobody knew that God not was more angry when God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark, then it was once fulfilled. Earth, as a living thing, the first thing Noah did was build an altar. He offered a sacrifice God to thank him for his salvation. Noah said I’ll make a pact of friendship with you. I would never send a flood again to destroy earth. The rainbow that I put in the sky will no longer be a sign of my anger, but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men. That’s how it is used today.

You took him literally. It will be a sign of me friendship with men that starts today and that my son Jesus will prove one day by shedding his blood for men who you see that there is no Old Testament teaser campaign that is coming soon appears in the sequel, and if you did something wrong and you are very sad about it, think of the rainbow and the peace that God wants to put in your heart that he promised to be your friend, promised to be, and this is just one of 12 in the pigeon book series that I only have a number 9 now, although I think my favorite would be number 8 only from the t itle jesus and the crippled thank you cheer I read the whole book to carl and he believed everything, why shouldn’t he write it down and i said carl think how could they put 10 million animals on a boat carl went they said it was a big boat but they did it, that’s true, i said, but they are d all the part of the food chain that they literally should have eaten to survive, why didn’t the lion eat the antelope, why didn’t the spider eat the fly, and Carl said, because in a crisis you all work amazingly together. I would like to make a book with its quotes. I love books with quotes. I love reading it for pleasure only. I have a few of these compilations and then one of my heroes is Winston Churchill and when I read give us the tools and we will finish the job. I thought how inspiring and when I never read human conflict, I was owed so much by so many to so few that I thought how patriotic and when I read it is good for an uneducated man to read quotes I naughty fat idiots always tell me that Canterville Ghost oscar wilde is the greatest genius that has ever lived. Let’s look at the evidence. Okay, here’s one of his women like her mothers. That is their tragedy.

No man does that. It sounds a bit gay to me I don’t just give myself guy another I couldn’t help it I can’t resist anything Dorian Gray Oscar Wilde except temptation sounds gay think I want to start with a new one that I go for want or what might hit you now know mean i don’t want to end it I can resist anything Lady Windermere except temptation chants to be a fine thing. You know that when I went through customs in New York all years ago and the customs officer was doing his job, I said you had something to explain, Dorian Gray Ideal Husband oscar wilde, as you know, said nothing, but my genius was not funny I just bought a few damn brilliant de signs, I always make this excuse, can I come back to that now? Oh yes, it’s weeks back in those days on the boat to England. Just remember to say that again and then not explain anything that would make the genius happy in a book rotation Watch 28 weeks later it gets there again. The same guy walks up to him. His own ego didn’t even fucking ask excuse me, I didn’t ask randomly three Side Effects weeks later. Okay, and if he gets there at that point, he’ll find the same guy who’s starting to look dodgy this time, so he’ll be picked right there. Yes, right, did you buy something that is not the question other than you and leaves? The butt plugs I own are locked up in red jail for homosexuality. We are far from being punishable as it should be, and England are now measuring your consent, as is heterosexuality, now 16, and even gay marriage, although I ronically saw the only place that was really ahead of the game was at last election in California a little bit back. Referendum You put it to the vote and you voted no to gay marriage.

I mean, people go in California. That is why we moved here. I mean, it’s a Deep Purple strange kind of bigotry that you can influence someone else’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like you asked a guy who once apologized. Do you mind if these two men get married? You are out of order. Okay, she jerks off. Wow, I didn’t know that was done. It’s also a Peter Murphy strange kind of bigotry because these people object. They were probably the same people who said you know gay people are immoral and are ours, but now they don’t have to be monogamous and respectful in God’s eyes, and it has to be so confusing for a gay man in California who thinks that’s the bit they don’t like with all the other shit we do. It is marriage. Let’s get so confused that they have go to judges and go so I can clarify the rules of what you want to know. I just didn’t know what we can and can’t ask, can I marry a man I can’t, I’ll fuck him in the ass to give him a short range. Please can’t marry him, but can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and bring him home and berate him and throw him out in the morning, all crispy and homeless, what I could marry he could no and I couldn’t ask 15 men again I am only riffing here I can line up 15 men and just bring him down to laugh if you want yes it gets difficult right? Getting 15 men at once is going to be like turning a plate, no, because you know that you can’t really do both at once, so you would have to blow both of them, but then you would lose it in your clothes Macaron wanks 15 minutes Wine and a sip. I never thought I would say, oh oh, there are people who say being gay is not natural, it is natural and I have a book to prove that homosexuality is about the same animal incidence as in human society. This is a 6th Edition real book called biological exuberance, animal homosexuality and natural divers. The evidence is convincing and it seems that there is practically no species that has no gay community, which does not mean that chimpanzees look up wearing a certain street leather cap and starfish is a Sixth Edition real book and we have the first slide please right this is a Hal Leonard real book okay really absolutely real okay two men stumble macaques in mutual fellatio share each other they share their erosion erode next foil okay a male squirrel monkey on the right a general ad towards another man, um, he’s just going what do you think about it and this goes what’s shit, okay, he’s small and why, because we’re gay, I’m not you, damn it, how he holds it and he has his leg up extra buy in there look in it can you imagine my face when I discovered this book next slide please ah okay a female olympic marmot assembles another woman now i don’t know what’s inside for one of the two m unless the above wears a strap on another Slide oh that’s a doozy okay two forms of copulation between genital slit male dolphins or anal penetration over and under blowhole penetration oh yeah basically he fucks him in the head it’s in the head he fucks him in the head laser I’ve never seen me in a wild documentary never saw why i have never seen this why you do maybe it is not in the wild maybe it is in the sea world what is like in your prison and you We’re going to fucking go two miles as if some people think we are fish, we could do it just as well, okay, I mean, look at him, Dave, what can do, we couldn’t do it ass like you no it’s in the head or nothing what dave i love you but i cant fucking breathe this is a Bass Clef real book this is a Song List real book we could look like that i love the fact that you found like one Turkey and rag2 to show how gay animals can be the gayest animal in the world oh yes, hope i have not offended anyone on any of the issues, now i do that is not the point i am not trying and. insult if I’ve insulted anyone and I’m sure I don’t apologize, no, I think you should be able to justify everything you do and I just think that a comedian will take you to the place should be where you are. ‘It has never been before, otherwise you could do it yourself. There’s enough Anodyne comedy out there to do only things you know doesn’t make a difference, and there’s this defiance of the comedian who apologizes if they go too far I think know you to go. Oh I am sorry. I didn’t mean it well. You should know better. Then there’s a witch hunt right now with people saying, oh, is there anything you shouldn’t be joking about? No, you have nothing shouldn’t be kidding depends on what the joke is comedy comes from a good or a bad place and it is up you to decide what that is and I think there is a big debate about B3ta Book Bad Temper B3ta Book sick jokes, if peter kameena now makes Oscar Pistorius Temper Resulting Oscar Pistorius sick jokes about Boston Marathon Ny Times Boston Marathon sick jokes, if we tell a Funny Pictures sick joke that it is wi With the explicit understanding that neither party is really like that, I would not tell friend a Fear Inheritance sick joke. I would not go. Yes, buddy, you’ll love that more than any other son, and I’ve never been in trouble about anything. I said in my professional career because I refused to apologize for what they can do to you. You know that you grew up. know you try things and you get misunderstood a bit, not like the dolphin. I mean, you know when I was about 23 24 years old. My girlfriend met this other couple they had moved to London from the north of England. I came in to play so I worked and we had a few drinks or they were cool people and they are fun and after we met a few times they invited us to their house for a cake and we went with it was a dinner party they hadn’t warned us about, but – it was for their family who had come from the north to see how they were doing, and it was both their parents and grandparents the average age of ts and big uncles is 85 years old and i think we were an afterthought, we thought oh god we don’t know anyone our age so shaky and jane so we went along and still got to know them so spoke he only with him all night we didn’t really mix with the older people and then I say we use comedy as a sword shield and medicine but usually when they get to know you we use comedy to close the ice break Are you like-minded, what can you take, what do you like, and I’ve always pushed the boundaries a little to make my people laugh at things I didn’t think they could, but you know then that you know that everything turns guess I told this joke why the little girl fell off the swing because she had no arms, yes sweet and they laughed a little louder than that there were only two of them, so thank you, right, no, I thought okay, they’ll get it, they like it that way and so you get a little bit up, don’t push and I told this joke, oh I need a drink to get the car to start seriously. I said this joke made sure the old people couldn’t hear that I was fine. Father was sitting at home reading the newspaper. His little girl comes running. She is only six hello. Hello dad, you played in the park, yes, with your friends well, until the man came, until the man, yes, man came and he asked my friends to go, so it’s just me and him, darling, come over whatever happened, none of this was your fault, okay darling, none of your fault, but tell dad every detail of what happened, um, he put me behind a tree, so no, i could see what you have done. I have darling in there what happened. um, he took off my dress. Oh what happened next gun um, he took his thing out, oh god darling, and what happened then, nothing that was, we’re gonna make something up, don’t tell anyone that I wanted to be one, so I said that the joke always gets a little drunk when it tells jokes, right? Finally we sat down to eat over quart uh to 10 am they put two tables together and the hosts at both ends and they put me in the middle opposite this very cute but very deaf. I absolutely had to be right, I had to film, but I’m the only one in the top-class lounge, okay, and I was still trying to stay rational so they know it’s safe that everyone is looking for a terrorist now They leave everything clear until Monday and then it happened, which threatened my rational thoughts that I had a small breakdown in the first-class lounge about 30 minutes before boarding. This guy, i don’t know if it was north african or medium sized east or asian but you had all the equipment in order beard control the tosh.o case in order and here is your bourgeois kind of liberal went i was suddenly an employee Kind of banal entertainment involved, but flight on time they go, what’s the weather like in London, as if they were going, it’s a bit cloudy, but it’s right, it didn’t happen, so I’m right there and I look over it and I think of all the running until then and the week or the news nothing, but now there is a struggle between good and bad b between rational and irrational, okay, this is going on. Oh, that’s a Year Old suicide bomber. Oh, very stupid. Of course it’s not, how did you know he looked like this? Wow Bart Tag, I’m stupid, then he makes a call and I can’t understand what he said, be a little angry. Okay, everything goes here. We made a call. Exactly that. No, you just made a call. Yes, but not in a foreign language. He was checked, like the rest of us check the beard, yes, they checked the beard, yes, and then I look at him. I have to be absent with everything going on in my head and he catches me looking and he does it because everything we know he knows is right no he knows why you are looking at me. Zed, that’s been all prejudice for months. Stop looking at him. Yes, right, but this wins the fear. It beats all the rational thoughts in the world and I wanted no, it could be, which could probably not know well that the statistics are yes today, but it still won’t happen. Don’t say that it won’t happen to us humans. 9 to 11 said that it would not happen to them. Yes, but all tests, yes, wherever they find new ways to get through our discovery, we have to go back on yes, you’re right and suddenly I thought, oh my god, it, that’s it and this wave of Nausea and you suddenly realize oh my god i’m witnessing this is okay if anyone thinks we’re racist damn it let’s report him and be a misplaced live racist just for that In case it’s right and I don’t know and now I think it will be soon as Obama and I think I’ll get on the plane and die but I won’t do anything about it and I’m almost in tears and that everything happens in a few moments and i look over there and he is accompanied by his wife who has all the equipment and there are two little girls okay and i suddenly go ah of course he is not a New York suicide bomber if you want to see 72 virgins you take not the woman and the children r long like that, although he and I got on the plane and of course he wasn’t a terrorist now, was a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it and I wasn’t relieved and then it was a businessman and a family man he was playing with his two little girls, I kept running up down and slapping my chair. He didn’t do anything against it, okay, nothing at all, okay, and he kind of chased him and I really squeaked what I got.After half an hour, I was hoping some would blow up the damn plane for two hours, but in something really strange happened at that time. I became so paranoid about terrorist attacks that I took private jets and helicopters everywhere just because I was so rich no again my philosophy was that I am the only person on this plane and definitely have no bomb, so we’re fine, know you and I took a helicopter one day and waited at the helipad, okay, rewind two days before I was at home and I had material ials and there was a carton of milk with the things of the missing on the back and I had a thousand seen from it, okay.uh, who wants to be a real comic and uh, who does that just to get a better perspective on public speaking and comedy in general? Someone like this really wants to be a comedian. I just wanna have fun and hang out with cool people kick ass yeah you ain’t here for anything else hey from uh yeah come on the radio you always come inside you man yeah so i love paul and wrong they are weird me I’m here to save my don I don’t know, the bigger you know I think that’s better. I don’t know you’re not good Do not worry. I’m not here to inspire you. I am here to really give you. You know, I mean, you paid a ton of, and I’m trying to make it worth it, um, I’ll talk, just so you know I’m not getting paid, okay, I didn’t come here for money. Louie asked me to come and help younger comics. I started when I got up. I was 17. I didn’t know I was still high. I won a radio contest and had to open up to Kennedy. Sam told me move to Houston and get up, that’s where he started. I didn’t even wait for my graduation. I just received my diploma email and went to Houston for the comedy workshop where he was famous for being part of the Texas Outlaws. The only ones that are really left or Carla Beau, maybe Ron Shock. Some of you don’t know that you should get to know them. You are brilliant artists. Other alumni. Maybe you know that Bill came from uh The workshop was closed. Another comedy venue had taken the comedy showcase this round. Danny Martinz, one of the smoothest comedians I’ve ever seen, taught me how to do it. I need to know if you are a hobbyist is not the right place if you are a hobbyist to have fun with, but you have to understand the hostility that comes from the comedians because you take the time, they take the stage time, They don’t take piss seriously because they have a lot of people waiting, I remember coming here and barely getting any stains in the first two weeks, although I had great times because Eddie Griffin came in and did an hour and a half and then Andrew came in and did another hour and a half and between them they got seven laps and they all go out and it was all right so I’m here at one o’clock and barely doing well but people who just stroke their tail have get their place, but that’s the game, um, it’s not okay, they won’t all be great, that’s just the truth you can. There are certain things you can do to help yourself. Every day, when you first show hands that have been doing stand-ups, write to someone okay for more than a year, two, eight, one, two guys, where are you from Kaiser Permanente orange county? One from Eagle Rock. Now they live in Real Housewives orange county. Okay, how about a hurricane here in La, um, when you’re eight years old? I’m starting to get everyone on their feet. Then if you don’t know what you’re doing, you can tell if the joke is in the comedy, if a young comment tells you that they have 20, they have five if they are saying they have 40 that’s the truth you know when you weave hack and stage work i mean you may have done 40 but that doesn’t mean you have for it. The minutes are difficult to obtain. When you get it, you know that a few things are number one. Write, my favorite show is right and order on tnt, I can watch it twice a day, that’s two hours in a week, that’s 14 hours in a month, that’s almost 60 hours a year, that’s over 720 hours, it’s a lot of time that I haven’t done. If you spend it right, you can sit there and know that everyone in this city is waiting for something happen to them, instead of being proactive when you’re in Los Angeles comedy you need in the first 90 days to be three in four places where comedy is done every night of the week, break, no date with the girlfrien I want her go to the clubs with you goes. No, I will meet the friend. No, there is none of it. If you want to do it, you have to do it and. you commit to it, that’s why we’re different stand-ups, weird, we’re up, that’s why we have to do comedy, that’s where fun comes from everyone and the really only ones who’ll get it and understand that Business Your brothers are, okay, wet, black or brown, okay, can’t be thin skin. You have to thicken everything when it comes to getting up. The best advice I have ever been given is to play a game every time you go on stage five points for a new joke two points for a day and one point for reordering yours and the reason why you did that doing is um like your first five minutes you’ve ever written. You went out and did it and you never did it in front of an audience and then it takes years return to that kind of bold confidence, okay, your first five minutes will be great. You understand how difficult that is, now you’ve made it so open for a while your plot with a brand new five minute bet, you can make it difficult and you did it when you did it the first time you were okay when perform, you know that you are fine three nights a week. In la you have the opportunity to do at least two to three. Let’s just say okay, two places at night, okay and given the rise of the same ethnic groups. Let’s say we omit 10 places a week during the week, that’s 520 places if you do each Accumulated five minutes of different material. Do you understand how far you can develop your comedy that you have written for four hours? When you start to break it down, comments stop our thoughts from doing it better. We cannot write new things or I cannot, but there is something to say even if you are alive. know you have to live. You have to learn that know you have to see people’s reaction. You have to be a keen observer and you have to observe things that have not been observed before it is difficult. It’s not easy, but you also take advantage of all the benefits during your day that you take drama classes okay i have a lot of mine, i’m ep on a tv show, i’m fine and i have one comedy that asks me You know if I can act because they gave them a lot of money Now don’t, I tell them I have been taking Los Angeles acting classes since 99. Okay, they don’t give the reason why I took them when I couldn’t afford anything that you know I would take out behind the scenes West there are, um, the cult school, the Church of Scientology, okay, they are fine and they are like $ 15. Thank sir you are welcome they are like $ 15 and in the end they try you know play the mojo on you with the iq springsville ok okay say hey i gotta put a change in the middle bank so they come out to get information, because whether they’re a wack job or not, that’s the industry and they’re in it’s okay, sometimes it’s stroke-proof, sometimes the best things to get you out of a class Even if these are associations with your comedian colleagues, this class s had to be formed if kyle and louie had invented it, it had to be done because there is no solidarity. Comics are not related to other comics. All young comics know everything because they’re doing a different kind of comedy that doesn’t require Comedy Club punch lines, and that’s right if that’s what your butt is floating on. You make money that is great. I made $ 1.2 million last year. I plan to do about 1.6 right. And how I did it was by starting a TV show, but I didn’t even win I didn’t win the TV show I finished second. The guy who won took a two-year hiatus from the comedy and worked on an action-adventure show on Sea World that’s true. Okay, Hugo, you do that, no, I made it up, I would say pf check if the truth is okay, that’s the truth, why did I pound, why didn’t he pound, why did I pound and why he doesn’t have the more voices he has, but I’ve been doing stand-up comedy for 14 years. When I knew the microphone, I knew jokes that I made as headliners, you know and I mean, it was a baptism of okay, if you want to learn in la comedy, do it in Hollywood and above in the coffee shops and. I won’t do it, no one has ever been brought out of the cafe. It never happened that Garofalo tried to say that she was that bitch. A comedy workshop created by comedy clubs that got sweaty on stage with Richard Pryor’s sweat. You have to go where real comics are and you have to go where real audiences are fine. People who snap and get into the hippie. It won’t be a good judge. It doesn’t represent the 264 million people who don’t live in la or new york know you need to know that you can do the coolest here, but don’t really translate that um, I think it’s important to you these um, there are rooms around la where you can get a lot knowledge of it are not the big clubs um, they are one night, um, get in touch with the latino night. Ask some of these people if you can go to some of these Crossword Clue mexican rooms. People go rafi, why would you ever go to these Mexican rooms, okay, if I started in la okay, I got it here in 99 on the first night that I presented in or from Mitzi, it brought me here, okay, another person had done that, it was roseanne um i presented myself for jamie, with whom he signed me in my first week, i got 25 a-room sets a week okay and i didn’t even have me presented when improvising because I was too busy. They heard from me and invited me to perform there, which doesn’t happen, but I was prepared when I got here. I had a great five minutes that I knew exactly what I wanted to do I had a great 8 minute set. I had a great 15 minute set and I had a great 20 minute set. All the time when I refined these sets and sharpened them I added Crossword Clue punch line where there was no San Francisco punch line I added a day and I took it to where it was so strong that you couldn’t ignore it where they were when Dan Cook moved to be in front. A lot of people happened that he did but I was the first one after he got a Tiwa Savage standing ovation, I would get one too and not many people did that, it’s okay, but it’s because I had all this knowledge from old comics, that it helped me and I worked Hell Gig to Hellgate and did after show now if you’re verbose young comics after young comics you use too many words the spoken word is much shorter than the written word. Okay, the way to remove the slag from your plot is to take up a normal news book and then write one line from your plot and then skip three lines and write another line from your plot. Okay, and do all the way and then go back and take out any unnecessary word to realize the point so that you can all do this very rarely. Know that under 10 to 15 years of age, every word in their storyline is very, very rarely put down. Okay, you can do a lot of unnecessary things and you will lose time, yes, but you will get stronger. You will tighten your umm. Do you know how to construct the plot? Do you know how to do your set? Number one joke is yours closer, that’s the end okay, let that be. When you’ve left your second joke, it should be number one and try to make it an introductory joke. Express who you are in the first 30 people. They will like or dislike you faster than 30 seconds. If you are good, smile like a joke smile unless it’s your thing to be angry all the time. Smile is better, okay, because when you are, when your friends tell you a funny story and they giggle so violently that they can’t fix the okay and they ‘I smile at and you work up and you’re fine. You find yourself okay. Oh my god, all right. You’re halfway there. You already have it halfway. It’s so easy to just push them a little young comics are always afraid of silence is great, okay, it builds drama, but it’s a great scam you can cheat to get silent laughter with silence high and then a and the audience will hear this pause and they we are just nervous as are you have felt every pause with us and they will laugh or applaud about it but that is what they do and then hit you. You with the Drum Sound punch line The reason they will laugh is that they have been seeing your Club San punch line since you brought them to this point. You will see that they know your character and how you will react properly, and they laugh once and then you make the Snare Drum punch line and then you laugh again so that you only double your last minute if you cannot write new material to work with what you have. Take your jokes. None of your jokes are ever finished when you think they’re done. You’re done with getting out of business. They are always under construction. That’s why it is so difficult for comedians to record things because we know that every joke is constantly evolving. It’s getting funnier, longer, complex, tags, more time back, more I mean you can pull those illusions back in order, apart from the okay that you know can take a long time to get into a story one direction, then it comes all the way back, all right you should look at it as a physical model, okay, or a diagram, okay, your punch and then your tags, where you should stop a guy you are probably still from never heard is James Gregory. He rated the funniest man in America as okay. Okay, and he’s a Mediterranean guy. Last year James Gregory earned $ 2 million Got your attention now, huh You never heard of him, he’s been doing this for years. You know what kind of car he drives in an 82 Cadillac and he just carries big old life bags home. Atlanta never goes to any of his appearances doesn’t deal with one of those half facts, okay, you’ll fix your life, only half of the guys who are man enough to be gay, right, they just have to get you in Tidy up and be an and this city is full of disappointment, this industry is fun, okay, this industry is fun and brings drama to you, when you are in LA, you have all these little clicks and oh, I’m not with these people or these people. People have an end, it’s a joke, guess which turtle lifts your head and looks across the pond, and there is someone who does exactly what wasn’t your joke. It has been so many times that comedy comics try to be comedy police. Try knowing that everyone is fine and all you do is waste your time. You worry about what everyone else is doing, and you don’t do what you have do to show yourself when you have no character, as if you’re just you, okay, hats distract you, okay, them cut your face off, they cut you off, uh, when they cast a shadow on you it gets bad because you get a lot of your comedy out of your eyes uh, if it is uh, if it is back it will cut off like all the wrinkles and stuff you can get interesting texture on your face. You can bring people in. They can tell a story and be more believable because a clean one I don’t know why, but it means uh suspension of disbelief around where people with beards goatee long hair that many female comics pull back their hair because they open their faces and are more believable If you can believe, if you can remove the unbelief in your audience, you are halfway to believe in a story that you want. All right, but these distractions cannot understand what I am saying or how I am it says when I’m covered with a beard. That’s why nobody’s on TV, that’s why politicians don’t have them, I know It’s strange that you know that 300 years ago everyone had a beard. It’s quite the opposite if people don’t believe them, so they don’t let it go on TV. Your lead actor on TV has the right beard, and especially in comedy because they’re not credible as the presidents, all right. Oh great when you start working well and that’s really good. Um, don’t drink in the boy, don’t get up in the club, don’t get up before you show, don’t get drunk before your show, the reason you’re workout in America okay where you’re like a feature headlining gig okay, not just a showcase room like here in LA. If you are an opener, you do 300 a. Okay, that’s like seven shows, four days okay if the club owner he drinks is okay. Let’s just say you have two beers. Seven shows, that’s 14 beers. The actual cost is less than fifteen dollars. Taxes are fine that the club doesn’t have to pay that much, but in the club owner’s opinion, the club manager only costs them to know that the beer in the average comedy club is 12 to 14, okay, seven times per show, so you went to an 450 act okay and they won’t have you back unless you can be booked back. You’re dead if you can’t find new venues to work at. I was already booked in May 2011. Okay, that’s how it happens because I’ve never been fired in over 20 years. Okay, come close. I got close by breaking some of my employees They include that this is the class it is about, it is also about Card Templates comedy business, okay about comedy business Your employees are waiters bar kitchen staff uh, everyone others have a good time. This is your work environment. If you want to excel in a corporate world where you are not your secretary, you lose your job. It’s the same With comedy I’ll tell you a story and in the end I’ll tell you what it’s about and it must have been in 1995. I worked at the last station in Houston Texas and headlined Funny Guy Country. The guy who doing was confronted and the waitress and uh, a manager, okay, she s fine, and she s a nice tall girl, okay, the next day he still comes in loaded. He saw how he bought an eighth. I mean, excuse me, eight balls a night and he asked me again about the number of the guy, so in about 24 hours he burned an eight ball that did it, son, and then he took pills and he did a couple and uh, he’s about to tell everyone, including all comics, we all laugh about his street ories at the waitress and he found it so funny that he went on stage and made those jokes. Yes, what a dick, the girls go here, what an asshole, well, he got his comeuppance about two days later when he got the same bets got a promotion and they booked eight out of nine rooms in Texas OK and Baton Rouge also fine so she checked where he lived. It was now 16 hours for any work that was a substance within two years, some The guy was outside, he lived uh south of New Colorado Mexico and had bought a pottery factory with his last piece of money to make pottery. He called me in 87 and heard that I was in town and said I should bring weeds and it’s me like you’re kidding me, dude, I’ll be the only one who ever brought weeds Mexico to call around him, and some of his old friends took pity on him after cleaning up to clean up a bit of clean stuff, and they took him on board and let him start because had, he was exceptionally exceptional, and he was one great comedian, but he was a classic, he had to take every drug harder than everyone else he had to drink. Everything had to be much as possible and if it got him out of the comedy and not just the charity of his friends, he would have given him back the type’s career that this guy made over a few years ago. He earns 20 million a year. Now he’s probably making such jets in order or making a pottery because he’s helping you, not the staff. It’s bad news that you want people to be your friends, okay, and if you are them, what happens is yes, you might both have said that there are no conditions, but it comes back to you pursue because even though someone hurts their emotions or the next time you’ll be in town and there is jealousy and when the club owner talks about comics, the staff doesn’t talk about how much they like you and how you do again can get in there and that’s a big deal that have people who make the decision don’t where you eat around female comments not comics okay you don’t know why because I don’t care how good you are if you are her and you are more than. Nobody ever forgets and I don’t care how famous you get, how many albums they’ll all say. Oh, this person from whom they got their appearance. I know four girls say that and these girls make millions of dollars and people who are back just can never allow everything to be all right, and girls who need to thicken your skin. Comics are kidding you. They will be mean to you and call you. They’ll do all of this and guess what you’re just trying to get you out of when you have a relationship and it’s not a really solid comedy that takes it away from you. I don’t care that having a civilian woman is very difficult when you are here and you are the star over there people get jealous, they get jealous and they go crazy whether you do it or not, you know, they will be. Everything OK. Comedy is a brutal art, it’s brutal for marriage health, physique relationships I mean, it’s brutal, okay, that’s the nature of it. Let me see what else is what do you think well you only know a few things i asked you that we lost when you came second or last but you saw it right? No, I only came for a second. I don’t give a right, but Time has affected you, like things in my life that affect me, how where I lost the game that know you lost or grew. think I benefited from it, you know, I think everyone was expecting me because I was just in shock. You know the guy basically did the same thing you know, eight minutes because he just did it, and it all snowed right, but I also knew the business behind the shop at the last Walking Dead comic book booth it is not a balanced playing field, as some of you have probably learned that you went down there and dealt with um when I was over 650 and nbc had never been this big a person told me because we worked together and we were friendly, so simple ally mbec wanted to get rid of me, they thought the show was mocked because of me and I had to get a Del Piero standing ovation. Every show is what Jaymore told me to do where they couldn’t get me, and that’s exactly what did I got up every time and was shocked, you know when it was, but I kind of knew that it would go. I saw the writing on the wall, how they could give someone a production contract, how hard they will be. guess I wasn’t working. I was not healthy. I hadn’t done everything I should have done to prepare for a starter. This business can come to the corner. Everything that can come around every corner You don’t even have a place to hang out. Someone doesn’t show that he doesn’t have another comic you go up with, and there’s a guy from NBC CBS Showtime or Hbo. It happens all the time or better than that uh the secretary or uh the mistress is there or uh the husband or whoever is there It is the executive lover and they tell them about you and how funny you put them in order. This is great, okay, and it can happen anytime you hang out. Okay, get to know other comedians and they usually give you advice for free, but when I lost or finished second, I immediately remembered what happened to Crue when they lost their first heavy metal in 88, to tull a fan playing a game, what happened in response to it was, think I lost because my fans thought I packed it, even if it was. I don’t think it was really real, to be honest. I don’t think the poll was real, but what happened was that it made them so pissed off. The third, when I was robbed, they became more of a fan of mine. Okay, and my first album was accurate right with platinum. I had two more subsequent albums that went platinum I sell everything across the country, you know I do theaters in September that already have tickets. These are dates for late September and my tickets are already over a grand. in bakersfield stockton, what nobody does, okay, it’s not easy, but I also do radio every chance I can, if you get the chance to radio, do your best material your best, I don’t joke that have, you are doing the best that you are doing. At this moment you are doing well as possible. Don’t stop when they laugh. Pass it on and give them every joke you can. Here’s why a lot of comics don’t and why say they don’t. Don’t do it, they are nervous when I tell my best jokes on radio, the audience that doesn’t laugh at those jokes, and these are my best jokes that give about 300 here if 300,000 you just listened to them Three hundred thousand are the ones who will buy your albums because something in their lives for which they couldn’t get a babysitting job costs too much money. I can’t afford $ 25. They know that $ 50 per person for me and mine are girls, that is and then this bitch has a $ 12 beer bitch, you’d better drink the beer they have dd it up and they go but i can do 20 Spend dollars on Amazon and get a DVD, okay, and you just sold a product, and when your DVD goes to them they like you so much that they like you so much and then you will come and spend their dollars. I have people who come to me. I’ve seen you 12 times. You never do what don’t I have an obligation to my audience. I am in the south. was, I didn’t grow up with any money uh it was uh difficult and i know the value of uh when i lived in la I worked fifteen dollar spots from the uh of the clubs here in the olar jamies forty dollars they got a hundred, but I also sold weeds, okay I won’t, it was never a full gram, but it was always good Weed. I have my clientele and I am through having made a lot of connections. I made a lot of connections with which it brought me Many people who pushed my career forward because I made myself indispensable. I made myself readily available and always funny and I would go do things for free. I had a buddy who was working on a sport on the Fox property on Sunday morning. That means I got up at 6 a.m. on Sunday and went there to have breakfast and write a lot of jokes about sporting goods. That day he went to soccer and killed, he got a big job, although I did had done in vain and had expected nothing, just the experience of writing jokes and the pressure of being in the vicinity of television people, he gave me 25,000 the same week my engine burned on my car I mean it’s just crazy, sometimes how the business works, you have to work for it, if you expect money and comedy, you are lagging behind, okay, if you came here with a heavenly dream you have, take this course and then earn two A million dollars for years. It won’t go well. It is not good. You cannot prepare for what you can do. As a comic we have our days open if you want to go for TV things you all see you all have a night of personality If one of you goes on a commercial acting class, okay, and advertises, I can’t tell you how often it happens commercial place in Santa there. Okay, I’m going to bundle the one that can be seen at any time on the eighth day. With twelve commercials cast five days a week, I was down there reading the websites for everyone I hadn’t submitted, but I did auditioned for each book. I got something that has a few citizens, and that gets going. You just try to keep going when you are here to get a job, to get a job. Let your bills clean up your house. Live like a human being Get out there and take the gigs to be in business. drink. Don’t stay a bit. Got somewhere else, talk to other comedians. Okay, where’s the place you’re going to? Oh, for what you did. Good shows, lady. What’s this? Where is the place Where are the good places All right, and you can get addicted. I remember that guys would take them. and I made seven spots in one night and I was ju. As if I didn’t know that there was, like all the Mexican saints that got these Mexican comics, each one of them has two or three. room i can’t tell you how often jeff garcia saved my life he leaves april you want to work yes all right i have uh monday and montebello around tuesday west wednesday meet around corona on just a little south of in la county all right, that was a ride okay. Casinos at Hustler Casinos like this do all comedy. Okay, you don’t have to read any other poems. Coffee. Okay, you can find a real audience. Can you find something okay where can you actually be okay now the reason that a lot of comics get mad at curses? Okay, those comics that swear to laugh, um, when you learn how to write dirty, can never write clean. I don’t know, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know why everything is translated properly when you learn to write cleanly. You can always get dirty now, the reason you write cleanly, and you have clean jokes in your plot when you get a TV commercial of what you are. I will tell them that you tell your blowjob piece and then yours double penetration what it is you will talk about food on Jay Leno for five minutes. I don’t think there are no tampons. No, it won’t fly. You to have clean material because you have to do it on TV. There’s one more thing nobody can tell you about when you do a show for Comedy Central, you want the entire text of what you’re saying to be hidden because they blow it off. You want to lose four hundred thousand dollars. 400,000 units sold, because if they don’t say you’re dirty they won’t go to Walmart if you are clean you can work well if you are not a known act, okay, you are not a specialty and you are like a 1500 2500 act at these colleges, you have to be clean and if you are not you will not be entertained and they will be mad and you will make these college communities closer than the comedy community and they will tell everyone that we are broadcasting in an E. -Mail was so insulted to this guy that we had to write letters, okay, you will never work in this industry okay again, you try to get ahead, you have enough against you, okay, I mean you, your comics, okay, we are the least respected art form, arguably the hardest, and we do it, we don’t have a writer we don’t have a director, okay, we’re not. We usually don’t have a good okay. All you have is that you are fine. You do it with everything. It is important that you understand that it is art, okay, and although it is not, it does not. Don’t translate, that’s the problem to see the picture you to have in the picture. You have to be behind the scenes in the audience. See how it happens live. This is how you can see the art that doesn’t translate it to DVD If you can still convey the joke, but it’s not the way it really is, and that’s why it’s least respected because you can’t document it. You know, um, talk hack, don’t do it, don’t tear people off. t knock down other comics, don’t knock down any ideas or premises, it’s bad news if matters, it will be hell If anyone knows where Carlos Mancia played two years ago, the universal amphitheater has sold out 28 times in a row. Two shows a night for two weeks in a row when he was in um. We have two houses, one here and one Nashville in Nashville. Two years ago he played the Tpack Center in order, that was 4,500. Sold out. A second show showed that there was 9,000 seats one night. Now he’s coming back to Nashville. He plays Zany’s with 280 seats and he didn’t sell it. At the first show, how far they fell, I really think Rogan really excited him and whether it was right or not, it happened and it’s brutal. I will not go into the fact that I am not me. I am eliminated when I am with comedians Most of all you will see how I talk to someone because I do not want to be when you are cheated, whether convicted or stolen if you are a comic. The conclusion is enough to kill your career because you are guilty in this business if accused and then it is your job to put your innocence where possible d People will still believe what they want to believe and you will become yours Lose career. You will not have any from which you can get so much from this industry. Character limit: 5000TRANSLATE NEXT 5000 In other comics, if you are the only people who get it, you will see your life and you will become an outcast. It is a lonely self. You can’t be stolen without a chance, so I’m just not watching anyone else. I work with four people woman is one because I don’t care that I don’t do it for the back of the street when you try to make the back of the room laugh and all the comics and respect among your sick have, without respecting the audience, do you want to get out of the way, your job is to make people laugh? Painters don’t paint so other painters can wow. Wow, that’s great. Painters paint to sell the art. Okay, which means professionally that your job is to make people laugh. To save the world, whenever you are angry and whenever you try to get a point right, people don’t like it, to be spoken to them. You just don’t like it. You know that they I don’t care what stories you want. I just had two other things and then if you want to leave me la the first question: every time you went up and did a new job you got three points 5.51 yes and one point for reordering your material. The reason for this is that it helps to create new Segways whenever you can make a joke from a new angle. There is a new way for comedy to try and get a minimum score of 12 points on this scale and you will have 30 minutes in a year and the other writing question I had for you. You literally write the joke I never wrote Didn’t I know what it was? I have a great memory and can joke now. I have about 12 hours of material in my head and if things happen you can with this catalog that I can go back to so it will look like one but it is a four minute piece I wrote and people will become holy, why did you pull that out of your ass and you don’t tell them that it was okay 12 years ago, right, it was funny, then it’s funny now I just have a new friend who is talking about you. You know, writing is difficult when you are up to date, when you are rite jokes are great, and then they fall away. The great thing is making a current joke and then becoming the epitome of a current joke on the subject, like when jfk junior’s plane crashed. I had eight minutes before they could play The Sea Bed because I knew it was a race to be the epitome you know. I said that the happiest person when this plane crashed was Daryl Hannah, his ex-girlfriend. She was so happy that she was as if I was glad it wasn’t. Don’t marry me and I said that’s up because this bitch is a mermaid who could have saved her, okay, and you take it that far and you go another way and you say something like that and you become the epitome of it, okay, and then you become a landmark, that’s what Carlin used to do, okay, that’s what makes rock okay. You become the epitome of this topic that no comment will touch it again because there is nothing left to say when I talked about sick freedom. Roy, from your point of view I’ve become a guy in know you can’t believe I dropped $ 250 to see these two German fees. Okay, I’m from Iowa. But you know what I want the tiger to eat. Oh my god, okay, everything is fine, and I took it from the perspective, I took it from siegfried to roy and then I did it pon pun okay, um, I take it all the way and then you know That they said that he was only trying to save him like wild tigers in the wild with their young when they love them and I think that was a male tiger, a male tiger in the wild. They know that they have sex with a tigress for their cubs, about 60 times in a 24 hour period, as having nothing to do with their offspring keeps doing a lot like NBA players, okay, I got it all the way here, then I turned it over, okay, I did the same thing and you’re doing a joke from every angle that means exactly in your material. If you’ve already expanded every joke you can add a new angle, okay, you got that Do the opposite If you went forward, you know that you put all the points in one topic and put other people’s questions in order, if you are for something, then answer. The other sides that might be in the audience are the scammer of the subject you are dealing with in your joke and you will get them and you to look your way in order, say, I smoke weed for Jesus, okay, and the reason why I say this is because it confuses the Christians. I don’t like the fact that he smokes weed, but says he does it for Jesus, so I don’t know how I feel about it. I influence myself with someone. Okay, first I align with the part of the audience that is not there because of weed smoking or whatever at the same time. I am sharpening the awareness of the side of the audience that condemns it and thinks it is low, so if you turn them over, okay, you try to bring them in, um, that’s a good deal of all right, young comics look down and say ah too much okay, don’t put your notes on stage. Be a damn professional. Remember your things when you tell a joke. Okay, setup, punch, okay, always deliver your punch to the center of the room, wherever the audience is. The wings go to the last guy between like this, if it’s between him and her. Look right there and you both think I’m looking straight at you, but I’m not looking right behind you, right over here, and what you’re doing is that you’re drawing everyone’s attention to you. Now you’re all looking right so they can deliver the joke they’re all focused on. If you deliver the punch you need to round up, they’re just sheep sheep. Don’t graze and storm two speeds, okay, if they laugh, okay, you get them all going, they’ll all laugh together. That’s why they packed the table so close that it’s a hurtful mentality, okay, you’re the shepherd, they’re stupid, they I don’t know what the hell is next. You let them lead. Don’t let them take control. This happens when comics are shouted at and hacked. If they freak out and are unprepared, they will be put down. This is not a good thing I came back and find out what is going on with you. If you know that I did it before, if I came out with a red shirt, I would go. I know something. I think hey cool man, relax from the red okay. I would draw the conclusion before they are well. I loved myself. I took away what they considered a mistake. Somewhere they have all the balls in the crowd. You sing them okay. When can you give me a can? You can do one that you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but a setup, and Sound Effect punch line, like talking about part of the joke, another part of the joke, and then the payoff, okay, um We’re going to use the Kennedy, okay, every time there’s something special on the news and then every time something happens, they go to the same old whites to hear them go. Oh, I’m here to tell you that each of the children has been left behind. Every single worthless piece of Joe Kennedy had weak sperm and all of his offspring are soft cold quirky for my voice goes on jfk was an idiot you don’t take your mistr It’s about where your wife’s birthday is. Master stroke, this is a premiere how to be a player. Don’t take the bitch from someone at work who is married to the bitch. Well, the day died he was an idiot The converter back to the left brother Hey guys, I know a shortcut to the kitchen. All right, Teddy Kenny. It’s okay baby. I am a great driver. How about this delay throw? Then I would take the microphone and hit my okay the tree in order and jfk jr was also an idiot in order I’m not angry if Darwinism is okay I’m really I’m not angry okay if he was like oh on the second day of the flight was i a kennedy all right and you know what i play went down Half of that person was fine and I’m joking. The reason why I say this is that we are simply saying that it was not three rich white famous people who were okay. Let’s say God forbids that I know that black people get emotional. There were three black people. God forbid that I know black. People get emotional emotionally. Okay. Let’s ask the same question. Would people out there look for the hell of the black plane?. no okay and i let the audience repeat three times okay and you can play um, 24,000 people would look for the black plane hell no not even sharpton in one you have new cameras on me really okay and i would make you look at you, the government would move satellites to find the black plane. Oh, they won’t give them free cheese. Okay, are you talking where you could satellite my ass? Okay, last but not least there would be nine days of uninterrupted reporting 24 hours a day about the loss of black plane hell no not even follow the Kennedys bet Ok I’m sorry I have no sympathy for a president who is, um, in jumps my head and I don’t get a three-day weekend Because you are okay and the whole thing, I am angry that you got this free pass. You know they’re always people, but they’re stupid, okay, they’re technically delaying everyone. I’m stupid, okay, there’s a reason you don’t live okay so long because life hits and you okay you’re dying right, but what drives me crazy in the end is the fact that I don’t have a three-day weekend in Brought order. You take a topic and become the epitome of something and there is something out there that can really step on my thing without hitting it, okay, without doing something that has already been done. I find the same thing, I am a parent and there is nothing I can do about my children because Mr. Cosby is there unless something specifically happens to my children that I can say that my story with my child is all I do what will bite what he s already done. It’s something that showed up when I made my Denver airport. Joe Okay, airports were hit, but nobody did better than George Carlin about the planes and flight attendants, and okay, the whole thing was fine. I took Denver Airport from a fat man’s perspective and said it was too big, it needs to be edited. Okay, it’s a 20-minute walk to turn the corner and go damn, that’s a long time I want long shoes for where’s a black guy with a golf cart black bear with a golf cart okay all right i got this angle in order and I got out of the plane to get into the baggage claim and I did it for eight minutes i had callbacks everywhere and I became part of this airport that nobody else would touch. I was witness to the miracle when we were at the New York chelsea piers when the plane went crazy and I was now stoned in Chelsea If you don’t know that these Sports Center chelsea piers have airspace in the US and on the truck my wife wanted that we go down there because she knows a lot of aviation. Okay, I really like airplanes and they have a very special aircraft sr-71 blackbird tip like the fastest flame we have ever told anyone about okay to fast airplanes. I wanted to see this, but to walk around and deal with civilians, I had to go up, okay, and I came back and it was chaos and chaos, there were cops everyone and I would go to my wife and I think that happens to everyone and her yes, there’s an airplane in and I’m like the one they fell into They have everything down here, that’s great, right, it’s like no stupid plane that only reached the river I’m like what, so I witnessed the miracle, but it became a story and I was there and I had it Perspective that I knew the Um North Hudson Hospital is where they took the survivors and I said if I got aids if I just got my crashed plane into the dirty Hudson River because then you can get it when you do end up in this water, okay, look at it well and then someone took me to New Jersey I would be like nigga, throw myself back into the river jack. Okay, bunk jersey, okay, instead flower is a diaper from a Toby, okay what and people go, how can you just get away if you say I don’t refer to all colors, if you stick to words you won’t All be a success Correct writing Clean that up but don’t be afraid of a word because if you make a character and you will if you speak to another man and be afraid to put the right words in the mouth of that person who she would. then you will not be credible to your audience if you have just done so. Who is This is the second time I’ve been doing and this is fantastically different just like your action, it’s some of the same things but it’s really different and the only thing I’m wondering about is your appointment regarding your authenticity and yours Point of view if you’ve ever deliberately thought about the things you’ve done. Yes, I remember that I did the bdts comic view and backstage I knew the producer Rashawn McDonald and it was like the month after the Lebron James kobe bryant scandal broke out and they weren’t kidding the boys. No Kobe jokes. All Kobe jokes are deleted from the performance because someone mentioned Michael Jordan kobe bryant in the warm-up and this theater for black people went bananas and they booed and they had to scrape off the whole shoe for the audience they had to turn the audience and wait two hours until the next audience showed that up and they were alive and I was like you know what I can play or I can just say it and I did it I just said it and I made my Rookie Card kobe bryant piece and I got it out of it Perspective and I honestly believed it is like Kobe was on the railroad and I caught it as if I called it a cracker conspiracy and these black people love me and that’s one of the most requested things I’ve ever done have where I speak. I’m doing the analogy I’m taking here A 19 year old little white girl and a sixth grade black man. Okay, of course there will be bruises, but I made people laugh without ever using a word that is one of the great things about this joke. Try to find the place in your plot where the word is not needed to make you laugh. Find the place where an action or look can make you laugh, and you can exponentially increase your last minute if you get the shot right even if you fail. It’s a good story um, I got both of them to do the Tom Joyner morning show cruise which is now the only white person on the boat wasn’t repulsive to me, but when I saw Jeremiah Wright Reverend Lewis Farrakhan the stylistic 20 -minute band break and nobody told me that the average age of this audience was almost 70, I turned blue before I told my first joke, but I was like when I get it I really get booed, so there were 4,000 People there, all right, they’re all black and I said it’s great to be here The murder sometimes you won’t do great sometimes and you know what so many black comics have retold this story that it is attributed to me that know you say negative people, so think I could let go, but not much. I mean, not that much. They say you know I shut them all off when said I gave Barack Obama three thousand dollars. How much have you given me in order and what do you want if Barack wins you all? I have to start Rosa Parks says Dr. King could run so Barack could run so your black ass could take 20 percent Yes we can, I know there are nice black people in the background. Sorry, we had an impression that was 15 and I think that’s a black person who started tipping 93. You posted it here, that’s 20 percent 2008. So far, we need 20 percent okay and guess what specifications are fine. If we get an El Presidente, you could look 32 at the end of your check and see them are like oh, they’re boo in the whole thing and I don’t care that it’s okay. Asians don’t need to hurry, they don’t have to hurry, and that was the best part, and yet they thought that everything was fine, that the Asian line was the best part of all this joke. Okay, because I am all Asian Take away hope. I mean, you just to have balls, you have to live and you to have balls, that’s what comedy is about, and part of having balls is not afraid to fail because you are going now, you can make mistakes in two ways take how you can learn from it or you can be devastated, okay, if you learn from it you actually go. I think you can learn more from bombs than from killing. and you will never kill until you bomb because you have to learn mistakes that you think will draw people in these little tricks. You just thought that you work on the microphone and recognize when you do that you speak and get it out. As you open up to the audience, nobody told me what you were doing, you had to do it, you had to do it Unless you’re talking to older comics, that’s what you’re doing here, okay, so you’re saying that you’re doing it. Your point of view is really just being yourself, worrying, not worrying worry, you don’t care, yes, you all fly okay, you all fly, every bird flies okay, and every now and then a bird hits a glass, when they go through it they get up, they curl their feathers and they take off again, that’s exactly what happens, you’ll eat it well, don’t worry, you don’t have to look for it, it will just be right, but if you have friends, okay, and you work with these people and you write and you blow your ass and don’t try to market yourself until you w something have food. Don’t work on the radio until a solid 8-minute set that TV-friendly is clean when Roseanne came here because louie dragged her up from here and made you dress her, blew it up and then she became asked to do that tonight when she had no jokes that she had to rewrite in three. She was very lucky that she had a great character, a great point for good comedy basics, but no one had ever taught her how to write cleanly. She was lucky that most people were under this pressure, but she’s a tough bitch and she has a TV show and she did it A billion dollars, okay, remember, it’s hard, what are some of yours Ask? They are puppy comments. What are some of your questions? I know you have a lot of yes sir, what brought you to class when you started I didn’t take classes that they didn’t have comics we talked to other comics. It was a close community, a small community you know there is nothing like it. said you took New York acting classes. Yes, you think that helped your stage performance because without getting familiar with yourself and feeling comfortable on stage and doing drama and reenacting a joke without knowing that it is important you to have a mood or balls will certainly always help if you bomb a certain material, scrap it or try to brainstorm it to get it into a better market or audience and get everything in order than Henry Ford’s 1918 car in the state of Pennsylvania. In November of this year, two cars were fine in Pittsburgh. They had a head-on collision and they drove okay and they went around the corner and they hit each other, there were no rules, okay, they didn’t know what Henry Ford was now because it just scrapped his cool car, you’re not dependent If you wait for them, they will eat you up. They’ll turn you on in a second. I’ll fix you up next. They’ll tune in if you wait for them come to you, they’ll never come to you if it’s political. They won’t come to you. You have to get them to believe how you believe, and that’s the truth, if you are waiting to give yourself your political correctness in one piece and you don’t call them, never, you can’t be controversial, you have to talk about biscuits and socks, okay, if something goes wrong, don’t just put your head down and have no fun about it and then correct the piece nine times out of ten during your performance, yes, sir, um, if you click on that Going on stage, how much do you know what I’m going to talk about tonight, how much of it is only what to see The audience likes it well, I write very quickly, okay, so I don’t know if this is typical of most, but I like it right now I have three sets and uh, they’re about an hour 20 okay each and none of it was recorded. I’ll record it here. All three are different and I will go and I have the same degree for two of them and I have another one, all set clean for some colleges, the reason I do it is that I could sell it specials in several ways and revenue, okay, I’m doing this so I know if it is or not, and I’m going to take it out and I’m going to dust it off now. You can do this on a much smaller scale with your material that know you have six minutes to build, up to three six-minute sets with a closer, and your 20-minute sets are fine, but have these interchangeable in order and work on it and know what you will do in order do and tighten any of that you are not rewriting Great material Write a Construction Company punch line saying that this stuff is faster less Words between the setup and the punch and the jokes get tighter. You can always work on something that say you will know in eight years, if you know how good you are. The jokes you made before you were eight are th ose are still joking that you like and that you bring with you as if you knew who you are now. Yes, to a certain extent. Yes, you don’t know everything. I mean, sure that was some of it, but not everything. You know it only varies you know I had a joke that I was unable to see def again, um, and I wrote this joke in 89 said I can’t see her because I was just feel like i know that i’m really condescending to the drummer you know because after they kick your ass you know that i’m the way you rock. Yes, look at me, use both arms, okay because he has only one arm and it was funny and you know yourself when I do it on the radio or something that people still think is funny, okay and you can still do it because they always do some kind of reunion tour or something, do you think it would really make a big difference to me if I undoubtedly shave my yes-yes hands and the reason is because you are not, you look like you’re holding something back, you look like you’re l If you don’t tell the truth, people say that sellers don’t have beards, yes, because then it comes out with a beard that is really creepy and is a pedophile if you watch him get up around 25. Everything starts to go away like he’s a really good actor, all right, it’s his energy, but if he does it after about 20-25 minutes, the wheels start to loosen and it’s not me, I’m grading him don’t descend. Yes i mean he is better known than me i would present that to you. He had a show on bh1 that lasted 20 episodes. Okay, and it was his own show. The network was all behind it. They had announced a lot of things about it. Why didn’t you leave? He had been on TV shows He had been on a group of sitcom pilots who were never picked up by his app on the shows he was on this show with this hot girl. Okay, he played a creepy lab guy, okay, and, um, hangover he played a creepy so yes, but that’s the character you see, what I’m saying, I mean, that’s his niche, but that ‘it is also what he played, the luck of being funny and being a talented actor and also being in the right place and being an icon, but far as the headliner set is concerned, it will start after 25 to 30 minutes sir, yes, do think you have a little more leeway if you like inappropriate racial material because I don’t think I’m just saying white, I’m not trying to do something good for you it has to be really okay, you see, the thing is that I grew up with blacks, okay, when I got to la, I lived with Mexicans and I made all the Mexican rooms, I mean, Carl can see as we worked together in the factory Okay, I could do things no other r could do comic except Paul Mooney. I was up there and said nigger years before with Michael. The difference was that I was what I never forgot. The basic world of comedy is especially Latinos, if you sell that no matter how bad it is, long as it is, give you a pass and I made a joke about it, okay that I said long as you were telling the truth, the worst thing you get from a mexican, hey, that’s up. and so it happened, okay, that’s exactly what happened that I only got into culture through exposure proximity and it came from a place where you don’t know that the stuff I’m talking about is probably a lot would get white comments slapped in the mouth but they don’t believe it. You don’t know mean, I remember it. This is probably why I’m one of the fun guys am. I grew up in Arkansas with white trash Remember, during a heat wave in 78 I was six years old. I got my Food Safe white garbage wake-up call. I was in my underwear and my child under the tree that I actually had a transmission and my brother was seven years old. He and I were angry because we lived in a house where our house was sucking. There were holes in the walls that you could stretch out. The windows were out of order and as if it were plastic in winter and summer, you know? They get insect bites from insects that come in, and things like that were bad. It was bad that my mother and father were divorced. My mother received no maintenance or child benefit. She raised four children on 800 square meters. My brother was responsible. My mother worked and there was a nice black couple and a black family across the street I played with the oldest boy who was seven, I was six and a white picket fence, nice house, but my brother was jealous because their air conditioning was fine came and he was like looking at those humble niggers with the air conditioning because we didn’t It wasn’t 110 degrees and I looked at my brother at six without knowing that you know he’s just an that I know now, but I didn’t know boy was listening. I hope one day we can be niggers. It’s great that I’m not doing it. I don’t know when I pronounced Kool help six or seven times and when I woke up in the hospital. My brother kicked me in the head and broke my orbital bone. I broke my nose. I was worried at six and my brother almost made it to play school for it, but that’s one of the reasons I’m funny because we hope to be neighbors someday, okay, that’s it Truth when you are Bags Food white garbage and it is another fundamental truth that there is really racism, a hologram in this country. It is not real, they think it is a big problem and they try make it a big problem by knowing that you are separating us and dividing the races, but the truth is that it is really about social economy. Okay, poor and rich, if you are rich, live if you are poor, live differently, okay, and the majority are poor, okay, but they try to make us look like we’re better than them. I was Kitchen Sink garbage. White rice is the lowest on America’s social ladder. There are two under nigga. Okay. It’s all about webtaste. All right, but real rubbish is definitely the worst, okay, and that’s just the truth, but if I have empathy with others and live this experience, I’ll probably get away with a lot more than most people, but I’m a lot too walked into this community you know i took the opportunity when i started in houston One of the places I’ve been rising all the time was the hip hop comedy style Michelle McDonalds had in Steve Harvey’s room. Okay, one night a Bushwick bill of ghetto boys pulled a gun at David Rayball and tried to bring the fat white boy back in order, so you know shit happens, but you open up to every audience. Find the fun again. I don’t care if it’s a room full of acidic Jews. It’s funny to say that you have to find everything right, yes, when you talk about how learn to write Queen, as if we were going to start with help, such as what tips to get you started. Oh, I’m just okay, don’t write or what everyone does. This is what you have fun, but you also remember to play stuff, but I mean, you think about your shopping list all the time. You don’t think you know a zucchini that you can slide into your device. They also think you are clean. You can’t say that someone tells that you think too clean takes you over a big hump aa mental border guards put us on Oh I can only write dirty because I think you don’t think in one direction only that you think are more than one dimension. Okay, you are a living person, okay, and since you have complicated paths in your head, okay, you can go an infinite number of ways in everything you try. Okay, you can clean up jokes and you can make any joke calculation that a career is made of and jokes without always saying you can do it, buddy Hackett went to the show tonight and blew up the place and how did he get it done because he talked about it and never mentioned it and everyone was involved in the joke, but he was a genius right. But if you don’t say it to some extent, if airy, it’s technically called clean. You know we eased a lot of the fcc restrictions, and uh, if can, you are welcome to achieve it. On my special prom cut, I’m talking about men’s two favorite gifts. Okay, oral and silent. Everyone knows blowjobs. Okay, but I’m jumping around everywhere without ever getting okay. That way you can get on the shelves in Walmart played on Comedy Central without belief okay, so I did consci. A good choice for word replacement, but sometimes you can’t replace a word. Sometimes the right shot is right and don’t let yourself be limited to limits A great attitude is good to be a curmudgeon. It’s good to be professional. A professional is fine too. It depends who you like. Then Cook made a lot of money and still made a lot of money. You made a lot of films a lot more than okay. What are the differences in these camps? David says a whole generation of imitations like Mitch Hedberg was fine and earlier he had bill hicks richard jerry seinfeld um I have no one okay, thank goodness, but they emulate their style okay and they get a punch line that You know, without going into personal stories, okay, and then you go and cook what he saw with whimsical imagination, you know he bounces off his place, okay, you say the most outrageous crazy thing, okay, then you have people, who only set up punch lines like Larry, the type of cable I love or I hate, the type, and I mean, he has made a billion dollars in the past 10 years, how much you’ve made yourself know what I do my. Yes, this guy is great. Anyone who gets shit. You have to watch your tunnel. You know how your tone this guy paid his fees. So he was rewarded in order. Right from the start, material about races and roughly like your size, you ever felt like you were just writing about stuff like that and how you broke out of the man you know that I wrote the one wrote I was headlining within a year and a half because in Houston you could fix 15 minutes a week without a lot of work, because there weren’t that many comics at the time, and I had so many jokes about being and two wrote comics, one of them is still al i live and he actually lives here in uh dante garza and a guy named charlie shannon um, they put me aside and they’re both big guys and they go hey Man, what do you want to be known as a fat comedian or a comedian? just happens and I um, it shook me in court, um, people that I respected didn’t think about me because I was only doing weight jokes, so I dropped a lot of jokes, um, I have a lot Drop jokes that I went back to after the heading People like what are you? I’m trying to work, man, I’m just trying to get an action. It was hard and then you get on TV and I do a little bit to live it in the uh in the hood because I lived from Prince Shawn Adams and not from Johnny Pastrami. I don’t know if you know what it is Okay, and then everyone called me Wigger in the last comment today. Now I’ve made the joke. I made a joke in all of their movie previews for the show that they ran on the commercials that they ran, even if I didn’t do that a bit o Kay, it’s a part that I only did a little. Okay, they focused on where I lived. You sent a camera team to me. Okay, I made bets and K-Loks. because they were TV shows that wanted and so I made jokes for my audience, although I had a lot of other jokes, um, they were with me as wiggers or okay and then um, it was so strange because at the end of the last Price Guide comic book I had death threats. I had people from white supremacist groups who called me a racial trader, but they spelled traders with them. I mean really problematic. You know when we had move to a new apartment a lot okay and i’m just telling jokes what hell the problem is okay and then i do a piece because at the time you know we were told that Iraq was you know those who were there sponsored Al Qaeda and they had nuclear weapons they are trying to know are terrorists uh gas and I said it’s about oil and I was great me want cheap gas, okay, and I did the whole thing uhm about cheap gas in the finals and people were asked, oh he completely gave up his roots and now he does it. j I’m a multidimensional person, okay, I have more as a way to think about something. If you are not feeling well, you to have other options to think about issues that you have to be open and you have to be open to people and people, oh, he shouldn’t have been politically good. I don’t care, okay, I know what I did in the room. okay i know that in four and a half minutes at two minutes the audience got up and gave me a Susan Boyle standing ovation i had to turn the audience off to end the play to get another Mariano Rivera standing ovation then they sang my name for seven minutes and then Jaymar let me come out and turn it off, that’s what happened, okay, so when I leave my streets, well, I don’t want to be one thing, I don’t want to be one-dimensional, you know, it’s me and it probably costs you if i go like there’s another popular, very popular comedian uh, who’s big and just jokes, he’s not very good, okay, and the guy is sold out around the number w i could do that yeah and trust me if i wasn’t controversial as i would be richer if there was a lot more money in it than in uh, you know i’m nervous, i know a guy who’s so nervous that he doesn’t once again working in comedy clubs and does not want to do it for its own right. For this reason, you know that he will never have it, but he has everything he has. Sometimes people want to wait in a bus that they hope will never come. You know that some people don’t want to be the best Spider Man comic book ever. Some people just want to tell their jokes and that’s a cool man who is cool. I don’t like hobbyists, but if you are who you are and you are loyal to it and you are fine, you do everything you do as best can, you can not really fault it because you are going a lot harder are okay as men, does that have to make it harder my wife is a comic okay, it’s hard, okay, very difficult, yes, what do you say to people because you actually meet one? Lots of people in the room Lots of people come from different areas of Miami from New York Jersey. I mean, what do you say to people you don’t know well on the market? Okay, I started comedy in Arkansas. My town had 3,700 people in it, I drove to Fayetteville, or the little rock was 100 miles away to do everything I could to do comedy before it had comedy. Find your own success. There are so many on top of the mountain and your level of success doesn’t necessarily have to be on TV and make a million dollars, maybe it’s just a living, maybe it has a way for you to be creative, maybe you’re someone who is in a relationship, and it s more important to see how your children grow up than to be the funniest guy and a lot of people who are, and these people are alright successful. You can’t measure it yourself, but you also can’t know that you can’t give yourself a reason to fail if you bitch moan and you know don’t. I don’t have no ag A good comedy club where you stop getting out of our way because you trust me that there is someone out there who wants it more than you. I am not the Present Name funniest person. Okay, I’m not the Entertainment Weekly funniest person here. I am not the Family Feud funniest person in La. I am not the Ever Met funniest person. But when I step on stage and my mentality is, I’m the Twin Cities funniest person in the world sir, yes, I’m done, Laramie, and I’m going to blog the Denver Colorado comedy voices. It’s going to be a six-hour ride for three minutes on stage, right, it’s one, three, all night back, but it’s my job, yes, right, and proactive comments that are successful make your own success and make it a room that is common. I don’t care if it’s a pizzeria. I don’t care if you need to build a stage that will cost you around $ 40 to get the stuff out of the home depot and build a stage for an investment of 300 that you can have, know you persuade a bar having a comedy night and you book it with headliner, a feature act, and you open and give someone a guest you could bill them for. 500 600 You only spend 300 and you earn 300 extra a week, just like you. If you do four of them in a week, you make 1200 of the comedy and give a lot of other people work that makes you do more work, once you are not even able to do your own room work, they will suffice, you will have other people that you will give them. 25 You’re still doing 200 300 right and they’ll love it if the money is proactive. Make your own success when you are in an area that is not a great comedy place to laugh at anywhere. Don’t tell me about this or that recession where I can tell you what comedy booms in the recession don’t break when things are good, when times get shitty, people want to laugh and then people go out Jesus in both places where they spend money. How do you order yourself? How you do what I said? I’m trying to build a suspension bridge in order and do that. I’m trying to do it straight. I come to the first to the last joke. I’m trying to make one straight line in laughter I beat I average about 14 laps per minute, that’s a lot more than uh and I do that and when I perform for about two hours yes um as an American comedian what do you think about Canadians coming into the American scene big Canadians have a different sense of humor, they have a different system up there, they don’t work with the headlining function and the opener as we do the opener up there does so overall 40 minutes and 20 minutes to start 10 between the feature and the headliner another 10 at the end. He is like the host of the entire show. The headliner makes 40 and the feature makes 20. It is strange that it is a strange system. But I think it kind of reflects what I think in the comedy that the opener is the most important part of the show when you open the least paid and the most important part when you tell your jokes that you are presenting it, and whether you’re bombing or killing, you’re doing your okay, if you kill so much shut everything properly and then when it comes time to address the next act, you want to be a commercial. The club wants you to mention specialty drinks and fill out marketing forms. They do exactly what is right, don’t be an MC and forget that they are disrespectful to someone, and you have no place if you can’t remember someone’s name coming off the list, because they are people that will improve your career. You better learn that there are people here, that will help you in your career, there are people here who will disappear in five to ten years. Hey, remember, the fat guy came in and talked to us. For one thing or another, okay, don’t give yourself a reason to fail. Okay, don’t be restricted. All in all, Canadians come in and make people laugh. You have a different sense of humor. It’s a drier, more British kind of stand-up comedy around the world is about 20 years behind us where we’re okay, that’s good because you know what I didn’t really have. A British um-alt pop-up. The comics there are still fine. Canada. It is a dryer. It is more.