New York is baffling in that it’s a city that prides itself on being an absolute shithole I say there’s nothing good here and people are proud of that a happy oh it’s overpriced and it’s overpopulated and it stinks like piss and comics film specials here and they all open with a joke about yeah I spent $8,000 a month for nine square feet and you go why don’t you leave here why do people stay here but.
Unfortunately this is where comedy works where people are the most miserable thing I’d rather be filming a special in on a beach in Costa Rica at a tiki bar right now but they don’t need comedians they’re already smiling they’re already happy naturally so that’s what I’m doing a special here cuz it’s the last place I want to be.
I’m gonna be smoking through this whole set because that’s it’s one of the.
Loopholes in the law they keep that in the smoking bans they keep if it’s part of a theatrical production a loophole in the law because they don’t want to **** up some Tennessee Williams production and ruin the integrity of the show so they leave this rugged loophole open for me and if the cigarette bothers.
You because you’re envious vote next time how about that oh yeah every now and then figure out what the **** ‘s going on in your community I know you don’t vote you got shit to do leave it to old people with breathing problems it will never come here so **** it generation is so unbelievably sad if you’re just getting the like party and age you’re **** ed there’s nothing going on in this country anymore it’s done last call it’s just a suck generating the most boring generation in the history of people that’s all dumbed down and wanted to it we wonder when’s the last time you heard stories about rock-and-roll bands chucking TVs out of hotel windows or any of that shit that it used to be fun like there was fun in the world some of this is gonna make me sound like a grumpy old **** and I am but I have I have just caused is there there’s nothing as people get older the older you get the more bitchy you get you cuz that’s just naturally the more you’ve done shit the more jaded you get but I think we’re gonna be the first generation of old people as soon as MoMA gets old they complain about the new kids at all these kids today look they’re crazy it’s always at the new it used to be always that the new generation was too deviant these kids are out of control they’re crazy there are more look at what they’re doing in our day if we wanted fun we just went to a barn dance and we didn’t even finger **** to it 35 years older but these kids today it was always if the new generation was over the top and we’re going to be the first generation of elderly people complaining but in the opposite fashion where we going look at these kids today these half gays with we used to do cranked off a titty dancers and shit we.
Had a lot of fun we’ve got some good stories and herpes out of the deal is it looking good tie the blisters bring me back these pussies they drink a red bowl for some pep and they prefer if you went on the patio for a cigarette the closest they come to a fistfight is on a message board somewhere you leave it at my girl.
I’m gonna delete you from my myspace friend get some block user in your future gay they’re about to start.
Pissed testing for adrenaline in the workplace that’s how sad this country’s gotten Ellie shaking your urine it funny is that yours doggy it looks a little cloudy have you been having fun on the weekend are we not enough fun for you here at the Verizon Wireless family need to seek it elsewhere I don’t think you’re a team player that’s why I love here and know.
People go oh that town it’s like 20 years behind the times at Logan place book me there I had fun 20 years ago I.
Can still smoke indoors oh I get ecstasy still pure uncut and readily available oh shit what cavemen they must be the only drugs.
That are even popular anymore Ahlan dummy drugs all the drugs that make you more boring all the mood stabiliser antidepressant everyone’s got some mental disorder they’ve been diagnosed with and they take up Hill aye they push him on me all the time like I ruined so many relationships cuz I go yeah I **** cuz I think I think all the time sorry oh geez oh you think it’s a dee no it’s not a dee I’m thinking I’m thinking about a lot of stuff is that a TD yeah I stutter Illini **** step on but up that’s because I’m always thinking well you’re not listening to me cuz I’m thinking about something is more interesting than you I’m trying to build a perfect utopian society in my head and what are you talking to me about bowling or what I don’t know and I do I have a head then just won’t shut the **** up so the ideas.
Come from do you have a head like that you have the brain that just won’t shut the **** up all you learn to work with.
It never try to do this I tried this in July in Tucson Arizona and failed miserably never try to sleep sober it’s.
Completely impossible I tried I got a.
Meeting at 6:30 in the morning I got a flight to LA for a meeting so I’m trying to be responsible and I’m just laying there the hotel no people or conversation no distractions sober and no television just your head on a pillow one every layer you velop cuz that’s when the carnival kicks into high gear.
You’re almost 40 years old you loser how are you just gonna get drunk in a noose it ends for a living well there must be something that rhymes with orange Lawrence or in his music is playing in there and it always sucks we didn’t start a fire my.
Ex-wife is in there you never took me to the Botanical Garden it was always about you him megalomaniac II never cared I was dying of loneliness it was always it the world would turn asleep I.
Am NOT taking medication for it that’s also where the ideas come from I’ll just pour some alcohol on that when it happens to try to even it out your work with your promised everyone’s taking pills just cuz you’re afraid of standing out or yeah I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait but then he told me about new Zola to Prozac and I just take three pills a day and I blend into this horrible inbred corporate landscape and I don’t care.
Then they’ll legalize any drug so long as that drug keeps you producing that’s all I give a shit about is production you’re kicking out enough boxes at the plant well go is whatever keeps you doing that keeps you vaguely content sitting in a cubicle go ahead and FDA approved I have a job where I alphabetize insurance forms 45 hours a week and I noticed I couldn’t concentrate so well on my job so my doctor put me on adderall and now I can just breeze through my workday I don’t even notice that my empty life is being pissed away underneath fluorescent tubes I have no highs or lows I have no good stories and just but I’m getting a lot of stuff done I probably the most boring person I know but look at me produce I just go ABCD efg hijk I’m gonna be little ah you’re never gonna take a pill for Dad you’re not concentrating cuz that’s boring and that’s a natural reaction to boring don’t concentrate find another way you’re gonna make a living your bills to pay by less shit.
And find some fun suck a dick you’re gonna fail it’ll suck a dick I’m talking to you in particular it’s your clothes whatever spin around the brass pole a few times whatever say you saw the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich and sell that shit on eBay as a grift in the system there’s always a scam you don’t have to do with just cuz your guidance counselor told you you’d excel at it welcome over this country is so.
Bereft of imagination anymore so **** in those pills well I have a lot to do it I would I was a real slut when I was a younger girl I slept with a lot of guys and it’s not something that I’m proud of but I’m in therapy now and my therapist put me on wellbutrin and effexor and she explained to me through our sessions the reason I was so promiscuous I come from a military family so I didn’t have a stable male role model in my life I have a low self-esteem because I’m a little bit chunky and I try to compensate for that by having sex with a lot of different maybe you just like the whaling in.
And out of your and untrimmed winter ready New York sludge pot that’s fantastic take some there’s nothing wrong with it free fun that’s what it’s there for geez don’t take a pill take the clock it’s there for that maybe your clitoris is there for a reason uh-huh klitz there to a trap pork-sausage it’s one equal right you’ll.
Never get you’ll have every equal right in the world and you’ll women not you specifically don’t get over yourself I’m talking women will never have the same equal right as men dude to just you can’t sling pussy without shame attached you’ll be you’ll be Hillary Clinton’s and you’ll get equal pay but you want to go **** like this guy **** s on a weekend he gets high fives you get whore they have to keep some shaming ball what I won’t pick on you just cuz you’re in the front that doesn’t matter but I’m making a point and I know it sounds base or coarse but the reason that you can’t do that as women pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind it really is it’s what gets shit bill I’m not doing for pussy this is a flaw in the system no clap for say that’s the.
Me and they know that as a catalyst and that’s why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy and they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the federally allocated recommended daily allowance of busing oh she wants to suck more than one thing or shun your.
Natural instinct or well nothing will get built as it comes down to production it really does oh they have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot something that’s hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill building up more shit sending up more boxes to the dollar store pointless shit that no one needs that’s why cocaine is illegal it makes pussy too easy to get pussy was suddenly.
Easy to get if it were simple for human beings to just relate haha regular level if he could just lay down a big fat rail on the first date you get up ten minutes later you’re sucking his dick in a dirty urinal oh you’re loving every second of it no inhibition if it were that easy then you wouldn’t have to spend 60 hours working in a factory and saving up your overtime check so one day you can afford a spoiler for your Honda let’s go.
Attract the girl’s attention and then after a lengthy courting process and you meet the parents and sign the contract maybe then one year on your birthday she’ll suck your dick in a broom closet yeah FBI got horn should have done the bump office.
This is gonna make sure your produce box by sea you don’t need come on diamonds and flowers at least black people do when they were slaves you remain clueless loosen up okay get a lot.
Of work done hard work hard work is fine if it’s a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress Celia lose it hard work if it’s if.
It’s hard work that you do for free the hard work if it’s a work of passion you know working at learning how to play the acoustic guitar you’re trying to find my prostate when we’re on ecstasy or something that’s a work of passion sure go dig it root around you know don’t work hard oh you worked hard to get.
Where you are no I didn’t i drank smoked.
And did drugs to get where i’m at i’m really i’m not glorifying shit and trying to build it up but it really is responsible for where i am i haven’t ever tried very hard i’m here because i you know drugs expanded my imagination and it made me think outside of what your reality and cigarettes gave me the patience to sit and write those thoughts down in a comedy friendly format you could understand and the alcohol gives me the courage to stand up here in front of you judgmental prick.
And if I can work hard for this oh okay I have ill-prepared therapy there are people here from the first show and you know I want is a lot of different material yeah just membered right I.
Don’t I didn’t want to try hard for this show cuz I didn’t want to send the wrong message to the kids who might be watching at home oh **** it work hard dummy and die at the end of anyone tell you sorry that’s the alcohol but it.
Makes me funnier that’s why I’ve got is what I’m drinking ironically I’m drinking to be more professional because I’m funnier when I’m drunk I really am 17 years I have a friends that I’ve had four lifelong friends that all of them have had to eventually cave in and admit that I’m funny when I’m drunk and kills them it’s like they have to deny their own religion to admit it hey all right all right bug that was a good shot I know you’re plugging a rip but Doug you have a serious problem and you make jokes about it that’s how you deal with it but I’ve been in the program for a long time if you ever want someone to talk to but don’t quit tonight though we have tickets for the Late Show we’ve seen you sober it’s a stuttering awkward wreck with no self-confidence but tomorrow we like to talk to me I’m up at 6:00 a.m. **** you looking at horrifying.
Hannah a guy tell you to your face he’s supposed to be the know-it-all and he tells you that your career is dependent on your disease kind of a scary proposition it’s like having your psychiatrist tell you that not only are the voices in your head real but they’re accurate as well.
So I shouldn’t kill the babysitter afraid so yeah I’m poor more funny.
Down my head pipe down Jesus died for.
Your sins I’m doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
That’s far more admirable Jesus never made you laugh never once you never worked all week button stacking pants at the Banana Republic or whatever you do and rushed home on Friday night and dressed up to rummage through the Bible to see what crazy antics your slapstick savior was up to this week we never made you laugh he was a mythical boring unfunny **** and I love you more now watch me jackoff that’s not even a regular tagline kind of good tracks from the whole purpose of this joke but the why would you I don’t.
Even understand the connection would die for your sin what is how you he died for your sin well why doesn’t want to affect the other I hit myself in the foot with a shovel for your mortgage but I don’t understand that and if there is a correlation why would you do that why would you die for someone since your sins are the only interesting thing about you dreary bleep mother **** ers your sins you wanna make it make you fantastic that’s what keeps us great and exciting and fun that’s amazing alive man you should wear your sins on your sleeve you should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis when you go to work in the morning the first thing out of your mouth tomorrow morning at work should be the dirtiest shit you did tonight cuz that’s what people want to hear makes you have right you tell me.
A story hypothetically you tell me a story about what a good Christian kid you are and how that good book has filled you with some ever vested loving light of Jesus that shines out of every pore in your squash you’re walking on sunshine cuz of the Lord at the same time you keep the story going real loud at the same time you tell me a story about that one time you kick **** ed a girl with cerebral palsy and we’ll see who draws a crowd even.
Even your make-believe slapstick Jesus.
On a stick and have to walk away from you right now oh that’s very that’s very nice I pray for you too but I really want to hear this start over you did one pushy into.
It oh my god never dad Oh what kind of industrial lubricant do you I can’t believe I died for these stories these stories are fascinating so **** it’s silly you’re.
Christian you get cheesed off at the Jesus I got to hating stuff to follow it so I mean you are a shithead but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shithead like a big blistering chunk of Jew hating coming right your way right now I didn’t I wrote this a bunch of.
Jew-hating stuff I didn’t intend to I was over in Scotland every year in August and Edinburgh Scotland they have the Fringe Festival it’s the biggest Arts Festival in the world so a whole month long and I’m there in August and some jackass writer for the London Times.
He’s trying to he’s writing a story about anti-semitism at the Fringe and they had found a review of mine from earlier in the festival this anti-semitic guy and where I had been quoted out of context like you know just.
A string of blurbs he says shocking things like blah and one of the things I had said that he quoted was I hate the Jews.
Which sounds anti-semitic so all of a.
Sudden I get thrown into his little piece of literature and I had said it I had said it yeah without question but I had said it like in a happy fun-loving jew-hating way there’s no animosity it wasn’t even a bit of mine it was just some aside when I was rambling about Mel Gibson was in the news at that time and I’m rambling about him being called anti-semetic going why is he getting so much press he’s an actor who gives a **** what he thinks I need press I hate the Jews give me press and ironically banging on the door it’s a.
funny story if you know me if you guys have known me for a while I’ve been doing it 17 years and I could fill three CDs worth of just the Christian bashing alone I’ve gone over my career I’ve got Mormon bashing and Muslim bashing I’ll do I’ll do more Scientology bashing once I have a stronger legal team but it wasn’t it.
Was until this phone call that I realized I’ve never done any Jew bashing in my whole career all the religion badging I’ve done it I never **** with the Jews I like what how did they ever escape.
And they do you know what in religion bashing Jews never get **** ed with because a they don’t have the aggressive recruiting policies that other religions do they don’t have billboards every 30 feet and be a Jew or burn in hell do God is watching you they’re not banging on your door with pamphlets we want to talk to you about Judaism so they don’t get shit for that they don’t get shit because they have that Holocaust sympathy they can surf on for another 15 years till the last survivor dies or two History Channel goes out of business but and the Jews to their credit they don’t have the history of atrocities that other religions have they don’t because they lost all the time sorry what but they don’t yeah they’re not like you know the Muslims and Catholics them like I’ve heard so many comics doing bitch about this new pope ozan it’s scary this new pope used to be a Nazi and go not when you look at that track records side by side the Nazis versus the Catholic Church the Nazis only lasted a dozen years and they get their ass handed to him in a high hat yeah Catholic churches but has a far more prosperous and prestigious record of murder and torture.
Nonsense not to mention the kid and they’re still around and more popular than ever I’d be far more afraid to hear someone go you know that new Nazi he used to be a pope bullshit I’m out of here that guy’s dangerous.
Yeah so **** the Jews that’s what I’m.
Saying I guess sorry I never said it over the course of my career but **** the Jews just for being a religion at all you’re as complicit as the rest in the retardation of human intellectual progress.
**** you my brother’s a Jew my brother’s a Jew and I **** in **** him too I hate his guts for I hate level but by what do you think he converted cuz the only humorless cut in his life that would ever **** him twice he had a cave-in and merrier cuz he’s afraid to die alone but he doesn’t mind settling for less and now they’re together in a passionless swamp of a relationship they.
Teach their kids that shit let’s see the parents wouldn’t have him if he wasn’t converted to Judaism cuz they’re racist and there’s another reason to **** the Jews I don’t like racist but you do too you’re not good enough if you’re not a Jew **** you mostly I hate the Jews cuz.
It wicked annoying can we agree on that really hue can annoy listen of all the.
Religions I’ve been around the Jews have a tendency to throw their judaism into whatever conversation you’re having any topic whatever the subject well that’s funny cuz I’m a Jew oh I’m a typical Jewish mother and I think grew up Jewish mom aren’t you family and juju to that’s all I got to say juju I won’t look what that what do you say to you why do you keep saying Jew I’m at an airport bar with you I have to talk to you but can you stop reminding me that you’re irrational in every third sentence it’s like it’s like people who are really into their astrological sign and they have to pitch that you know whatever conversation you’re having to define this out that’s funny I’m a Virgo here’s my Berg Oh coming out you’re gonna have to excuse me I’m a bit of a perfectionist it’s because I’m a Virgo no it’s because you’re a douchebag and you’ve been busting my balls all day has nothing to do with your astrological sign or some alignment of the stars it’s cuz you’re a shit at and it’s time for you to take individual responsibility for who you are don’t act like if your parents had **** ed a month earlier you’d be feeding me chili dogs and letting shit slide you’re an be who you are but I’m a Jew we naturally carry a lot of guilt it’s a Jewish thing no it’s a you thing you that in that chair that’s nothing to do it ut if you have guilt maybe you’re weak of character maybe you’re guilty of something I don’t know maybe you just stole a bottle of Yeager at my free zur you gotta move but it has nothing to do with some ancient tribe of blah Eddie that’s not attached to your DNA right but by the by the same logic we.
All come from apes but I don’t throw ape in every conversation you aim to define myself use ape as an excuse to defecate in my thumbless mitt and then hurl it at you up I’m sorry did.
I just splatter you with wet feces I’m sorry I have a very rich 8th upbringing a strong eight heritage a German EP a baby baby.
I’m really worthless as an individual anybody who defines themselves solely on their race or their religion or the nationality if that’s the first thing out of your mouth what are you all about well if that’s the first thing on your MySpace page well I’m an Irish American blow them **** ers out who will you got nothing else Community College in something else but you use that trivia cuz you got nothing to say useless yeah kind of out of shit not in.
This set I mean I have some stuff I put on paper but in the long term I think I’m out of shit cannibalizing my.
Out of 17 years what else do you have to say if I die soon don’t ever say I died too young every time an artist dies young I like a 9 more days before I’m 40 by still on that three in front of my number maybe they’ll say I died young I have the four.
Died early perhaps not as late as he.
Could but every time an artist dies.
Young like Kurt Cobain or whatever there’s always the people it’s so sad he had so much more to give how do you know maybe he was out of shit he’s gone he.
Got all the money he did all the drugs he **** ed all your holes and that’s the American Dream and when you’re done with that you go oh that’s why they call it a dream it’s bullshit I’m still empty and he cashed out maybe how do you know what any artist had left how do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn’t had died he wouldn’t have wound up doing Super Bowl halftime duets with Elton John right now Rocket Man oh this is tragic why didn’t that guy die he was right here oh I don’t see this smug pathetic I didn’t know if.
Lenny Bruce had not died he wouldn’t have wound up taking over an Andy Rooney spot at the end of 60 minutes just some crusty old cunt with wiry eyebrows bitching about ATM fees and a cluttered death you know maybe he’s out of shit but back.
To nationalism does nothing.
But teach you how to hate people that you never met and all of a sudden you.
Take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever and it brag about yo the Americans you go **** the French **** the French if we hadn’t to save their ass in two world wars they’d be speaking German right now you go oh was that us that was us was that me and you Tommy we saved the French Jesus I know I blacked out a little bit after that fourth shot of Jagermeister last I but I don’t remember I know we went through to Wendy’s drive-through we’re gonna get when I’m in fresh set of sandwiches it looks so alluring on the commercial but that we ordered it and realized we had no money we had to ditch out before the second window and as douchebags in line behind us with the bass music probably got our order it out we laughed about that but I don’t remember saving a friend I went through the last ten calls on my.
Cell phone and there’s nothing incoming or outgoing to the French looking for muscle on a project I check my pants has no mud stains on the knees from where we were garrotting Krauts in the trenches at Verdun I think we didn’t do anything but watch sports bloopers while we got hammered I think we should shut the **** up.
Oh it’s top tradition and heritage as.
Dead people’s baggage quit carrying it.
Did you make it up no it’s passed on to be passed that every immigration argument that you hear then they never come from a yeah well how does it affect you personally well you know these immigrants they come to our country they burden our tax system what they do is they come here and they get in our education system in our health care not gonna pay the tax my taxes have to pay that well what the **** are you doing to me every time you have a kid every time you have a kid cuz it’s American I should pull up a chaise lounge and wave a flag while fifteen of those things come out of you hey everyone I can’t wait to pay for these are American I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record but I can’t wait for all your fat headedness Midwestern can see come on you wait are you Catholic come on be fruitful multiply love it love it I’ll get a second job no keep well these immigrants they don’t **** they don’t speak the language then don’t talk to him I solve your problem that was quick you know who speaks the language perfectly your next-door neighbor you’ve lived there eight and a half years you’ve never said one word to that guy you avert eye contact should you check the mail at the same time so why would you give a shit with the guy selling gimmick knobs in a cart in the park speech it’s not a business and all is all the cliched arguments like that whether they’re lazy that have shipped this and they’re criminals and all this they all those arguments go against the main cliched argument of their taking American jobs I live on the Mexican border I lived seven miles off the Mexican border in a town Bisbee Arizona little town I can go out.
Any day and watch Border Patrol arresting these guys by the Dozen eleven at a time out of a Dodge Omni like a clown car with plastic cuffs yeah and you’re right they don’t speak the language and they probably have no education they don’t have shoes at the time I like barefooting tattered Castaway like Gilligan’s Island shorts and like a dirty t-shirt and dehydrated wandering a desert before days and if that guy is as qualified for your job as you are you’re a loser of such ethic humiliating proportions I would be ashamed to have anyone find out that guy took my job he doesn’t speak English what did they do your job training in pantomime shithead oh boy boy.
I see boy you’re out of here mullet.
Heads hey guys what’s up you should have tried harder nobody bitches about immigrants taking that job if that person has skills of any level not here **** a brain surgeon sitting around the Beverly Hills hotel lounge you know really chaps my ass Barry Scandinavian.
Fellas are coming over taking all our good neurosurgery positions the Norwegians specifically I said we found ourselves a bottle of Jack Daniels and go stop us of ouija ass the first Ouija we see Jenna jump out of that Explorer.
To pound him immigrants all started with that Einstein once they brought him over from Germany and we didn’t have any good genius jobs who has a trickle-down effect.
Steal your job hate hating here fear.
Fear hate they hate beer good they’re taking your jobs and terrorism trying to blow up your Ford Focus specifically it needs a bucket where’s my Purell I touch the doorknob there’s a new fever of flu as a big gay silver responsible boring dull hand sanitizer generation and I can’t get the germs up he passed it up I’m afraid I try to qualify I use.
Gay too liberally but I use it as a word of weakness I attached no sexuality to the word if you’re gay and you’re in here and you’re offended I’ll be at the door and a way out and I’ll suck your dick just to show I meant no offense I’m not gonna get wicked into it like yank on your balls like you’re coked up that’s the only way you can come I’ll just pinch it with two fingers but just.
To show that I mean no disrespect cuz it’s too strong of a word to let go gay is a good word.
So you know I got a little sore on my lip right there to match the one that broke out on my dick from this dress yeah well you know what I mean I was a player not a spectator in this life honey you look at a herpes like a skateboarder looks at a skinned knee when you play along deal and I hate that nd anymore I’m an old man but I’ll give a shit anyway let’s move on I was trying to.
Segue into kid but Segway is gone let’s just jump right in shall we.
Internet predators yeah oh they’re very.
Popular all over the television a lie can catch a predator MySpace yeah I don’t forget yeah like I don’t know cuz I was a kid at one point I don’t remember but it is pictures but uh I remember we didn’t have the Internet but to avoid predators our parents would go up hey uh son don’t talk to strangers some of them might try to **** it you all thanks for the heads up and then you just went about your day does that not work for the internet now you don’t have to parent anymore oh the internet like I have some crazy way of getting around that don’t talk to strangers good luck if you’re a parents and you’re in here I know you don’t want to hear this you’ll argue with me and you’ll say that I I’m twisting to back I’m wrong but this is the truth that probably a huge probability when I say probably astronomical odds Vegas odds statistical probability probably nobody wants to **** your kid I know you don’t want to hear it you want to think that child is so ultra **** able that all the pedophile they’re jockeying for position right now down at the seesaws waiting for him to come out of first period wait for it got that junkie kid the O’Neal kid that’s what we’re all here for if you wanted your kid to get **** ed just to prove to your neighbors in your dating community that your kids hotter than their kid and you say your kid out as bait and you put him in a Catholic schoolgirl skirt with no underpants and you made him hop on a pogo stick to school so his little pink fleshy hindquarters shown so temptingly towards traffic he would still probably graduate school having never been booed and then what an you’d look like trying to brag around a gated community at the next cocktail mixer just by the grace of God it no one ever **** ed him it’s only because of my hyper vigilance and the work of my congressman getting more laws passed on the internet that he never got if I were a parent I would.
Prefer that pedophiles be on the internet there’s no more pedophiles in the world than there ever have been they act like the Internet is creating pedophiles where there were none if I were a parent if you exist anyway stay on the Internet stay jacking off in your basement in South Carolina as opposed to the old-fashioned way where they actually went down to your schoolyard they did laps around the playground Smarties on a fishing line trying to fly fish Jr Oldsmobile he’d be known by the internet just don’t **** the kid actually that’s what it’s about right just don’t **** the kid that’s all you should worrying about but that’s now forgetting the Attorney General is he says his number one focus is to stop the kid but he doesn’t he wants to go after the Internet he’s not going after the guy with the kid in the camera he just was they used that fear-mongering to get more government control in your life more legislation more oh no I don’t want to have to be responsible for my own kid you take care of it mr. government and if I get tired.
Of it I’ll just vote for the other party and that’ll make a difference solve it.
Internet have you seen it Attorney General we.
Need to stop this is rampant on the Internet we need more government involvement because I’ve never seen it on the Internet but I’ve seen every other type of TV and grotesque sometimes stimulating always clever every other type of be that two eyeballs can absorb you get.
Into one good fruitless coke yank where you’re all gapped up on blow and you’re just beating off till the band plays cuz hookers won’t answer that phone at this hour you know it’s not gonna work ain’t gonna finish it this is a cold dead eraser in your hand right now you wake up your punch in the face you Wiggum talk to me awake when we bought this shit you wake it up now and you just start clicking on random links and you got pop-ups everywhere and that chick looks hot click on that you go everywhere just keep seeing shit it’s never what it’s advertised eighteen-year-old amateur hot co-ed action and you click on it and it’s a bondage and I’m a somebody the amputee I see what preggo popper lactating mom all and flat top **** er I mean it all sound like funny shit they all exist shit I make fun of midget movie it’s funny to say but it’s out there it’s like the comic relief I look at after I just jacked off to something hugely uncomfortable and I go let’s go look at midget and laugh ha someone’s into this dude ain’t hard.
But it’s all out there all this shit never saw someone **** a kid seen three old queers go to my website on the forum on my website seriously they have a thread called the tsunami of boom where all these guys just posts the most disturbing picture to puck with everyone else three old queers is three old guys in their 70s they look like any kind of young Fez wearing like in Shriners but now they’re all naked one suck and the other ones dick and the other two are making out very passionately which is more disturbing than even the blowjob is the other two silver-haired good scene that ever seen the child but I’ve seen caught fingering on the internet he’s caught fingering I’ve seen that several times randomly surf and digit in the male urethra objects in the male urethra seeing finger I’ve seen it several times yet I’ve still never managed to see someone **** a child randomly so if it is rampant on the Internet fingering is probably occurring in this room as we speak.
I have no children if I if I had.
Children once people have kids they get all week and they have that genetic defect that makes them want to protect but make other people like the government do it for me I don’t I don’t have a child maybe I’d feel differently if I did well would you have kids I don’t know I know I’ve had an abortion I’m with my wife and it’s been five.
Years probably now I just want to say still a great decision every row v Wade.
Anti-abortion rally that comes out they’ll find some **** in crying come from a trailer park and put her behind a podium and Pat her back so she gets attention and you go hey regret the day I had an abortion because I was in a lot of Shalott I wish I had that baby bag about us we don’t agree on much my wife and I but we agree that was the best decision we ever made still five-year anniversary glad we **** in killed the baby five years later is still glad so happy no guilt no regret have a lot of regrets about how handled the relationships and what the baby never brought up just say Casey you ever come to that point where I’ll regret it then like we haven’t you don’t hear that side of the story same I got it I got it I got this.
Anti-abortion flier that way they were sticking them under everyone’s windshield wiper in the parking lot of this place in Texas and it had a picture of a dead fetus on the front you know how them the pro-life folk are so fond of the dead fetus photo they get a picture of an aborted fetus and they run home and they blow it up large on a placard and they bring it down to their protest rally and they shove it in your face at 9:30 in the morning what.
Abortion does right there don’t you turn away okay I’m just going to the ATM I’m.
Not going in this place and clear the sidewalk lady I’m hungover barb anyway okay they do that the idea is that picture is supposed to be so disturbing and so disgusting that it will single-handedly change your whole view of the abortion issue and as though live childbirth were really pretty to look at when that living monsters actually you’re ripping out of you.
It’s all covered in blood and mucus it spewed him flying everywhere look at this screaming hey your scream everybody’s screaming you your husband’s vomiting through a surgical mask while trying to maintain a comforting eye contact and now you’re.
Smashing the have all been torn into one big open septic manhole don’t.
You turn away oh yeah you put a picture of that under my windshield wiper I’ll frame it and put it over the piano as it’s adorable it’s a little sweetheart but this little peaceful freeze-dried aborted fella playing all night time on.
A comfy pillow next to a ruler he’s this plastic same be that like I said I’ve had an.
Abortion I’ve been party to an abortion so and we don’t know what became of it when we had an abortion we just shuffled out the front door we didn’t tang its ear or keep in touch tracking on a GPS since the lunar penpals know if I can left so if I see a picture of an aborted fetus there’s a party that’s got a wonder a little bit speedy anything like it Oh.
God a little bit he’s got my scowl.
Have you had an abortion it really makes.
The whole idea the whole concept of heaven a lot more disconcerting if you’ve had an abort as a rational or illogical as that idea is it still it’s depressing to think about if there were a heaven and that you fought through the white light and get up to the pearly gates that’d be the first dead relative weight and boy they’re all angry and pinch face and oh look who’s here oh.
Yeah yeah took your time didn’t you.
Look like you were having a lot of fun down there yeah you know they took.
Pictures of me they took pictures of me baby there’s no room for fencing would.
You know my name.
Sigh so I get the flyer he’s got the.
Dead fetus on the front on the back of the thing it’s got the whole pro-life propaganda screed at the bottom the guy who prints these things for a living for fun or profit or whatever his motivation is he puts his name and phone number at the bottom in case you want to order more and I’m drunk with a phone and the.
Guy answers his phone it’s not even it’s not even a business as no that’s a dude and rural Wisconsin and his phone in the bedroom oh and I want to **** with him but I want to be original you don’t want to just be drunk and trying to throw logic at this problem you’re just gonna waste cellphone minutes that’s like trying to kick water uphill you ain’t gonna win so what I did is I came at him and I attacked him from the more conservative angle where I accused him of being the worst type on this planet.
I can’t believe what I’m looking at sir this is a child in his photograph that’s not a choice that’s a child and for you to distribute photographs of naked children around my neighborhood they’re attracting the most deviant type of child predator on this planet right.
Now preterm necrophiliac child molesters.
Are masturbating like frenzied Apes and.
Cages to your handiwork sir don’t you.
Just addictive dummy you knew what you were doing you could have photoshopped a bikini onto that little baby you could have airbrushed a tasteful one-piece but you chose not to cuz this is how you get your rocks off and I hope you burn it.
I don’t get here very often I’m glad I.
Had the opportunity again so I can.
Close strong and say **** the Yankees I want to close it.
**** you and your Yankees **** the Yankees yes **** the Yankees for several reasons you want to go through all of them **** the Yankees a they bought their team yes they bought the team they spent the most money they’re supposed to win like okay not **** if you have money on the Yankees different story if you have money on any team okay go ahead and cheer for that team it’s kind of like having stock in a company you have an investment you’re cheering for that but if you’re just gonna be some blood headed alcoholic drinking overpraise beer in the stands I paid too much money for parking and they’re gonna yell for a team have some character and picking underdog if you’re just yelling to yell pick it underdog or not the Yankees is supposed to win so for you to be a dildo arrogant fan on top of that that’s like going to a casino and cheering for the house.
And casino just set up shop right behind.
A blackjack table and go home dealer busting your ass bitch huh that’s my dealer I chose that dude I got my dear dealer I spent food money for this hat I’m hungry look is that **** .
The Yankees most cuz they’re the reason that you have to go outside to smoke cigarettes and the reason that they just.
Banned trans fat and food they’re telling you how to eat in the city how to live your life what you can do on your own property they just banned plug it they’re trying to band I like it iPods and Crosswhite State Supreme Court in this state ten days ago upheld a ban on dancing in nightclubs anybody know this nightclubs not Utah not Footloose New York City top guys aren’t you you’re standing out like **** in bitches smoking outside they tell you what you can put your food where you can eat where to dance where to walk it like it use myself oh behind the wheel of a car of a tough mother**** before they advertise how tough you are you might want to go into the bathroom and do some up Bloomberg’s smell out of your assholes because it seems to me are just little bitches to City Hall and that’s why I say **** the Yankees too cuz the Yankees what you were all rallying around and getting pumped up and badass about when you should have been down at City Hall 60,000 yeah getting amped up next on someone even mentions a smoking ban it should have been 60,000 you pricks booing and throwing batteries at the guy who suggested it you could spected mother****ers I’m gonna go see outside smoking.
Applause this is my credits roll.
I’ll be back this is not real.
We’ve had a credit to be honest with grab that’ll be credit that would be real for like 60 of my show all right.