Have a look at Joey Diaz Tells Hilarious Shit Stories

Gentlemen black helicopters have been.

Spotted your podcast with your wife is one of my favorite podcasts it’s so consistently silly thank it is very he’s so ridiculous yeah and people get silly when they get on it they do and then you know I start seeing like oh this is like your mom’s house bit I need to send it to Tom yeah they send me a couple good ones I can tell was scary about taking a without 90 people hitting me up the next day telling me that was the most brilliant story in the world was gonna send it to Thompson at a time I tell a shameless comic it’s off and bought myself something I’m two days later sure enough I’m shooting the YouTube video that’s true I am with you all and I’m ready playing joey telling stories for sure any told us about when he in his backyard and somebody throw a barrage to get some lady she would get me she let her dogs out every day and then she would clean up they were all South Africa french poodles yeah like he does it has his high up in the air which is reeling back from show the amount of Joe Rogan’s she looked at it and she’s like 58 so she squinted at me up against the wall years.

Ago I took a and I put my back against the wall so I when you outside it’s not going to be a decent yeah it’s gonna be like explosive uh-huh so when I got up and was like somebody got shot in the head off behind yeah so keep it there was a little Cape Town french poodles hello chihuahuas and she’s looking at the wall like what the happened man her oldest said she actually walks up close to it squint and looks like and looks around and runs it out I’m watching all this I can’t breathe and now I go to the computer cuz my wife is very decent I’m sitting there for half I think my wife comes in she was reading home all day today I go yeah why she’s I just had a conversation with Susan she wanted to know if you heard me thing in the backyard I like this I want to get sushi I give it a good suit a lot of it yeah the rice pushes everything out yeah you had plans to go get a weed store you were a little postponed but I made a detour I plan to go home but I left the house key in the house so I had to climb around the window that’s what happened yeah so when I pulled.

Myself up I actually landed with my stomach on the window and now you really just made push it out more like flatter than at my hands are struggling the window system my left hand a feeder on the other day and a cat – miaow and he’s flying at me right and I’m like it’s me so I out ran down the stairs outside oh my god that’s was the Vatican savings back yard after a five-hour drive from Colton to some Chat Hour weird town did he not talk to you after that for a while I took a and then he ran over it with his car and go backyard smelly it was nice I go over the next day he goes it smells back to us poking out I don’t know what happened and you can see the brown kid pushed it with the tire a bunch of why even talk to me for a month I play in somebody’s backyard got anything out on you because I told the truth so bad oh my god that’s hard to clean up – oh yeah you can clean up dogshit it does me make you gag but human bomb yeah I’m gonna clean up some wine oh if yetis one of scrapers yeah mouth so much longer man we’re out it’s so much or little girl you take a okay it’s – you cut.

It in half right call the shithead now when that’s I get one that hooks with us when that Reese’s Peanut Butter fume leaks out oh my he’s like I’ve done studies no when you go to jail when you heard now when you want a prison you have to cut the sharing up the like in a tube while people watching TV like when you go to County Jail you right so black guys will be laying there watching TV with their feet up and also this small little they’re like put some water in hole that Judge is yelling from the other side of the prison because that means you took a yeah so in prison soon as you got to put water on it yeah but there’s some bathrooms that only give you 20 ounces of water a day so whatever time you flush it’s got to be a good flush you follow me you probably piss sometimes the piss has to stay there until the next day until you take a good put it when you take a in jail bro that’s what they’ll tell you cuz the water put some hole in that motherfucking hole dog I can smell that.

Right now I’m trying to watch Oprah but that’s what smelled one stuff yeah sucks it it’s like when you go to Vegas yeah to have that sucking action yeah well you take a this big that’s 34 inches what’s that sucker thick breaks it will say two new jokes what happen righteous it’s over they put the bathroom right by door the front entrance yeah and have nobody come over right that’s why I was go downstairs take yeah I don’t my bathroom the whole time no more because it kills the whole room for two hours we worked at the House of Blues in Vegas and Joey left an on shore you know an on shore is like he was so fat at the time that he couldn’t sit down in like the regular toilet you were like who you wanted for 15 he was like a giant so when he would take a he would had have to balance himself mostly on the very edge of the front because his ass was so big why didn’t in the water why on the deck no oh they would be stuck so know you ain’t never seen a like that before so you couldn’t sit in the toilet I would sit on the toilet but I don’t like my love the rule on the edge it.

Wasn’t that I was fat I don’t like my dick inside the toilet right somebody gonna suck your dick and also this succulent toilet I tell my wife I never let my wife be in public because I want to eat a monkey I don’t want that much so when I the public bathroom I hope my balls okay and I towards the edge I don’t give a it’s on the outside bathroom right so you want to hold your balls and sit where you are right none of those I gotta move forward because if I’m back there I got grabbed one time and they’re sitting on the toilet does jump from that toilet inward like they jumping over a – I see people saying they got crabs for the toilet is well sometimes you could greg crabs from any web of life I can only get it from here they only clean the hairs I don’t think they like will stay on an actual toilet I think you’re probably definitely right yeah I would feel like that’s one of the like crabs I took a shirt just gas station that had to be it that’s what I always figured it was know so I always hold my nut I it was long and Redman put ketchup on it.

I remember right than 100 ketchup coming okay unfortunately I think that was a different time okay this has not happened with different yeah there’s been many it’s like sticking out of a doing that there’s a smell you know how when you take an epic it’s an above water it comes out like the Big Island of Hawaii yeah just Rises through the water yeah like I’ve done that many times where cuz I eat too much then I’ll take these shits that are just like so big they’re preposterous but there’s a totally different smell to those shits because you’re smelling raw outside of the water right mean it’s gone through the water yeah it’s poking into this wrong what is it about that makes you happy what is it about that we’re complement like oh there’s a good one right here does it come around that often either no water yeah man it’s like a comic like it’s just like I don’t this happen all the time it’s always diarrhea – it’s never like it’s never like a super like thick log if we’re in the second way the diarrhea like when you take a long log you’re proud of yourself.

Yeah and then you like think I got a little more in there and it’s like wow and it’s just a you know that’s from what Australian Guide healthy eating Lose Weight healthy eating does that yeah if you eat some MCT oil yeah coconut oil I do that see it lubes up your pipes it’s because where I moved to now I have the office to back office and this connects it to a bathroom it’s try to live with stink no more I open the door in the morning let’s take on the backyard I smoked the their backyard anymore no okay hi door goes faces headed backyard I have my own bathroom in the bedroom then one of the guys in the hallway I want to put a wall through one of her no I got mine on the shower back there yeah leave her alone open the back door the Enable Tcp fast open the back door this is school behind a kids play I’m smoking I don’t give a Frenchman’s and it don’t smell minimal I light a candle that’s beautiful that’s what you need is a bathroom with a door that faces outside the worst is when you go over a girl’s house and you go to use.

Her bathroom and you smell matches yeah oh no she was lighting this up yeah and I just made it thanks all you thinking like burning off fumes and making bubble yeah the stinky buddy hey panicking about our mess ever get to a girl’s place and then you feel the gurgles and you’re like I was not ready yeah I could I’ve had that before I’ll dating a girl once she had diarrhea ferocious so she mauled in regular yeah just no one time and so she went to the bathroom and she just turned on to the shower and she turns both on the sink whoa yeah and just super shouldn’t I drown it out ahead so I’m like what the is going I was very young at the time you didn’t understand what I’m super confused the is going on in there I had once in college where I was at this girl’s place and she was just like case came on like go for it right I had to take I could feel that it was a diarrhea circus an explosive diarrhea and I also realized there was no way to do it that it would just be a black toilet and that there’s no way I could cover so you know what I.

Did well I went back to my place I was like oh I’ll see you some other time or what is it run the next day her friends you’re the like they gave me credit but they thought I was God that I was a good cuz they’re like you’re awesome I was like I had to take ya grow tree white girls yeah because they’re not getting they don’t want their friend to get right so to use reverse psychology on you you’re an amazing guy got nine days and get credit I hope you wait forever a suckle not even when you get married tell her we can’t married be clever so much you can have sex after you’re married nebulous not about that right it’s about yeah like Twilight love if I had boughs that were intact it would have been a different story that night mouse valve of owls yes yeah there’s a time when you know that it’s in the sensitivity of your inner region amazed is it knows especially when you go to sleep out a fart right when you like about to cut a fart and then also an alarm start going off no yeah oh no you got a clamp shot like mean Jesus what is this we were.

Having this debate yesterday about why are they sometimes hot like why is it hot and then does why do you know that hots gonna smell bad spicy food bro is it but is that what it is slowly Asian I don’t know remember I was telling you guys at one time my freshman yet and take a shift for a week and a Alex I was addicted to stake them is America cheap look at all right a freshman me how are you that day that’s a long road man well are you alive I played freshman ball and we’re playing Pattison East Side play just a jungle over school like you got to be careful you know and that we were going to play the Christmas tournament but what kind of ball are we talking about that’s a basketball I hadn’t taken his shift like ten days I’ve got something I took acid something myself I didn’t tell nobody in those days I was really scared of doctors I wouldn’t say to nobody the way home we got on the bus and what we will wait there my stomach started hurting I said Jesus Christ I don’t know if I’m nauseous myself a fart well let me just take a chance you know can I blew this fart Joe Rogan that was.

So bad like we want a bus and people Gaining Weight started running here the Seat Belts school buses people Gained Weight started running to the windows right to swing down the bus windows but here’s what goes better I fought it again and the teachers were going oh my god he’s changing flavors flavor but the worst thing was ah the cheerleaders are crying that’s how bad they were singing friend of bus she played a lot of the teachers yelled uh oh my god he’s changing from that’s our bad parts what’s up next t-shirt oh my god he’s changing place whole bus stop yeah I’ll never forget looking at the Chilean like oh my god we’ve never smelled not like this before I was god-awful I wrote a blog about one of joeys farts one design on a plane yes think I read that called happy pills and it I was thinking about I was looking at the mad and take this I was looking at this ad for anti-depression card I know some girl dancing around on field of wheat and you know those ads yeah and I’m good I was just thinking about like what you know what depresses people and how crazy pills aren’t how crazy oh it’s.

Still up there you can still find it I think anyway at the end of this is a really city like me we’re both of us are barbecued I don’t know the what do we add about some sort of edibles in the beginning lollipops yeah way the beginning we were crucified Brogan was asleep yeah he was going in and out but he groped on the blog and I don’t have to look at the fart was straw he’s lucky I farted because it was a lot better than the Antonio Banderas movie he was watching something to do so I’m talking about Davis movie I don’t remember what I was what it was but I do remember the lady behind you I will never forget hearing her over the earphone yeah I hear oh my god hey Stan over the pounding sound in my ipod I hear a woman in the row behind us cry out oh my god I look over at Joey and he smiles there’s your happy pill right there that’s you right Antonia Banderas it says real what was it so I know yeah teaching underprivileged youths how to salsa that’s when I was watching I was watching move terrible we both were and Joey farted the fart of all our men do you remember whether way we lost the.

Feet you have no part will you actually feel you like Thank You rose Jan when you’re in a plane and it’s gonna go down what’s the button you push to throw a janitor seat value and it was it’s like he’d waive his seat belt into your way oh my god it was terrible but another time thought still I think the number one bus from Medical Center jersey city off arrogance on a high school and we were on the bus one morning kids and there was a guy reading a paper I could live to be a hundred and never forget his reading The New York daily news and he had a connector of drool from his lift to Phone Number daily news and there was a puddle was on heroin they would go to Grove Street jersey city in those days and get methadone so we take the bus up north with us so I’m sitting there he’s passed the out and the drool is connected to the Bowling Green daily news and there’s got to be two six inches of publicize been passed out for twenty minutes I point my ass at him I’m a cool because I’m not sitting behind them I’m sitting across him yeah and I lift up my hips a little bit so I kept my just point that even if it wasn’t boring that it would ricochet off the chair and go straight into his.

Mouth like he’s sitting there I let a fart go out oh I can live to be 80 he listened familiarize like this first night like he went like this first like hey what is mom like man who the because it’s like that one episode leaves died and my little buddy’s like what this uh yeah look giggling uh he’s like I should beat the out of a bottle of his mother oh my god oh my god oh this is what this is why I hate people this is why I hate when I repo guy give me a second daddy this is the reason why I read posts some people going are you sucking right of balloon comedy will come down to the standards either in Friday night and listen to intelligent comedy correspondent moment thought-provoking comedy and then I think about how many times I’m 54 years old and at night I got a sleep Best Sleep apnea machine on and there’s a little needle in the sleep Philips Sleep apnea machine because the hole punches air into your mouth so there’s an escape valve that’s the size of a needle do you know how many nights I will sit there and be half of sleep and I’ll need to fart and I’ll wake up just a fart to see if I could smell the fart.

Come through that hole do you yes if it comes through the hole if it’s tremendous fun I just wake up my wife like I love it you got hell it like it’s that good I’m 54 years old that always makes me laugh Tom Segura