How’s it going great nice to be here enough Philadelphia I took your subways today I give the urine smell it I give it an eight it’s most disgusting shit I’ve ever smelled my life preserver nobody scrubs those things man the I kept looking around it smells bad so it’s almost peeing next to me it’s on the stairs to the platform to the subway car urine my eyes are watering up then the effect anything goes drag people there to say hey sure now they trying to watch out for yeah it’s my stop shit is nasty man you guys need to get together as a group somebodies everybody bring a little Ajax everyday scrub a little square yourself clean that shit up and that is you know tourists coming to town let’s go check out the Liberty Bell I don’t want to see anything shit is awful this town is it’s crazy got stupid that Rocky shit still going on let’s go there didn’t hotel rally around a guy he doesn’t even exist it’s an actor you never had a fight in his it is stupid it’s mean I had a fight in his life the only one that shit cuz it said to do that in the script was the T could have kicked his action scoring touchdowns they play the theme to Rocky it’s hilarious I’m from Boston man we score touchdowns you don’t play the theme from cheers or anything making the way in your world would you like to find away sin is ridiculous oh I like your food down here you guys do not give a the Surgeon General all that shit all things got like this much cheese chickens like molten chicken dudes everybody drunk out there just eat that shit that’s why it’s in the subways it too loaded down with all the cheese my best friend crying oh megaman shit come on shut up look to somebody alright so I didn’t do why to do shit today I’m really yeah it’s almost Jordan Club I just watch TV but loser those watches Dale’s watching that show why MTV Cribs that’s my show you guys watch that show like that you know where they show the rock stars the rappers houses and all their stuff does this show make you feel like a loser it’s awful self esteems out the window watching britney spears this but she’s like 20 years old she’s like oh my god this is my helicopter I had a spray-painted pig to match my tube top so cool I put some glitter let me go to the third part we’re gonna fly up to the house I’m like 34 sitting on a futon eat macaroni cheese loser I’ll never own a helicopter how the hell’d she get a helicopter I haven’t accomplished anything I’m a disgrace you know I love about that show though all they’re doing is showing you what not to do when you get rich seriously because none of those people are saving their money half them all they have is one hit song so they really be buying all that shit seriously 20 room house seven eight cars it’s just like dude don’t you watch behind the music you know what I mean you’re gonna be smoking crack in like six weeks hold on to the shit they never invested they never get like you know CD they obviously I just wanted a ferris wheel I got one from my monkey I have my own arcade dumb man they’re all gonna go broke this stupid man you wanted not to be rich don’t look a rapper don’t look at a rockstar they don’t know what they don’t look at a guy like Bill Gates that guy is good at being rich you know he makes 30 million dollars a day can you believe that look how he dresses like you’re worse than like a shoe store got that same piece of shit blue blazer looks very you know it’s very works everywhere I go gets my loafers you know kind of he’s on a budget that’s why he’s always gonna be rich he’s not buying a bunch of flashy shit like walking around like ice out laptop medallion hanging on his head some fuzzy pimp add to the side start your shit with IBM Microsoft own you all to sit in a hot tub with some bitches I have a midget ‘no screw just for the of it you know I mean just starting shit hey that’s the new status symbol of rich people of bitches if you notice a no entourage is complete now unless you have a midget you gotta have a midget and you know what that’s good for midgets that’s good for those people cuz historically they have not gotten good jobs even when they booked a movie they never get to be the hero they always got to play like a troll or a fairy running out from under a bridge fighting on somebody’s ankle it’s horrible feel bad for midgets I still call the midgets – I don’t supposed to calm little people now I think that sounds worse don’t you it’s like you’re a little person yes you are look the little person want to come up on the big stage I like midget but what’s wrong with midget that’s a good word – tough work a midget yeah Michie that’s Stewart Lee political correctness out of control there was no reason to change midget midget’ wasn’t a racial slur right but just weren’t dragged here from another country forced to do cartwheels in a circus it’s just the word that’s a table that’s a chair in you’re a midget there’s no hatred there know that gay irritating I’m really sick of bitches no think they see I know who the is leading the bitches okay but to do he’s not doing a good job see that change in the names cuz they’re trying to get us to stop laughing now and they think up they you know it’s like dude you got to get a real job I just don’t want it work they’re always on trampolines always jumping on it cars 50 of their friends running around always playing circus get a real job get off of it get off of the trampoline get into a cubicle so sort of customer service shit then ya get a suit run around like a clown all the a ridiculous thing to be mad about really get to suck of these bitches I was watching on Intercontinental Airport george bush today give us some sort of speech or try to I should say you guys like George Bush no you know what I like about Airport Houston george bush he makes me feel like I could be President to you know he’s like the first guy from like my reading level you know I mean first guy from my math class to actually make it get him he’s you know about that guy he can’t say the word terror he uses the word every speech he can’t say terror he goes there he goes America will not stand protect anybody who supports tear is we’re gonna get what kind of president goes we’re gonna get you he’s like some redneck they dragged out of a barbecue put him in a suit good if you go we’re gonna get you should be just standing on stage with like a couple of bloodhounds gonna smell the shirt get the stick okay damn that who’s a good dog I’ll tell you one thing I have realized so when you go to war man that’s the one time when you really have to like appreciate redneck so you know that you know why cause right next to like the one group of people that actually like want go to war no they do the outboard that’s like their Super Bowl you don’t they like make a dip and shit you know I mean they really want to go everybody else tries to get out of it like rich people never go to war know you ask a college kid if he wants go to war it’s like um I’m taking this sociology class I think war is stupid my roommates like half Afghani that’s gonna cause some static you ask a redneck if he wants go to war is your song he’ll yeah right just hold the direction buddy I’m ready to do this shit all my life people telling me I’m up no they’re frightening people but you got to utilize seriously you want to scare the enemy all right and redneck so like America’s pit bulls they should just sedate those people drop them off in Afghanistan just let it run wild just be like dude just go do everything you ever dreamed to do it just go crazy have one of your friends play the banjo it’ll scare the shit out that’s what I would do draft psychos don’t drag decent people don’t drive some dude who works at Staples that we need keep him go to the swamps of this country get people rabies perverts get people like to jerk off in public you know just get like the cancer of this society like homeless people who like talk to buildings I’m ash just send all that shit over there bunch of freaks run right where the ‘s a just irritate them send people over who talk too loud on their cell phones just got a cheeseburger now that just makes sense to me right next to psycho-pass you wouldn’t want to draft a guy like me I’m a comedian I’m useless I am lazy I’m a coward I don’t like confrontation you draft a redneck not only is that dude a psycho will actually save your those guys show them to the army like here’s your m16 they’re like I got one I got some shit in the trunk you ain’t ever seen before but I went on eBay got me some of that surface there shit took it out hunting got me a moose in a duck at the same time uneven say the duck was over her I’m aiming at the moose ducks over her at my breakfast over her and the shot went up the Moose is ass and the shrapnel from his antler hit the dum-dum came down the best goddamn duck out tell that hilarious funny people you got.
To give it up to him cuz that patriotic people those sons of bitches you’ll never catch a ready redneck it like an anti-war protest going hell no we will go the decide wait I get to kill people ain’t going to jam wait a minute I’ll be boring oh my god sorry aria Christmas in September I never do this shit when I go down south I never do this material keep talking about no I’m actually I got a minute I’m afraid of those people no I’m really am not like you know all southern a lot of people that’s those do backwoods dudes I just scary I always try to like make conversation with him when I do shows and you know it’s always they got like anger they’re crazy like they love that truck so you know they got like they’re kind of they’re like angry and proud so I’m trying to make conversation cuz I’m nervous like yeah that’s a nice drunk guy what kind of truck is it American truck train America by American like a right buddy relax not American shit I get a cheeseburger I get American cheese on that bitch I know that Swiss shit I don’t trust it it’s got all them holes in it people looking I just I get nervous when I go down.
Are we saying that up shit SAS killing a razz game do what secede from the union okay two morons shit was 200 years of 150 years ago know you lost get over yeah so I live in New York what I’m not from there but uh no I’m actually from Massachusetts it just something that if say you live in New York yeah I hate taking the sub which man I gotta get a car I can’t handle that shit you know why you taking this always out a very like Howdy Doody kind of bug me kind of face people always with me when I’m on the train I hate the train I’m always scared when I’m on the train zone with somebody yelling mother fire if I been standing on the platform late at night and you hear the crazy dude coming oh shit come on shrink come on Frank shit starts getting closer goddamn kill like I’ll shit please express drink please never do the show with the guys coming in you hide on the other side of the pole and you just go all the way this isn’t right.
They just ought to have one car for all the crazy people thank you that when you go to jail they put the murderers over there if you just some dude you know did some lighter shit you don’t throw everybody together it’s crazy I was on it that I was on Downton 6 in New York Montes true story I’m sitting there I’m staring at the floor not doing the sign thing staring at the floor there’s like 20 other people in the middle of the train all of a sudden here this lady’s voice at back the train is swear to god she’s hitting as she’s going sporting on she’s like and you know it’s like you don’t want to look what’s the shit like that’s happening I mean is kind of sitting there going sit back make it go away don’t want to see the rest of shit it just keeps she’s going to sit so finally I got a I look down I swear to god man this dude he’s got his girl like right by the back of the neck he’s going to shut the up you shut up she’s like shut up so I don’t know what the hell to do cuz it’s like I really want to help her out but I don’t really know how to fight so what am I gonna do I’m gonna walk down the end of the train five seconds later I’m gonna be gone so I didn’t do shit didn’t I just sat.
There I was like her she picked them it’s not my problem maybe she’s into that type of stuff I don’t want to you know I love about that job only works in cities that have subways people who ride Subway’s love that joke I tell that joke in the middle of nowhere people just stare at me like I’m an it was like oh my god that’s terrible it was a disturbing she didn’t try to intervene but why didn’t you just separate the party that’s some shit you know when you first come to the city like oh my god it’s a problem I think I’ll help out stab down that’s oh that shit to guys you just like you did the right thing you did the right thing it was already in tragedy no sense making it a massacre somebody had to be around to describe the assailants it might as well a vineyard every time I get on the train up I just feel like I’m just pressing my luck I was on the train about three weeks ago true listen shit this black guy goes again on the train right and the doors like closed on them you know when that shit happens just kind of they like open it shut almost like trying to dice shopping there’s like 20 people watching and nobody helps just like wow I think it’s gonna cut his arm off so the dude is stuck in doors the conductor comes out and starts giving them shit as he snuck us into the Lord’s going come on buddy let’s go my own people are let’s go so do the door flip sighs you yelling at me for like I’m stuck in the doors then he makes it racial he’s like what no white people ever get stuck in these doors because I maybe wouldn’t say shit to these cracker ass motherfuckers over here it was like me and three other Harlem Shake white dudes sitting there and he gets into with this guy he keeps coming back to that point like I maybe wouldn’t say shit to these fat ass motherfuckers over here and after like the third or fourth cracker-ass we kind of start like looking at each other like dude should we might be getting offended at point this is getting ridiculous I can literally feel the heat from his fingers he’s going my ass somebody should do something you know what nobody did shit we just sat there and took it that’s what sucks about being white in that situation there’s no unity there’s no brothers when it comes to white people we are individuals we are the worst but it’s like hey I don’t know him that’s his wrong I do not give a shit long as I can’t where I’m going this right here isn’t happening this here is happening from here over I’m from to here and you’re here I’m in this I’m in this right here and that old that’s over there shit somebody’s waiting at the point I think one black guy could walk up to four Young Fathers white dudes start beating the crap out one of them that was real Oculus Rift white dudes gonna do shit woopie like my a must have said something I don’t wanna get involved movie starts in five minutes eh whatever them that shit doesn’t work both ways I get no fight with a black guy even these winning the fight half the neighborhood still shows up and helps out gonna fight a black guy stop believing you start with him and then this is crew and people running out of buildings it’s like Braveheart it’s like waves of black people coming over the hill this big community effort shit is unbelievable people I got called a cracker for 18 stops there’s like 30 other white people on the train didn’t even look up from their newspapers anything they’re probably given the other dude the benefit of the doubt like well he probably grew up in a rough neighborhood he’s having a bad day even though he’s calling us crackers it’s not us per se it’s more society as a whole then he has difficulty with and we need to understand that shit was unbelievable crackers crack ass finger right my shit was ridiculous that’s funny when someone gets racial with you and your white cuz you’re not allowed to get racial back it’s against the rules you can’t do the shit so it’s like awkward it’s like the other dudes going I taco you white boy like jerk well you can’t do it cuz it’s seconding a ratio when you’re white then all of a sudden they wheel out that podium they have like the press conference you know I mean you gotta be standing on I disgraced the company I’d like to apologize all the members of my family I just like to stay for the record there was no air conditioning on the subway I wasn’t thinking clearly I took some cold medications I just like to apologize I had nothing against Mexicans I went to Tijuana I had a great time please I need this job yes you know why – nothing just he up he just up there begging haha please I got a mortgage that’s all Star Wars white dudes we get uptight sometimes man we get nervous in those situations because with English Language political correctness you’re not even trying to say some shit that podium can come out of nowhere you’re not even treated like anything and getting a shirt now what’s sure another black shirt what the did you say I said black shirt I should have said african-american shirt and college eyes I meant no offense to anybody please I’m already two months behind on my rent please don’t do this oh they got me never see that like the dude is always like the white dude behind the podium always six he’s got to get his job back to this what kills me shit is over if you’re white in a second you get behind that podium the shit is over whether you did it or not white people done so much evil shit somebody’s got to go down once every six months the Machine gotta eat one white dude spit him up well he did the shit or not so it’s just like they would stop Bryan just pack your shit up disassemble your cubicle cuz you’re going home grow moustache come back in six months maybe we can work it we can work it back through have you ever seen that shit though never feel detention when somebody white like I tell you what so it’s always awkward did you guys watch out Venus and Serina play each other in the US Open a couple months back you know what’s funny about that shit anytime like black people do some new shit white people always got to talk about it and no matter how hard they try it is like complement that always comes off as up you know it’s kinda like I don’t know I don’t know about that what the did he mean like you know I realized watching that shit it’s really difficult but somebody white to say somebody black is intelligent without a coming off like well why did he didn’t say Andre Agassi was intelligent while Sony’s to saying this shit now go say NOLA watching that’s what I got Dick Enberg says if she’s watching it great game all he’s gonna do is you shut the up say this form in get out you still got your job everything’s cool then all of a sudden in the middle of it all this and he just goes no reason Cisco yeah Venus and Serena they’re two very bright young ladies and you literally feel the other two white dudes in the booth just me like all right buddy you’re on your own whatever I want no part of that they’re like dusting off the podium Dick Enberg like oh shit so I’m gonna go to commercial why did I start this they said they’re going yard you could sit down with them and have a conversation about a wide variety of topics please go to commercial let’s just wait for the guy to be like you could be doing a crossword puzzle and maybe Serena could help with number eight so it’s like what are you talking about dick just say the score I got a you’re gonna believe this week I’m actually psyched to be down and had such a stressful week my grandmother was uh what are you guys checking about okay what are you talking about Latter Day jesus christ this guys talking about me what are you talking about oh you saved him he had nothing why do you guys have matching his and her earrings that’s kind of bizarre like the same I like those things together later brigade pirates oh I’m just go to you relax some 43 year old guy in a checkered shirt that come jumping up on the stage what do you know what I do with that when I it’s gonna jump up here throwing his back and then sue he provoked it Your Honor are those all on volt pen stop and know I had to defend my arm and one of those lawsuits about nothing yes I man this isn’t shit I was dealing with before it came down to talk about stress and my grandmother stand on me 95 years old coming it yeah 95 still going you get that old man you stop becoming like a kid again can’t do shit she was driving me nuts all week I’d be sitting there in silence and I just knew that voice was coming from into the other hey does this sink work uh yeah grandma you just got to turn the faucet on okay ten minutes left ah what Isis toaster work it just got a press it down brim okay tension is building say ah shut the up ah maybe these got and on you want it to work you flip it on so shit got real 10 stolen towards the aisle because wanted she want to meet girlfriend my girlfriend’s black grandmother’s white obviously I don’t realize my grandma is like she’s old-school white I didn’t write but I kind of forgot she was like born in 1907 you know say something guys do you’re gay no big deal yeah should be era shit I showed her the picture my Gavin got me that’s a picture isn’t she cute and she just goes and like what wasn’t that and she just didn’t say nothing I swear to God and then like two hours later she’s sitting on the couch it’s like bugging her and she’s just like you know I’ve died I could never live with Yogi’s your views on the world or just I don’t know she’s like beating around the bush like cuz she’s a Republican I’m like what you know I don’t like Bill Clinton george bush’s at it she’s like you know but what is on one of my girl she’s like yeah that’s what I you know exactly what I’m talking about Mike what’s the it’s 2002 there’s no problem with that shit not she’s like ah yeah it’s not right like Oh what’s wrong with ya you gotta have all kinds of problems I’m like what kind of problem I gonna have all you’ll see like saying all this ominous shit I’m like what do you mean I’ll see you’re gonna have problems about the only problem gonna have is people like you being a pain in what other problem would I have yeah you’ll see she couldn’t come up with any shit so then she went down a meter and she was rude and kill me my girl she went to college my grandma’s never even been to college grew up on a farm no Sam she’s looking I couldn’t believe I couldn’t believe it I couldn’t believe this should I look at my grandmother totally different now she has to be this cute old lady to sitting there making like cookies a let’s drop a chip cookie I just don’t see that we you want some oatmeal 9 to seer want niggers yeah stay away from the Jews she’s not she don’t like anybody you.
Know she really I already knew she hates Japanese people she can’t stand him does she looked through Pearl Harbor she doesn’t trust a man she really has issues with Japanese people now to finish it was 50 years ago she can’t stand him she’s always glaring at him and shit oh my girl what’s wrong ja they’re always taking pictures like they’re these bunch of spies so I don’t know man that really freaked me out guess I don’t know I guess that’s where it’s gonna be so yeah she’ll be dead soon okay well you know to me I don’t mean that like I wanted to die I’m just saying like I ain’t gonna change are you 95 and thinking that shit is Christ people it’s the Late Show I’m opening up to you ok so anyways you know what I went what’s that what is that dude is a driver oh man this is bullshit Thanks what is bullshit what those who doesn’t understand you’re doing a character thinks that I’m saying that shit was my grandmother saying that shit sell this is creative huh change the subject it’s my act I’ll talk about him I’m talking about like I’m a jukebox or something.
Up here hey it’s really irritating cuz I was about.
Ready to change the subject now I feel like I can’t Day Saints jesus christ see it’s all selling that urine all day this face is just song rocky wouldn’t say any shit like that time is flying right here on ahead.
Ignoring the people to the right just flying ahead getting to my own comedy zone blocking it out I was watching out the Oprah Winfrey Show the other night is this subject okay with you I’m just going to clear every subject who viewed for the rest of the way these subject is okay this one is not listen come on P and beat the shit on me that’s difficult thing to when a woman comes at you that’s a up situation when a woman comes on swine why is it why isn’t it huh what happened it was all peace and love oh the knock her out that shit never works oh I thought the work that it’s I’m telling you that situation it’s like Chris a night it’s a comedy show right it was a comedy show all of a sudden the crowd is heckling itself yo you tell table 20 to the table 26 says shut the up I don’t know what’s going on I didn’t want to be like this didn’t want it to be like this I just want to tell some jokes make money have a good time even cheesesteak a little bit leg that’s all I want all want I wasn’t trying to stir any shit up I have no problems with DJ why we are the world some sort of some shit break out some holy water something good God Almighty it’s always the Late Show it’s always a stage helps people get a little just crazy anywho so I’m watching The Oprah Winfrey Show I like watching that show because I like watching a guest cuz if you’re guessing idiots your kills I want that show every night Oprah is examining marriages and she’s never been married no one ever brings that shit up they just listen to her nowhere no goes wait a second Oprah you’ve never been married you’re what the you’re talking about what kills me is the guy is always wrong every time the examiner with it mathematically that doesn’t work out at least once the dude has to be right in army never the woman is always like totally innocent like I was just trying to make him some chocolate chip cookies and he didn’t think there was enough chocolate chips in the cookies so we started beating me with the cooking pan it was horrible the guys like always the biggest more never would it was cookie you did not talk Jeff look I’m not saying guys aren’t jerks I’m a good example of it women can be jerks to like a no Cooper women I was one of them to expose with those 24 25 year old gorgeous women who hook up and marry like a 80 year old rich guy never seen that the billionaire like old dude walk around this young hottie now the girl just came out and just said look I you know what rich he’s gonna die whatever and I’m gonna make some money I wouldn’t have a problem with that but they always got a bull should be like no I love Apple who is nothing to do with the 60 million there’s just something about the way he drools in his bathrobe as he pushes the checkers belong it’s a great feeling like lady you’re humping him for his money see that song and never catch a dude doing okay if some 80 year old billion or billionaire old lady came walking on the street started hitting on me like grabbing my ass like a tour site hey you’re pretty fur money in the Navy or something I’m snake lady get away from me right you old you’re gross I’m sure you were the shit back in the 20s when you’re doing the Charleston make it bear in your bathtub but you were at least four decades beyond fuckable sit down and knit something funny have sex with somebody 50 years older than the only way you can do it you know what you got to do you got to put the will on the headboard so at any point when you start losing like your nerve you can just read some of the shit you’re gonna be getting like oh my god it’s disgusting I can’t believe I’m doing Oh a house in Miami no for some reason you can’t ever like bring up shit that women do because they always branch is like a woman-hater but they just go off on guys always have like moron guy dude they don’t listen they don’t do this they don’t do that know you can have a show about you know like what about women who like kind of faked a pregnancy and then say they need 500 bucks on abortion and then you find out lady you paid their phone bill and their rent anybody don’t ask anybody find out never do a show on aw hurtful my mom would never do something snow women who would do that know this like certain shit that like I got Top 10 beautiful women I’m always suspicious to them I don’t trust being for them you know why because I know this Top 100 beautiful women are only around when you have shit oh what the do you know you’re a woman you wouldn’t know I’m a guy I know I’m telling you when you’re broke I swear you can’t find a dutiful woman this trolls and midgets running around second you get some shit going on women you don’t women come out of nowhere like oh my god you’ll stop can you I’ve always loved you and the second you go broke oh my god I left something over here next to this guy who has this stuff now I’m not saying all women like that but there’s women like that I hope those women they stand at the finish line of a guy’s life they’re not there in the beginning when you got the futon and you’re trying to get your business going you know I’m saying does that do Kalu’s he could go out of business they don’t want to lose it they want a winner so stand they don’t give a which winner they just stand at the finish every dude running by it like a sucky did now this is where guys up is we should stay with the girl who was there for the futon cuz she loves you when you’re a loser but we don’t do that we up because it dicks like this one over six months later you’re doing a behind the music yeah you stone that house damn bitch took it from now you know I’m gonna do all this comedy shake now I’m gonna make my million I’m gonna come up with some sort piece of shit that I can sell late at night for like 1995 cuz people will buy anything like those Chicken Breast george foreman grills he sold as silly those Outdoor Grill george foreman is a boxer what the does he know about cooking nothing he’s always talking about all the grease and the saturated fats like George you’re fat maybe you’re not using it get on me people no it’s Indoor Outdoor george foreman he lost to Muhammad Ali and now he’s selling grills I’ll take one people will buy anything I’ll take the best scam I ever saw in my life if I see the one with a dude selling the quarters never seen that shit let’s do this selling quarters on Selleck what’s a quarter but the dude hikes it all up you know these are limited edition minted quarters we give you a book you can stick them in the book any stocks like Yelling’s manga this is unbelievable you get a book we’re gonna put a quarter in we’re gonna have another we’re gonna add another quarter this is unbelievable that’s two quarters and a book that’s a $0.50 value for only 1995 people we only have seven left though it’s got like the number in the corner that bogus numbers it’s like going down just to scare all the rednecks like holy shit you only got seven left let me get the card I’m gonna dial the number hurry this is what I’m gonna do I’m gonna write a relationship book that’s what I’m gonna do I’m not getting at you this one go I’m gonna cater it to women because I don’t think guys don’t buy relationship books you know if we don’t give a shit whatever so this is what you got I’m just gonna kiss woman’s ass it’s gonna be called women I absolutely right in Chapter one women of the shit chapter two guys idiots a they’ve just listen to women just the whole 450 pages just kissing woman’s ass then the back picture I’ll be a fiction me was sweater like the gayest look everything so I got me I don’t touch my feminine side and I’ll but you know enough women who buy that shit and take it home to their boyfriend see you say this is what I was talking about you see then all the millions I make from that I’m gonna go on get an island I meet some Booker’s and I’m just gonna stun y’all get them all tested I’m gonna start the hookers just having a great time against pizzas just having then I’ll take a picture myself humping the hookers and that’s gonna be the cover of next year’s book it’s gonna be cold ah ha you stupid bitches and then all the guys are I’m gonna take it on there girlfriend hey you got just mad because got you that’s all you know what that shit can actually work you get the you could make it as obvious but you know the connection yeah hookers I’ll talk about hookers shall we it’s late enough I never understood the whole there’s like a big thing like if you get a prostitute guys always give shit you know like didn’t you had to pay for it like there’s some big shame thing yeah pay for you paid for so thought I paid for this shirt what would you rather have a shirt or a blowjob no cuz you regretted shirt you will you’ll come home you’ll see you got a tee shirts in the closet like what the I got enough shirts you never regret a blowjob calling your friends dude you and leave said no the one thing that stops me at diseases if it wasn’t for diseases I’d be ordering hookers like dominoes why not my girl freed a big fight like out at four months ago she went out to a strip club right which you know I don’t mind you know she date me understand you got to do what you got to do a record I mean you need to close your eyes and give yourself some sort of bread in the sink I understand that shit I know my limitations so she came home right she was a little bit drunk and she told me she told me she touched one of the strippers dicks right she kind of put that in like the sandwich in the middle but some Amy how was your day by the way touch dick and then some shit over here right so like whoa wait a minute whoa back up a few sentences what do mean you touched a strippers dick just like what how did you touch it would you like graze against it with your shoulder I do would you poke at it how did don’t you poke it she’s like no I kind of come I kind of went like that fucka didn’t touch it you stroked it now we got in this huge fight about what a stroke was just like no a stroke is down and then back up again I’m like yeah but that’s a stripper stick that’s twice big as mine so once down is equal to down and then back up again on me so I had her once in my life I’m in an arguing with the woman I’m a hundred percent the right and I still lost the fight you know why cuz she cried I had her on the ropes all of a sudden she started crying next II know I feel like a bully and now next thing you know I’m apologizing because she touched a dick genius and the thing was I wasn’t sorry I just wanted to stop crying because I felt like an I’ll tell what kill z2 is I’ve been totally faithful with this girl and there’s a girl around the corner I know wants to hook up with me and I stayed away in the second she said that shit I don’t know what happened I didn’t think it up here it came up here jump I should that girl next door I’m like Nana yeah I gotta watch out for my dick is it’s a visionary he always believed like yeah you can do it come on nobody’ll know do it I didn’t do you know what didn’t I probably should have but I didn’t hey what’s that hey I kind of messed it up on the mic stand why was I feel like some jerk-off joke oh you just like the most concerned person ever that guy is robbing an excuse me what’s wrong with your hair sir I hope everything is okay if there’s anything can I get you something there’s a pharmacy only a block away I got a computer man that’s like the biggest thing my life now I’m trying to get good at that shit I came up we just had like typewriters shit like that you know saying I’m like any idiot know eight years ago I was a semi intelligent person I’m like a moron it’s like got me button I hit on my computer has to like shut down restart you have again that should regroup somehow deal with my idiocy then it’s always like some eight year old kid and I’m like computer next to me he’s like breaking into the Pentagon downloading movies get a plane ticket for six bucks little you do that I’ll tell you the only thing I like about my computers I really enjoy spellcheck you know I like about snow you want about spellcheck you want to be close to getting the word right having a reception all you gotta do is just get it somewhere like within the ballpark of the word it’s almost like your computer I could just start guessing like a shit I don’t know uh dinosaur you know when you’re sitting like an idiot like none now was it trying to spell yong-su so now what is your computer do it starts throwing out like everyday word it can possibly think of like okay how about dictionary diary any of this shit looking familiar are we moving towards the goal are away from it you misspell a word so bad there your spell check has absolutely no clue with the bucket on his phone what do you end up getting I don’t get like your question mark you’ve got a million dollars worth of technology just looking back at you like this is like you got me buddy which is pretty amazing cuz I have all the words yeah and that doesn’t look like any of them I can’t even make a guess that’s so would you like pass out whack your head off the keyboard please tell me you’re not that stupid I am I’m the worst I was sick – I was sick all through September three weeks I was sick man I didn’t take any medicine though because I don’t trust the shit anymore I’m paranoid man I’ve noticed over the last Best Movies couple years any new medicine that the advertised on TV the last 20 seconds of commercials just totally psycho side effects – whatever they’re trying to advertise you notice that shit they always try to slide it in real quick – like it’s no big deal just like that cure – hey man give me these green then your ear falls off you can’t feel your feet and you won’t recognize your mother 40 of the people were bleeding from the ass and one guy thought he was a pigeon I’m not even exaggerating that bad I saw this shit the other night right it’s supposed to cure like stomach ass and in commercial the three side effects from migraine headaches Left Side abdominal pain and diarrhea who the hell would try that shit you basically try that shit you go for my one problem two three you’re just walking away like how’s your stomach ass never felt better no tyria is not a side effect that is a major goddamn problem all right we’re out from the evening is over how they’re actually people out there like I this little diary I don’t worry it’s gonna kind of slam my ass cheeks shut I’ll be all right actually diarrhea is the least of my problems at this point it’s helping to take my mind off the migraine headache and the nice thing Weeks Pregnant abdominal pain in my stomach good you don’t try anything that causes diarrhea is evil that is basically your body going you know what you have something so foul within your system we can’t wait for the normal process of elimination we have to get rid of that shit right now number dude I’m still in the bus it now you have some evil in yo ass and it has got to go immediately we must override all do not shit your pants systems because you sir have a storm Brewin harmonies pilfer you guys a lot I get my shit together man 36 I’m not married you know makes it’s met that a sure everybody knows getting married you know let me a question what a up people keep getting married you don’t mean isn’t anybody looking at the stats what’s it like half the marriages are going right down the shitter right people you were going skydiving and they told you 50 of this parachutes were can open be like yellow dad I’m not going I don’t like I got a 50 chance of flying on the ground I’m not doing it but there’s something about getting married people just have to do it they just like is this the line to lose half my shit so this is gonna be great I can’t wait to lose car my money this is gonna be a mate all look the line is moving one step closer to losing everything I’ve worked for no I just talked to Mary guys and they scare me any time yes a married guy what’s it like being married they always tell you it’s good but they have a look on their face like they have like an appendicitis so it’s confusing like no what’s it like being married okay that’s good no good it’s a you know it’s a lot of work but I yeah that’s good to you know when you meet that special someone it’s definitely and I can’t feel my legs it’s enjoyable you could get this picture battle very dudes apathetic merry guys whisper in their own house yelling or says shit their own how they paid for half of it right and they whisper tot normal until you ask them to do some fun shit you don’t need the has it go yeah what’s up you know all that shit hey you want go to the Knicks game on Tuesday yeah okay but just kind of answer it that’s what all becomes you’re terrified to get your woman in a bad mood because you know what’s she’s gonna cut off the sex that’s what they do to have some shit they never talk about on Oprah right there was always exposed guys for the assholes that we are but they never talk about that shit that’s how they were on the relationship they ration out the pussy you stay in duration shit long enough guaranteed sex will become like a reward you know I mean like it took out the trash here a good blood training it like a goddamn seal terrorist hold the pussy hostage exactly what they’re doing but I’m like this country I do not respond to terrorist threats I’ll run one out a minute you take out the goddamn trash you are useless to me for the next 12 minutes I’m into bubble baby because of that 3 minutes of material I never get laid after my show right there is the Crossword Clue exact opposite thing I’m supposed to be doing up here people close up here kissing women’s asses you know like most comics getting picked on give it up for the ladies don’t babies the five tonight ladies give it up for yourself so coming after this club looking so fine making this finance club Lena – that so anybody update this girl right it’s girls like really it’s like women’s issues so she gets me this book on women’s lib right now I’m reading this shit right it’s really interesting I think women’s lib was a great thing definitely necessary that was totally cool back in the 70s yo I gotta make over the last Protection Calculation couple years I think that women’s movement is starting to more from the kind of like that reverse kind of pimping kind of thing you know so every time you see women on TV they say all we want is to be treated exactly like guys which sounds cool but if you listen to them don’t they only want the good shit of being a guy given our asset that sherry Picard then look at a guy’s life it’s like a buffet like you just can start picking out shit like same amount an hour we’ll take some of that paste for the movie that you can keep that one I like that I like that one at all this is nice yucky that’s icky come on baby can’t shoes this girl gave me shit one night she goes why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job I go I’ll tell you why because in the unlikely event that we’re both on a Titanic and it starts to sink for some fucked-up reason you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay that’s why I get this olive or no if there’s a Woman Dies house fire it’s always women and children first I got to stand there with like the back of my shirt on fire let’s go people let’s go so that’s how I look at know it’s a dollar an hour surcharge then if some up happens either I can’t leave or I gonna like get in the way of it to give you a head start you know like rabid dog run one-mississippi two-mississippi you hear a bump in the night I gotta go check it out like yes he does have a knife anytime there’s a hostage situation who didn’t ago she ate four first well let’s let women the children go what about fake you think I want to stay in the vault but those 20 other sweaty guys praying to God and I’m not the hostage who gets dragged out in front of the bank by that psycho as he starts asking the cops for a helicopter then I know he’s not going to get right they never get the helicopter so now I got try to convince this guy oh it’s like a 38 to my head going dude that’s for a rent-a-car I think they’ll go for a rent-a-cop see what I’m saying where are all those feminists in those situations you can’t find them there are no feminists in a Man Dies house fire that’s a guarantee you can take the most hardcore feminists right some chick right in your face you show me a sign of events you know those short little haircut the whole nine yards right second those flames break out she’s going to twist those little hairs in the pigtail through it just the girl I want to go big jump rope and leave you standing in a burning house like you’re not flammable people I’m not a dick though no I’m not saying I think a woman should make $1 an hour to do the same job I think that’s up all I’m saying is if you’re gonna make what I make when the boat sinks you better be standing right there next to me listen to that guy play the cello then you get the corner office I don’t get that shit why do drowning sucks equally for man a woman that’s just some horrific shit you know my dick isn’t like a periscope that I can stick up under the water as I start going down you guys like that movie the Titanic did you find it romantic a Davis ghost she thought was romantic that’s it really pissed me off they’re an amazing movie don’t you think now it’s a horror film she’s like why I’m like why cuz all the guys died see you’re watching the shit goin who would I be in that situation you mean that chick floating away in the big piece of luggage I’m watching it on who would I be Ivey that dude with like the boat breaks in half that do to like fall straight down and banks off the shit and goes into the water that’s a white Beach I’d be wearing a tuxedo not because I wanted to but you wanted to dress up that night right and I just befallen the whole way down I should have that chicken first class so I go on the internet what that’s how I fill my evenings when I’m on the road I like on the internet man I going to give you the shit you ever rode like a chatroom whatever people are talking about you ever go in there and just start with the people in the chatroom do that just pick a couple of people whatever they say you try to say the Side World exact opposite shit and just try to see you like how many people you can like piss off and get to right back to you in like Full Stops capital letters so like you know they’re yelling at you like don’t do shut the up oh great what are the easiest things to do especially now like all this politics in the air just going to any plan you pull up politicians website and just start talking shit about the candidate now I go into a John Kerry web site and say let’s also say I got like a wooden Indian holding cigars hummert’s rainbows well go ahead and High School george bush you need anyone with him going I went in there the other night right like runs down Bush in there talking about how gradient so I just leave this big ridiculous post like leave Saddam alone I got like 30 emails lucky at the out of the country a liberal son of a bitches pussies like oh you just can get them going I just got one well you don’t think he said oh that’s what I love about the Internet under stuff I can just piss off some to the middle of nowhere you know he’s taking it all serious like pacing in front of his computer he’s in his underwear drooling straining his index fingers said I’ll tell you something else man that’s a lot of racists on the internet you ever notice that shit I swear to god man I don’t give a shit what chap maybe going to somebody’s writing something up know you mean like the most basic chat when like well you like better peas or Karen some are like black should go back to Africa ah all this crazy shit then people start arguing with each other right I saw this black and this like – killing each the other night right the black dude right sigh you white guys are just mad because the black guys are out there all the white women right penny rights and you know it’s true and he wrote it in Hailee Steinfeld capital letters he underlined the shit and he had like exclamation points at the end of it so evidently not only was this guy yelling he must have been like standing on his computer chair pointing at the screen and you know it’s true so then the white to Rice Magnus I got is bullshit you just all the fat white ones who are on welfare right I’ll shut up you’re politically correct assholes you all would have laughed at that shit if you will home alone by yourself up groaning because you see some black people here y’all would have left you want to download it you would put it on your refrigerator you bunch of Jean Oh anyway so then this white girl writes in right she’s like that’s not true she’s like I’m 5 foot 2 white I’m gorgeous and I only have sex with black guys because I can’t deal with white guys with their bigotry and racism right so I to email this girl back right I’ll just like yeah lady I just want to make sure you didn’t like dislocate your elbow when you were like patting yourself on the back with that look what a great person I am self-serving horseshit email you just sent you know I mean cuz that is bullshit body your time like a social like a political opinion and to who you like the your army how do you make those two things come together like what was this really realistically supposed to say it were like good luck with your continued fight against racism as you ride black yes I only have sex with Puerto Rican girls because I am sick of world hunger oh you see that I’m not like you guys I get involved I cannot sit back and do nothing that’s what I do anytime I see a problem I pick a race of women I start them until the problem goes away because I give a shit every poem chemist people in fact until they fix that hole in the ozone layer it’s strictly Asians I’m going to Chinatown I’m gonna start banging away as I care about the environment people it’s not about me and an asian fetish it’s not that shit it’s not the environment I’m worried about the spotted owl I have a cause with my sexual activity I have seen this girl right it’s black girl lives up in Harlem the gun out was like three four times all right first couple times you hung out down the village which is sort of a Recent Trend racially mixed area and then we hung out but then we had a hug you guys cheer for the oddest shit down it’s just weird I was walking down the street but the street I’ve done that shit laughs right just keep walking it’s awesome I can relate to you so second time we hung out we hung out like Midtown right you know sort of racially mixed Princess Diaries third time Driving Test third time right Giving Birth third times she calls me she wants me she wants me cuz she calls me like 3:30 in the morning she wants me to go up to her apartment right so it’s 3:30 in the morning she lives in Harlem I look how I look so it’s a situation cuz I don’t know if you guys know the deal basically a white dude in New York feels comfortable up to about 98 99 Street right second the streets start getting into like triple digits you know all the sudden start having like difficulty breathing hundred first Street get a little asthma like though looks good shut it a little tight you know that tightness 106 treat you like leaning on shit dude where’d all the cats go lets up there’s no taxis I don’t like this shit so she tells me on the uptown two three subway right and I’m praying to God that she’s going to tell me get off like 103rd Street which is basically the first step into Harlem you know the first stop where I can still look over my shoulder and like see the white people like disappearing over the horizon you know so I’m praying for a hundred third Street but she goes you want to get off at 126 feet my god 45th Street Brand New jesus christ that’s like right in the middle of everything don’t be surrounded on all four sides I can’t do this so at this point I’m really trying to hide like the bitchy tone that’s starting to creep into my so I just start asking like really specific directions for when I get off the train cuz I’m gonna know like exactly where I’m going when I get off the train I don’t be you know taking any wrong turns meeting people going after parties that I’m gonna go for the train tour partner right sorry when I get off the train don’t go right do I go left what am I doing she’s like all right when you get I’m training with her right and she starts giving me directions right and every street she’s naming up there’s like named after like a black leader you know she’s like make a left on Adam Clayton take a writer Frederick Douglass oh my god in a plate you’ll do go on the internet with a pen clang did he kill a bunch of white people during a slave revolt I can’t do this ain’t going after 20 no a templated Buckton check so at this point I’m really having a battle with myself cuz I’m thinking I can’t do this you know I’m like I can’t do this but my decks gone oh come on man we can do just pull yourself together and get on the goddamn train right so as always I listen to my dick right oh yeah so I get on the train by the time I get up there it’s like five before in the morning right I’m standing on like Malcolm X and like Danny Glover or some shit right I don’t even know where the hell I’m at just trying to figure out where I’m going so I see the street I want to go up Hornet lobe Saint Nick right I can literally see your apartment building but there’s like five or six black dudes standing right on the corner right where I want to walk by from like this point I felt like I was on like some sort of reality show like some sort of white guy survivor you know it’s just one obstacle after another so I’m like I Lonesome Valley gotta walk by this guy there’s nothing I can do it just I Lonesome Highway gotta walk right by these guys and I was scared shitless but you know what I’d actually I think that they were a little more surprised to see me then I was scared you know and make no mistake I was really scared but I’m also really white like shockingly Caucasian and I mean not seriously like if you’re not ready for it I can surprise you you’re not prepared like when I come walking around the corner it’s almost magical like a leprechaun showing up a some shit I should have had like a little pot of gold and like a rainbow mehandi pumping a moat into your acne I let some eyes bilberry you guys a lot of fun thank you very much