don’t get weird I know it’s weird right now but I’m not dead here I’m telling the story all right you can unclick your bot holes this isn’t Movies List ghost comedy how you doing ladies can I interest you in this is not I’m your host Roy Wood jr. Roy I did it.
How’s the water on does it feel I live in New York City I’ve been there for ten years originally I’m from Denver I grew up in Aurora yeah people stopped cheering after you say that but for five years I lived in High School tucson arizona which it’s reasoner’s won applause that that’s a real nice group there are good people in Tucson but I found most of them to be angry son Bert white people just walking around like all these Mexicans do it thank you but they’re supposed to be.
Here you’re not that’s why you’re burnt all the time go back to the Great Lakes and eat curdled cheese’s it’s what us paints do best when I lived in Tucson I went to school there but I also lived with a drug dealer which I can’t recommend enough if you do drugs if you do drugs live with a drug dealer it’s like living at Costco it’s just free samples every day and then Costco gets robbed then you’re like you know I don’t think I should have a Costco is a bad idea I really got my life together at this point but when I moved to Tucson my first and best friend that I made there was a guy named Amir who was an Israeli kid from Long Island and yeah I don’t know if that’s true Israeli or Long Island but keep it moving forward those are two you know but Amir was the first real person I met from Long Island and he was very Long Island he was very like a brawl like everything that just existed as a sentence filler like yam brawl he would do these things that certain people in Long Island do that there are questioned statements so he says his statement but it’s framed like a question so he’d come in the living room and be like yo these Nikes al right yes I don’t know if that’s the desired response Aamir was very good at selling weed he was very good at it was a natural habit that he just picked up and ran with freshman year started it you know 20 bags and then eights and then sophomore year it was like quarters and half ounces then I moved in with him and it went to like ounces two quarter pounds you know that our lease ran up but the furniture was getting good so I you know released I was like yeah let’s keep going with this he started getting to like pounds and then you know he got a 10 Gallon fish tank hey drug dealers stop with the Air Pump fish tanks it’s happy now it’s also stupid you’re gonna have a flood care about your other possessions please sorry I’m really hyped up about this as you could tell but I didn’t have to sell drugs I just smoked his weed and looked at his 55 Gallon fish tank so it was a pretty good deal one day I’m going to do laundry I’m a broke college student I have six loads of laundry in six plastic bags like I’m moving out of a girlfriend’s house who has a drug problem it’s like I’m serious Donna I am gone now but I fill up my car I go to the bank and I turned ten dollars into ten dollars and quarters at the time I’m wearing Ralph Lauren cargo shorts a liquor t-shirt and a swimsuit is underwear because it was laundry day I’m not that giant of a piece of her I’m just like Rock take shower with on washes it it’s pretty much yeah takes care of itself so I go and I change 10 dollars into five dollars and quarters which I put on my right leg and five dollars in quarters that I put on my left leg so when I walk around it makes a noise like I sound like the shittiest sheriff in the West it’s like pearl blitz is awful it was awful so I have my pocket to change I get to my car and a mirror calls me and he’s like yeah we’re getting robbed and like I don’t is that a question or a statement you got to tell me right now cuz this is very he’s like y’all’s gonna do a deal and these guys came by and you know I think they’re trying to rob me so you know I called off the deal all right he’s like well you drive around the neighborhood and see if they’re there or not sure whatever I’m driving a 1996 Timing Belt dodge stratus it’s a real hunk of so I probably just look like feds to them but I do a lap I don’t see anybody so I pull into our carport that’s under our apartment and standing there when I get out of car the first guys this six foot four piece of Redneck Piece white trash like you gotta understand something me when I was a little kid my dad moved to this town in Northern California that grows like the biggest pieces of white so at 33 I like to fancy myself a little bit of a Chex Mix white trash sommelier and this guy was a top-shelf piece of yeah he was covered in tattoos that I can only describe as Mountain Dew tattoos the same way an adult would like drink a whole can of Mountain Dew would be like what fire balls on my elbows that doesn’t sound right but sure and standing with them is this five foot four Southside Tucson cholo in blood out like what’s the white boy that like oh hi they’re standing there and I get out and the little cholos like ain’t my tommy green live here I’m like that’s a terrible thing and now I rob a drug dealer change up the even if there’s ramen a coke dealer he’s like a mark below here clearly a synonym for what you’re trying to get from but I’m like no it’s here so he leave they both of them walk off I go upstairs and the mirrors there and he’s like y’all did you see anybody I told him like yeah it’s big piece of Fast Food white trash little and blood out and he’s like yeah he’s like yeah y’all those are the guys and I’m like oh well they’re gone they left we look out we don’t see them so you know we do it drug dealers and their roommates do and we smoke weed and play safe I’m about to smoke a cigarette and I grabbed the Fishing Pole barbecue lighter that I used to smoke cigarettes because I’m a little bit of garbage myself Amir gets a call and he’s like y’all the deals back on they want to do the deal for five pounds but they’re gonna do it what I’m gonna do is I’m a walk to the street and then get in a car and I’m like okay he’s like yo will you walk near the car and I’m very high and on weed and victories of Madden if a mirror watches this you knows I’m telling the truth I ran that but he’s like yeah will you walk me to the car you’re gonna smoke a cigarette and I’m like all right and then as I go to the door he goes y’all get the gun now if you’ve lived in Arizona you know how insanely easy it is to get a handgun it’s like buying socks you just walk in a gun and they’re like here’s your dog look it’s pretty dangerous but I was with a mirror and we went to a gun show and I’m not joking the first thing he said to the first gun dealer he met was yeah what she cheap his gun like that’s not what I want to hear as the person that lives next to you and knows you’re buying this for self-defense what he did is he did buy the cheapest gun possible it had a metal slide but a plastic handle he bought a plastic gun by the way we took it to the range it never shot straight the bullet always bent like some trick shot in an action movie so mirrors like y’all get the gun and I tell him like I’m not using that thing and he goes and then with this like aggressive Long Island energy he’s like y’all you pick like he was mad at me he’s mad at me for questioning why I want to bring a gun through a drug deal and he’s like y’all you dumbass what’ll happen is if they got a knife and you show them the gun then they’re not gonna be scared they’re gonna leave and for some reason I believe that rock-paper-scissors correct so I put the gun in my American Eagle cargo shorts I grabbed the camera light in the Fluid Zippo barbecue lighter my mirror has an athletic bag full of five pounds he walks out in front of me now I have $10 and quarters on me you can hear me coming from a mile when walk I sound like a knight and shitty chainmail so we start walking down the stairs right we’ll get to the bottom of the stairs mountain dew tattoos comes around gun drawn gets to a mirror the tiny vato comes right up the stairs dawn on my chest like perfectly right on my chest don’t get weird I know it’s weird right now but I’m not dead here I’m telling the story all right you can unclench your buttholes this isn’t Movies Bollywood ghost comedy Roy didn’t come up here in that loud-ass jacket like the other side so I got a 45 pointing right in the middle of my chest and I’m a child of the 80s I grew up with Schwarzenegger movies in Stallone movies and always in those action movies when a bad guy pulls out a gun on the hero they always say some cool like you better use that turns out don’t I get very polite if you put a gun on my customer service voice would you mind filling out a brief survey and as I do that I lift my hands up I’ve already blown the rules apparently of a robbery because this guy’s furious that my hands are up he’s like put your hands up what you I’m like all right and he grabs that he when I did that I lifted my shirt high enough that he saw the handle of the gun so he takes the gun off of my waistband and he’s like go back inside yeah and I’m standing on this second floor of this apartment looking out over my stairwell like I didn’t really know my dad that well he could be part flying nothing great if I took off and just drifted away he’s like the white boys are flying now but it’s like turn around go back inside of my all right and I turn around and as I do he takes my the gun that he took off me and hits me in the back of the head now I’m very lucky to have a minor role on the Showtime show billions but the best piece of acting I’ve ever done in my life is getting hit in the head by a 5 foot 3 dude holding a plastic gun.
swing it like a Norwegian God swings a hammer so I go to the ground and immediately right when I go to the ground you know he puts me he’s zip ties pulls out zip ties he zip ties my arms behind my back he duct-taped my legs together and then he pulls out an army duffel bag and just starts ransacking our apartment if I could Yelp a robbery five stars type rata sum material he was prompt he was direct he had clearly done this before mr. mark of a true professional he starts robbing he goes around our house he grabs everything is then he starts taking his 45 and coming over to my head and he starts going where’s the Hitman Blood money white boy the creepiest laugh at point that sinister ass laugh from first off from telling the story you know I don’t trust anyone behind me like an old mafia boss I don’t like anyone sitting behind me been here boy hahahaha of course you were scared you felt your life leaning from you he takes the 45 and he keeps going up to me and he keeps like pushing it on my temple goal was the Air Jordan money white boy was the Jordan 4 money white but now I’m fine being called white boy I’ve been called white boy my whole life the only time it’s things is when I know for a fact I’m a foot taller than you he’s like where’s the Rose Year money white boy my package so dunk.
So I keeps going where’s the money when go I don’t know I don’t know and noticed I start getting this like my tone goes from scared like bitchy with the morning with I don’t know I don’t and real ad at a restaurant like I ordered that diet coke ten minutes ago I think that’s my one critique of black comedians who do impressions of white people is they always make us so corny and over enunciate they really miss the us in our voice when we feel like we’ve been over here man I need speak to someone that’s like whoo that is angry pink right there I’m yelling at this guy like we’ve been dating for 15 years he’s like where’s the money why point like I don’t know but we’re supposed to be at my sister’s in a half-hour so he takes my keys and he takes my wallet and the wallet that I had at that time a girlfriend had bought me pulp fiction’s one of my favorite movies of all time and yeah my girlfriend bought me the bad wallet and then I ran into a bad and that is how you define irony is when someone takes a joke wallet off you that’s supposed to be interpreted as badass this guy was like oh this guy’s sucks to be in a band he takes my keys he said don’t move and he goes downstairs and I hear him start my car and if you drive a piece of you always kind of wanted to get taken like he I heard him start that car and I was like yeah Toyota Tacoma or two-seater I’m already thinking about the truck I’m gonna buy it’s perfect for the desert it’s affordable and I looked at the Kelly Blue Book right in my range it comes back upstairs it goes you move again white boy imma kill you I’m like alright I’m sitting here he goes downstairs I hear them turning the car into reverse and I hear him pull away and immediately think did you rob me or did I rob you and then I realize I’m wearing swimsuit his underpants and he just took all my laundry and I was like I think you just robbed me I’m gonna have to wear these for the foreseeable future I count to about 3035 and then I just pure adrenaline break the plastic restraints hop over to the door lock it and light up that camel light cuz there’s not a better cigarette than after you’ve had a gun pointed at you oh that’s flavor country as I light up that cigarette I see my cell phone it’s a flip phone cuz 2004 it’s its dancing sick pant yeah and I don’t know the number and I pick up and all I hear is y’all are you dead yeah mirror there’s good Gps Tracking cell phone reception in heaven he’s like yeah that guy came around the corner I just got rid of the bag and I jumped and ran around the corner where are you I’m like on our apartment I explained like the guy took our car we have to call the cops because he’s got my car and I got to report this car stolen if I’m gonna get that two-seater we come back we cleared the drugs out of the apartment I call the cops they take down a report all this two weeks later I’m at a bar in Elementary School tucson arizona and I get a call on my Customer Service cell phone like mr. soda it’s the Tucson Police Department we have found your 1996 Water Pump dodge stratus I don’t think my response was supposed to be eight he waits a second he goes mr. Russell you’re in the police port says your uh sister wallet was stolen can you describe it for me yeah it’s the ones this bad on it and the caponata means to beat this goes well clearly you’ve met a hopper an open-mic her help makes that kind of an inappropriate joke to a robbery victim but alright I think that’s the thing man like you know I’ve told the story several times my friends and there’s always this part where I have to explain that comedians we use our sense of humor is like a self defense mechanism which up happens to us we try to make ourselves laugh and that just kind of makes it I’ve made myself laugh during the robbery and all my friends were like yeah you should get checked that’s up but what happened was during the robbery when he had the 45 on my head and he kept going where’s the 4 Retro money white boy where’s the Nike Air money white boy I was like I don’t know and finally goes where’s your Year 2 money white boy I don’t have any I’m broke his cuz I was he hears that he goes I find more than a dollar on you I’m gonna kill you to which my response was dis change count you might never seen an angry or criminal then someone waiting around pockets full of change searching for a lost dollar the anger on his face like I was just some disappointing white pinata look like this guy sucks alright you guys a lot of fun