Wow I’m taping for a CD all week and it.
It’s already apparent this night isn’t going to be the keeper how are you guys it’s a thirty days since the um month and I oh whatever since the terrorist act Intercontinental Airport george bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and go back to doing what we used to do so I’ve gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft headed tip and a danger to all of us I’m doing it for America and the Yankees again I’ve gone back to drinking I took a couple of days off in the memory of our fallen heroes and plus I had the flu no never drink so much that your liver hurts to the touch oh you have to actually go up a pant size to accommodate for the bloated organ that I’m afraid to take a dump for fear of pass in my own liver like a stillborn I see it dangling out of me like a gray flesh yo-yo recoiling from the cold water beneath fortunately the beef and cheese road diet I’ve been on for the last six weeks I don’t think I’ll be taking a dump for another three months it’s like a waiting list in my colon at this point I don’t know gonna have to get in there with a Android Studio butter knife and start myself like a ketchup bottle or something a couple of you big burly guys to get on the other end grab it by the neck and pull or something I’m starting to panic alcohol is an evil drug I yeah it is I’ve been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less and I feel much better I’m dead serious it DUI point oh eight here yet it’s who’s too drunk to drive at 0.08 no person one like an 80-pound nitwit and a Rexach sorority girl sniffs a shot of Jagermeister fucks half the team and drives into a mall ruins it for can’t just put blanket laws like that down 0.0 dick makes you necessarily drunk it’s an individual thing DUI I’d rather be behind any of you thick neck beer drinker you know drunks that I know that then I’d want to be driving behind rather be driving with you blown a point 1 6 then I’d want to be driving with the stone sober 103 year old Civil War veteran who hasn’t had a cocktail since nineteen prohibition oh and it’s just a matter of reflexes I watch grandpa he couldn’t get his coffee to his lips at breakfast would put him on the side of the road next to me doing DUI tests and it’s just a matter of who’s most you know put him there me shit-faced and you at your just old with your artificial hip and your wandering glaucoma eyes and when you fall and smash your pelvis we both drive home scot-free cuz it’s a bullshit double standard it’s just a matter of who’s able to drive you your shitty kids in a car jumping around like chimpanzees chucking toys at each other that’s just distracting as my three shots in a beer what about that you’re a bitchy wife or a husband sitting in the passenger seat next I’m tired just cuz don’t single out alcohol just cuz it doesn’t fit into the gallant column of the church pamphlet know you think it’s hilarious when grandpa drives I grandpa’s 171 years old and he drives every day to what he thinks is the store so he plows through a red light cuz swears he saw Jesus beckoning him home he plows into me driving perfectly at point-o nine on my way to the party and today the headline reads drunk driver kills war hero what and everyone believes it we got to do more about these drunk drivers killing our warrior will make it point o negative one if you even thought about having a beer you’re good you even have a 30-day chip on your keyring you’re going to jail I’m a drunk I’m good at it where’s my individual rights I should be able to take a drunk Book Practical driving test where if I can pass my Study Guide driving test at 0.15 I get a driver’s license it says I’m okay to drive up until 0.15 individuals just like your corrective lenses I got a negative two to five contact lens it doesn’t mean all ishes society should be wearing spectacles because I have bad genes Mothers Against Drunk drivers those propaganda whores what incredible liars just full of shit secrecy a Health Class drunk goggles promotion anyone I’m serious they take these they mad does these promotions where they go to like schools shit and they have these Fatal Vision drunk goggles they call them look then you put them on and they’re like safety goggles but they completely distort your perception so here you’re stumbling all over the place they go this and they put them on kids they go this is what it’s like after drinking just two beers and you put them on and you’re walking in the walls and your goal holy shit where do you drink this is absolute bullshit this is not true at all that’s what your perception is like when you finally grow up and realize that half of everything they’ve ever taught you your whole life is bullshit I guess Santa Claus is watching me you can’t print it if it’s not true I’ll use algebra in real life Columbus was a hero crops are my friend leads to heroin oh god it’s like drinking two beers I can barely stand up Thanks they’ve been the same shit with drugs – no never differentiate between drugs users and drug addicts if you do drugs at all you know you’re a pothead or a cokehead they don’t I’ve done most drugs there are socially under better privative done coke you know three or four times a year I probably done it 40 times in my life I never had a problem with it but the way it’s hammered in your head I even see my own friends sniffling and I’m hiding my stereo equipment and shit I’m hoping a laugh stop check don’t bounce like what I do the same shit it’s not a problem you can be good at it here about the media and more San Antonio high Basketball Shoes school kids are doing drugs who better to do drugs than Football Schedule high Bonus 2017 school kids what are you gonna up that badly when you’re 17 that you can’t bounce right back from what you’re gonna get an F who gives a shit you’re not gonna forget your kids at daycare and below all your mortgage money shake the baby whoo all that shit when you’re young and you can afford to miss then you can make your own educated judgment eventually you get older you got shit to do I gotta move my car on street-sweeping day I don’t have time to around much as I used to like I tell kids not to Legal Age smoke cigarettes cuz I Gta 5 smoke cigarettes and I smoke almost three packs of cigarettes a day and it’s bad for me but I know people who can smoke three cigarettes a week and it’s not a problem I hate those people but they shouldn’t suffer my I think the Lung Association causes more cancer than they cure I think they’re more of a problem than anything I’m serious when you consider I mean if you accept that the mind has the power to heal which is pretty widely accepted then conversely the mind would have the power to make ill if you think you’re gonna get sick and you truly believe it chances are you’re gonna get sick and you can’t not think you’re gonna get sick smoking cigarettes when every billboard on the highway and every third page in a magazine every TV commercial is something I can see hags smoking through a hole in her neck you can’t help but think every time you take a drag off a cigarette you go this is cancer I can feel it yeah that’s cancer this oh I can feel it growing in me Oh God is your cancer all over me you don’t believe in the power of suggestion come see one of the stupid hypnotist acts they book in comedy clubs when you see your aunt Mary doing but scoots across this carpet because she thinks she’s a dog with worms then maybe you’ll see my logic that made it illegal to smoke in every risk of restaurants in the entire West Coast now it’s all in California bars and restaurants at Portland Seattle Anchorage Alaska clap it up move there right but not an anchorage if you’ve never been to anchorage like it’s still legal to shoot a guy for giving you queer looks on a Saturday night but they still passed us and the way that passed these laws is they they’re excuses it’s for the waitresses they go pull up a waitress shouldn’t have to work in a dangerous environment all right well then neither should a construction worker so we’ll make all buildings just one story with fluffy airbags at the bottom it casing someone slip you don’t like your job go down the street and pack the bananas no one’s making you feel wages and that’s assuming the Lung Cancer secondhand smoke that is dangerous evidently there’s thousands of dead waitresses from the Health Effects secondhand smoke big Phnom Penh killing fields or the dead waitresses you can’t walk through a restaurant without stepping over bodies if Side Effects secondhand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is the most addictive substance on the planet then why is nobody addicted to Icd 10 secondhand smoke it’s killing you should have been addicted to it a long time before do you know any Term Effects secondhand smokers you know anybody who gets in a stressful situation or gets laid and has to run out right afterwards and go to a bingo hall or an a meeting and breathe deeply in the back no Blood Pressure secondhand smoke is annoying at best unless your job is like this close to the ashtray can I move over there an inch no besides if you’ve been a waitress for so many decades that Non Smokers secondhand smoke is starting to affect your health you were probably dead on the inside a long time ago because I’ve been waited on by the chick with the twenty-year pin and she wasn’t happy to be there bitchier waitress the more I tip her cuz I feel bad she needs it more it’s a horrible shop and if you work anywhere there’s a comment card on the table just quit right on this spot everything that’s wrong with America’s comment cards people just love to bitch cuz they think they’ll get something free my waitress had an attitude you makes $2 an hour and you’re a drunken what do want you got your drink what do you want it to tip feed your baby what you want a friend what do you want I found a hair in my food yeah this is like eight hundred thousand hairs on any given human body but little one winds up in your potato salad you act like someone wipe their ass with your tongue when you’re eating dead flesh that was ripped from the rib of a slaughtered animal sat in a fly strewn meat warehouse for days you’re eating a salad that had bugs flicked off it if you’re a potato that was grown and dung eat your hair and shut up all the wrong people get all this shit it’s all the Washington State minimum wage people to get this shit and it just circles around to other minimum-wage people it never goes up the chain and now just New York minimum wage bill you know I feel bad for sports players I think people go yeah hooray go ahead yeah say no that makes you much goddamn money who pays them dick pump Guto we all do guys sit there in an Astros hat with a Jersey Astros season tickets Astros Park ago these goddamn Astros make way too much money it’s embarrassing well can’t even pay our teachers enough to make minimal money but we bow yeah exactly no teacher paid Colby you know why does the sports player who gets more shit than sports plays for doing nothing you’re going through your entire life and all the other problems that you have that you ignore it wind up on them you go through you see a guy beating the shit out of his girlfriend in the parking lot you go no don’t get involved man it’s none of your business and the mullet-headed shit bag next to you at work tells you nigger jokes all week and you want to hit him with a chair but you go I’m gonna work with this guys and just keep your Airport Houston george bush is drilling holes and anything that isn’t a fetus but you go we gotta support a president at war but they show up on Sunday and the guy drops a ball and you go oh you piece of shit II drop ball the humanity you get him off the field I hope you get cancer you piece of shit like throw a ball what believe me all they do is throw a ball I mow my lawn I bring my kids to school do push-ups and throw a ball you then Cincinnati a few weeks ago the Bengals beat the Ravens I’m in enough sports bar and this guy beat the world champions but the kicker missed three field goals and the places just it fire em and look up at the TV in there is it Osama bin Laden no it’s a guy who does this for my entertainment and I want him dead it’s hard to I suck a lot and believe me I want more money you don’t show up at your job art on Monday and accidentally put the mail in the outbox with and come back Tuesday with big banners hanging out at a building fire Edith she’s a piece of shit she sucks and there you go well you know they get paid enough money they shouldn’t drop a ball that’s what they get paid to do it’s not drop the ball won’t if they didn’t make that money they made $6 an hour you’d still give them just as much shit and you’d use the money part against them you piece of shit what do you even use your hands you minimum-wage get him off the field sucks and I hope he gets cancer speaking of sports players never ever.
Feel like you missed the boat on something you feel like you missed your big opportunity you ever have like a great idea has a great idea but of course you blow it off and forget about it but then years later someone else comes up with the same idea and there’s all popular and whatnot when the Jerky Boys came out with the prank calls every guy in this room was thinking man I should have tape recorded all of my prank phone calls when I was 15 I’d be a millionaire now right you ever feel like you missed the boat like that that’s how I feel with the whole school shooting thing is that was my idea kill all the jobs I spend every study hall figuring it out oh god now it’s all popular I want to go back to my San Diego high school reunion armed to the teeth hey Stanhope what are you been doing the last 20 years I’ve been stockpiling clack boom ah I’ve been picking the underwear out of my ass for 20 years back pop aw look who’s givin the wedgies now bitch run Polack can San Marcos high school is horrible here in Abraham Lincoln high school and you’re not having fun quit though I quit after the ninth grade it was a best move I ever made what did you learn in school that you still use today go ahead teachers tell me what fear conformity don’t question authority you’re only popular as your brand name and your haircut Oh brilliant cut out they don’t encourage you to be what you want to be they encourage you to be what they think you should be no teacher will ever tell you that you’d be cut out to make a great star or illegal arms merchant or I was a funny school and it was never encouraged to believe me they know I never saw my natural ability sat me down taught me how to write a punch line or structure his Segway no I went to counseling I didn’t Legal Age quit school I would be in a cubicle now La Habra high Jordan 1 school kids are dicks they children are innocent no children are animals man no they’re innocent no they’re animals you don’t believe me put a three-year-old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended you’ll come back find that kitten turned inside out little kid with a eyeball in his mouth civility is a learned behavior and they don’t have that class in San Gabriel high school you come out and find someone threw a rock through your car window just for fun or beat your mailbox off the front yard with a baseball bat stuck a firecracker and your dog’s ass who was it the elderly now no every school shooting every parent comes out on the news and they’ll have all the reasons why it happened they’ll say if the violence in the media that’s the problem right there and parents don’t communicate with their children anymore that’s really the problem it’s the rap music that’s the problem there’s no security in our school that’s the problem no the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won’t do shit about it that’s the problem how many people in this room how many people in this room went to Flower Mound high school is some serious unadulterated assholes by a blog yes all right how many people in this room have their own child that is a serious bully Hitler like sadist now you don’t see those parents on the news do ya it’s terrible how Love Story andy williams shot up our school but I think it was my boy Ethan’s fault too because he was a real prick to that kid tell the camera son tell him I didn’t pull his pants out in front of the cheerleaders and push his face in a snowbank you little prick it’s both their faults feeling you don’t see that out of news Moon River andy williams shoots up this school and he’s like two shooters ago down in Southern California near San hello frail kid remember he’s Kip Kinkel asked a lot of people thought he was derivative of Kip Kinkel ‘he’s work shooting up in Oregon I thought he had his own panache I thought he had his own Flair that he brought to the game but everyone’s a critic right and so he shoots up this school and George cocksucker Bush comes out on the news and he calls it the ultimate act of cowardice yeah listen Bill Clinton george bush went to a private school where he was a male cheerleader and lived you’ve got no idea how the real world works do you bring your pom-poms to Compton high for a week and see your on a coward then you cut this bucket the ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind Speak Softly andy williams in math class sniffing him in the back of the ear going what are you gonna do about it faggot huh what are you gonna do faggot that’s the ultimate act of cowardice when the bullets start whizzing past Jacko’s big saucer cauliflower wrestling ears that’s payback that’s leveling the playing field for once yeah coward is a most misused word in this society like a big bailout word well you got nothing else to John Walsh America’s Most Wanted right every week let’s call this 800 number right now and get this cowardly murderer off the streets once and for all you go coward there’s words that would fit a sociopath wackjob dick who just wanted to be simple dick there you go but Howard the guy’s driving around with body parts in his car for God’s sakes I get clammy palms just driving around what expired tags much less chunks of a little kid in my trunk huh I’m not condoning the babe here I’m just saying it’s a little nervy a little ice in the veins for that project suicide it’s the coward’s way out right every time someone kills themselves they go he took the coward’s way out is all he did suicide is for cowards who don’t want to deal with their problems so they want an easy fix and an easy solution work you first of all life is like animal it’s not for everybody but isn’t as sad when kids kill themselves cuz kids didn’t really give life a chance but life is like a movie if you’ve sat through more than half of and it sucked every second so far chances are it’s not gonna get great right at the very end and make it all no one should blame you for walking out early every time someone kills him something he took the cow if it were a coward’s way out everyone would be doing it come on how many brave people do you really know there’d be no more root canals or IRS audits AIDS test no I’ve seen the chicks you take the coward’s way out have a man you don’t even wanna know I asked her to dance man you ask her to dance well you’re the one who keeps looking at her if you don’t look at want you go over to well fine I will go ask her than you dick hi I was sitting over there and I was wondering you know maybe on the next slow song or something you wanted to dance ooh unless that’s your boyfriend sorry I’m just not really good at Clarence is a pussy I knew he was gonna chicken out and blow his head off duties of pussy he wouldn’t even do a shot with us homo life is precious to you you’re young a few dollars in your pocket you’re shit going on sell that life is precious shit to the 90 year old guy graveyard shift at the nursing home he’s moaning with dementia can’t even recognize his own children anymore cut the big floppy handy penis lips from years of catheterization Oh life is precious yes turn me oh I savor every sunrise could you empty my bag it’s leaking on blanket the only reason he hasn’t killed himself as he can’t figure out a way to do it with pudding there’s a nursing-home story this is a little over a year ago was in Sarasota Florida they found an 87 year old woman dead in her bed in a nursing home with 16 hundred and 25 ant bites on her body ants and someone had to count those not bitch about my job ant how do you explain that one to the grandkids huh no honey Nana’s not with us anymore sweetie P no see God decided that he loved Nana’s so much he wanted her right there in heaven with him yeah so he sent an army of Red Imported fire ants to tear through the drywall and then slowly chew her to death where she lay there defenseless and unable to scream good night mommy will God send Fallout 3 fire ants for me someday only if you’re good only if you’re good and you pray every day then Jesus sends the bugs for you who’s got you today me I’m terrified of gettin there’s no good side to that is there no how old are you old enough yeah threescore and ten that’s old any time you talk like Abraham Lincoln vine pass me the potatoes know you said old people lie to you they’ll tell you that oh these are the greatest days of my life these are the golden years I’ve never been exact no they remember they’re just lying oh yeah boy I had a great life but it didn’t really start kicking though around 68 or so that’s when I discovered booze and bras they go up Oh what I’ve lost in years I’ve gained it wisdom bullshit I haven’t learned one thing in the last 15 years and it hasn’t just depressed me more rather be oblivious again it’s nice and if old people are so wise how come they’re always getting by telemarketing fraud how’s that right you’re so smart they took advantage of bugs because we’re old how is that an excuse every time I get into an argument with someone older than me their age is the first thing they use is their defense you don’t know shit when you’ve been on this planet as many years as I’ve been around you can tell me something till then you keep your mouth shut you son of a bitch soon as they get though it’s a different story all of a sudden they took advantage of us because we’re old they told us we want a brand new Mercedes and all we’d have to do is leave $8,000 in the brown paper sack in a locker at the bus station and we were skeptical at first because we’ve been burned like this 11 or 12 times before but it’s because we’re old no it’s because you’re dumb as have been so that makes it scary when you think about how old most of the people who run this country are this Imagi there’s a minimum age to be the president there should be a maximum age to be the president as well I wouldn’t mind having a 25 year old president shit would be weird but it would at least go forward all these people it’s just all this archaic thought there’s still like all this shit I the only shit I liked about High School george bush was the stuff they were giving him shit about he did coke get he got a DUI you know at least you’d have some human empathy we’ve all done some shit but you won’t allow our people who represent us to do how many people in here have done coke or hard drugs bought sold or buy applause how many people have gotten duis by applause how many people have done some jail time by applause uh who’s been an addict at some point who’s had an abortion in here by applause at some point how many people have cheated on the person that they’re with right now and they don’t know it by applause how many people would if thought you could get away with it not get caught by applause who’s had a homosexual experience in here by applause clap it up who takes it in the ass by applause whose contracting a social disease at any time by applause who thing’s religion is all bullshit by applause who’s a hooker at some point in their life by applause how many people have lied about at least one of those questions and not clapped by exactly that’s how they you so why is it we put our elected officials as a prerequisite to taking office can have done none of that shit ever in their life no not only have I never tried marijuana I still believe it leads to jazz music and raping white women Oh congratulations you’re the new leader of the free world that’s scary I am I’m old enough to be President next year and I’m gonna do it so you when they start giving me shit about all this shit that I’ve done and continue to do I’m gonna quit yeah make a resign or get impeached I quit the old-fashioned way call no show then where will be you can always get another job once you can put President of the United States under previous job experience you can leave the reason for leaving part blank and still get pussy and other jobs maybe not as high-profile but they won’t give you any shit aren’t you the President of the United States no I quit that gig angel now on Monday I start as emperor of Togo and now I want to eat your ass because that does anyone get upset that Barack Obama george bush keeps quoting the Bible in all his speeches does that get on anyone’s last nerve does it ever occur to him that it’s all those stupid religions and start all this shit in the Prize Money first place National Day of Prayer you think you’re doing something you’re not you just sit at home and cry jinkx and keep your fingers crossed – it does as much good you want to pray all day pray on your own time you want to help grab a shovel and start digging there pinwheel cuz it looks like your God takes Tuesday’s off that’s what gets you free today sure live it up I don’t think they should be able to teach religion till you’re 18 years old and you know what it’d be a whole different world because if they weren’t pushing that shit into your head while it was still soft you’d never buy it not for a minute if you walked into a you you’ve never heard about the Bible and none of your friends have ever heard about Christianity and you just found the Bible in a used bookstore oh you jump right on that idea wouldn’t you oh this sounds completely logical yes the cave in the market oh yeah hey Donnie I think I’ve found the meaning in the life beer know if I could chuck it in the wastebasket you would if it gets you through your day go I don’t think you believed it in the Science Fair first place you don’t want all these people every tragedy not just this one all the time they cry on the news of the good it was terrible and it was tragic but he’s in a better place now he’s with Jesus and we have to then why are you crying if he’s in utopia this paradise why are you he’s in the best place you could ever be you should be happy did you cry when you get a job promotion and a new car – it’s terrible how happy is for eternity if you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a here’s what pisses me off is if you do go out and you have the eight kids and you put them in the biggest gas chugging SUV that you can afford and you tool them around a neighborhood at four dollars a gallon and -all to the environment I’m the guy paying for it I didn’t do anything you get the tax breaks the more kids you have the more tags raise you get and people look at your little ugly pictures and they hold the door for you and it comes out of my check I didn’t do anything I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature and not only do I end up paying for your schools then I have to drive past your school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jack off and watch The Simpsons because you’re not even at the school to get fat it across the street by himself I had to pay for a crossing guard on top of it and your books and his leg braces and what have you your kids should not affect my life at all but they do I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say to protect your kids I’m gonna sit there like a mongoloid with a childproof lighter trying to light my cigarette when I’m drunk to protect your kids why is it I get into a taxicab at 2:30 in the morning because I’m drunk and I want to moon sorority girls cuz I got issues that go years back but I can’t even move a sorority girl cuz the taxicab window only goes down halfway cuz it’s a child safety window which completely eclipses the whole hangy turkeyneck part of the Moon what I even moved a sorority girl if they can’t see the swinging nut part of the whole project I’m out six bucks on a cab ride cuz you had to have more babies because you don’t want to mow your own lawn when you’re 50 and you didn’t make captain of the High School football team and you want to see what you’d look like if it didn’t eat so much cake so it boils down to this big ego trip I couldn’t see a little mini-me I wouldn’t see a little mini I said what about you and I would look like if we had a little me with my bald head and your nice dip so we’re do it that would look like that’s why you don’t get the muddy Nicaraguan kid off the TV commercial that really means you cuz if you got that kid and he made captain of the World Cup football team you’d only get partial credit little Jorge hits a home run in the World Series and you’re up in the stands going that’s my boy I mean kind of my bottom shit for God Tom I want a beer thanks I’m pro-abortion you if you’re a if you’re a sodomite or a homosexual or have had an abortion you get in all my shows free just yell it out at the door never recover for the sodomites and the pro-abortion people not pro-choice I’m pull a bortion talk someone into it she don’t listen put a ru-486 in her drink like a roofie spitting out stillborns in the sawdust right there in the bar set a miscarriage you just glad to see me you know the argument wherever you stand on the whole abortion thing if you’re for it or against it that argument will never be won but the opinion that I hear all the time that is the stupidest pinion in the world is the people who go I’m against abortion except in like cases of rape that doesn’t make any sense at all that’s saying it a fetus is a human being just like you or me unless his dad’s an so if your dad commits a crime we can goes and Rob’s it back tomorrow we can come to your office cubicle tear you out and suck your head flat with a vacuum because here that’s what that opinion says my action ought for I get on stage I feel like I’m leading you into battle you’re not all gonna be here at the end marriage is the stupidest thing in the world you can do marriage is another thing they just busted that guy Tom Green in Utah the bigamist for Marion five chicks again Church law okay what is marriage how do you marriage doesn’t do anything what he says okay we’re married that’s like saying okay you’re in but you can’t say you’re into more than one person it doesn’t change anything it’s just an arbitrary title it’s a reason to have a party for yourself that’s the only reason people get married what else does it do you want to have a party for yourself you know that got relationship Dale and I have been in for the last three years yeah well it’s gonna stay exactly the same but we’re gonna give it an arbitrary title and we want you to show up and bring us gifts and tell us how pretty we are a dress up in your favorite best clothes and take pictures of us and toast us and tell funny anecdotes about us and waste your whole Sunday and then it’ll be the exact same relationship afterwards egomaniacs cuz marriage doesn’t do it why does a state recognize a marriage it’s just tax breaks incorporated but you can’t why would you why would you why would you invite lawyers into that’s all marriage does you want to be with someone forever sure I have at it see if you get the lucky lotto ticket and succeed but why put it into a you take something meaningless as love like I mean the word is meaningless it doesn’t mean I it’s like the word art you know this is art what I’m doing right here the Mona Lisa and the Stainless Steel butter knife and the ass joke those are both art okay it doesn’t mean anything love is the same thing I love you I love my mom I love pancakes and pot stickers it doesn’t mean anything but you’ll take this intangible notion and put it into a legal binding document that’s like signing a contract promising to be lucky forever you can’t commit to an emotion I promise to be scared of you for the rest of my life can’t commit to that being loved and if it stops walk away but don’t be financially responsible for half of everything you ever work for your whole life dumb all traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself meet your old La Quinta high school buddies once a year at 4th of July at TGI Fridays good it’s your own tradition but other ones are dumb get out I don’t know where I’m going but drunk since it started all right we’re gonna wrap up please hold ten more minutes why are you about to come more minutes would you like me to Electrify you with rubbers studded nubs while prolonging my erection or did I just waste in the men’s room tell me now because I can resell it it’s not open can I get one more Miller Lite too all right oh and a shot oh thanks that’s what we need that’s Ted from compact oh you the guy that email me about the chick dumping you and all that say yeah all right cool excellent he had some bimbo did what Oh is she here one should I not should I not all right.
Yeah yet some he goes I emailed me and he says uh I just had to break up with my girlfriend cuz of you and said he met some really dumb chick and he was poon in her and then they go out and they’re at a bar and he goes we’re gonna go see Doug Santo B’s tape on a CD at the last stop and she goes oh I don’t know what I’m gonna wear I’m gonna have to dress up for that he goes it’s a CD it’s not gonna see you and then all his friends caught on to what she said then and it he ended up having a dumper for being don’t thanks for coming out thanks for the shot I love dumb chicks for a minute but you know he gets old quick uh I think that’s when knew I lost my youth is when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just a fucker you know sitting around for six hours going yeah you ever hear me say what’s your major yeah I shouldn’t even be there so I wound a twenty-one year old girl but it was four weeks ago now in Cincinnati and I was all excited cuz I just got dumped I get dumped like three months ago and when you get dumped you need that just one hardcore 30 back street grudge bug to get the stink off get you back in the game right and but you get that stink of desperation on your so bad it never happens you know your immediate hi this is my friend Karen she thought you’re cute will you me how about will you just touch it can we go in your car know you panic and but I had one of those gift like just thrown at you I just turned 20 why my boyfriend’s an I’m you yeah and it was the worst ever just a youth is completely overrated when it comes to and it really is it’s like the computer you get yeah you click here for a hot barely legal girls hot teenagers sorority just 18 and you can just look at the picture and know that you would say something stupid right in the middle of it it’s no give me tired old whore that I can imagine she’d at least you well the tip might sag a bit but I like a girl who knows what the she wants I want a girl he’ll put it in her own ass every now and then you don’t even have to finagle the bill just we’re gonna try something different right you’re gonna have a one-night stand commit to the act get all namby-pamby right at the end I can’t believe I’m doing this I never do this is anybody you know I don’t want people to think of it’s leather it well maybe I picked the wrong person I was sure you were a whore by the way you said I turned 21 and I’m gonna you you’re not or pretend like you are lie to me for an hour and I’m leaving anyway everybody mean I step down someone’s me from behind I don’t even turn around to see who it is I’m a whore let’s get this done all right just let you play the part come in I like my section a little bit deviant every now and then I like a little level of difficulty that’s why I like my women a little bit on the brown side or right oh you might have a firm pit there but at no point in the sexual act do I want to here you go oh you like that girl yeah it is gross but it’s the only way I can come anymore so just put on your safety goggles keep a mop handy sign your insurance waiver and for Christ’s sakes don’t get any on your skin I’ve had some really freakish sex with some chicks and you know the freakier it is the more often almost invariably you’ll find out afterwards if you talk to him long enough that they have some weird sexual abuse in their past they were touched inappropriately or something and that always comes out like all the strippers exit you have to the best fucks in the world they’re all over the place and anything goes but then know you where it’s happened often enough that it’s almost subliminally something I look for in a woman now here a chicken the bar says you did ‘old by her cousin when she was six and you’re going really can I buy you a drink I gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers god bless you for that you’re gonna have weird sex deal with people you’ll never see you again don’t do shit like that and keep a relationship interesting cuz it doesn’t happen what happens then is the weird sex just becomes boring and then you’re still stuck with the same person that’s why people stay in long-term relationships as they’ve done too much horrible shit to one another trying to keep their sex life interesting that they can’t leave or the other one will tell and they will always talent don’t think for a second you have anyone who’s gonna keep your secrets for any longer than the day after you say maybe we should start seeing other people is the day you show up at the bar and all your friends are going hey what’s up dead Cloney likes a finger it is azza what’s up Johnny ball game come on in have another beer mr. piss the bed on New Year’s Eve Donna was bi had a few things to say about you boy I bet my last girlfriend the one before the last one should she’d sit there and tell me all this shit about all of her friends I don’t tell it don’t tell anyone I told you this but just friends I didn’t know or give a shit about and get to the point where I only knew her friends by the horrible shit she told me about him they call on the phone she’s not here right now she’s out with a you know the closeted fag and the chick with the nine abortions the two you know whose is oh yeah mister circle-jerk in summer camp I’m telling it gone I just want the truth in a relationship that’s all I really want is the truth just be honest I don’t want the truth in a relationship lie to me every now and then or just leave it out I want the truth but I don’t want the whole truth and nothing but the truth if you don’t know where to draw the line ever know you went out with your ex-boyfriend Dale because his dad died and he needed someone to be there with them and you’re still friends so you wanted to be there so you went out with them and you didn’t call all night so the next day I asked you I don’t want to know the answer but it beats at me and that finally break down and ask I go do did you him and you say no and that’s true but then you go but what’s weird is we went out we had a few cocktails later on and we were talking and somehow we got on the subject of sex cuz we used to have incredible sex me Dale and we were talking about it and he made the moves on me and I said no because I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship and I value what we have and I don’t want to ruin that so I said no even though I was really tempted and I really wanted to him I didn’t do it and then he laid off for a while and then we had a lot more drinks and then he started getting upset about his mom again then he got very aggressive with me and it just it got really weird I ended up watching him jack off in his car while he cried cuz I didn’t know what to do you could have stopped right out there I didn’t him that’s what you could have done that was true far less uncomfortable than all this the truth some truths you don’t want to know there’s two things you don’t want right after you get dumped liquor and the code to her voicemail some truths you just don’t want to know yeah that shots kickin it I listened to.
The tape from last night nice we’re way too much a bit of a potty mouth my dad used to wash out my mouth with soap but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA now that’s the great thing is you keep teaching your kids that the word is dirty and all these words are dirty and that’s the only thing they want to hear so I just put a good point and blanket in and a bunch of fucks and now your kids are listening to me put this whole CD on Napster and just title it and your kids will sit there and just type dirty words in a search engines and get my shit Sims 4 quit school leave your parents are lying to there you go I’m talking to your kids right now uh-huh think you should me after the show Holly I think that whatever you did well you just get be last then you can get done whatever you have to get done and come back I don’t care I just got new headshots back and there’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept your a goofy-looking 122 pictures they all have a same stupid look on my face this photographer sucked your a goofy-looking everyone looks nothing like you that’s why I picked it look at the ones that look like me I wish that I used to wish I was one of the beautiful people and it’s gonna be nice to be one of the beautiful people but at the same time it’s gonna be equally comforting to be just hideously dog dick ugly too right cuz then you don’t give a shit it’s the middle of the road like most of it most of us that fucks with because you mind yourself into thinking you could be one of the beautiful people if you just tried a lot harder I just got my teeth white then I wouldn’t be so bad yeah I could do that maybe if I joined a gym and did a thousand crunches a day then I get some pussy then yeah maybe if I took that propecia do some of this hair back then I wouldn’t be so bad you don’t think Elephant Man ever spent hours looking in the mirror going oh if I didn’t just got that one fibrous pump that hung over my eye then they wouldn’t spit at me on the buzz that would be cool someone uglier than you every now and then that’s my point is an unfinished thought from the last CD do it yeah not every all the time don’t stay with him just give them a fake name them and yeah every now and then when you’re not doing it something else makes people happy it does I’d uglier people in me somewhat uglier than you has you pass it makes you happy always someone who shouldn’t have did you let him cut in front of your traffic and everything fifty-eight items in the ten item LS go ahead of me sure I can use a coupon and write a check I don’t care that girl me I’m happy all week it’s true you’re doing that tonight and that’s very kind of you that’s really nice what it’s nicer her you were me ten years ago I’d be a happy act up here I’d be hypnotizing a guy or something I do jokes about how guys leave the toilet seat up and other really pertinent things like that yeah you didn’t me though and now that you could have turned that chip on my shoulder into a warm salty paste but you chose not to and this is the result maybe it’s not too late for him because you won’t always be that beautiful you keep that in mind that giggly Magee one day you’ll be coming down here and you’ll be 86 years old stepping off the mehdi van at the last stop where you’d be socks all rolled out over big varicose veins like blue night crawlers leaking out of it back to your thighs and bald spots bed sores a big gym sock titties I kind of girl you could titty using just one tent you just wrap it around Wiggly pyorrhea these big war-torn beaver looked like someone kicked a hole in the side of a rotting hogs carcass all keep marked and he crashed ingrown hairs a stink that I’d make a blind man scream Armageddon yeah look like a bird’s nest full of raw meat and bacon grease yeah you’ll have a colostomy bag hanging off the side yeah like a three-pound tick full of shit yeah then you’ll me ha I’ll wait right here until then if I have to you’ll me like a three-legged dog with an itchy belly today leave you with a disconnected phone number and a teardrop in your milky cataract eye thank you guys very much I’m gonna go I just