Technically I should never go swimming.
I used to be tons of weight get up and move you’re gonna peel off.
That sticker I’ll try to put on orange it’s peeling an orange ever really been worth it some weirdos they use the gathering of fruit and some activity why don’t we go Apple packing can we still act excited when we see there’s no one wants vegetables when you’re at a party then they have a vegetable train are you most surprised wow that is a waste of money everyone knows crudit is friends for.
Throw away in a couple hours settle down with the Hidden Valley ranch dressing the.
Usage is ridiculous interesting before they came up with Pork Chops ranch dressing no one had eaten raw vegetable ever no we don’t want vegetables but we haven’t wanted fruit for hundreds of years that’s why there are so many paintings in the exams of just bowls of fruit cuz you could start painting a bowl of fruit you could leave for a couple days come back no one would have touched the bowl of fruit but if you’re painting a doughnut you better finish it on the first city you know why cuz they’re in jail donut shop and you see a police officer do you feel like something specials happened I’d a donut I had done it before he came on stage that’s what the front last week I was like you want to get the donut it was like I’m not hungry like what does that have to do with it ever been a good reason to eat a donut doctor says I need more powdered sugar nuts are bad for you and according to my health not why if they’re not appropriate for a trail mix I’m just on a different train all right mine leads to the Phone Number emergency room a joke will be even funnier when I die from cardiac arrest there’s a place called rum yum donuts so we need the IQ of one I’m juicing yellow fireball Russian.
Scottie donut now there’s gourmet doughnuts that are deep-fried and cool realizing I just pointed out that don’t I can’t start ringing it up he’s like that’d be 399 cause I only want one of them then there was this long awkward pause where I waited for him to lean forward and go.
southern states and I’ll tell you something people in this house are nicer they are if you would intrude they’re nice and just move slower.
Essentially Yanis down there that’s why.
They talk that way because this gets engrave you can’t be expected to say go taste on those biscuits and gravy are amazing I had biscuits and gravy breakfast for nine days straight I still haven’t gone to the bathroom that tour was 27 years ago chicken and waffles fried chicken waffles try and hide the fact they’re eating unhealthy you know that’s right you’re like I guess all order of the bucket of lard okay I’ll be eating everywhere I was in.
Arizona and New Mexico and there are people eating cake in the shower every so you have to share with your children every day you ready for free what are the basic elements of a diet it’s like no food you gotta cut out all the bread cut out what about Crumb Chicken fried bread Dough Recipe fried bread actually the term is fry bread is that Baking Powder fried bread it’s fry bread it’s like a command call to action I’ll have an elephant ear no I’ll just have a beignet like that guy at the party trying to find weed he’s your friend but gonna be here tonight you know he hangs out with that guy named herb marijuana ha last night I was eating a plain ice cream and I finished it cuz I’m American because I care about the environment conserving energy but now we’re freezing it you’re.
weddings are an important event where we.
Spend a lot of money we love each other.
These crude medieval ceremonies where.
Women daughters were exchanged as property yet over the course of centuries they got worse whenever I see Dream Meaning someone crying at a wedding I say don’t worry it probably won’t work out invitation like ah this is gonna cost me occasion day is for vacationing and you can tell how much a wedding is gonna cost you about the type of invitation receive you oh no this one’s made of.
Wallet you have to get the newlyweds gift because they’ve done so you go to the registry which is nice way of saying you don’t have to get us anything but when you do make sure it’s one of these things you ever go to the registry lady you’re like I know the only thing left is a fork for $300 my wife had us register for fine china because you never know when the Pope’s gonna swing by he’s won a microwave hot dog on a tour play dishwasher don’t get that way you need to clean it with a kitten it needs to be a white and most weddings the guests receive a gift ransom feathers like a bag of almonds covered in candy feel free to check the centerpiece sure you don’t want us to bust some tables bring a broom but I could sweep it’s like sometimes the gift is like a knick-knack or a Happy Meal toy kind of thing wine stopper filled with sand because the fame of the wedding was waste in our throat during the first dance I do find it faster there’s always a drunk person at a wedding right I think it’s because there’s some awkward moments like I never know what say to those people I was feeling I’ve just seen a friend and a play or something I like this program well I did something else now you’re the grandma where groom the bride and how much longer really oh look on their face.
there’s a new one for when you roll.
Food it takes calories there’s any other airports you should.
Drink almond milk it’s like a really bitter spinach with hair Gillis got for you if I don’t kill cures cancer announced I feel like I’m just gonna do we evolved as a species so we no longer.
Have to eat things like kale one we no longer forest phooey we the house they can no longer sound like Cookie Monster just add some kale no one asked you because I have a thousand children it’s not some kale in there and no one to throw the ball at her with a vegetable what is this kale it tastes bad house don’t forget spit garbage-can at the entrance with a.
Picture wallet over okay remember how expensive it is when you get there you like these prices too lazy go to another store we should close you shower there’s one or two weirdos out there that took a bath it’s gonna be relaxing don’t worry no one here scoping selves.
In the bath for that weird cup on the side I was commercial we sit by side tubs on the porch what is the message of that call this function commercials are juices there to ruin neither you join your show just a reminder in a couple years you’re gonna need a pill to do anything I took a shower didn’t happen right away never had one of those days so I gotta take a shower just hours pass take a no you finally do it feels like such an accomplishment condition my hair as you can tell you got a condition your hair cuz everyone else does but the reason we’re supposed to condition our hair is because we shampoo our hair too often so instead of using one product less often we just added another product ever make you feel better I bring a beer and whiskey always identical bottles for no other reason but to confuse us accidentally pour out the conditioner holds two small house end up holding on.
To and open the shampoo bottle with the other hand fire something the shampoo conditioner and one I don’t trust butter jelly in the same jar that’s for goobers that jokes for capers there’s so many goos potions and our showers and the home just so this with different names right is so fair here this is so fair Bobby this is a St Ives facial scrub which is soap with sand in it my favorite shower door potion though has to be Tea Tree body wash not just because it sounds creepy yeah you can leave this Sensitive Skin body wash on your body use it on your face you die stupid body was energy they never bother think of a misleading adjective that made sense fuel-efficient low calorie something like that but it doesn’t matter what it says on all those Goods and potions right there snake oil because when it comes to cleanliness we will believe anything Brown Sugar facial scrub made of all the problems that makes sense it only cost $50 France they’re known for cleanliness we don’t want to smell like oh my god cleaning animals we’re like cats we self clean grouping we’re finicky eaters I eat them we like to think we’re like dogs wish I was a dog dogs are always in a good mood we can’t even be like a cat does a cat.
Could scratch itself on a stationary wait that’s adorable but if I scratch myself on a mannequin at Body Mist victoria’s secret I had a reason man you need a reason to be in Victoria’s or you can just be my wife something for Valentine’s you have to reach a point in a relationship we can get a woman something for Victoria it’s not like a first date thing like thanks for meeting me for dinner I got you a bustier every guy wants to go on Victoria’s they will walk on moon the search out the catalogue it just shows up in your mail Alexis seems like there’s some good articles in here I wasn’t married I could get rejected by all these women guys we’re just dumb enough.
They could but a practical reason to go in there if I let go in the Annual Sale victoria’s secret act like a Greyhound bus station between ships in here there’s all the angels who’s just stressed out sales ladies with but you’re still a guy at a woman’s.
Underwater store and you don’t want to look like a creep that’s why every man at Fragrance Mist victoria’s secret has the same expression on its face nothing stimulating in here because it’s boring to me especially those huge posters of supermodels mostly naked I didn’t know what I was looking for so I went up to a saleslady avoid the warmth of a TSA screener trying to be discreet I was like look I’m looking something for wife my shoes she’s very intelligent oh great you can’t say I’m looking for a slutty outfit maybe that French maid’s outfit would be good do it you can’t ask a stranger lady you look like you got a piece too like my wife I assumed the awkwardness was over until they handed me my purchase in a bright pink Semi Annual victoria’s secret bag that I had to carry around ball the rest of the day ladies so much I got a bag full of.
Meat fish or they’re just creepy crawly giant insects on the bottom of the ocean you know Fisher’s from we gotta get an exterminator up in this chicken house what does a chicken doing in my house but if you saw lobs you’d be like we’re not a nickels worth the difference between a lobster and a giant scorpion now I understand everyone loves lobster hey I like butter too okay how can I eat three strips of butter I find this giant mega sea scorpion it’s just a spoonful of butter hopes to bug me go down lobster tail is that the area near the bottom we have to pick out you’re on lost yes I’ll take that one that’s really struggling with the rubber bands he seems appealing why don’t we boil involved in this decision but the Northeast it’s all shellfish Marilyn with the crab isn’t the kind of a red flag you need a hammer to eat a crab oh you’re having the crab let me get you some tools so you can crack open that book shadow and get that half about a buck made of seafood and there’s that nasty part of the crab you’re not supposed to.
And also make jewelry mr. Zorin Afridi’s.
We see grabs knots maroc see what happens may my players may wonder the Medical Center emergency room it looks like vomit you went too far let’s kill him but most see food gives me the willies like anchovies what exactly is an anchovy on a sweaty eyebrow is wherever I see an anchovy I think someone is a Tom Selleck squid more like the swimming sea spider but I like calamari deep fried rubber hose would taste good Casas is good hos really octo meaning hate post-meeting really my favorite the suction coach remind me we need new bathtub back wish I like seafood do I live in you’re trying to town in New York some Chinese Chinatown’s a lot of the restaurants at Chinatown have live seafood tips and the windows no Martha do you want us to come in there are these sea monsters protecting your establishment I asked in Chinese food I love the Chinese culture I’m not just saying that because we’re all gonna be working for them in six months the Chinese have an amazing culture they do 3,000 years ago they were doing brain surgery in China if they still haven’t figured out dessert restaurant that is the tea ice cream that tastes like a pack of menthol cigarettes the dessert options there’s two right there’s sliced oranges versus to the Spooner just arrived from the Caribbean looks like these carrot fellas sliced juice or there’s a Chinese Restaurant fortune cookie which is not even a Chinese thing it’s an American thing and we gave it to them and only we don’t want it we’re like it’s no part of your ethnic identity the feelings of fortune every Akb48 Koisuru fortune cookie should be you were about to eat a stale cookie reaction to for security so it’s likely or six to what is mine small there’s some ancient wisdom in there as if Confucius himself was putting a tiny piece of paper into a tiny typewriter happiness long journey well this is stale cookies from a would you wait for them to be still holidays 1919 let’s wait a little longer I do feel sorry for the person who created that cookie better ended up being the Yang Mencinta fortune cookie because they were probably pretty proud he did I try my new cookie mean to think of a tropical cookie to music I’ll try there you go oh you know just could use uh some paper well there’s a bigger firm the note or a recipe for a good cookie how much the thinking to charge work I do it away with the Chuck around here I love a seafood hello Las Vegas kobe beef know I look like a vegetarian co-ed beef if you’re not familiar with that the comes from cows that are fed beer and massaged with sake.
it’s just a drunk owl and it’s appealing which means it’s only a matter of time you have to try this chicken was raised solely on Doritos Cool Ranch but really New York kobe beef shows you how decadent we become right now it’s not enough that we live a life of luxury now we need to eat things that have live a life of luxury I understand at school what’s the surprise for someone along the way it’s like you lick that stain this is the best steak I’ve ever had in my life you know I felt that kind of massaging an animal you gave a lot of alcohol to so you could enjoy so I could enjoy it anymore Special Victims Unit let’s see what Olivia Benson think service dogs you can’t eat a hotdog in public there’s always one friend that’s like Dina doesn’t have I don’t like strippers no one wants to know the backstory I can say that joke as a stripper I was so good they paid me put my clothes back buffalo chicken wings I’m sure you savages eat those are baby chickens wings that you’re eating I don’t eat those ate the chicken legs you’re like our chickens can’t fly how do we know they’re become too dependent on those legs are making Birds lazy you receive footage of a hippo crossing a river there’s always a bird sitting on its back how easy is that to get across paper that bird could glide across that bird don’t eat your legs mostly kiss of proko so if you were drinking that’s not the answer it’s not eating it it’s amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes because even as a teenager you know it’s wrong you’re like you know I don’t like the taste of it but I want to look cool and then in your 20s like you know what this kind of gives me confidence talk to the opposite sex during your forties really you know this is the only thing I like about being it’s only funny because it’s true sir something got go to some bars head to a bar right I don’t really feel comfortable right when I get my brown marks going with all these strangers but a fair couple of beers with Mike is glad you played my best friends does your experience at the bar changes over the course of the night right as the night goes on you see really why we go to bars we go to bar so we can behave like children toddlers really you ever go to a bar at 2:00 a.m. you would pick up a kid at nursery school this is the same experience the behavior is the same in both places there’s always some strange yelling for no reason at all both place you go in the bathroom it’s obvious not everyone’s body trade there’s always Secret Garden someone crying occasion there’s a fight you go I punched him in the head I need more juice people are drunken bars although we’re always surprised when someone’s broken apart we’re actually shocked because shots and really the only time to ever drink a shot is never no-one’s ever drank a jean that done something they’re proud of a wasted last night and went out and built some low-income housing wake up the next day you’re like I need a new identity maybe two of them because if you’re drinking shots it’s either your birthday or you’re trying to forget you were ever born it’s like I want to get right to the embarrassing part of the night drink shots we take them like their medicine this will cure my normal strangers will buy you show your brother.
A shot it’s never happens with anything see you mean excuse magnetizes you got to turn that shot down before they get it poor because once it’s for they act like you’re rejecting a sweater they perceive you really crowd at you like five or six people deep at the bar everyone’s competing for the bartender’s attention we’re trying to get from the Red Cross a little tougher the may need abatement I don’t want to say bitchy.
Even at fancy places the restroom and.
There’s one thing I don’t want anyone attendance true when sticking around to sell me a bad luck the rest you can’t justify not typically doesn’t working next to a toilet I’ll have an incentive for it – probably gum and Cologne on the show no thanks on the gum sir all that flavors women not to wait here in your where’d you get the gum faster yes some stranger in half a tux all that talk about a place you’d want to pick up a you smell forget a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf or two sprayed myself good I’m moving in with them most memorable public restroom Alison was a New York City Park men’s room which doubles as a crime scene the difference being that crime scenes are eventually cleaned up the lights are out but it’s really dark there’s water everywhere for some reason there’s a film crew from ghost owners don’t tell you when they need is the bathroom they tell you when they’re about to use the bathroom my three-year-olds now four I also have a nine year old and an 8 year old a two-year-old and a one-year-old five kids ten years ago I couldn’t get a date and now my apartments literally crawling with babies or something strangers for some reason think I don’t wear them it’s a lot of kids but it’s a lot of kids oh you think so thanks for the heads up do you mind if I stab you on the head this is when I belong with buy five kits and inevitably struggling and some stranger coming up yeah your hands full don’t you see so going up to someone at a wheelchair looks like you don’t do a lot of dancing still punch you coz when you have four kids from like wow when you’re five relate just stop what are you creating our nationality settle down it’s gonna be a country called Afghanistan waterbeds doors they used to be.
Everywhere and now they’re just we some people think it’s religious or here below scripts for religious reasons it’s out works if anything you have four or five kids and then you become religious you know atheist or not you start talking to God right away if you can help me find my son I promise I’ll change my life I’ll stop going to Wendy though there is really only reach out when we have a crisis it’s got to be annoying for God he’s got to do well with someone gets the big scene they turn into Billy Graham on the side I seem to remember when you were in but now your Jenny Pepe jokes it combines cancer and religion always a crowd-pleaser comics we don’t like to miss guns we don’t even like the word I used to be afraid of cancer now I got a headache and I’m like good it’s almost over I’m like skin cancer waiting to I’m surprised we even ask what brand parents died of at this point my grandpa died what kind of cancer a bus let’s call bus can see do we say we’re afraid of kids we don’t really behave like are we know what causes smoking constant I only smoke when I’m drinking which is constant really we know the places cancer screenings there smells you don’t miss my baby babies are magic they are the worst roommates look if you want a roommate that did one of the things a newborn does you’d be like you’re moving out screaming and you threw up.
Yourself my wife’s fun when the mother breastfeeds the baby always looks right at the dead like what are you gonna do about it every year when my wife has Reno baby by the way they stop after the second kid with the fifth kid people barely respond to the email announcement I understand it but these are the only.
Types of humans that could be compared to an animal and it’s okay but you could never be like heard you’re getting married I know how you feel I used to have a big hose that ride love that because they can’t breathe their skin can twice a year travel I tour with my kids we got on a tour bus and we gonna like some destination last spring break we went to Mount Rushmore that’s the most applause spot run sports ever used to go there on their honeymoon and now I bring up my restroom people look at me like I’m talking about a TV show that was canceled ten years ago it’s still going on it’s still going on you know what it’s beautiful secret to the Lakota Indians not of respect our Coffman car for white guys with the two guys that own slaves so much stimulation in our lives we don’t know what to make of four faces on a mountain you know my.