please welcome to the stage.
Thanks for coming nice to be here yes.
Well through my childhood and there is the horrific up to date I’ll apologize before we start the show.
Properly to this shirt as you can see it is clearly for a man three feet shorter than me combining an ill-fitting shirt with a t-shirt not realizing that this clearly also doesn’t fit me as I surely you can see a lot more of me than you bargain for us really put the ladies is that I’m of no sexual threat that’s with me these days is the kids of.
Summing marshmallows into the anus of a based on that reaction what show it’s.
Called firing cheese balls my friend and colleague of mine Marek Larwood is hilarious we decided that this is an insult for every person in the country with a job we decided last year that through our work we become incredibly stressed it’s not hard work right but we thought your attorney stressed we have to go and discover ourselves so we hired a remote cottage on the mountainside two things happened in the remote hideaway the Gator show its title number date one I almost died right thank you took a wire in this cottage thinking it was just an innocent wire it was lies I took the 300 volts through my fat carcass shape epileptic Michael Flatley I heard you screaming I just want you to see the spider who have been a giant spider with Peter Mandelson on its back Wonka to calm myself down and I waited what I think it’s a god-given right if anyone who’s almost died I’m waiting for my epiphany because if you almost died that’s what happens right you suddenly understand life I waited for 10 hours day 2 in season 2 Marik and I we came down a winding concrete truck from the house on the hill in our higher cards buy provisions for the whole week one hour of shopping for seven days away with two things so I came to mind when you were 14.
We realized we fired a whole crisps I.
Wasn’t worried it’s not funny so I did a bit of psychoanalysis on myself when I worked at inherits two things off my mother number one massive tits a glass-is-half-empty approach to life whatever I’m doing I think it’s gonna go wrong whatever I’m looking forward to I think it’s gonna get canceled and someone’s gonna die right it is the worst way to live your life because you are never truly present you’re never just doing something you’re thinking outside me worrying about what’s happened or what’s about to happen for once when I was firing crisps a dog I was just doing I want to look back up my life and remember only the times where I was lost in time just doing something and thought I wonder if I can sustain a whole David Attenborough life story using that system you think no yes my whole Funeral Home life story using that system through too many stories I had to create this over a spell the book of Peggy tails it’s a collection of stories I wanted to get into the main narrative I couldn’t fit them in you’ll see why so I thought will dip into this everyone again yes and I’ll get on with a main narrative John based on the system so I need a pretty child reader my instinct tells me okay I’ll come to you right Betty tails.
You come to the mic read the Twilight I’ll share it with the people and I’ll get all the main now let’s test the system what’s storing a baud rate to the flag slag in the hair trigger reflex Emily 1987 I used to hang around with my sister’s friend Rachel a slag she was more trenchless liked by everyone including get this Marius is follow intuitive all right in 1987 I was standing outside a pod with Rachel of slag I did a massive fart she vomited yes wanted to incident I would summarize.
That incident with the word Oh what do you remember the Home Buyer first time ever that I was lost in space just doing something I’ve remembered yet it’s my first memory I was three years of age I was sitting in a pram outside a supermarket waiting for my mum to do her shopping she left me outside on my own three years of age in the early 1970s there weren’t any bleeding files turn it talk about this view so I’ve seen the prom has the brown little wheels look yes he’s still cracking smiling away this is Lex octopus she put an ice pop in my hand.
And I remember like it was yesterday I took it off I was just an ice pop oh death in time nice memory I thought she said I remember that yeah there’ll be something about that you don’t remember and I went I’m sorry she said oh well I came out of the secret mark in love and the old lady was still there and you were eating your ice Popp she looked down at you then she realized I was your mum she looked up at me and said that only these words this is a real quote ah I’m so sorry for you that is a shame say to my mother I’m so sorry that your.
Fetid vagina mr. tickle that’s my point Ilan’s writing secondary school formative years instead I’ll just mention a man first of all this man here your name it was a nickname we gave him.
Ladies man that was 50 you can see from my diagram was certainly fat dick wasn’t however of a racially Oriental we called you fat Chang he got slightly slit your eyes in an average kind of racism used come to the front hall and stand right at the front they would rock the people in the front and this is a quote he said I’d let you believe for my reading within the Hotel London united kingdom there are currently several active midget groups a whole room full of children went go on I enter you can throw right.
Names I’m myself a big bullet.
When I went to school my mother puppets once I said this just to make Rick Davis she’s my ruffle Church said they can.
Take you they can take your clothes which was a strange one I can never take your name we gave you that no one can take your name of you but yours forever well that of course children can take your name in a.
with no reason with no reason and I can prove it I’ve prepared some for you these are all genuine nicknames from my National Curriculum year group at school not even my whole school this is my Army Officer year group they’re all real feast your eyes on it I’m not made any observer do you tell me.
How far you think they are but back or in my year I’ll throw this in for you but its side fun it was round at my mom’s a couple of weeks ago fit in you shallow but back was called bad back for five school years because right well that’s you for malee slightly more sinister yeah the actually burns out one of his it would appear on that occasion Polly put the kettle on guitar q nicknames one boy Cheese Primer steven jenkins let.
Me tell you how Steven got both of those nicknames using only the fact because I was there this is what happened ready Eye Blind steven jenkins was in a science lesson he rubbed his eye it went a little bit red no more facts associated with these things within 24 hours everyone was calling him Popeye because the rumor went red he broke decide so hard onto his cheek to monster a work of fiction right Popeye and a whole school year Shh penis detection nice short one let’s.
See if I can’t get him he had long hair this is my favorite spot that I still.
Know this Bob David friends of mine he’s still connection with Elise was it Greg dad I.
Think it was called back down after the first summer of school because they came kids calling back that.
So I’ll be kind of gathering nicknames.
On my tour so far my favorites audience suggestions are as follows that one made I’m pleased me and this last one I think is the greatest nickname of all time statement but I prove in a minute before I do you want it can you remember anyone from your years who has a nickname they didn’t deserve that is amazing I’m probably sharing this joke and.
Everybody else sample Thomas my nickname yeah when I was a Ofsted Report primary school I threw.
A girl’s pencil across the classroom and the headmaster was just coming in and he saw me and he grabbed me and put me on top of a table where I pissed all over.
What are they call fish fingers because you said this used to finger yourself on good enough any other sorry oh this is.
Immense already for years you.
Much smaller straight yes what Hispanic was Monkhouse I was mugged my favorites I think.
This jacket was in Burma your babies are lovely 18 year old you sit in the front but it is Gandhi still no nicer why call candy goes oh because my name’s Anthea not gay and they just think this is Scotland in a half of.
One of his they admit not for the fight right 18 months why now and the reason I think because he was.
Dog still it was 45 it’s like the corner of my eye and it join us monster number two the Beast.
Amongst garden the beast in mum’s garden 2005 I was in my mother’s kitchen she lives in the country got my at this noise right this is a humour it was the puber it was my mother she was laughing from the garden hose and we just said that they drank petrol period in my life I’ll do this visually for you as University dealt with 21 to 30 three the dark yes now make the worst decision of my entire life I decided at 21 it would be a good idea to become teacher a real teacher your secondary not really teaching is it.
Term Dates primary school teachers up there was.
Trying to stop me after the kids are quite serious about doesn’t work I’m joking of course I think teachers are amazing I certainly shouldn’t be taking the piss out of a Catchment Area primary school teacher because I used to teach drama great job teaching rewarding honorable.
Makes a difference no bull I’ve made all of those things it just wasn’t for me right it wasn’t me for this reason I think you can help me get my enjoyment I talk to 13 years I was a head of department I was a head of year is the reason that was the kids you know because it’s behavior even parents will agree with me on this kids behavior is all of the following things it is wonderful it is horrific and it’s my favorite really odd you can all relax they weren’t special needs so please available there was a child called mal words in that group never believed that was his real name it’s the king of the word though it’s not proof it with one prescription I wanted to pay my words what you gonna do when you leave school no hesitation it goes under be one or two things I’m going to be a train driver or a gynecologist – there are contrasting professions Marwood import you had no right so they are I suppose at the end of the day I just like tunnels.
Stopgap it in the green when I first.
Wrote my description of Gavin I read it back and I thought you monster an 11 year old child you’re talking about right so I rewrote it I read the second description I thought that is I rewrote it honestly 15 times every time making it less offensive by the same time I think you don’t agree with me that if I’m going to talk about a real person I should make it honest as I can so after 15 rewrites I would now describe Gavin accurately I think to you as a fat all the way to the moon.
Four years of.
There was a child that more than made up.
For him though Karen Powell my favorite pupil I ever taught I was 11 years of age she had two fascinating characteristics when were born her internal compass was right for some reason she was 20 minutes like every single lesson I don’t know why number two no she was 11 she spoke like a repressed 1940’s housewife making this impression I’m not this is how she spoke today was a little bit was paper-thin.
I used to say just appalling and my group you never need to apologize you are my favorite because current was then face to the challenge she can leave my drama studio fire I don’t know what she did because I had.
My back turned but I’ll tell you this before I went for my lunch I certainly locked my gullet to Wayne for a full hour when I came back I promise you that child was standing in a cupboard with her back to me silent right in a midget remake of the last scene of the Blair Witch Project.
At the time I was depressed I didn’t.
Want to be there I blame them for troubling me they’re one of the worst things any teacher will tell you is the amount of paperwork we have to do not know I think all the scheme of work you have to plan years for all Promotion Timeline year groups from all ability groups take into consideration pupils personalities I was reading from an empty book it was.
All in the book right it was blank I used to read that in space motion they were shuttle groups around the room they know in silence I’ve make it up as I was going along with the last night off that was it right the only mistake I made was that they loved it they loved so I’ll be singing between lessons like I would answer this is a real.
Conversation with me and that boy yes ma what’s the command of the shuttle say oh no so I ask you a question okay fine thanks said that you do the lumbar there let’s start the lesson right are you.
Some of kin my hand combatant just to make myself laugh control of the drama so the hundred forty-three and so.
Brave warriors were on the surface of the Solar System dangerous planet they were all very frightened inside decided they would take off of the Natural Disasters dangerous planet so they strapped themselves in a miss doc Spence these people then I.
Worked so hard at school they said of college I definitely got acting work just because I was tall drops are these little rats eat it myself inside the slowest possible story no it’s not in the darkness they heard footsteps the whole time back in the Traverse to.
Do and spoken agent Powell make me laugh harder than think I can ever remember laughing she walked past it the end that I went l see you next nursing care and she went perhaps you know enjoy this now I didn’t enjoy actually misses you up dramas can enjoy that very much I’m pretty sure but during that Black.
Ant yeah 100 I’m pretty sure someone try to pull my trousers myself by Bulacan in full-on vodka and he stopped me and said great heard you went on I’ll say I’m sorry I feel awful I’m really sorry I feel really guilty about Karen I just thought it was the opportunity yes my father said to poor little.
Raymond from that room we who don’t leave these noises Wow Oh don’t be would appear on being hit my father had instantly spunked up all over the kitchen who all roxas intro lashes.
A lot better than the people of Cambridge like the dr. Dana hope stretch the rest of the show this I did so I keep it light I’ve had the aging process extremely difficult to the building tears for I think a lot of middle-aged men get very angry with young people and I’m not one of those men I’ve seen the kids a nice time it’s prove it to you go hello well shortly hello welcome sweetie they say no one offers you a flyer.
Won’t stop like a little frog some.
Shapes masteries.
In a shop called fcuk about three months ago I should have been in there Lucy look at the state of pretty depressed about the close-fitting name me being too old for them or too fat for them or too tall for the most really pretty low when I realize the backgrounds of song playing from my youth and it made me happy in an instant I saw my back called dead or alive members are alive for one thing on my mind right it was a girl I was totally in love with called nicola francis I was absolutely obsessed with i’m just recite it again for you I saw her about three months ago for the Home Buyers first time in all those years lucky escape me you know every time I walk past her.
For some reason that song seemed to be playing in the background summing up my feelings right it’s not Shakespeare Lucy there’s a simple sentiment you spin me right round baby right round like a Guinness World record baby it’s a music storage system but the Round Round record baby right round here’s the twist round right till realized I wasn’t listening to the original I’m familiar with his work taken a bit of artistic license with the dance classic and reword it in the following way warning and apologies will not let us quote his lyrics essentially he’s changed the words so that now his head spins round when someone goes down get a shot I reacted like this oh no one hit parade but doesn’t know to.
Munching away on each other’s private parts I shouldn’t maybe this is inappropriate but I’m going to do a 42 I don’t make the effort to go down very often that’s someone’s head spinning round that way you want young people seem a 42 year old man licking the vagina but that’s unfolds of a 70.
The mighty oldest block up brings forth.
Glenn Guist absorption he won’t move the that wig aways it’s factory ground a sec you children warning is a poet I used to get with the kid I was briefly an English teacher before I was discovered panic it’s a nice poem you know it’s by 1/4.
This young woman said she wants to.
Become a pensioner and the reason is she thinks her youth has been boring thinks she’s wasted those golden years by being so mad says she wants to make it up to the sobriety of my youth because she’s been worried about how people judge her and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it is only one thing in life you know no one gives a judging you the way that you see when you’re a young person with her so I think wishes she hadn’t waste the time worrying about other people’s opinions but she says that has she can’t wait to become a pensioner because no one gives a what pensioners do for pension tax strangely its brilliance and she says when I’m a pensioner I wear purple all day only toughest for my meals of splitting the street or on my sit-down ravings I’ll swear at people I just have like a lunatic you know and at last I’ll be free it’s a nice sentiment I like because it tells young people just messing about you know get on with life and do what the you want it also paints an incredible picture of old age I think you know if we’re all heading towards a period where at last where ourselves and we’re free then bring on old ages one thought when I first read the poem however if Johnny Joseph met my dad and saw the way that he’s been battling for the last few years she would rip them up put it in the bin he has gone too far exaggerate him and with my beautiful assistants help Emily just come to you one last thing.
In the back of this book I’ve written.
Down a conversation I had with my dad six months ago for he went on holiday with my mum to Spain the song it works if you believe me eleventh made it up I haven’t made it’s a real conversation I just wrote it down I swear on my life right let’s just accept the scene on the man before I tell you more about him you’re gonna be me in the chat I’m gonna be my dad a word-for-word conversation with my dad six months ago no of course not.
Your mother does all right I’m going to why’d you that I’m going to run them by one my arm so that what I need to really big I can bite into tomorrow’s you will love my hometown tells me in anticipation of.
Me coming home he did this he went to my mother’s sheet drawer.
He took out a double white sheet he placed that over his head he went out into their garden and he hid in a bush with a few – giving me then 40 year-old son a bit of a scare my mother is so sick efficient that she decided not to tell him something is she full well knew the medication I’d stayed over at friends house with a sheet on his head in a bush for two hours outside well I’m just felt guilty after two hours for our rounds where I come in love he’s not coming oh thank you love I won’t started to get dreadfully chilly a million examples of truly Full Moon weird behavior I share with you I’ll tell you one more three years ago my sister had a baby Photo Frame first grandchild and our immediate family we are so chuffed you know me and mum drove up to Sheffield that was in the back I think of the back of our heads we thought well this will and this it’s a normal human response from this might be your Queen Elizabeth first grandchild and you behave normally you went to the maternity ward that was my sister with a baby my young sister far as I’m concerned a gentleman my sister is a woman who two weeks ago I was dragging around the garden by her ponytail shouting bad horsey roster it’s not another of a child she’s a girl I’ll tell you now who for 15 years I experienced but erm er inbred oh I would hide my sisters bedroom cupboard she said I would just be falling asleep well it was happening I said what would happen she said the cupboards own straightaway I’ll try to adjust this for you man I’ve been upstairs I’ve been in the kitchen I went to the front you know a patina work out what’s wrong.
With him for years I got my answer one year later we’re sitting around the Christmas table my sister would come home with her baby but my brother-in-law was looking after little Lucy in the other room right we’re sitting around the table dad was reading a broadsheet newspaper for all of Christmas lunch the only reason we knew it was because we could see is flashing Santa hat by drinking nearly three bottles of wine to herself balance face rather put the cat amongst the pigeons she said the word blowjob my mother is very naive lovely she heard the word blowjob this is how she reacted chocolate in the media she’s actually usually what you won’t try this as you know that this is your home I just need you explain to me exactly what a blowjob doesn’t matter I’m just drunk I went back 30 years in time I get me shot my sister was shuffling like.
A dog on parquet flooring never seen a woman look that uncomfortable thought I would pick my liver up I was bootable I stopped laughing when my sister made her decision which was to explain that particular sex act to my mum using the almost forgotten art of mine guys kind of a sexual thing 400 times.
Worse it’s my mom try to understand what was decided her head that she would copy the mind so I how bout your Christmases been erased for me consisted of watching my mother and my sister bitch I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen someone kill a pony with a yes will appear my sister is rather good.
When she realised.
Oh God don’t cut no and she said.
Something I think many women in this room might identify with she don’t know love oh no now I find it hard enough to touch one of those things in my mouth I will swipe my dad summed up 40 years of marriage and all of his Science Skepticism weird behavior with one look I know love oh god no I find it hard enough to touch one of those things let alone put it in my bag fight let go home the last section of my.
Show is called selfish mom not for the reasons I just outlined it’s more selfish because at point.
In this story my mum forces me to tell you something serious and I promise you beginning the show that I wouldn’t you know that it would just be moments in time but get to where I want to get before we all go out of it yeah I have to tell you something serious but I don’t want you to think that this is me hi jack in the end of the show I’m so emotional where we all get to sing we are the world for you now by telling you that my mum is fine everything I’m about to tell you she got through all right however a year after blow job having a massive heart attack my sister was looking after her now two children so she could go home my mum was having an operation to essentially save her life so my dad was on his own so I went home to see him now he’s probably got an idea of my dad oh he’s brilliant dad and he’s dealt with every crisis we’ve ever had with humor right so when I went into the kitchen where he always sits on its little stool I went in expecting to find the sheet man dealing with the situation by making us all laugh and on this occasion I went to the kitchen and I found sitting on the stool a little old frightened man that I didn’t recognize just to be clear it was my dad now I did all right.
But he went No Hey you ain’t no I’m not all right and I’m like oh she’ll be fine she’s in good hands should she’ll be fine and he said look this is the worst thing anyone’s ever said to me and I know loads of you would have heard worse but this is the worst thing in other human beings ever said to me and said I hope you’re right love because about your mother I am nothing went I tried to cheer him up and failed I tried to make him laugh I told you know whatever happens we’d be alright as a family you know all of the things you would say to your loved ones I anyone would say nothing worked and I made him a cup of tea in the end I just you know I walked him upstairs to bed and I talked him into bet ever touch you dad him and I went back to my bed I Crossword Clue felt sorry for three people I Tom Robinson felt sorry for her obviously I 6 Letters felt sorry for him sorry for myself because if there’s a snap to you it will up to you sorry and it’s the realization that your parents are not superhuman and it came to me fairly late in life but it’s like somebody telling you that’s the end of childhood officially back alright so I want to think that night feeling pretty then in the middle of the night something happened to kind of make things a bit better because as I slept in the middle of the night but you roll I suppose it was horrendous in facts were going through that with industrial crops present city she taught my dad at 6:00 in the morning trying to keep as much of it as I could to avoid tired of fall upon my hand in the kitchen all right I’ve just possibly a mums fine brilliant that’s pretty yeah I’m just gonna try that they were I want to watch with you went I just need to pop it was a little worth speak to you now I just need to pop the toilet it’s a mix we do is it Thanks for last night that’s my pleasure yeah you were amazing I said that’s fine damn I’m just gonna pop to take this finished I’m so proud of you I read with you of my week that last.
Magic boy now look at you a mad man the future is Devin at hard times strong so / hey and I win dad yeah that sheet out of my hand without a word he went into our washroom he pushed you into a washing machine he looked at me he said the most beautiful thing that anyone’s ever said to me he said you son kind of like getting a bit of childhood.
Back you know I mean bring me here time loved it so I went to see mum in hospital she was sitting upright in bed after a horrific operation like that god bless the NHS and those miracle workers know you pick nothing it up to it and she was sitting up I did the obvious thing through my arms around told her how great she looked my dad slightly less dimensional he told her how angry he was with having ruined his ghost outfit then he went off to get some tees and soon as he’s gone my mum said can I have a word of course because I want speak to her dad’s not here and I said anything of course she said I’ve woken up I think it was stupid not God asked do you still talk about many dads when you do your shows and I said God I said why did you say that she said you’ll think I’m a stupid old woman by I woke up from the anaesthetic we just with this thought going through my head I thought wife I died maybe he would stop talking about me and I went what I just saw if I wasn’t here you wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about me I said of course I would she’s gonna raise you just cuz you’re not here anymore I’m on she went good luck I really don’t want you to stop it I would never do that she said even the awful stuff enough even that awful blow job storage promise me you’ll keep telling that I said you have my word the Street London united kingdom is outright sucking that means a lot to me which in itself is the strange things