But suck if it is so kind it is a pleasure to be here some of you are asking I wonder how much if this show will be about food wait a bit if you’re here for WikiLeaks jokes the wrong guy I don’t you know I’ve been actually trying to lose weight cuz the shows on TV have been scaring me they have shows where they take big people and they throw them in vans and they put them in camps didn’t that happen before in history come back we have nutrition Nazi so I see you how about in Chicago hot dog on your face get him to burn you our porker somebody Chicanos set me up a picture undaunted of a Points Plus weight watchers next to a Ice Cream cold stone Creamery I love that picture because it’s everywhere I am in life with the ups and downs of my dieting yeah I mean they like leaving Tim Hortons cold stone feeling guilty oh my guess it’s time to go back to Smart Points weight watchers now I’m leaving Ice Cream weight watchers going I can’t take it anymore Low Point weight watchers is a great organization but they won’t let you buy more points I’m going on acro I am now part of a road splinter organization where you can buy and sell points in the secondary market as needed I’m going to I’m going to Las Vegas here is my credit card but can you try it you’re dieting and you turn on TV and there’s all shows about food they have shows about just one kind of food they have three shows on about they have a show called The New York cake boss this man is the boss of day you are the boss I’ll take I did not know you could arbitrarily make yourself the boss of a fool I am now the boss of my lane Boss Hogg pleased to meet you I.
Don’t think you just made yourself boss I think there has to be a decision made I think the Commission has to meet there has to be sit down we all have decided.
Don’t buddy we’ll be in charge of cakes from West Hoboken the West Irish I don’t ever come to this deal covered in frosting I don’t want his mother to see him like this look what they did to my boy I never wanted this for you Michael I know Santino would have to make cake and Fredo well he’s a cream puff pastry’s now I hate shows once in a while I think if you’re watching and this is me talking I think if you’re watching tank more than one or two hours a week you have to reevaluate your decisions in life I do think this more to do than watch cake John what you doing watching cake you watching cake the last time we came over there we’re all gonna come over and talk to you we’ve written you all letters and then you can do whatever you want I have to take intervention the thing is if these shows don’t change very much I like dynamic shows you know I like watching lost I didn’t understand it but I liked it I like Family Guy Battlestar Galactica I’m a really eclectic taste but the Buddy Valastro cake boss I haven’t seen next week’s episode but I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be about cake I’m gonna tell you what happens somebody’s gonna walk in and need a cake you’re thinking how does he know he’s a Hollywood insider after watching several episodes it’s a template coming and go buddy it’s my son’s birthday I don’t know what to do I need a tank he really likes the movie Shrek can you do anything with that then they interview putting in a very serious sit-down interview and Buddy screams at the TV it was the tenth birthday and I faked it I’ll get him a shock tank how does he think of this it’s like CSI take you now he tells you how he’s gonna make this wreck tank he’ll take two regular five layer cakes call them into life is Shrek then cover it all and a lovely green fondant watch this show you want to play a drinking game whatever he says fondant take the fifteen minutes in the show you will.
Have to call an ambulance oh please don’t say fun downs again we get it you can stop saying fun dot.
It’s like the sheet rock of frosting you build with it I understand though they haven’t Hoboken is amazing and there’s a two-hour line to get into that bakery I could not stand in that line up to me you can feel that they can say whatever they want and I don’t want to hear it standing in a cake line excuse me sir are you waiting in line for cake you have nothing better to do you’re right it’s luck my cardiologist would drive by in beat the.
I didn’t know they sold cake here I.
Thought it was a pharmacy I was gonna get vitamins my Side Effects cholesterol medication and you know what I ain’t waiting in line outside for food I was in Birmingham Alabama and they loved the Phone Number olive garden man now the Salad Dressing olive garden is good the main thing is though you can have all the salads oh you spoiled me they do use a lot of dressing in the salad though I’ve had lettuce like floating and dressing like a dead body Oh God they whacked Islamic and in Birmingham Alabama people are waiting outside to get in the Alfredo Sauce olive garden they think they’re it anyway hey and the nice hostess goes you know what it’s gonna be about two hours is it okay for lunch at the Chicken Alfredo olive garden absolutely I’ll be outside you come and get me make sure you look for me don’t get down at all my sister’s got me a panini maker I don’t like paninis very nice they got it me for my birthday and I tell them don’t buy me anything cuz I don’t want anything you know what I want to give it’s better to give them to receive and the gifts are stupid I was having trouble making sandwiches and you saved me you wanna make a panini get a frying pan put the bread on there put stuff in bread wait five minutes turn it up wait five minutes then punch it with your cuz the bimini it’s so squished you.
Don’t know what’s in ER and it could be vegetables in there Rugel where did a rubella come from we had no arugula when I was growing up my mother never set you on I want you to go out to garden and pick some arugula tomatoes cucumbers arugula it’s a pretentious horrifying vegetable people serve just so don’t look fancy and it’s the Emperor’s New Clothes of vegetables people don’t want to speak up spit it out at the table why do you it’s arugula it works with the rest of the salad yes it does the bitter with the dirt taste makes me grateful for the rest of the salad then I would never leave hey I had a panini with roasted eggplant in it I know eggplant I think you I know eggplant there’s two ways to make it parmesan that a member of the family taught you how to I confront people at the supermarket I don’t know skews I’ve seen you have that eggplant in your hand you got like your aunt Marie’s recipe or something no just I looked up on the internet there was this Loretta put it down go get some Martha Stewart makes me laugh she gives.
You instructions to make stuff I’m waiting for or her to go one day today we’re gonna build a pyramid based on the ancient Pyramid at Giza she says things doesn’t she say like start with the directions where you go well ain’t making this like okay break out your Open Fire chestnut roasting pants honey where’s the Christmas Song chestnut roasting pan I’m not much of a cook I will admit that like you know I eat out and that’s it’s very hard to be know you eat more calories when you eat out it’s a proven fact and I didn’t even I didn’t even have a toaster I just bought a toaster recently and well I had one but I toasted low carb bread and it exploded so I go to buy another toaster I didn’t want in trouble I went to a nice store and talked to this nice young lady I saw a toaster for $49 I said I’ll take this toaster it was a lovely toaster as toasters go and she said to me could I have your name and address no you can have $49 and I will take this toaster and that’s really all I planned on today what do you say she goes we really do want you in our system but I’m not adopting the toaster is this like a foster toaster program is it a sign once I walked out the door with this toaster you’re never gonna see it they want your email they want sad tragic remember when you could buy shit and walk out the door I tell my nieces and nephews that they don’t believe me know you used to buy stuff and walk out the door and they didn’t ask any Oh Uncle John you tell funny stories to make people laugh I used to buy stuff leave and that’s all that happened to tell my brothers and sisters back me tell them you used to buy stuff and leave they go oh don’t fill their heads with nonsense so I go to buy my $49 toaster and it’s easy for me to say that I have lost my cherub like demeanor she said to me would you like to buy the warranty for the toaster no it’s $49 I think I’m going to absorb the risk on this one but this toaster should break in god forbid that day should come I’m gonna take another 49 dollars out of you buy another toaster cuz that’s how I went to Bed Bath & Beyond very nice store but I go without a coupon just to freak them out they don’t understand cuz everybody has coupons a lot of you have them on you like Willy Wonka’s golden my sister’s have stacks of them they have a holster for Bed Bath & Beyond coupons one time I was with my sisters and they were at the other end of the store and they saw me at the cash register they knew I didn’t have a coupon they jumped all the people they trampled them you have one.
this lady thinks it’s let’s make a deal Bath & Beyond coupon one time I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and.
I didn’t have a coupon people talked about me in line he doesn’t have a coupon is he all right you don’t think he’s dangerous do you one lady felt sorry for me you don’t have a coupon do you know how to get home is your name in your jacket have money is the original coupon it says In God We Trust don’t you trust God I will say one thing about Bed Bath & Beyond and I do shop there they are not fussy about the coupon they’re not looking for expiration dates it could be from linens things and they you could write coupon on the back of the Snickers wrapper and they will swipe it I got a Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon in the cashier give us me a coupon and this is how it went now life is precious and we’ve got to make the most of it and I don’t have time for useless ridiculous things and she said you don’t have a coupon I said no she said well here’s one thank you here it’s silly isn’t it wait’ll I tell you what happened when I bought the TV I needed a TV and buying a TV is always such a joyous thing for me because when I was a kid we had five channels on our TV two of them didn’t work people say these people pissed me off don’t have to say it in front of me and I have a cherub like tamina but this makes meet my eye twitch we were when we were kids and you know we didn’t know it because I was poor and I was certain up after the fourth line of Franken beans I would say hey we’re poor sort of be able to go in and buy a nice TV just I you know I count so many things as blessings and just another wonderful thing in my life and I had a great attitude then they started talking to the salespeople and they said okay you’re going to buy this TV you need a Power Strip surge protector okay I don’t know what a surge is I called my brother-in-law they said I need a certain protector what I do he said by a Battery Backup surge protector you need one they’re about $200 if you have high-end electronic equipment it might save your equipment one day if there is a surge I hadn’t asked the neighbors about surges but I bought it was one for $200 they go no you don’t want this one I don’t even know why it’s out here then they brought me over to the 500 all the one they didn’t say he wants a 500 all a Tripp Lite surge protector I said break down what does a 500 dollar 6 Outlet surge protector do apparently there can be a lightning bolt from Mount Olympus that hits my condo and I’ll still be able to watch The Las Vegas cake boss they said this Extension Cord surge protector is so.
your condo could blow up and the TV will still be on the condo blows up I don’t give a shit about the TV I have other things in my mind like funeral arrangements so I bought the $200 one now they don’t like me I bought a $2,000 TV because I’m not home very much and I want a nice TV they said ok he bought the $2,000 TV what about sound said I would like it to have sound could I have sound me they sold me one of those $2,000 sound systems in it’s very good at my house sounds like a movie theater but it’s driving me insane telephone rings on the TV I get up to answer the phone I’ll put down 80 times in three hours this is not watching TV this is Pilates.
Rip it out then they said then they said okay would you like to buy the Phone Number extended warranty can they try to scare you they go yeah you really should get the Credit Card extended warranty it’s only manufacturers limited warranty and it’s just for six months and that expires huh we gotta bring our guys in and we have to bring our guys in for at least a week sometimes we have between two and four guys we might have to send the TV to Japan could cost eighty thousand dollars you could lose your the TV cost $80,000 to fix I would throw it away and save seventy eight thousand dollars well I told you they didn’t like me and then the guy said I just really think is just this is just cut like everyone does it’s just sign here I said now what do I need an American Express extended warranty for you said well in case the TV breaks the TV’s gonna break I’m not buying it his eyes went dead nobody ever questions and we just sign on the dotted line and it’s wrong I was gonna stick up for all of us and said the TV’s gonna break I’m not.
Buying it he said sir this is one of the best TVs in the store then what do I need New Car extended warranty for case of TV break the TV’s gonna break I’m not playing it it’s not gonna thank you son of a bitch hold your voice down Mercedes Benz extended warranty just buy a warranty you got the money I saw you on Last Comic Standing that wasn’t me you can’t even keep your big guys right now what do I need an Best Buy extended warranty for he just said shut up inside I said get your ass outside we went outside and we fought it didn’t take very long it was a tie my mixed martial arts days are over very silly I took a step back I said a little prayer to myself I’m a better person than this why am I so mad and I looked at him and I said what do I know it’s gonna break I’m not buying it it’s not gonna break I swear to god sir I’ve been here seven years not one is broken I mean Land Rover extended warranty for in case you’re taking cracks are you fat and stupid that’s what I beat the hell out now I drag them back in the store and I.
Flip them over I step on his chest I said what do I need an Home Depot extended warranty for you said in case your TV breaks let me give you some air I want you to know although you may not live through the day I admire your tenacity what do I need an Route 66 extended warranty for we get a hundred all the bonus if you buy it well then I’ll take let me help you out I wish we had more lights we could just.
Put one in my ass and put me in a front lawn in a Santa suit next special we need 50 more lights or I’m walking the first show went very well and my producers and director life we got it you can play around a little bit you know say some different things you’ll be sorry I might Riverdance who know we didn’t clear Riverdance well yeah huh you know I don’t like to be scripted.
As a stand-up I have certain bits but I like to kind of make it casual all right honey I’ll get back to the special now I went to a health and Sport Center fitness place I.
Went to a health and Center 2010 fitness place yes and I had a stress test in bloodwork and I go to this doctor they’re wonderful lady but my stress tests in my blood work are good and she’s shocked I mean at least be a little happy don’t look like horrified I don’t have anything bad this is how she told me she I guess she’d bet the over I don’t know.
Is your show these are gun your blood pressure’s 112 over 70 we’ll have that checked it must be Celsius can we have a little joy and gratitude being healthy the doctor of this health and Mountain Top fitness place told me one thing she looked at me very seriously and you know I’m not getting any younger and can I was nervous for a minute and she said did you know that you’re allergic to wheat and I looked at her and said but I’m a wheat farmer I’m allergic to wheat and I thought oh well I can’t harvest wheat anymore I’m hanging up my sickle coz don’t friends call you in the fall and go we’re harvesting this weekend you never miss I can’t I’m allergic then I got wait a second you make flour out of wheat perhaps I should inquire further I said what does this whole wheat thing mean to me break down she said well do you eat a lot of gluten I don’t know what gluten is but I would say yes I’m fairly certain I’m mostly gluten and she said well you should avoid anything with gluten in it I said okay thank you and started to leave the room and I said what has gluten in it you know it has gluten in it bag every reason to wake up in the morning I’m looking at this ding of things to avoid and I said check again maybe it’s just she told me to go try gluten-free.
now if you I went to a Stores Near health food store which was a new experience for me and now I like shopping at Store Near health food stores and if you want to know where the gluten-free stuff is look for a gentleman with a gun in his mouth cuz bullets are gluten-free have you tried gluten free food it needs gluten I don’t know what gluten is but apparently it’s delicious and you need to put that back in there I tried the gluten free pasta and at this point I’m thinking I hope they make a gluten substitute like a sweet and gloopy or I can’t believe it’s not gluten yeah I think we have people here that know pasta boiled you want my pasta you boil boiling water 10 minutes or less little olive oil a little salt gluten-free pasta 90 minutes enjoy then I tried to gluten-free bread and it.
Made me long for low carb bread and tried to toast it broke the toaster should have bought the warranty because the search.
so I shop now with these Store New health food stores on the road and there’s some healthy things that I like some people there have boundary issues they walk up to me and one lady said to me do you like your beef cruelty-free oh yeah no take that cow to Disney World put them on the rides get a Mickey years with pictures and whack them on the way didn’t you like taking a picture with make put it right you have to bitch you like the picture alright don’t turn around now vegetarians I completely understand you have health issues with it you have ethical issues completely understand some vegetarians said to me but I’m a vegan Oh what is that what is that what you do they lose their vegans go to the store and they buy 50-pound bags of almonds and they make it into stuff wish they could eat they don’t have a stove they have a play-doh Fun Factory what you making there it’s a pork roast I went to a Store St health food store and it is not lost on me that people on a limited income can cannot eat healthy and I hope we work to change that in the future I’ve been well is it true I tried to eat berries a lot because I really liked him in the are part of the super food group I picked up berries that were 15 dollars and I went wow I wanna taste what a fifteen dollar strawberry is these better be great strawberries I better not see any marks or anything they better be ripe there should be Belgian diamond merchants in the back looking at these strawberries what do you think of this la belle is are they this is a good smelling I’m not saying it’s a sixteen dollar store but it’s a good strawberry a lady in the vitamin section a beautiful lady walks up to me and said do you clean your colon and I’m taking she’s hitting on me what’d you have in mind baby I said no I have a colon cleaning lady she comes to me she’s been with us for years she’s like we can’t let Doris go someone asked me if I tried yoga while living in LA have you tried yoga you know they have gentle I tried gentle yoga you walk in they go take your head and stick it in your ass I don’t want to put my head in my ass it’s dark and scary in there and there’s so much gluten in there what if I have an allergic reaction and it gets stuck trying to find your EpiPen with your head in your ass hey goes you can’t put your head between your legs just do what you can well I took a nap cuz they gave me a man I try to do this on the road though.
These healthy things I was in Des Moines Iowa I’m usually in places between two and six days I’m in Des Moines Iowa nice people I enjoy the performances but there’s not a lot to do during the day I always make the most of it on the road but the third day the owner of the club says to me matter-of-factly you know there’s a red festival in town about a thousand red boots at the fairground would you be interested in something like that get in the car so we go to the Iowa State Fairgrounds and it’s filled with ribs I had my monogrammed ribs that I carry with me on the road well thank God I packed it you should see me in my monogrammed red bib I’m adorable looks like a Bob’s Big Boy I come to have a bottle of Blood Pressure cholesterol medication.
For the dry rub and I’m happy there was a long line but I didn’t think that you know my brain would start because all you could get or half a rack of ribs or a whole rack it’s going to move now people watch the rip boss or a ribs show now everybody’s an expert they’re asking questions to the rib guy what kind of wood do you use in your smoker is this a vinegar-based barbecue sauce.
is your cayenne pepper in this dry rub then I was almost gonna get ribs I had a.
Couple in front of me and then it was me I was home free I was gonna get my ribs and have fun and beat a festival but the couple in front of me they were chatty they wanted friends more than they wanted ribs you know I had to internalize it see they were talking about the fact that they from Nebraska and they had driven there and they’re brand-new Winnebago well it’s not brand new 9,000 miles but it might as well be brand new they bought it from the neighbor across the street his wife had a stroke make them travel much as they had wanted to yeah Evelyn and George had lived with them for over 23 years their kids grew up together they went to the same Grammar School people sent in the Catholic school not that the schools in the area aren’t wonderful they are and then they went on to the Catholic High School they had a very good football team and our sons played together now when Mary had the stroke obviou we’re at the hospital every day I think they were done same thing I don’t remember what happened after.
That guess I got ribs I woke up in the woods there were bones everywhere hope I didn’t stalk and kill a deer that would be awful last year I went on a tour of Canada and it was amazing I love Canada I will work there forever it is a lot of traveling and it is becoming and harder to fly now first of all the restrictions are draconian at this point they want you to check you in I’m going to Las Vegas they just stare they punch in the computer and then they say go check in over there there’s a machine check yourself and I’m going to Las Vegas yeah well check it over there we don’t check people in you checked yourself in you have your Dv Lottery confirmation number do you have your Social Security confirmation number I gave you money and said you would fly me to we had a deal well you have to sure it will tell you how to check yourself in look I don’t work here have to dice the plane to let me load the luggage for you I had a bag that was a pound over was 51 pounds I thought we’re gonna call the take a pound on the bag take a pound on the bag a pot what do you want me to cut a pair of underwear in half yeah here’s now they give you the full body scan.
Some places and I don’t need that I believe you can do it psychologically I believe if someone has something in their ass you can just ask them and they won’t be able to lie you don’t know if they’re lying because you ask them out of the blue so going to Las Vegas today I love Vegas when I god what did I stay the last time what show stupid shit is something a sock it wouldn’t let me pack him.
so last year I flew all over Canada and well actually we drove a lot of it too which I enjoyed we drove to Prince Edward Island do you want to know what Prince Edward Island is it’s at the end drive until you’re done and you’ll see a bridge go over the bridge in right there and we had a thousand people on Sunday Monday and it was so touching I’m thinking this is like everybody and they couldn’t have been nicer people there’s it’s not a big town there’s like 12 stores and the main drag it’s a beautiful place to go if you want to get away and quiet it’s a beach community and there were ten and of Continuing Story green gables gift shops Watch Anne green gables is early 1900s it’s a book young ladies would read I guess it’s a nice thing you read it growing up Prince Edward green gables gift shops and half of them are candy stores you know because you can’t make money just off Anne of Edward Island green gables the franchise isn’t big as it used to be older ladies dress from the early 1900s in jumpers like twelve-year-old girls and they’re all walking towards you with candy samples and it gets creepy it’s kind of like the Thriller video but I highly recommend it as a place to.
Go and meet nice people I was in Ottawa and they asked me if I ice skated I said oh yes I am a skater I competed in my younger days I was short and sassy – for Dorothy Hamill people skate there they skate all day they skate so long they have snack stands on the ice and on these snacks fans they sell these things called beaver tails in their giant Powdered Sugar fried dough and they cover it in hot fudge in M&Ms they make you skate to it and I’m standing at the edge of the ice like the kid from up I waited three days they said no you.
Have to skate it’s tradition I waited three days and I couldn’t take it anymore so I put skates off and they pushed me and I skated it was and I didn’t do once one block around or once around I went right to the Deep Fryer fried dough Stan didn’t wanna mess around and I was gonna make it to the Funnel Cake fried dough there was a family in the way my mom dad and two little kids he should have been in the way of the fried down they turned around and they saw me you know what I saw in their eyes you know like oh he’ll stop.
I couldn’t and I get and they went down like a set of bowling pins but I bought them all Baking Powder fried dough while the paramedics looked them over so it worked out pretty good ice-skating is now on my list of things in life I never care if I do again it’s like an anti bucket list it rhymes with bucket I can tell you that hiking if I’m not ice-skating I’m hiking.
What do I think of hiking you hike down a mountain yeah hide down the ravine horrible story start with well we were hiking and you ended up in North Korea didn’t you why were you hiding cuz people do this in LA all the time oh we’re sick of the city we’re hiking do you know how to hike well no but we have new boats I’m tired of anybody that gets new boots and a compass thinking they’re a hiker happens every year doesn’t it do people go out new boots compass and they get lost then they to have sent 200 people out to find and tend to those poor bastards get lost thousand poor bastards out to get down ten thousand people I’m looking for two assholes with boats right now my director is going to okay.
Well we can beat that that’s okay even the food that’s for hiking oh they have those power it’s not like protein bars they’re not good and I’m chewing on them in my brain is going why are you eating this they have to make it honest they have to call it like an eat this or die boy I went hiking once that would have killed for a roasted eggplant panini oh I got one of my crazy friends health nut she goes I made my own Mix yes trail in the name they taste like trail I had this I was sure I’ve been into a twig I’ll tell you what do they put M&Ms in there to fool you so you’re about to spit it out you know halt wait I know mmm oh wait that’s it I make my own trail mix now it’s a one pound bag of eminence I went on a little vacation to st. Maarten it’s a beautiful island it’s French half Dutch magnificent beaches a running theme in my life as the airlines losing my luggage well they managed to do it once again now they’re on a lot of big and tall in st. Maarten so I bought an extra large shirt at the gift shop that worked out okay and went up to about here it was so hot I had jeans on and I.
Couldn’t take it anymore after the second day I cut my jeans off and I cut them too short sorry you have to be in the front row for this friend I mean a home like an HBO documentary he walks the streets of st. Martin there was a group of Japanese tourists net saw me I always fascinate Kappa knees tourists they saw me to get out the cameras right how come you’re dressed like a hooker.
Do know you conceal berry you can see his Barry let me rub your berry I rub his belly.
Now they had this fun little water thing I had long put on my nameday list well you know waterskiing and parasailing but they had this thing called a banana boat it’s a giant inflatable banana it’s fun but it’s unstable like most of the people in my life it’s pulled by a motor book now they had two bananas going out at once very popular ride so I look like a hooker no use being on land now I go in the giant banana now I’m on a French speech and they’re going crazy they think it’s kind of a Cirque de Soleil thing so big guy dressed like a hooker on a giant banana the downs in this year do so I get on the begin and I was having fun but the boat took a hard left and I flew off the banana into the other banana and I look over and it’s that poor family from now the mad they don’t even have fried.
Dough here why are you being so mean two summers ago I had the pleasure of performing at the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland and I thought what a huge blessing this is to work in Scotland I started stand-up 25 years ago in Boston Massachusetts it has been a wonderful journey it really has and I thought Scotland just another blessing that this occupation has given me but everything great in my life has attached my manager is been my manager for 20 years he’s my best friend he’s one of the smartest people I know but not this time he forgot to read the contract I’m gonna work 26 out of 27 nights in Scotland that’s too many from I remember I’m used to being in places between two and six days after the third week in Scotland my brain is screaming at me why did you move to Scotland 26 out of 27 nights.
It rained every day it was the worst ring since the time of William Wallace known as Braveheart he loved ice but no everyman husband umbrella the Scottish dialect had to give a pretty good here for dialects it’s very thick when they’ve been drinking which is quite a bit we didn’t want to go now you can either need you’ve got it now but every day think about every day for I would wake up it would be raining and I would be in Scotland it’s like the movie Groundhog Day I’m calling up old girlfriends apologizing take the curse off of me now that being said if you go in just for the Edinburgh Festival go just don’t go 26 out of 20 seven nights they rented me an apartment in the apartment had a futon bed you know what a futon bed is it’s a little more comfortable than a yoga mat that’s all it is there ain’t much to it some of you have futon beds and I actually like futon beds cuz they’re honest they have fu rate in the name there’s so many cool don’t people call you and go we’re coming to visit it’s gonna be Taste of Chicago we’re gonna come to visit hmm sure you can sleep on the futon you know if you have a futon for your guests they won’t be staying long after the third day I had sciatica I was and they made you walk David didn’t pick you up he wasn’t in the contract I said well where is the venue they said well you can se it from here then you can Ewok it from here it wasn’t a walk it was more of a hike can you know how much of an adult’s.
Are you looking I used to be a comedian master says I must build a joke I walked in to a sandwich shop and it’s not like our sandwich shops here they’re cheap with the toppings you know how like they load stuff up in a sub shop here now can I have tomato I’ll pay extra they think oh he’s a big guy he can’t jump over the counter well they’re wrong I’ll be over that counter before they can look up my tomato on there black olives on a sandwich how much of black olives you have pretend to sprinkle them like fairy dust open your hand Harry Potter they gave me a fried Snickers bar no how was that what was peaceful I walked towards a bright light after the third day of eating in pubs I was going can I just get in the room to it was a Chinese buffet in Scotland now I don’t go to buffets much anymore the health reasons and restraining orders but feel I was singled out a number of times but I’m not gonna fight it I know when I’m wrong and I started comedy in Massachusetts and I put a few guys out of business well me and a few friends what if one Chinese buffet owner from where I started comedy moved to Edinboro with a lot of bad memories and he rebuilt his life in his business and then I walk into his buffet 20 years later father the forbidden one has returned.
You think we forget about you son of a.
Bitch we still have your picture you go now again and squeeze that in see I grew up in a predominantly Irish.
And Italian community and my father was a bartender at the irish-american and that’s why I first like learn to like dialects cuz he had friends from Ireland and I get listen to them and they tell me all wonderful stories about growing up in Ireland it was quite fascinating and but you know what honesty is part of their culture and they said you’re a good boy but you’re the faucet is dead I don’t want to frighten you but if you’re too far pee and just won’t be able to carry it to heaven actually my dad’s friends from Ireland gave me the best diet advice I ever had I’m gonna give you a diet that’s gonna work for your whole life and it is you know cuz I’ve been up and I’ve been down and I feel pretty good now and he said it’s the only thing that’s ever worked write it down so good toys stop if you see and it looks all sweet and tasty well then keep walking get a fast bike that would make a good Nutrisystem I’m Tony Sullivan from Nutrisystem sand and 4995 will send you big blocks I’m now go up and take a walk the national discipline is called haggis I don’t like to eat anything that rhymes with gigas haggis is sheep intestines with oats and spices they ask you every day one of the many things I loved about Scottish people but that they’re fiercely proud patriotic and they ask you every day have your heart hardest yet Oh August is beautiful go get yourself a proper haggis I waited for three weeks I waited till my manager came the gentleman that booked me 26 out of 27 nights I said where should we eat I said we’re having now haggis comes with a whiskey gravy that helped it didn’t have whiskey in it like is that whiskey in here it had whiskey in it like did I call you last I am NOT drunk I am having –