Let me tell you about the last time I.
Was in Montreal it was in the wintertime my friend says John we’re going skiing now I don’t ski nobody’s ever looked at me and when you ski don’t no I wouldn’t ski but I’ll go and look at the mountains and everything but no they gave me tequila now apparently after the fifth shot of tequila think you can ski they should have a warning on the label a chubby guy skiing with a slash through it after the tenth shot thought I was peekaboo Pinet and I didn’t have a ste shoe surprise but they bought the one it was what that’s my color I look like an avalanche they’re evacuating the lot I didn’t ski they basically just pushed me off mom Gabrielle that’s when I learned how to speak French she was sending me Linda Gus was here I fell down the mountain I get to the bottom of the mountain and I’m covered in snow nearly lifeless little kid walks up to me and goes Frosty’s dead and he was crying I didn’t want him to cry so I had to get up you know there must have been some magic in that old silk a foul open the ambulance doors please I’m.
Gonna need percocets in a PEZ dispenser no skiing not for me from now on they asked me to go skiing I say Nene and it’s not friends my family they like to do things me to see what will happen to me and summertime sports the activities water skiing that’s another Nene the boat just pulls you I didn’t even stand on the skis and what’s like snorkeling underwater really fast I heard a shark oh what the hell that’s a Nene I’ll try and baking it whitewater rafting what a thinking you little raft listen they if it doesn’t have a casino and a buffet it ain’t seaworthy I the white what we’re going down on the.
River I was like can we bang against the rocks one more time I still have cartilage left in my right knee that’s a neigh-neigh at the beginning of the month my family took me to a water park now I like to swim swimming is my exercise I frolic but there are rides at the park horrible Nene rods the first ride we went on was the giant slide it’s like 20 stories high and I’m looking for the elevator this is no elevator how you get up there it’s $35 to get in you should carry my ass up there get up I’m flip-flops in the speedo and I’m walking up a mountain let’s not visualize just let’s move on.
I’m walking up this thing and I’m a little bit afraid of heights and I’m a halfway up I’m going mica Heidi went by with her grandfather I don’t know highway I got to the top of the slide was it a slide Nene and I have slid when slide you go whee this is not what happened would I didn’t slide at no point did my butt touch slot you reach around and you’re not touching slide that’s a freefall I was not issued a parachute I’m falling and I see my family walking up I’m young it’s nice and I hit the water Oh God those people shouldn’t have been there pop out of the water in here my.
Baby where’s my face attention the next ride was the giant tube now it was a medium to bat best and it narrowed significantly and I found out when I get nervous I swell it was a very tiny tool not giant I’m not too big the tube was too small but they shoot you right through they have like water cannons and you’re supposed to just plop gently into the pool I shot across the pool you know in Free Willy when he jumps over a kid I cleared for there were some tourists here from Japan god bless them I made their vacation they videotaped it 4-3 we sang cool now.
We have it on videotape I’m flying across the air it’s kind of funny I got the soundtrack from fury into it so you see me flying you hear that Michael Jackson song from free RiRi who need like the river Jordan knew I should have started with the.
Impressions I liked that much I saw modest regard a booking bar top hello odd man so they follow the pattern although and you know cuz I got nowhere to go that’s why I won’t here’s a quick impression this is an.
Ewok from Return of the Jedi if you didn’t see Return of the Jedi you won’t like this one day you might see it and go that was a very good impression I said see more movies this is my Ewok now let me finish up the waterpark story.
As it was one more ride it was a medium slide I thought it would be a fun slide my butt touch slide but the pool that you went into was too short and you pick up steam well I had your plane to cross the pool I went through the fence out into the parking lot way out there I crawl back up to the gate they want me pay to get in again listen Paulo in a speedo you see a wallet anywhere you said I don’t even see the speedo I moved to Los Angeles so I bought a.
Condo a little condo now I have to go shopping for the condo I’m not a good shopper and I just started shopping randomly and I knew the first thing I bought was gonna be ugly I don’t want any trouble I went in and bought a toaster and the lady said could I have your name and address no I have this money and I’m taking this toaster now you don’t need my name and address I’m not adopting it I’m purchasing it I might throw it off a building after I leave here she asked me she said would you like to buy the warranty for the no I think I’m gonna absorb the risk on I’m not a gambler but I’m feeling lucky if this toaster should break and God forbid that day should come I’m gonna take another $39 out of my pocket and buy another toaster cuz that’s how I live on the edge now after I got the condo all filled up.
They sent me back out on the road and I toured Canada and it’s been a pleasure tour in Canada it really has been the first date in Canada was Ottawa in January that’s the best time to go it’s not all touristy in January the hotel rates are favorable my suite was $39 or you could give them a toaster either one they don’t care but Auto is a beautiful city and they have people in the river freezes in people skate on the river it’s beautiful to watch and they have these snack bars on the ice and they sell these things called Bow Grip Food Truck beaver tails you applauded for beavertails you really are my people you have to state the people’s James’s.
Skate to the Knife Sheath beaver tail now the Survival Bracelet Blue Mountain beaver tails it’s like this big it’s a Powdered Sugar fried dough of death thing it’s all your Points Plus weight watchers points by the way I had to buy other people’s points in my group last lesson I am NOT an official Smart Points weight watchers representative I’m part of a rogue splinter organization where you can buy and sell points in the black so you have ice-skate to the Canadian Living beaver tail which is just cruel you can smell the Assault Pack Niagara Falls beaver tails you can smell the Deep Fryer fried dough from your hotel room and was making me crazy so the third day I was like give me ice I stated to the Ice Fishing beaver tail and there.
Was this nice family from Ottawa a mom dad and two kids and they’re in front of the De Castor beaver tail stand I just remember that look in their eyes.
like oh well you’ll stop I couldn’t and I didn’t cost me some tickets to the show that night I’ll tell you that and I bought them all Niagara Falls Elephant Ears beaver tails while the paramedics looked them over I’m not an outdoors person either I like the lake I like to go swimming in the ocean that kind of thing but it’s a no hiking is a walk that sucks you know what you do when you walk I love to you walk to the movies you walk in the mall you’re walking the park hiking you hike down the ravine you hike up a mountain you were hiking and you found a dead body my friends took me hiking and when we got to the lake there was a kayak kayaks are now on my list I don’t even what is it a canoe for people with no friends mine didn’t move I’m not too big the kayak is Danah pull me out like a champagne cork we got him and I’m wedged in this kayak if I fart in this kayak it’s gonna have a thousand-meter kill radius it’s gonna go off like a claymore mine I was in Jamaica and they lost my luggage and by the way Air Canada I’m flying Air Canada Morrow very good airline lighten up at the check-in yeah Oh seriously Darius think it’s yeah excuse me I’m going to New York and check-in over there at the machine I’m going in New York there’s a machine over there do you have your Dv Lottery confirmation number Jeff your Social Security confirmation number what you do you just point at the machine all day I’m gonna buy them a sign checking that machine in the way your ass off my bag was a kilo over oh my god take the kilo put it on the bag put a kilo out of the bag waiter I came out what am I gonna do cut a pair of underwear in half if a kilo makes a difference in this bag going on that plane I’m not going on I was in Jamaica and the airlines lost.
My luggage I won’t say what airline but they lost my luggage and there’s not a lot of big and tall in Jamaica I bought an extra large shirt and I had jeans on I cut the jeans too short alcohol was involved in this decision oh I look like the world’s least successful hooker I’m not bragging there was a ride in Jamaica called a Tanning Oil banana boat it was an Ring Toss inflatable banana and there were three of them going out at once and it was actually fun and I was dressed like a hooker so I wanted something to take my mind off things so I got him this Toss Game inflatable banana and in the motorboat pulls and it was a lot of fun so the motorboat took the hard left and I went sailing off the Aloe Vera banana boat into the other Spf 50 banana boat and there’s that poor family from Ottawa you know like there’s not even a people can stand here why are you following us when I was in Los Angeles I went to the doctor and I’m you know I’m getting older and I wanted to make sure that I was okay for road the doctor did a blood test a stress test and blood pressure and they were really good now the doctor looked at me shocked she goes these numbers are good she goes did you know you’re allergic to wheat I did not know that the next time one of my friends call me and say John we’re going week picking would you like to come I’ll have to say no the doctors said I was allergic then I thought wait a minute maybe I should ask questions wheat is flour I said what does this sweet thing mean she said do you eat a lot of gluten I don’t know what gluten is but yes I would say yes I think I’m mostly gluten to be honest with ya I don’t know and she gave me a book of things that have gluten in it you know it has gluten in it every day I said check again maybe it’s just cancer I didn’t take it well have you tried gluten-free stuff it needs clothing if you want to know where the gluten section is in your local supermarket look for someone with a gun in their mouth cuz bullets are gluten free then I tried some gluten-free bread I immediately asked for gluten spread so that I might reintroduce the gluten I hope they make I can’t believe it’s not the gluten-free bread doesn’t toast it broke the toaster I should have bought the warranty I love you Montreal thank you