The nutritionist it’s tough to eat well on the road there’s a lot of late-night eating and that’s I went to one nutritionist I walk into his office he says well the good news is you can have all the salads you want that is good I was nervous I came in here thinking please God anything don’t take away my salad how will I live without mixed greens you mean I can have all the radicchio I want stop I’m getting a chubby hey wanted me to eat salad as the faux salads not Best Fast food salad comes with the food you go out you order a steak what do they bring you a salad they don’t even charge you for it cuz I ain’t worth anything cuz I mean Healthiest Fast food salad is a promissory note that food will soon arrive I never learned to think of salad as food if I see a salad I go something good is gonna happen soon I’ll wait and I’ve been on diets for over 20 years off on and every part of a diet has been salad so I see a salad and there’s not a lot of joy there I’ve all good a salad would you like on your salad Haagen Dazs melt the haagen-dazs to look like ranch just do it my nutritionist said how about steamed vegetables that’s heated salad I don’t want that either one nutritionist recommended sushi is high in protein low in calories there are some wonderful dishes Japanese food has aesthetics great presentation but sushi its wrapped in now that’s ocean salad I’m not eating that and you’re not supposed to eat seaweed I picked that out of the crack of my ass at the beach I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to eat that I never went to the beach and went hey honey we got sandwiches here hold on what are you getting pizza for I hope that’s not how it’s harvested sumo wrestlers up and down the beach in Osaka I’m a fool now I mean coming in I went to an this herbalist lady she said to me are you a vegetarian not in the strictest definition like I’m trying to be a vegetarian like I don’t evil but he I’ll kill him on the Primary Academy front lawn he’s got to go actually I don’t even feel because it gave me nightmares I dreamt the mother cow came into the restaurant while I was eating veal parmesan she walked in have you seen I’ll help you look for and let me get a doggie bag so no veal and I used to Lion Fell love lamb chops heroes my favorite Oh lamb hmm my friend owns a farm I go up to the farm he has livestock he gives me a baby lamb to hold it falls asleep in my arms I love lamb he says to me it fell asleep and trusts you it has very poor judgment then I bid it rate in the ass no I’m holding this lamb knowing I’m never gonna have him again and he said would you like to see the cows now hell no I’ll see them at McDonald’s he have buddy up – everybody at once this herbalist told me she said for the first month I want you to – juice I don’t know what that means juice is not a verb what do you want me to do she wanted me just to have juice she sold me a juicer I thought it was a wood chipper you can juice stuff I didn’t know had juice in it and I don’t do well on just you sterday I juiced a ham.
She called me up how’re you doing I’m juicing let me get this Krispy Kreme in here we’ll be good to go and then she said to me I bet you have a block : now horrible visuals came to mind I’m thinking how we gonna unblock this bad boy here attach this to your garden hose see I have neighbors I’ll get a letter from the homeowners association please do not clean your colon on Landscaping Ideas front lawn signed all of us she said it’s very easy to cleanse your colon she said you’re juicing right yeah take these verbs put them in your juice three times a day after a month your colon will be clean I don’t know what was in the herbs but I called her an hour and a half later from the bathroom hey Happy Birthday crazy lady I’m sending back the rest of the herbs mission accomplished my colon is clean I swore a quarter when I was seven $50 came out my ass hit the jackpot when I walk I.
Whistle now sounds like I have cm fear master the pan-flute my ass I tried the low-carb thing now people have gone low-carb hysterical understand I weigh too many carbs and pasta bread a big problem for me and I really have to cut back but people think in LA with like they’re all skinny you know eat a piece of bread but what if this stuff will that bad for you I would have been dead ten years ago trust me relax and I tried the low-carb bread have you tried it it’s horrible I tasted it I thought the rapper was still on it it’s not like it went bad and never went they have I can’t believe it’s not butter this is she call a dis ain’t bread cuz it looks like bread but it has no other properties of bread I said you know what I’ll butter it that’ll make it better but it won’t go on it slides right off the butters like were you jam and jelly beats up and falls off it if they Scotchguard this at the factory you know what I’ll do let’s look I’ll toast it I’ll make a salmon I’ll toast it it’s better when you’re toast it doesn’t toast they can’t toast it how about the garage with a blowtorch it’s absorbing the heat like a space shuttle time how does this breakdown in your system if you can’t toast it ain’t gonna take me up at five thousand years ago who’s on that low-carb thing see that disk we’ve seen a lot of these the Phase 1 atkins diet I mean there’s some people that have had a lot of success with the Food List atkins diet it just didn’t work for me they said after a week you won’t have any Dr Oz carb cravings no I was hallucinating after a week every time the doorbell rang I thought it was Pizza Hut come to save my ass is that them I had Late Night carb cravings when you drive by a bakery and you jump out of a moving vehicle that’s called a craving and I had horrible nightmares I dreamt dr. Phil was outside my house John come out here and exercise you can’t be big if your lifestyle won’t allow it get off my lawn John come out here and talk to me cuz it’s not what you’re eating it’s what’s eating you I’m calling the cops I’ve never been like adventurous either although people have always asked me to go on adventures rides pursuits amusements journeys to see what will happen to me that’s their fun my whole life people have said to me John you have to come along it’s gonna be a lot of fun I have trouble saying no I say nay it’s easier for me every year I get a call John we’re going skiing people want to see me ski John’s he’s funny to hang around let’s put skis on and he’ll be funnier I went skiing a few years ago I wasn’t gonna ski I just want to see mountains the change of seasons I wasn’t gonna ski they gave me I don’t drink to kill anymore cuz it makes me ski apparently after the fifth shot I demand.
My skis where’s my skin I could barely stand they put skis on me they rented me skis they bought me a ski suit it was white it didn’t flatter me I look like an avalanche from the top of the mountain why they evacuate in that village over there now it was my Home Buyer first time skiing so you’d think my Home Buyers first time take me to the little slope we blossom too drunk to stand let’s not take him to the little slope they took me up to mount son of a bitch and they threw me off that mountain I didn’t ski anything I fell down a mountain I don’t even know where the skis went I had to pay for the skis because I never found them I went to the ski rental place they said where the I fell down a mountain I got to the bottom of the mountain a lifeless rat covered in snow a little kid walks up to me crying Frost he’s dead frost he’s dead now other children are gathered round and they’re horrified don’t be dead frosty they’re saying I had to get up if I get up these kids will believe in Santa tiller 27 there must have been some magic yay frosty open the ambulance door frost he’s gonna need percocets in a PEZ dispenser oh when they placed it on his head waterskiing I thought would be okay because water it’s soft Nene not at 40 miles an hour it’s like cement and I can stand up on the skis but then the boat pulled me that’s when things started to go wrong it was like snorkeling underwater really fast I heard a barracuda go what the hell was and I water-ski mostly with my face and I would Bob my head out of the water periodically you know to scream for help it wasn’t an audible scream it came out like killer whales are following they’re curious and a little concerned when everybody’s here who’s that he doesn’t look like us but he sure sounds like us in pain let him go he’s just a baby my friends thought I was being funny John you were so funny when you were bobbing your head on the wall I was laughing I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t breathe either you should have stopped a boat parasailing nen a parrot drag my ass all over Pacific the next time we go parasailing turn around if I’m not up in the air waving stop the bow has picked up by a fishing trawler they are packing they’re nice when they found me John we’re going bungee jumping Nene Johnnie afraid the bungees gonna snap no I know the bungees gonna snap oh the bungee can’t snap it’s a space-age polymer good I’ll take the whole bridge with me everybody will die everybody on the bridge at once bad day my favorite little journey was whitewater rafting have you been if you haven’t been just taking a nice cold shower for a day and hit yourself with a bag of rocks call it whitewater Rock it’s the same thing we went to the Grand Canyon white water rafting thing we took mules down the canyon my mule said Nene everybody got way ahead of me and I’m screaming hold on mine’s not breathing don’t you die on me you son of a bitch clear just see me on the front of PETA now I’m carrying the mule like Shrek I smoked very nice it’s just a donkey they take me to a raging river and they tell me to get in a boat but there’s not a boat there it’s just a rubber thingy when the boat would sink they would put one of these out until a real boat came and got you if it doesn’t have a buffet in a casino and ain’t seaworthy people did this with such joy and it was dangerous nobody cared but me one guy flies out of the boat it’s a lot of fun we dragged him back in and he’s in his head he’s still happy to see that huh yeah and a little blood here oh yeah jeez oh it’s fun though huh don’t let me fall asleep all right I’m gonna have its own bar I’m fine jeez that was fun good have fun I’m at the front of the boat going can we bang against the rocks one more time I still have cartilage left in my right knee and are we gonna swing back around because I left one of my balls on the rock over there Oh an eagle has it forget about it they see a ball he swooped right in my family likes to take me on little adventures they took me to Hershey Park it’s an Cedar Point amusement park there’s Nene rides at the Coney Island amusement park it was a loop coaster Nene I don’t loop I’ve done the math I half loop and gravity says Nene there’s a safety bar Nene there’s a safety bar cause it ain’t safe it’s really a hold on to this you’re gonna die bar in Hershey Pennsylvania they’re running around on the rides he followed me in the gift shop thought I was in Willy Wonka’s factory come with me until see a world of sheer imagination you with half a case of Reese’s we’ll see my nieces and nephews took me to a waterpark I thought that would be okay it’s just water I love to swim but they’re a horrible name they rides there was a giant slide it was 20 stories high no elevator you’d have to walk which piss me off it’s $35 to get in build an elevator you should carry me up there I’m flip-flops in a speedo and I’m walking up this thing let’s not visualize that let’s just move hey I don’t keep you up at night yeah if you get lucky tonight think of me honey hold on I need another viagra oh yeah and you walk up this slide and people yell at if you don’t walk fast enough I’m in no mood for that listen I will find you will disintegrate before you hit the ground do I look happy up here I get to the top of the slide and it’s not a slide and I have slid when slide you go whee this is not what happened I went that’s not a slide that’s a drop and no point in my ass touch slide if you reach around and your ass is not touching slide that’s a freefall you need a parachute you’re gonna die I’m falling I see my family walking up it’s got a slide and I hit the water oh god those people should have been there I pop out of the water and here where’s my baby what is my baby like I need this on my vacation and that slide is called the giant tube now it’s a medium to bad best and I found out when I get nervous you see people come out of the tubes they plop ever so gently look plop we this is that what happened to me I built up pressure I shot across the pool you know like in Free Willy where Willie jumps over the candy I cleared seven kids there was some tourists here from Japan god bless them I made their vacation they thought it was a show oh he’s like a feel weary oh they were very nice but all afternoon you are taking out a picture you again put my son on your back Yoshi get on the one more picture and then I gotta go they have video of it I’m flying across the pool I dumped the soundtrack from Free Willy into it so you see me flying you hear that Michael Jackson song from the movie told me Jordan and I wasn’t sadly enough the last ride at the water park was a.
Medium slide my butt touch slide that was good but the pool was too short I didn’t even go in the pool I hydroplaned across it I went through the fence out into the parking lot and I mean way out there H I J please God let me stop I crawl back up to the gate they want me pay to get in again I said listen I’m in a speedo you see a wallet anywhere he said I don’t even see the he said Nene and then he quit in January I worked in London was my Promo Code first time working there and the people were wonderful I had a good time I got to be a tourist for a few days and I’m a big history buff so London very so rich in history castles the museums it’s a lot of walking if you’re a tourist in London didn’t have go to the gym cuz you walk everything you know what the English I don’t know you can just walk there it’s about a hundred miles Cyril I went to the British Museum I was here for nine hours oh what an amazing cultural experience no I got lost you can’t get out it’s too big and they give you these directions how do you get out of here I’ve been here for hours well just get out to the ancient Greek exhibit and take a left at Lord Elgin tablets if you pass the rosetta stone you’ve gone too far well how do you get out of here people from England were lost they were coming up to excuse me sir have you seen the exits some of the little ones are starting to give up hope we went to Windsor Castle to drop the bus drops you off at the Feet Wide front lawn you know how big the lawn of a castle is the purpose of the lawn is so that in days of yore when armies would invade they would give up before they got across the lawn they invaded from France for hundreds of years they never got to cross that lawn they get halfway gone this is bullshit I can’t even see the castle from here I’m going back to Calais when I went to England I was told that the food was not that good know I talk a lot about food my act but I also realized that it’s not everything in life the foods not good that’s okay I’ll have a great time anyways that being said I mean there was a few problems with the food first of all England’s expensive it makes Disney world look like a nonprofit organization I went over there with some other comics and we went dinner to a nice restaurant to bill with $700 that check comes to the table my friends become astronomers I was we stayed in a very nice hotel but it was closed in between lunch and dinner so this I got no man’s land where you can’t get any food so I walk in after walking nine hours and I’m starving and they said we have tea now I like green tea they said we have sandwiches with the tea okay they served me tea sandwiches somebody already ate most of mine and this one just has cucumber in it that’s pickle that comes on the side of the sandwich take this back and put a sandwich in it then they bring me a scone thingy and it was good for jelly and butter on it bring 37 of these come on eat much around here do you I thought breakfast would be he ordered oatmeal they said we don’t have out there when you porridge have you tried porridge that’s what they used to give out in the Charles Dickens work houses Lisa I want some more porridge that was Goldilocks in the three bears porridge remember Goldilocks said hotter cold I ain’t eatin this shit I didn’t like the part some people loved it and that’s okay I would have a bacon and egg sandwich sounds okay right put the bacon in England it’s all wrong now I know big I think you I know bacon was about this thick and it wasn’t cooked properly when I look at something and go you know what that’s not healthy you can take that to the bank so I wouldn’t eat the bacon and egg sandwich I hate the Green Bean side dish with it a Sweet Potato side dish in the morning for breakfast hash browns home fries perhaps fresh fruit name they give you beans in the morning in England oh good let’s start me off in the morning empty stomach cup of black coffee and now let’s walk me around London for a little while get me all churned up put me in a taxi and see what happens I blew the doors off a taxi they thought it was a balmy I heard the driver slumped over the wheel with sound the gas made thought he had been shot then I heard if he falls again shoot on my command what are you giving me beans for my ass is now considered a weapon of mass destruction later after the beam incident we had Indian food we went to an Indian restaurant from people who were very nice they told me though this is Vanderloo I do not think you know what the desert is not like tandoori it tandoori is mild but this is much hotter than I think that you probably the curried chicken ran through me like a bullet train I wasn’t at the table five minutes where’s the bathroom way over there huh here’s my credit card I’m gonna be a while I don’t think I can pucker my butt cheeks together any more than this Johnny you okay don’t touch me don’t touch me please do not let me go in this lobby I will get a call from the American Embassy mr. Panetta you do know these people are our allies what are they giving me the idiot falls off and there was a long line for the bathroom they served all a curry at once they shouldn’t do that they should stagger it you could hear Indian music coming from the bathroom that’s not a sitar that’s the sound of flames shooting out of your ass I look like the Batmobile moving on to France I worked in France about five years ago I did a movie there Pinet is actually a Crossword Clue french name my ancestry is French and Irish my stomach is Italian but having a English Channel french name in France they don’t care Lumiere was not there when I got off the plane biagas be all guys no I still enjoyed France and I would go again in the food was amazing their reckless disregard for how bad butter is for you never failed to impress me they give you a cheese alot though I had cheese every meal for a week I didn’t do well with that we have for you some of our minds and a1e more cheese I’m pounding Metamucil and beer stein you’re giving me cheese I would like to go the bathroom this millennium some of the French cooking can be very different I went to the hotel best school ever yeah you up the road until 10:00 Doug let’s very limited menu once they had a pigeon that’s a flying rat why are you charging a hundred bucks for a flying rat so some of its very different and I was on a movie set most of the time and there’s catering on a movie set and we would have breakfast but in France they don’t really they have like a croissant that’s it it’s a boxer croissant everybody grabs one and it disappears and breakfast is going like you go where’s breakfast what do you mean it’s over they have croissant a cup of coffee that’s breakfast I have croissant a cup of coffee on the way to where’s breakfast is called potty dazu Meg which means now folk don’t know and the caterer on the set it was like a mom and pop catering thing and they would have one entree for 40 people and sometimes it would serve rabbit 40 people are coming over to your house you go everybody likes rabbit right I was horrified and it wasn’t rabbit disguised as chicken it left nothing to the imagination it’s a buddy little buddies dad you can’t do that you know they serve like a whole fish it I just wasn’t into it I was eating bread you know which is really good for no bread little cheese are we would go out on the weekends and we went on a wine-tasting and I went with a French crew and I went with an attitude you know I drink tequila these people can drink wine for 12 hours and drive a school bus after the second hour the subtle differences in the wine started to elude me red white Boone’s Farm apple they like which ones you do like better than my goals and let doors I don’t remember getting in the car I remember sitting on top of a piano smoking I don’t smoke cause we don’t ever yeah why did he go we’re in the south of France and on the weekends we had off as I said so we go to an Italian restaurant in the south of France and I love Las Vegas italian food for three weeks I’ve been saying we have go to San Diego italian food finally we go to an Italian restaurant and somebody that’s been there for three weeks listening to me oh I love San Francisco italian food is my favorite says next week we should go to Italy well we’ll work and we can’t wouldn’t have time fly to Italy oh no it’s a 45 minute drive from here oh it is well get the car 45 minute drive we’re down the street from the motherland took me 11 minutes an angle bar and she was so not hey I could have ran it in 45 I speak a little Italian – I know how to say sono it means feed me I’m hungry I can say it in 27 languages I can write it in hieroglyphics if I have to I go back in a time machine I want my ass covered and in Italy if you speak a little Italian they like to help you they kind of got a kick out of me in France you have to speak French perfectly I say to a nice hotel in France and I was like excuse me do you know I can get breakfast you know come from Palma Ceia you know what I’m saying you little bastard you’re watching CNN in English where’s so I can so I we went to this little.
Little restaurant and the waiter was the owner his name was Luigi and he got a kick out of me saying sorrow I for my a look at your son of a bitch Jesus owner of a model just happy coming in sandwiches every sale so no I for Martha and we’re gonna feed you you’re gonna explode all over the wall you know what else I could say I could say I’m dying they love that just happy more than I’m a monitor than farming I know waters wanna see him like this more than the family he said I don’t think you’re a mortar devoir me there’s no such thing as an all-you-can-eat buffet in Italy that’s just the way it is I asked him if we could order he said no you’re not gonna order you at first we bring out some food go back to France and pack my stuff I thought he was gonna bring out an antipasto a nice classy thing to do he brought out the pasta fried calamari but they do and your people will to start away planet is that he says now come we take your order you’re not scaring me they brought out food for hours we’re fighting amongst ourselves stop ordering this is enough I didn’t want this I didn’t order this either they just bring in help stuff let’s get out of here halfway through the meal we had a friend with us Timmy he was too skinny he should have come halfway through the meal he died and they kept on trying to feed him they were smacking him what’s about to you don’t like it he’s dead passed out over here what Timmy the third hour you know how when you fully unbuckle your pants a little bit mine went down around my ankles and then we’re coming with more food and I’m trying to get out of there I’m running out in the street with my pants down I’ll get a little exercise and I’ll be back for dinner as it was awesome I like cruises for a vacation yeah I was on a cruise on in June and the crew stopped in Jamaica yeah you’re a good laugh a New Black crazy lady she’s had some laughs that were good but some of them were like I’m gonna kill you well listen to this then you’re have you been to Jamaica yeah in Jamaica and gentleman came up to me and said hey man you want some spleef no I can’t smoke pot if I smoke pot I’ll eat too silent I’m not talking about hitting a buffet or to the island will be gone I’ll be something of folklore I remember it came out of jungle the Great Beast I knew about a store look in his eyes that everything want gum BRE he was a buffalo eater no Buffalo cried I was on a cruise and I had to meet the Marco Polo cruise ship halfway I perform on cruises sometimes I really enjoy it and yeah I it’s a floating buffet so I had me to Royal Caribbean cruise ship in Cozumel Mexico now Cozumel is beautiful but it’s difficult get to I had to fly from Vegas to Cancun to Cozumel you can go two ways you can go across water on a ferry now that’s different a ferry I looked at the ferry though and it’s a Nene ferry it’s one of those fairies that tips over once a month everybody dies these ferries tip all over the world you know what it is they fit 50 people they put 400 on it tips over in they’re shocked what there’s going to be an investigation you put 400 people on it for don’t you have a clique of 4950 wait for the next ferry please so the only way for me get to Cozumel from Cancun was to take a commuter airline Air Cozumel flying’s part of my job it doesn’t bother me but little propellers on a plane like world war ii they ask you how much you weigh if it’s that close I ain’t going and it’s nobody’s business I said about 180 I’m not sure but one lady freaks out deal spewing God was my local and she runs good more room for me crazy I understand it’s really hard heart to work in the travel industry especially in this day age and comics make fun and bitch about flying but I think you I know that people work hard and I try to be kind and gracious when I fly but I’m in this and I’m not too big the planes too small and I’m not a happy man I’ve lost my cherub like demeanor the gentleman next to me I’m in his lap he’s on a cell phone hello me who I don’t think I’m gonna make it there is a big guy next to me and I can’t see in my leg so I try to move cuz I don’t want to kill this guy his son will avenge him I’ll be at baggage claim in here hello my name is inigo montoya jump kid my father repair dock the flood attendant comes by and says fasten your seat belt why the seat belt buckle is lost in my ass.
And it’s pretty far up there I’m thinking it should hold me you know like a tail hook on an aircraft carrier I might have shot out but I would have sprung right back again then the flight attendant comes by again and says scuse me sir you’re in an emergency exit can you get that door open what do you mean if the plane crashes will I open the door naynay I’m gonna go through the door my tours gonna be this big everybody’s gonna wanna go out through my door and I’ll be fast you’ll think of gazelle is loose on the runway I’ll be on fire I’ll be in the terminating a taco I was on that plane I don’t remember much I smelled smoke and now I’m eating a taco I was on a Disney Dream cruise ship in 1998 that.
Crashed this was in the newspaper it was off the coast of st. Maarten is a beautiful island in the Caribbean it has rock surrounded big rocks we’re going to call them bad rocks everybody knows about these rocks Christopher Columbus had a map 1492 isn’t gonna be rocks right dad the captain came too close to the island and we hit the rocks you know how like the Titanic in an iceberg we hit rocks why is he hitting rocks don’t you have a rock finder thingy in the steering room shouldn’t something flash rocks my friend has a bass boat he never hit a rock the Titanic I can understand no technology some Irish sail in front o an icon say Satan it’s just a lot of white as all it is it’s 1:30 in the morning so I’m at the blackjack table all of a sudden I start to go like this and I said not screaming or anything hey you know we’re sinking can I get a shot of tequila over here and everybody got mad at me they’re like are you trying to scare us what did I walk in here like this oh Clark Duncan son Joey then the captain comes on and the captain is a Norwegian gentleman Norwegians have a great sailing tradition dating back to the time of the Vikings except I got the guy that hit rocks and the captain comes on and goes hello my name is Kyle maybe you don’t oh good lawrence welk is driving the boat that’s why we crashed I want you to know that the ship is indeed taking on a little water you mean we’re sinking a guy bringing on a case of Evian that’s taking on a little water there’s half a million gallons on deck 1 I’m on deck 2 that’s where Shelley Winters bought it the Poseidon Adventure time for me to go people were very calm considerate as always idiots though one guy’s running around it’s like the Titanic it’s like the Titanic grin Caribbean the waters 85 degrees jump on my back I’ll take you to Miami John’s in trouble again those Disney Magic cruise ships the buffets oh I don’t die on a Holland America cruise ship why make yourself miserable the Car Buyer first time I broke a diet to go on a Costa Concordia cruise ship I was all oh don’t cry for me puffs air people the truth is I never loved you through all tithing my fat resistance I kept my promise don’t cry for me pave people your fears they are not bad I think I’ll start with that next show.
Us only thing is San Diego cruise ship buffet lines are intolerably long they have great aesthetics like there’s ice sculptures and they carve stuff like you know a watermelon into a shark and the little cantaloupes or baskets a little tomato rose it’s very nice but a little old ladies are up there freaking out naked pictures heavily get in there and it’s a buffet line and I’m at the end of the line I ought to be rude I just want to know what’s going on up there people are starving behind you yeah it’s a can lo basket and very nice I have no patience at a food any line for that matter oh I have to work on my patience if I draw in McDonald’s if there’s a long line I jump behind the counter I work the fries and get it moving I’ve been employed the week twice I don’t even work there but I take the parking space and I love having my watch people in McDonald’s they decide what they want when they get to the front of the line that makes me crazy what were you doing in line your tax returns I knew what I wanted before I parked the car people stare at a McDonald’s menu McDonald’s it’s the same stuff since you were six years old that’s me anything left to right to left what do you want to know get out of the get out of the line people are reading.
The menu they have pictures of the food just point Starbucks is another one I like Starbucks they have a good product or polite they’re too slow I to have coffee in the morning where I can’t talk my first cup can’t be Starbucks I’d be dead by the time I got to the front of that line you’ve got a coffee back there yeah well you should drink some of that so you’re moving I have to stop at Dunkin Donuts and get coffee to stand in line for coffee and people are staring like I should have done that KFC I don’t do well in KFC lines because people stare at that it’s KFC they have chicken you know what else they got chicken you want a chicken movie see it a concession line people.
Staring at that menu they got popcorn candy soda that’s what they got what are you looking for buffalo wings prime rib they don’t got that come on Glide come are the only person in this line that has a movie to catch that’s what I would like to know the supermarket I don’t do well either oh good she has coupons bitch it’s okay to have coupons but I always.
Get the lady I have a coupon somewhere I know it come on the lab and if people buy bad stuff in the supermarket I tell them I saw one guy buying cheap Angel Soft toilet paper I said what are you doing that’s four rolls for 89 cents that can’t be good don’t you like yourself I understand the need to find a bargain but Roll Holder toilet paper you buy good Roll Crafts toilet paper I’ve been really broke I always got good Roll Craft toilet paper it’s a line you don’t cross it tells you everything will be all right the bills are late but I got good Brushed Nickel toilet paper we have so many blessings we don’t count we have such great Wedding Dress toilet paper do you ever think of that that’s Charmin ultra oh you could make a suit out of is that Versace Charmin no dry-cleaning I just flush it the Buyer Programs first time I played Tempe Arizona it was August and I wasn’t used to the heat and it was one of those days when it was a hundred and twelve now somehow after it’s a hundred and ten it might as well be a thousand for me is that a hundred and ten for some reason it’s just a line you open the door to the hotel and you feel and I go out and they’re picking me up for the show and it’s like walking under water and the valet has a mist system because people die before their car comes here’s your car the guy picks me up and I never met him before he’s kind of grumpy though and he’s driving me to the club and miserable I’m depressed it’s so hot I should have booked this in the late fall how am I gonna perform it so hot Oh God there’s a Ice Cream dairy queen around here there it is I saw the angel over the Cream Cake dairy queen that must be st. blizzard.
and I tell a guy driving us they pulled.
Over I’m getting a milkshake because it’s a hundred and ten you get a milkshake I think it says that the Weight Watchers man the guy looks at me and he’s rude he goes not now we have get to the show maybe later mm-hmm so he wipes the blood from his head says you know what I could use a milkshake too besides I’m a little dizzy I really shouldn’t be driving right now it’s only one person in front of me in line but it’s a very man skinny people I love you we’re all God’s children but sometimes you just can’t decide I had a guy in front of me go how big is it it’s small the smalls are small the mediums are medium the large is a large if you have to ask how a small is you’re not hungry enough you had come back later so hundred and ten I have to here how big is the small is it big and that’s when I killed them your honor case ladies and gentlemen it’s been a pleasure thank you so much we’ll see at the gym sometime.