I’ve been doing this for 11 years I did comedy because I need to be funny to do something with all the attention I got like everyone’s staring at me it’s like a crush and I’m gonna provide them with a moment because they’re looking at me thinking that something’s gonna happen and come on man we really want to just watch a midget jump around for an hour that’s just fun like people pay a lot of money to do that in Mexico but they don’t tell jokes the most little people they do comedy unintentionally they’re not trying to be funny they just bar like they’re reaching up to grab something on a high shelf and it’s hilarious this just shows that we can crap jokes and be funny just like anyone else and it shows if you laughed at yourself if you take whatever your difference is because we all have something I got dwarfism you’re bald okay the cameraman has a very small penis I mean we all have I mean we’re like yeah it’s right in our view it is it but if you’re able to embrace whatever that difference is and then have fun with it that’s when it doesn’t hurt that’s gonna becomes a positive and you could look at beep that things are beyond just what’s on the surface and that’s what I hope people got tonight or just laugh.
Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage.
Well yeah you guys are happy you guys are psyched of course you’re happy you know right now your story beats anyone your friends no matter what the hell they’re doing tonight don’t call you up tomorrow should have hung out with us man we went out to a strip club they had a one-armed stripper she did a cartwheel it was ridiculous what kind of lame shit did you do Oompa Loompa made me laugh **** off you win exactly you’re happy but of course you’re happy you’ve got a little person in front you right now people are always happy when they see midgets you can’t help it a lot of you don’t know who I am don’t know what TV shows I’ve been on but I walk on stage like this is gonna be good you see a midget you’re happy you can’t help but no one’s ever seen a midget than yelled out well now my day has gone to hell that has not happened you see this you’re smiling you’re laugh and yours is a good shot you got a parade and some candy coming your way your happiness doesn’t matter you can get fired from your job I’m not your wife is blowing some other dude you walk down the street you see me you’re just.
That’s why we are not using midgets properly in this concert we have normal.
Jobs we should not have normal jobs they should be giving midgets to cancer patients how awesome would that be sorry.
Sir discovered you have cancer damn it here’s your midget.
A lot you didn’t like that joke at first then I finished it you’re like we will absolutely support that charity we will support that we should do a 5k we should do a 5k there dwarf we should do a two and a half K we should do that’s true.
I do make people happier I didn’t show one time the woman came out to me I have to show and said Brad you’re funny I run a Children’s Hospital I would love it if you came down to Children’s Hospital entertain the children brought them some smiles I said yes that’s perfect I mean hell you guys have known me now for a few minutes and you know my act is perfect for the kids so I say I’ll do it I go to the Children’s Hospital I’m exaggerating nothing I walk into that door a kid walks up to me puts his hand on my shoulder and goes don’t worry they’ll fix you here.
Apparently you’re not allowed to karate chop the sick kid okay do with that why did you up there on my Saturday giving up my free time to help him he’s gonna piss on my self-esteem again and it happened over and over again I was walking on the hospital there would be all these kids I mean god bless him they’d be walking around tracking their oxygen tanks behind him like that then they would look up and see me and go Jesus glad I don’t have that oh my god.
But I get it I understand I understand why people are excited when they see a little person I totally get it because when I’m walking around and I see another little person I get excited too I do then you guys see two of us you get ridiculously excited I hope they do a.
Trick I do like that excited when I see.
Another little person I’m not thinking about this constantly it’s not always on my mind I’m gonna walk around all day in my head.
I know if your life had a DVR you would have all 30 seconds back right there.
I’d get it so and when I’m walking around I see the little person I get happy now if you lured Worf I see is a male if I see a male little person I get excited but at the same time I know I have to fight him I don’t know why that is I don’t want to fight him doesn’t want to fight need we lock eyes like it’s go-time maybe dwarves are like Highlanders like there could be only one now if I’m walk.
Around and I see another little person and it happens to be a female I see a female little person I could excited you guys get quiet you see two little people come together you’re just like this is.
Like National Geographic Channel come to Lima don’t anything you’ll scare him it is mating season now you would think that might offend me it does not offend me I’m going to **** that female little person it’s happening when it comes to dwarf pussy I am a Dyson vacuum I don’t miss a damn thing but Brad she the woman she.
Has a choice whatever she doesn’t want to sleep with you are you kidding me I’m in the top five minutes and show business she’s me top five I’m.
Not number one I don’t have delusions of grandeur okay I know where I am all right number one Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones number two is this guy.
Named wee man from jackass he’s pretty cool some of you know who he is some of you are just now realizing that I am NOT wee man.
You idiots number three is a guy named Warwick Davis he was in a movie called willow an HBO show number four.
Love that edit number five is the chick dammit what the hell is a chicks now no the dwarf chick like Justin Bieber that.
Is a hot bitch I want you bad things too that woman she is cute obviously that’s a joke but I said that one night at a comedy club in Hollywood California I didn’t know this Bieber was in the audience at night and he did not like that joke.
I love that that’s a true story I do cuz that’s the thing is my jokes.
Are a lot of times true stories people ask me all the time Brad you’re a comedian how do you write your material I don’t here’s how I write joke step 1 be a dwarf step 2 wait funny shits gonna.
Happen to you I never know when sound like I look down three o’clock what do you think about that you know it’s not like that it just happens randomly like not too long ago I took my mom out to lunch now before I go on with this joke just know that my mom is not a little person like me and my dad not a dwarf no I know we don’t have to all come from the same tribe can’t like drive down the street like we’re Chows do the dwarves live in its the mushroom with the door in so my mom is driving I’m in the.
Passenger seat not a booster **** off I’m the normal chair like a big boy this.
Guy and this guy’s trying to turn that a one-way street but he’s going the wrong way down the one-way street and this is causing all sorts of traffic and people are honking getting very upset my mom is right behind him she is polite she’s a prim and proper southern belle from Savannah Georgia and she looks the guy she goes uh excuse me that uh I don’t believe you can make a left-hand turn at this particular intersection I know you hear that you want lemonade right now don’t you Elaine that’s my mom and then this guy proceeds to look at my mother and goes why don’t you shut the **** up I’m killing you right now okay.
I’m killing you say that to my mom that’s my mom I love my mom she gave birth to me and just so you know give me birth to a dwarf is not easy it’s not like you just sneeze and we fly out of there okay the doctors are saying they were the catcher’s mitt like doesn’t happen no it is very hard to give birth to a little person when I was born my head was about the same size as it is right now okay to understand what that means and my mom never complained she never once complained my dad he complains about it all the time he tells me like you realized that was the first pussy you ever core up oh yeah that’s my mom she gave birth to.
Me I will defend this woman I will die for this woman so I get out of the car nicer yelling at this guy what the hell did you just say what the hell get out here get out here you son of a bitch let’s go and he gets out of the car I’m like oh shit this is actually happening right now okay this is going to come as a shock to you people I don’t know how to fight no such thing as midget UFC okay there should be midget UFC that would be awesome like me and we man in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese get it all I know is stuff I learned from.
Video games in the 90s this guy’s charging at me and some weird instinct I just look at him I go magoo.
Don’t know what that is I will explain there was a video game in the 90s called Street Fighter 2.
There were two characters in that game they wouldn’t just punch and kick no they would yell out a Dugan and they would throw a fireball from their hands of fireball because that might be useful in a fire bomb it works you think.
I’m crazy but this shows you how much people don’t know about little people I held out the Dugan this guy flinch.
He ran away do you understand what that.
Means that means that when I yelled out the googan this guy thought well he is a dwarf he can probably throw a fireball look at that point I would give all my.
Money all of my money to be there when this guy told his friends this story no bro you have no idea what happening man I yelled this woman today she got pissed off she had a button on her car an attack midget just like throwing fireballs at me.
Midgets I have seen every episode of MTV Cribs you never saw a fitness center like yo it is my Mercedes and it comes with a attack midget right there and you would assume that from Mercedes or BMW sure but based on what I saw today let me tell you right now Kia has stepped their game.
Have in common everyday activities can turn into crazy stories at any time I was having lunch not too long ago when my best friends Adam and we’re out of McDonald’s I know I’ve made it in show business and now this think of McDonald’s had a play place attached to it all right I mean Adam was just sitting there we’re talking all of a sudden this kid I don’t know if he thought that I was threatening his hood or like invading his turf but he just ones out of the play place he’s got a ball from the ball pit sees me and just talks this she nails me right in the head can’t miss this son of a bitch okay so I pop-up like hell I see it’s a kid I don’t care I have street cred I got defend myself I’m going after the kid I start walking after him now Adam my friend he’s a tall guy but he essentially works for me so he’s like alright I guess we’re beating up seven-year-old say now this particular.
Play place must have had an incident of some kind because they had a security guard he sees Adam coming towards me like yeah you can’t come in here and he looks at me he’s like yeah you can come on that’s cool I’m not offended I just got the green light to whoop some ass why run in the play place I look around I see the kid but the other kids that are there in the play place they see me walk in they start clapping and cheering and getting all happy and I realize they think I’m a new mascot like there’s the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald and now there’s the McNugget midget apparently and now.
They’re clapping but I see the kid and he sees me we lock eyes and he turns around and he runs up the slide now he’s in the tubes cuz he thinks he’s safe in the tubes you dumb **** you are not safe in those tubes I am four foot four I can run in those tubes okay I give the tubes I’m Super Mario he got the start I’m good so I wrote off the – I see the kid I run ramp to him I grab him I start dragging him out by his little stride right okay I’m dragging about yes I know what stride rights are I sometimes have to wear them myself okay not all the time that sometimes you guys get shoes you guys got real shoes tonight these are good I don’t always wear these sometimes I gotta do shows and I got likes blinkin from my shit not that now I’m yelling at the kid why’d you call the ball I mean I was not very nice you don’t do that as I’m yelling at him the kid’s dad is running up behind me pissed off I don’t see the dad I’m just yelling at the kid but Adam my friend he sees the dad he does what any good guy friend would do he goes let’s see what happens here the dad runs up grabs me by the shoulder hard whips me around sees my face and goes I was not expecting that what were you expecting I don’t know I think he thought I was a kid then he whipped me around saw my beard it was like I was not expecting that it’s like I’m 30 you shouldn’t say that to another man the only time you should say that is if you’re making out with the chick you pull off her skirt she’s got a thing I was not expecting that so now the dads in this weird circumstance he looks at me he looks at his kid he looks at me he looks back as Kate he goes I can do nothing for you boy that’s what I know I’ve won I got away with it and this dad wanted to hit me he wanted to hit me but you can’t punch a dwarf you punch a dwarf that’s a hate crime and I got away with it that’s the best part about being a little person the best part is that you can get away with stuff I get away with stuff all the time because I’m adorable if you’re cute you can do.
Things I can steal and it’s fine it’s fine I’ve got it I was at a grocery store not too long ago I was there my buddy he dared me to steal something your buddy dares you do something you got to do it so I go to the cookie aisle I get a crapload of qiblah cookies I put him on my shoulder and I just start walking with the Keebler cookies now this little 17-year old clerk sees me walks that was like excuse me sir are you gonna pay for those and like a boss I just let this guy go nah bro my family makes these it’s cool of course he let.
Me go in his mind he’s like yeah easier doing quality control I can’t stop that from happening this stuff happens to me.
All the time it happens in my normal life it happens during shows I just show not too long ago a group of four women came to my show and one of the women in this group of four has something that’s called a contra phobia for those who don’t know what that is that’s a fear of little people all right and that shit is real okay it’s real and it’s not uh he’s kind of creepy it’s more like okay like it’s nuts now here’s the best part of the story the three friends brought this woman to my show sat in the front row all of them knew she had a contra phobia and they were all just sitting there like this is gonna be a hoot now I’m all for a good practical joke I love a good prank just warn me okay send me a tweet an email something so I know what’s gonna happen if I would have known that this woman was afraid of little people out a run on stage wearing a viking helmet but i didn’t know so i.
Walk out on stage like i’m gonna do my normal show i reach up to grab the microphone before I even touch the microphone this woman stands up and from the entire audience just goes remember I don’t know why she’s doing that I’m trying to a show woman yells Jesus Christ I start looking around his Tim Tebow here I love they’re like.
Sweetheart what is wrong with you it’s you I am afraid of little people all right first of all **** you.
How could you be afraid of little people it’s not like this shit is contagious I can’t walk up you bite your knee and you go so I asked her I said why are you afraid of little people I’m gonna tell you what she said just please understand this is what she said okay not what I said I didn’t go home and write this down like oh I think this would be really funny I don’t think this is funny but it’s what happened so here we go I say why are you afraid of little people she goes every time I see a little person I just know they’re gonna rape me.
That happened in a comedy show a comedy show there were three friends were looking at me like you can make that funny kitchen what’s my comeback you’re not my type are you kidding me so I look at this woman I understand it’s a delicate situation so I look around like sweetheart I get it what you just said is the most horrific thing that could ever happen to another human being but what you have to realize is that what you just said he’s impossible okay it’s impossible it can’t happen there’s no such thing as midget rape okay does not exist now ladies if you’re in the audience right now and you’re one of these people and you’re fearing midget rape just know there is one move you can do one move you can do that will stop all forms of midget rape it works 100 of the time here’s the moves.
Summer you were waiting for another move no that’s it that’s palm or head BAM like you do that I’m stuck waving.
Oh wow Brad that’s insane that you met.
One person that has a contra phobia no I’ve met quite a few people that have it it’s pretty common which is weird I’ve even met one celebrity that has it don’t worry I’ll tell you who it is okay John Stamos yes that John Stamos yeah he’s got a condor phobia I didn’t know that until I did a show with Bob Saget his co-star from Full House I had a charity show with him Saget rolls up the show with John Stamos and Dave Coulier they are still all friends which is awesome I’m sitting in my dressing room all of a sudden Saget bursts into my dressing was like Brad you have to come meet John Stamos.
And I’m sitting there like well yeah I love the show full house Uncle Jesse in the rippers the catchphrase have mercy I would love to meet John Stamos he goes Brad you don’t get it Stamos is terrified of little people and.
I know what I must do Bob Saget the plan.
Goes into action Saget runs in his dressing room he starts talking to Stamos distracting them as soon as state most turns his back I know that’s my cue I run in I see Stamos I run right up I grab his leg I start humping and this is.
This is not a company to come I didn’t hate his leg okay I’m gonna tell you this right now and understand this John Stamos screams like a bitch does he.
Look down saw me just start freaking out he starts kicking his leg like that he starts kicking his leg like I’m some horny cocker spaniel or something but you’re not getting me off his iPod arms and when I lack John I John Salonga I am riding his leg like it’s an out-of-control fire hose dude this is the rodeo I’m surviving for eight seconds okay while this is happening Saget is on the floor laughing and then in a moment that I could not write if you gave me a thousand opportunities Dave Coulier walks into the dressing room sees me humping stained was his leg and without missing a beat just goes hey Brad caught it.
I could die that this is my life it’s.
Insane stuff happens here stuff happens when I travel stuff happened when I took a trip recently to Brazil I went to Brazil for the World Cup and that was amazing it was an unreal experience I’m gonna tell you guys something right now Brazil is scary okay it’s scary because I thought it was all like that I thought that I thought that is not is scary like black eyes from Detroit or like are you going to Brazil I didn’t know it was scary.
Until I applied for a Brazilian visa then they handed me a pamphlet this pamphlet said five easy steps to survive in Brazil yeah they don’t do that when you go to Italy okay it’ll be one step make sure you wear a helmet when you’re on the scooter ciao like that would be in not Brazil step number one make sure at all times you carry on you a fake wallet and a fake cellphone for when you get mugged key word there when you get luck not if when this is gonna happen step number two make sure you blend in try not to stand out in any way how do I put.
This does not blend okay I am the world’s largest keychain you understand this doesn’t the only way I’m blending is if I get off the airplane there’s 500 of my people going so I go to Brazil and.
I got mugged I did yeah I got mugged I got mugged after the USA Germany game I want yeah I watch the game I go out to the corner my friend say hey Brad we’re gonna go get cab wait here we’ll bring the cab to you I say fantastic I’m waiting there all of a sudden something long and hard jams into me and at first I’m kind of like Ruth somebody like familiar yeah if I look over no that’s a gun that’s a gun and the guy goes wallet foe no but then I realize I read the pamphlet I have a fake wall at the fake phone on me I’m almost excited to be mugged I’m like oh my god I’ve trained for them I hand the fake wall at the fake boat he takes it he runs away my friends see what happened they run up to be very concerned Brad oh my god are you okay we saw what happened are you hurt I’m laughing the entire time like Brad why you laughing only because I read the pamphlet I gave him the fake wall in the fake phone and three days before I came to Brazil I was really bored I took the fake phone I took about 38 pictures of my thing I was born one day in my clinic now I’m just picture this guy going home I got a sailboat I got it what the **** why is it dwarf I’m a bigger thing than me America.
It’s fun you travel man it’s fun think we have a cool job or I get to travel for a living get to perform and the most rewarding time I ever had in my life was not too long ago I got to perform in the Middle East for the soldiers I did a USO tour over those are the best audiences.
They don’t give a crap about political correctness they just want you to laugh they won’t you be honest they want you to be true that means they have to have a good sense of humor you do a job that’s serious you have to have a good sense of humor I get off the c-130 plane in Afghanistan group of five soldiers there to meet me they walk up like mr. Williams we’re so happy you’re here **** yeah you guys want to laugh right they’re like no you’re a midget we wanna do some fun shit with you right like was.
There a meeting the day before like some commanding officers on stage we have a dwarf coming on base tomorrow we some ideas for some fun shit to do Henderson what you got do we have any large cannons good idea Henderson I asked him like guys what sort of fun.
Shit you want to do they say we want to take you on a blackhawk helicopter I’m like yes going on that and I tell it to my friends were like Brad weren’t you scared no you have to understand who I am the life I’ve lived I’m the guy that when I go to Six Flags I can’t ride half a fare shit and now the US government just said you see that death machine do you want to hop on erection I’m good.
So we go to fly on a blackhawk helicopter now before you fly on one of these things they don’t just let you go you have to put gear on you just put a helmet and a vest apparently there’s not a lot of midgets in the military helmets invest are not made by Oshkosh they are not made by Oshkosh first of all the guy brings me on a helmet he assumes that because I’m a little person I have a tiny head wrong I’m not of a tiny head of a big bird okay I don’t have dreams I have movies they bring out this little element they’re pulling on my head it doesn’t fit they’re pulling it out because it fit they forget an extender strap for the chin and buckle it and buckle it and buckle it now the chin fits that doesn’t change the size of the helmet the helmet is still sitting on top of my head not protecting shit it’s not even a helmet at this point it is a war yarmulke I’m.
Thinking myself great I’m going into a country has a lot of pissed-off Muslims and they dressed me like GI Joon this is gonna go well thank you smart people for laughing at that joke some of you got it if you guys like wave Jews and Muslims don’t get along kill yourself all right Eddie nobody likes you so now.
They get the helmet to fit now they bring up the vest and the vest via vest on anyone of you nice people on me this was a bulletproof muumuu okay this thing went down below my knees below my knees they told me run to the helicopter like oh right I’m wearing the helicopter I’m gonna look like a badass I did not look like a badass I look like a penguin like I was running like that shit the entire time 100 yards hundred yards of this the only thing that was missing was Morgan Freeman narrating the damn thing that’s how we see the little people make their way to the Black Hawk helicopter as I’m running I trip and fall in the middle of the runway I know I can end the joke right there if I wanted to dwarf down hilarious as I’m laying down.
One of the soldiers yells at me mr. Williams you gotta get off this area is surrounded by snipers if you stay down one of them is gonna take you out not.
Scared no not scared of snipers two reasons one damn near impossible shot okay – you’re not even gonna get the shot off could you imagine you’re a sniper you’re up in the hills been there for days you’re scanning for the enemy and all of a sudden you come across me you just up there like okay where the American activity American with American activity American weird American activity America.
I’ll come and get you **** over here right now negative **** over here right now you have no idea what I’m looking at right now but no idea if I were to describe to you what I’m looking at right now I would only be able to describe it as happiness I’m looking at happiness right now when I die **** the 72 virgins I want one of those now I get.
Up make my way to the Black Hawk helicopter now Black Hawk helicopters about yay high all right I can’t get in that I’m wearing the muumuu vests I look at the soldier on my hip broke he helped me out he says no problem pull the lever little handicapped helper step flies out sweet except for the helper set was about freaking high still can’t get in I’d ask this soldier to do something that I swore as a little person I would never ask anyone to do ever I look at him like eyebrow you’re gonna have to toss me and the smile he got and he grabs me he could just throw me in real quick it would have been done but now he had to enjoy himself he picks me up he just goes wrong.
We finally picks me up he tosses me in I get in sit down buckle up good to go but before we start flying pilot turns around pilot has a little speech for us and this is the speech that I hear right before I take my first helicopter flight in Afghanistan pilot looks this goes all right mr. Williams this is Bagram Air Force Base Afghanistan some shit goes on here we don’t anticipate anything that happen but something might happen and we do have to prepare you for such a scenario which sometimes occurs these particular helicopters I get fired upon by something called an RPG Rocco Pell grenade you might know it as a bazooka if this is to happen you’ll hear the words fire in the hole followed by our machine gunner on board returned fire if you hear our gun go off there’s no longer a combat simulation he’s a real-life war scenario with real-life consequence if we do everything our power to keep you alive we’ll do some evasive maneuvers your crew up in a fetal position you’ll be fine I stopped listening after you said bazooka now I’m scared now I’m terrified.
But I can’t show fear I’m on a helicopter with a bunch of 18 and 19 year old badass Marines I can’t be a 30 year old man like I don’t think this is a good idea sorry all right Brad just shut up try to be cool I’m glad I had that attitude because we took off oh my god this was so much fun we start flying over the base soldiers are describing the face to me the function of the buildings I’m cracking jokes they’re laughing we’re having a great time then we flew outside of the base and you wanna know what happens when a blackhawk helicopter flies outside of the base you have to test-fire the machine gun to make sure it works they didn’t tell me that no they told me here the gun go off kiss your ass good-bye that’s what I heard so we get outside the base out of nowhere you see er I had my first period right there that.
I was looking around like I hope codex.
Comes in camouflage this is a heavy flow day I’ve fun there.
Man had fun I learned a lot learned a lot I thought we only had American troops over there not the case we have a lot of different soldiers from a lot different countries over there I got to meet and talk to these brave young men and women and oh man ladies now I know what you mean you say you love accents cuz yeah I.
Topped this one British soldier for like an hour and I’m just staring at him like don’t ask don’t tell and it was that.
British accent that South London Jason Statham type British accent oh my god ladies you could be on a date tonight but if some guy tapped on the shoulder you turn around and all you hear is I think I was really achieved from across the room I thought to myself as a picker looking better I did let me tell you whoa oh go BMW 325i so we’ve got their check he wrote on the back here 30 minutes that’s why they call me the transporter bitch hey guys I just.
Preheated every oven in the room you’re welcome that’s a accent now just because you have an accent do not think it is automatically there’s a hierarchy to these things okay British up here Australian up here Indian that’s it ladies you’re not gonna.
Have the same reaction if you turn around and all you see is excuse me my little delicate desert flower I was looking at you from across the room and might I say you are so exquisitely beautiful that if you were to be in my country you would be more sacred than a cow audience oh yes I would like to do.
Some bad things to you I would if it were up to me I would take you home spread your legs now teach you like Cooney yes I cannot talk dirty to a woman just because I’m a little let me tell you something I can talk dirty I will say something people take things I want to bend you over grab your hair then whisper something soft insects in your ear like who’s your customer service Feroze your customer service representative you want me put down hard I will put you on ha the only good part is that once he finishes up he’s like thank you come again I love my job.
I get to do this for a living I get to travel traveling is great and don’t get me wrong it’s hard sometimes you know you got to leave your family I hate leaving my family right now cuz uh two months ago I became an uncle for the very first time I didn’t do anything.
Yeah my sister gave birth to a healthy baby boys name is Liam and like I saw her pregnant for the whole nine months but I don’t really think about it until he was born and then my brother-in-law comes in with Liam he looks me goes hey congratulations you’re now uncle Brad and he hands me Liam look at him I.
Didn’t know what love was I had no idea and now I’m staring at him going oh this.
Is what this is I love you I love you unconditionally and without prejudice and you have done absolutely nothing to deserve this love nothing your life resume reads shit once that is it but I love you and I’m having this moment of realization of the most powerful emotion in human existence and my dad for the back of the room just yells out you know he’s gonna be wearing your clothes like two weeks.
But that’s pretty funny families laughing mom’s crying she’s a grandma for the first time she walks out to me she’s like Brad what are you gonna have one when are you gonna have one son you will be an excellent father you’ll be a good provider for a family you should absolutely have yourself a child I don’t want okay I don’t want kids now.
If you want kids have kids trying to have kids good for you best thing you’ll ever do in your life but understand I don’t want one because if I have a kid 75 chance that kid’s gonna be tall I don’t want anything that by age 3 can kill me how do you even discipline that kid you’re like you’re in timeout you’re in timeout dad.
I’m walking away like you’re right son I shouldn’t have said that to you that was not right I’m not ready I’m seeing what.
My sister has to go through I’m not ready for that she doesn’t sleep at all she spends a lot of money here to change your house she’d do horrible things to her home she had to put up baby gates.
**** baby gates **** Baby Cakes cake baby gates okay you guys know baby gates all right yeah but room in your house you don’t want the baby go in you put a little baby gate stops the baby from going into that room in the house great it also stops midgets from going in that room okay it does it works I know this I’ve been blocked by a baby gate before hot dog I got this woman back for her house she had a cage and the baby gate she’s tall she does the step-over move like that she’s good to go meanwhile I’m stuck on the other side like a mix tear the Borla porque ain’t get laid that night no woman wants to **** a guy after she looks down the hallway and just sees I tell it’s my.
Buddy’s like mom Brown you’re a comedian you should never come back you’re supposed to have a snappy comeback for every situation what’s the comeback for when a baby gate slows your roll what do you say I can’t just look at her and be like boost no.
Woman’s ever picked up her date like doing it **** me so good tonight yes you are I didn’t get laid that night the dog.
Don’t feel sorry for me don’t be the audience right now like Oh Brad didn’t get laid please okay I do all right now.
I understand this is not the stereotype of what women draw up in their minds is being attractive I get that but I’m a realist okay I don’t want those women I want the women to come to my show tonight sat down saw me run out on stage and went bucket-list.
By the way if you’re one of those women oh you made a good decision you made an absolute decision every woman should **** a midget at least once in their life okay you should treat yourself okay treat yourself because we can do moves that these tall guys cannot do see it got quiet the women like oh my god what can you do I’ll tell you ladies straight.
Up you haven’t experienced life till you’ve been fed doggy style by a little person all right way better that’s all guys I know the tall guys have to do tall guys and get down their knees like that thanks ruff with that move right there you start off badass they start off like a champ and that goes on for good nine seconds okay about nine seconds that right leg just starts getting the little sword that thigh starts jamming up you started losing thrust right there I know what happened and every guy does the same move they throw up the one leg just like that it dumped the one damn leg just like that that’s when the woman starts freaking out oh my god he’s trying a new position bitch that’s a cramp that’s not a new position that’s what happens when you guys are doing doggy style and I’m doing doggy style I don’t get tired cuz I’m standing up ladies and gentleman that’s not I am aggressive I am aggressive in bed look my right hand instinctively went to a fist right now okay instinctively you wanna walk it’s not **** dog you saw I’m pulling hair alright I pull there and I’m good at it alright a lot of guys who got on a pole here you’re grounded by the end why the hell are you grabbing her hair by the end that hurts or stop doing it you want to want to pull hair protector this is what you do okay spread your fingers like that for the very bottom your woman’s head right there then you track off the.
Unless you’re a black woman then do not pull that you’ll never pull a.
Black woman’s that she will cut you you.
Guys are learning stuff right now we’re communicating that’s the important part that’s what a lot of people don’t do in their relationships they don’t communicate you gotta be able to communicate talk tell us what you want ladies tell your man exactly what we need to do to please you exactly what we need to do details don’t just look at your post see like it’s a Rubik’s Cube like solve that one **** stop it let me wrong I can’t while you do it you do it because you assume it’s easy to please you for you very easy to please a man every guy wants the same thing doesn’t matter where you go you could be in the deep south you know right there you wouldn’t want a blowjob no to me go up to Connecticut Morgan will be on go for blowjob like same shit we can’t drop you up in Africa.
It’s easy having *** with a dude is like walking into IKEA with an allen wrench like oh my god that’s worked on everything.
A lot of women pull this line they go oh no Brad I can’t tell my man what I really want if I told my man what I really want in bed I would scare him try.
It trying to transfer you man transfer you me let me know how that works out no my man is not that freaky bullshit okay bullshit your man is not that freaky you only think that ladies because he hasn’t shown his freaky side because you’re not that fruity understand this ladies I’m gonna say this one time your man is only as freaky as he thinks he’s allowed to be okay you have your line of freakiness.
And you go right to your line of freakness and we stop at your line of freakiness now every now then we’ll dance over the line okay we don’t jump over the line it up we just dance over the line nothing crazy nothing insane just like something simple like doing doggy style try out it is my Burt.
By the way if you know what I did there I love you I know that one night a woman.
Yelled out that’s called the bus driver Oh what’s her man doing Brad you don’t.
Get it my man’s it’s not that freaky all right try this then one night sculpt your man like hey baby tonight it’s all about you whatever you want I will do I’ll not object I’ll not say no I’ll not say yes but secretly harbor ill feelings towards you which I’m gonna bring up in a fight that we’re gonna have for about six to eight months from this date today already planned it know whatever you want tonight I will do tonight baby I am yours ladies if you ever say that to your man get a helmet it’s going crazy.
That night okay there’s gonna be whips there’s gonna be chains at some point a closet door will open I’m gonna run out.
We’re freaky okay there’s a reason why something called the devil’s threesome exists okay all right you guys got quiet you don’t know the devil series regular.
Threesome two women one man gift from God devil’s threesome two guys one girl all right a couple whores in the audience awesome guys are down perfect that’s the.
Thing I’m not judging you I’m just saying like most women they say that they’re like oh yeah my man he wanted to do that he wanted to be the devil’s threesome oh we did not we did not want that no man wants that no man is having *** with a gorgeous woman like you know what make this better more dicks we do it because we just want to.
Make you happy ladies and I know this because I’ve been in a devil’s threesome before okay don’t worry I’ll tell you the story how’s it a bar one night with my friend just hanging out we look over we see a gorgeous woman sitting all by herself and guys back me up you never see gorgeous women just by themselves were like oh my god we have to go talk to her one of us has got to get her so we both go up we start talking to this woman after about 30 minutes she goes oh my god I’m taking both at you home and we both looked at her and went why she.
Said because it’s always been my fantasy I want two men to turn me in to the London Bridge my friend is 5 foot 10.
This is gonna be a leading Tower of Pisa betcha she’s like I don’t care let’s go so I looked at my friend and said listen she’s hot we’re gonna do this we’re do this one time then we will never speak of it again not to each other not to anyone so we go.
Back to her place to have the two and a half some I’ll wait and then now guys.
You have to understand there are rules there are rules to a devil’s threesome which you must follow rule number one guys is you look down and that’s the only place you would ever look down and is it you look at your stuff first up that’s it you never want to look up you like I’m having an orgasm making eye contact with my best friend no we do not want that rule number two Pete which way you’re gonna rotate okay at some point you have to switch positions you have to rotate pick which way clockwise counter clockwise what are you gonna do me and my friend did not pick the direction we were gonna rotate how of a sudden we start switching positions going around the same way now he’s five foot ten I’m four foot four certain things are lining up with certain other things all right I’m not paying attention all of a sudden I’m in the middle of an Indiana Jones movie running away from the boulder now the woman is on all fours my run this way hit her bounce back my buddy’s not paying attention just.
He paintbrush to me.
But did I quit No.
I quit I don’t care ladies I don’t care I have.
One rule one rule in bed I don’t come till you do okay that is my rule I don’t care that I have to do it looking like I’m in a battle scene from the movie Braveheart no I don’t care I tell it some my guy friends like I don’t know breath sounds pretty day to me listen we are all at least a little gay all right Rollins the little gay some are more gay than others and if you are that’s fine but don’t try to be there like no bread I’m not good at all really you’ve never once look at a v-neck shirt and thought I think that looks good pretty gay okay pretty gay that I don’t care either be the straightest man the plan you see a rock art dicko inches from your face there’s a voice in the back of your head that goes suck it I need to it all right I didn’t actually do it passing by I thought myself I know what to do with that thing we’re.
Learning people we’re learning you learn stuff from a comedian tonight you can learn stuff from the internet video games you can learn stuff alright ladies I want your man to be better for you in order for him to be better you have to understand how men learn how men get better we don’t learn through nagging no you nag any one ear out the other doesn’t work understand this ladies your man is an incentive driven creature reward driven creature we like knowing that if we do lose something we get something in return that’s how we function you think about things like college football it can’t pay the players so what they doing a lot of teams player do something right goes the sideline coach puts a sticker on that Booker’s helmet that tells the world he has something right perfect ladies one of some great *** you should keep a stack of stickers on your nightstand stack and having different colors based how good the guy does have a gold one a silver one a bronze one a blue one that says participant.
And coach em up coach em up alright men respond those halftime speeches there’s a reason why coaches give them they fire up guys so ladies you want to have amazing *** look you’re maybe like hey baby we’re tonight but before we do team meeting right now team heated ok but a lot right now I need you to know something you gotta know something right here you gotta know this right here this what we play for right here this is your pussy baby this is your pussy this in your house you have to understand something just because I say it’s your pussy doesn’t automatically always make it your pussy no because they’re other men out there big men strong men handsome men they want to take this pussy from you they want to take your pussy right now ladies start pacing are you coming to your.
House and take what is rightfully yours what you have rightfully earned no you’re not gonna do that you’re the man I know you’re the men I love you’re going to stand up for this pussy you are going to defend this pussy because when you’re in this house you must protectors buzzer times if we hear that will act like we’re in the locker room before the game like this is what we do and we will attack like never before and when we hit that right spot Wow sticker ladies and gentlemen my name is Brian.
We are not done sit down we’re not done okay this is my first hour special you.
Guys don’t want to have fun you look like you wanna have fun oops want bunny alright come on up here come up here thirty yeah he’s chair right here I want you to sit down right here now here’s the deal this is my special this is a pinnacle for comedians we dream about this we’ll do something crazy for my special we got to do something that helps you guys remember who I am how we gonna do that I think I know what we’re gonna do cuz you guys are never gonna forget the night you saw Brad Williams perform and then at the end of the night you saw this hot woman get a lap dance from a midget.
The kill.
We’ll see you guys next time.
Kill.