oh they have these things we are good ok.
Let’s not waste any more time boy those are good seats up there the show has started I can see him.
Selling those seeds oh yeah they’re real our ticket with tickets 975 during the week that’s not bad really to see a big show like this well with all the props enter minute it’s kind of fun for me to see the people in the audience with these amateur model arrow see they’re here this of course is the professional model made in Germany cost one hundred and fifty dollars but really 975 that’s nothing for that someone should come out okay one more time for the photographers.
by what a cute girl well you get to see a show all I have our memories and then into professional photography I paid 900 bucks for this that too much so these cameras are great because an idiot Oh have a new record coming out about three weeks vo the only reason I mentioned it I will be on TV some shows to promote it if you want to watch I don’t think it this year bowling for so they want me on all these shows now because it is so well on Celebrity I’m a random guy black time here for nine days so I guess for this nine days I’m a stationary guy Oh a stationery guy yeah stationery out here in Los Angles one of my favorite towns I studied a lot about lost angley’s and it’s great to be here in that capital of California hello si ng OS okay everybody Oh you people up tires and sing along okay this half of the room good we’ve got it now okay all right Chinese no why must’ve looked like an idiot up there I’m sorry I’ve degraded myself and I will never ever wear something like this okay first lost my mind just.
That’s okay for me come again boom I collect to the NS thing oh I might like to drink champagne at the 3:00 a.m. or maybe even wear two socks on the one many people come to man they say hey how.
Can you be such as swinging sex dog what I fail you it’s not the because I can to make a lot of up to one time in that it’s not the big cause I say Oh things that woman wants to hear like are you through yet it’s because I know how to read woman if.
She is like a captain I have kitty if she is like a dog we do it on the but I’m also a unique kind of guy the.
Kind of guy who likes to have his own special sale not to smell like every other guy I like to have my own in that vidual older that’s why our tuna fish I put food on the fish sandwich under each arm maybe one or two behind the I don’t smell like and of all their guys and it’s economical too because the smell lasts for four or five days many people come to me and they say hey what kind of girl is it you want to mean what I’ll tell you I just want to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders I hate necks when we go to a fence at restaurant and I walk in with her ever ahead terms except her she has no neck hey grandpa bought a rubber and now it’s time for Charlie I know what you’re saying oh I bet this guy can’t juggle I love it when they go far away start.
With the easy stuff first of all I the over-the-shoulder trick now under the leg.
Let’s see can catch you sir take toss it up in midair okay put it right about there hey it’s a muppet hi boys and girls now.
Have orange just on me I have the rubber fish towel okay everyone should have one you get the Muppets here aren’t they cute so they taped that show in London it’s so much fun to do it they fly you over for free so it’s like a paid vacation so I went to London I was so close to Paris I decided to go over there so I saw London and I saw France and then I saw someone’s Underpants how many people have plans go to France raise your hand okay now listen if you’re going to France let me give you a warning in France chapeau means hat Ruth means treat it’s like those French have a different word for everything they do it to screw you up I’m not kidding down I Deluxe 10 speak english I studied English for about 2 or 3 years and I think I’ve lost my accent completely I could think I could 30 Days speak english very Milan over there thinking English will be fine because it’s a universal language and everyone speaks it’s like it off the plane getting in the taxi you say to the driver I’d like go to a hotel please the driver turns those number three let’s do the bus wah so the first thing you do this is really dumb you adopt a French accent because you think that will help I would like go to the hotel that’s nothing so I went out and bought a little French phrase book hoping to memorize French but the French is not like Spanish is easy for Americans you can kind of sound it out Casa de Pape a donde esta Casa de Pepe but French is like you know a little this boat fruits is dead but I started yet I have okay then let’s I’m getting Legionnaires disease.
I think the most memorable experience I had in France was visiting the Cathedral a chart and if you’ve never been there it’s a beautiful 400 year old cathedral beautiful stained glass and as I’ll be honest with you is a very moving experience and as I was writing my name on it with a can of spray paint I thought of a religious experience I had earlier about six months ago I was at home and an angel appeared before me and it’s so much fun cuz you the best thing to do if an angel appears before you try and poke your hand through them it drives them not to go whoa but you know it’s so hard to believe in anything anymore you know that like religion is so mythological and it’s awesome story of myths came down from the sky with the magic golden rings and science on the other hand is just pure empiricism and by virtue of its method it excludes metaphysics and guess I wouldn’t believe in anything if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch see this I got this for five bucks.
well you’ve got to be a wise shopper nowadays you see something like that you better pick it up because well with prices today I wanted to buy some carpeting you know much they want for carpeting $15 a square yard and I’m sorry I am NOT going to pay that for so what did I bought two square yards and when I go home I strap them to my by the way I handle all my own finances.
I don’t believe in that accountants stuff and I’m happy to say I recently purchased my own form of private transportation which we landed out here at the airport a couple of days ago it’s not easy landing a station wagon out here at the airport and also we never announced this ahead of time because it always sounds like a phony deal but part of the money taken in here tonight will be going to charity I do a lot of work with unwed mothers no just helping them get their start now.
seriously I do work with the SPCA a lot and now there’s a lot of things going on like in Mexico some people think it’s a sport I happen to think it’s cruelty to animals I’m talking about of course cat juggling I take the little kitties Tim four weeks old and they juggle them for money the poor little kittens are going and there’s something going on in Kansas right now it makes me sick they take little laboratory mice never heard anybody bring them out to Hollywood and tell them they’re going to be in.
I know what you’re saying oh I’ll bet he’s on drugs well I just like to say right now don’t take any drugs I completely quit taking everything and that includes getting sure that’s easy for you to do you haven’t been through what I haven’t been through you see about three weeks ago I test twos thank God I had some close friends there – can I get me up and walk me around a little bit they lost smoking out there it kind of bothers some people here trying to watch the show on someone sitting in front of you long the only time it bothers me if I’m in a restaurant and I’m eating uh someone says hey mind if I smoke oh I see oh no do you mind if I do you ever wonder where all the farts well I’ll tell you they go up into the atmosphere and they form the fart zone it’s right above the ozone layer and this is why we have to protect the ozone see if anything happens to the ozone bin.
The farts fall back to earth and not on their original owners you know I used to make a lot of sex.
Jokes during my show and I’ve pretty much cut it out and I’ll tell you why I think the reason I made the jokes is because I was insecure and I’ve grown more secure as a matter of fact I quit using the amateur –fill acting’s I only use the prophylactics now but I feel pretty good tonight I really do I think tonight’s gonna be the night for me I think you know what talking I’m a rambling guy no you come up here to Universal City no let’s be honest there’s a lot of feeling man is only a guy probably hanging out in the parking lot after the show looking for of your loans too let’s see what’s the most decent way I can put this um I confer girl wants to do a little of this okay and who knows I might even get into some.
Of this I’m not too sure well boy wouldn’t it be wild if she was into actually that’s a myth about entertainers I always think you meet girls sing it don’t because here I’m in town for nine days and you don’t have time get to know anybody and I’m not into that one-night thing I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use and degrade them and I feel sorry for women I’ll tell you why because so many men think they’re into this kinky sex and I wouldn’t have said that but six months ago I met a girl and she was taking singing lessons and her coach 84 year old guy you think it’d be the last guy in the world to be weird but listen to this he kept wanting her to sing from her diaphragm I mean that would take years to learn and this doesn’t happen very often about three weeks ago I met a girl she was real nice and she invited me to her apartment so I went over there and she had the best I have him oh come on I’m talking about her cat now that makes me sick right you can’t say anything anymore that people don’t take it dirty and I’m sorry that disgusts me that cat was the best how many people have cats one two three okay ten now let me ask you this do you trust them because I’ve got to get up here a cat handcuffs and I gotta get them right away just the little ones that go around the little front paws or maybe the manacles of four that get all four paws but what a drag I found that my cat was embezzling from me think you know a cat for ten years he pulled something like this turned out while I was away he would go out to the mailbox pick up the checks take him down to the bank in cash room disguised as me he had the little kitty arrow through the hand and I wouldn’t cut him but I went outside those little house where he sleeps there was about $3,000 worth of cat toys out there and you can’t return them because they have spit all over so now I’m stuck with $3,000 for the cat toys sure they’re fun got the little rubber Mouse has a bell inside of it.
Hi Crimestoppers repeat the Crimestoppers oath I promise not to bully my friends love to leave my keys in the car I promise not to depreciate non-taxable item brought work from the previous tax good now let’s repeat the nonconformist oh I promise to be different I promise to be unique I promise not three-peat things other people say let’s play the banjo on second thought.
I’ll play the banjo I’d be too confusing if we hold up as a kid I was quite close to my grandmother and she used to sing a song every that’s always kind of meant something to me and I’d like to do this for you right now it’s kind of a sentimental thing it has no place in a comedy show it’s possible – come on do something a little more meaningful maybe something that has not so right now by this time out sing the song my grandmother used sing to me be warm human grateful and have a good thing to say be awful trustful and childlike witty happy and wide be honest and love your neighbor give see quizzes for boys oh boy be sure to at stop signs and drive 55 miles an hour pick up hitchhikers foaming at the mouth and when you get home a master’s degree in geology be courteous time and forgiving courteous be gentle and peaceful each day be warned we wouldn’t grateful good thing to say thoughtful impressed for a child like me be witty happy and wise being witty be honest and a little your neighbors me the obsequious purple M Clerval and everybody saying man we publish something sitting cactus levity outside be dull boring and I’m the president criticize things you don’t know about never made love to Bigfoot my name is Bigfoot everyone put a live chicken in your I’m going to the positive side well here’s something you don’t often see you know I have figured out one thing that would totally put it into show business and that is if the human race instead of having two arms just had one arm right in the center of our body now the reason that would put it into show business how would people clap kind of put it into on course nobody’s gonna go more see you’re lucky is my face red it keeps me young everyone stay on what steve-o so I’m saying we’re lucky way the human body turned out it could have been so different and think how lucky you are to have your mouth where is it could have been anyplace imagine yourselves in a restaurant.
don’t worry I haven’t forgotten whoa oh no water all over the stage oh boy.
That reminds me of something.
okay you’re a great audience you’re really up and now it’s time for well Kendall trick here we go.
I thought they were out there we go.
well you people are fast now it’s time.
For fun balloon animal what have you seen this before I’m sorry I don’t like to repeat why don’t our to do now I don’t like to repeat and yet the audience is demanding that I do it I’ll tell you what I do I’ll make a compromise I’ll make balloon animals but I won’t blow them up it’s funny whenever I’m on it becomes.
Like Planet of the Apes already I’m.
I feel right boom that’s that gruff n1o another penny down the bridge sorry I spilt the blooms of words and as they pop ago not easy getting that air but curls inside your lungs like that.
and now it’s time for putting bananas.
venereal disease you see this in a toilet seat don’t sit because they leap on you hello mr. Johnson is Sally home I’m going to get pregnant now.
Hey this is getting expensive I like to get serious just for a moment we’re having fun out here that’s the important thing to be able to laugh in today’s world because all the terrorism crime and but I’ll tell you something that bothers me more than all of the terrorism and crimes when people come up to me and say they have chigger bites don’t they know the proper name for the insect is checker oh they have no intelligence but we’ve had a few laughs and I think that’s important really please remember one thing I’m an experienced professional don’t you try this at home and one more thing if you bought my album and you came down here expecting me to do a lot of her teens from the record and I didn’t do them when it was a young man he never thought it see people stand in line to see the.
He’s my favorite whole game.
more tourism.
there it is Kondo leader stoner grab your coat stand on the doorstep just die right you’re on the sunny side of the street happy and my nd so funny five at the scene why should you walk in that chain with your don’t be afraid they are