Is there anything different that I need to do for tonight opening wise just do your set Just do your set you’re not nervous No, I’m excited, but it’s a show there’s gonna be like important people there who’s gonna be here. That’s gonna be any different The Obamas are gonna be here. The oklahoma’s are not coming. Yeah. They are the Ruth and Judy Obama I Don’t think the Obamas will be here. Yeah, gonna. They’re from Indiana. They’ll be here I think you and I should have taken separate cars Okay, mr. Cook cool The Emperor of Hollywood’s gonna be here tonight. You’re not gonna impress him. I will do what I can to impress the Emperor Okay, well what bits are you gonna? Do I’m gonna tell a story What story? ladies and gentlemen Steve possible.
Wanted to tell you the story of How I became an optimist? Now it started when someone was murdered at my hotel Don’t worry, I’ll make it funny I Was doing a gig in Syracuse last summer and I’m coming back from the Late Show on a Saturday night It’s about 1:30 in the morning now as I pull up to the hotel. I see there are 52 police cars surrounding the building there was not a moment in my head where I was like I Bet this works out great in the end Maybe the police are just having a party Ain’t no party like the Lego City police party cuz the Registration Form police party don’t stop Cuz you can’t call the police Right everybody who’s gonna get it got it, so I I’m Stuck outside the hotel They weren’t letting us in that’s how I time to count all the police cars and One of the reporters told me that someone had been shot and killed in the room below mine And they were still looking for the guy Not the one who had been shot and killed They knew exactly where he was but The other one had escaped the murderer got away the murder II was right where they left him so The cops come out and one of them says you go back in now if you want to and I said No, thank you And he asked me why not which I thought was a pretty odd question I Think it’s obvious why I don’t want to go into that hotel I don’t to open up my door see some guy on my bed being like I don’t want that So he said well, you don’t have to go in if you don’t want to I.
Said fine, I’ll go in if you come with me He said what I said yeah, we’ll go in together you a little bit first You have a look-see I’ll grab my stuff, I’ll get the out of this hotel and He said yes, so I grabbed my stuff and I got the out of that hotel cuz I’m a man of my word and I drove fast as I could far as I could and I only got about ten miles away before I got stopped by another cop for suspicion of driving drunk I Don’t know if you know this but driving drunk and fleeing from a murder look a little bit the same I don’t know if you know that The guy was a dick Immediately because he had thought he had gotten a collar he thought I was wasted figured he would come up to the car now. It’d just be like spring break like that’s what he expected So he pulled me over and he was a dick immediately first thing he said he’s goes and how was your night going? He was not prepared for my response Said actually officer it’s been a bad one As it turns out someone was murdered at my hotel He was whoa like he didn’t know how to deviate from the script. It was adorable To watch him try stick to that script. He’s like well. Huh oh? Well the reason I haha The reason I pulled over you were speeding.
Driving erratically I said well, I can explain that as I mentioned earlier Someone was murdered at my hotel, so I’m feeling erratic Hey officer. I have some questions. How come you’re not at the hotel? What are you doing out here why the only cop in upstate New York is not at this hotel right now Do you not get an invite to the Safe Registration police party? Maybe check your facebook notifications, maybe it’s under there Also, how come you didn’t ask me if I’m the murderer. I’m Driving quickly away from a murder You’re horrible at this He didn’t know how to handle omus ass He just kept sticking that script he’s like so where you going to in such a hurry Away from murder What direction you headed what direction the one we’re facing I’m going west it’s the interstate. I’m not banging. Aue I’m going west and so are you? Why are you going west cuz we’re upstate New York, that’s where the world lives I’m not going to Vermont. It’s 2:00 in the morning Vermont’s closed I’m going to Buffalo Why are you going to Buffalo I Don’t know cuz they probably find a place to sleep in Buffalo It’s 2:00 in the morning You don’t know where you’re sleeping tonight No don’t know if you recall from earlier But someone was murdered at my hotel.
So I’m gonna go now, and he said okay, and he let me go Is he did not uh write that up I have not done it yet, but I would really like to review that Hotel on Yelp.
Well I want it to be perfect, so here’s what I have my saved drafts Excellent continental breakfast too much murder ample parking Three stars I’m not gonna it one star you gotta be a dick to give something one star. It was just one murder two Murders give a place one star, but one murder. What about the breakfast? I? Understand people that give One star means nothing worse could have happened That’s what it means one star you what happened? My fries were cold oh Your fries were cold That’s the worst possible thing that could happen your friend. What if your fries were cold, and I put my dick in your fries? What then leave yourself room for fewer stars It’s not a tie.
Sometimes people do that on YouTube. I don’t mean they’ll put their dicks in somebody’s press Although probably they’re an awful lot of channels But I don’t subscribe my point is sometimes you will review something negatively to make themselves feel better But didn’t like this video Here’s what I do, and I don’t like a video. I’m a weirdo. Here’s what do. I watch a different one What the is wrong with you? That you gotta write that out just click thumbs down and move on with your life if you have to warn the rest of us Just click thumbs down move on Who do you like this video the only reason you have to write that out is because you want that tie to your username So you can show your friends that you should on a stranger feel better about your small life I? have to be so rude about this video you ever do anything like that you you’re a bad person don’t act like that I Didn’t like this free piece of art a no obligation watch and the watch something else you’re a bad decision maker that shits on you What’s wrong with you, you know tell everybody everything you just walk by a restaurant poke your head in I’m not eating here Well you’re a vegan, and this is a KFC so Someone tweeted they don’t like one of my videos I looked at their Twitter to see who were they had one follower I Was like hey, man you didn’t need to tweet that you could have just told someone Why would you waste your time tweeting anything with one follower why do you have a Twitter account with one follower?.
How about you talk to people expand your base get the word out you know? Tell your parents. That’s two people just call your parents. Just call them you live with them Just yell up the stairs just you off the stairs One follower that means even the spam robots are like no, thank like you know sad that is.
But I enjoy Twitter a great deal, I love Twitter you can learn from Twitter When something is trending and I don’t know why I will click on it to learn what the rest of the world was talking about I Saw that Leviticus was trending And I was like why would Leviticus be trending then I thought oh, maybe jay-z has a new, baby So I click on it.
Something else entirely The reason lava takus trending was because there was a religious group there was using quote from Leviticus to persecute gay people There’s a quote that says Commit Adultery thou shalt not lie with a man the way one would lie with a woman They were using that to say that being gay was an abomination And I thought no you read that wrong That’s not a prohibition That’s basic sex advice Think it through Thy Neighbor thou shalt not lie with a man the way one would lie with a woman yea, they got different parts flip him over. It’s simple Before Leviticus to dudes were just banging dicks and then.
God was like whoa whoa? Thy God thou shalt not lie with a man the way one would live with a woman, and they were like good lookin out God and then Leviticus was the first issue of Cosmo now Most do you enjoyed that a few of you didn’t because you’re prejudiced, but my point is that? You can learn from Twitter My favorite thing on Twitter right now are the redneck boycotts Rednecks have been all over Twitter in the last year. I think it’s because they just got the Internet They’re like real excited about it. You know and Anytime anything progressive happens there will be a fake redneck boycott now what I mean by this is so Trump banned immigrants and Then Starbucks came out and they said hey we’re gonna hire 10,000 refugees All these xenophobic rednecks went on Twitter We’re not going to store books anymore And I was like When the did you drink Starbucks? And if you did didn’t you stop when they had a red cup What are you talking about One of the actors in Hamilton had some words for Mike Pence during a performance All these blindly patriotic rednecks went on Twitter They were like we’re not gonna go see Hamilton anymore And I was like What are you talking about you can’t boycott something you don’t use we’re not gonna drink Starbucks. We’re not gonna go see Hamilton We’ll get a boycott next Portland, Oregon shut up. You don’t use these things The one boycott Dakota worked was the Budweiser boycott During the Superbowl Budweiser had an ad and the point of the ad was Budweiser saying hey You know our company was founded by immigrants like most things in this country So maybe take a step back for a second consider the ramifications of your actions All these rednecks went on Twitter, they’re like we’re not gonna drink Budweiser anymore, and I was like Yes you What are you talking about no one chooses to drink Budweiser, that’s not a choice you’re born that way We live in a very tolerant time right now we accept you for who you are.
Whatever an adult does in the privacy of their own inner tube is up to them I? think that’s in Leviticus somewhere I Know jay-z’s, baby. Yeah jay-z’s painful But Budweiser was spelled wrong in the hashtag true, that’s real The word Budweiser is spelled bu dwe is er, but they spelled of W. Is, ER like the word Weiser particularly ironic like how Do you misspell your own political movement, how’s that even possible? You guys remember that famous speech from Martin Luther King right? I have a dram you guys remember that right I’m scrolling through these tweets, and I’m like how dumb are these people that I saw one I was like oh that dump Because there was a tweet that said we need to support a real American beer like Heinekens Why does your vote count the same as mine that doesn’t sound fair I.
Feel like maybe rednecks vote should count like a little bit less not a lot less just maybe like three-fifths you know But the problem with Twitter the problem with Facebook the problem with any social media is us.
Because we argue when someone’s crazy, and we shouldn’t Stop paying attention to crazy. Let crazy shout into silence and crazy will go away In the real world we do that In the real world we ignore it if somewhere out there on a street corner right now yelling out I’m the Roman Emperor you would just cross the street But on Facebook you’re like hear all the reasons while you’re not the Roman Emperor like why would you talk to that person? There should be across the street button on Facebook when that be sweet Someone post something Scoob, it’d be like 31 people cross the street at this post All right dial back the crazy I Try not to argue with people Sometimes you can’t help, but though sometimes the situation comes to you The Home Buyer first time I was ever pulled over by a cop. I got a ticket for unsafe lane change Now I didn’t know that was a thing If you unfamiliar here’s what it means you’re driving the speed limit Then you put your turn signal on then you carefully change lanes And there’s a cop in that Lane trying to speed by you. He gives you a ticket. That’s what it means While I prevented an office of the law from breaking the law and that is against the law so It was how he gave me the ticket though that stayed with me because the first thing said he didn’t say You know fast you were going you were driving recklessly. He didn’t even say who was your doing. You didn’t say any of that He just looks mean he goes well, thanks for making was stuff flow everywhere Thanks for making my stuff, I’m sorry officer unorganized, but what stuff do you have To fly everywhere you playing Jenga in your passenger seat, what happened before I got here How do you drive did all the books come off your bookshelf? How do you drive? Maybe heaps a handgun on the dashboard It just keeps handing on the dash. He slams the brakes hand gun flies to the windshield accidentally shoots a black man He’s like no. I don’t believe this like is that how went out I? Know I was offended too, and I Gave him my license I.
Figured it was all I could do Cuz there wasn’t a moment in my head where I was like it is gonna work out great in the end So I gave him my license I figured he would look me up he would find out it well He would try to look me up his computer would be anywhere, but he would do his best to find it Sift through the rubble Then he would look me up he’d find out I have a good record he’d come back with a warning That’d be the end of it that Wasn’t the end of it? Because he came back with a ticket in under two minutes Under two minutes he ever been pulled by a cop Takes him longer than 15 minutes. Just walk to the car doesn’t it Because they’re messing with your head, they’re trying to ice the kicker That’s what doing they’re trying to make sure you’re so frazzled by the time. They finally get to the car You’re like ah cocaine to the glovebox like that’s what they want I? Was mad I was like why you giving me this ticket?.
He said well if I would have hit you would have been your fault I Said no you hit me That sounds a lot like your fault He said yeah, but you took the lane, so it’s your fault I said okay for ten time If we’re gonna do this at least let’s do this correctly Whether or not. I took the lane is immaterial because we’re in California right now Which is a one-party state that means is the person at the back of any accident is responsible for the entire accident? he said I don’t know that’s how it works I Said well, I am NOT a Average Salary police officer Aren’t you a Job Description police officer so Hey, do you think we should ask you So I just kept asking the questions, that’s what did I some after question Because he was mad that I slowed him down that guy asked him 27 minutes worth of questions. That’s right. Yeah, I Detained a New York police officer. That’s what I did this happened in Luverne, California the guy’s name was officer, Alvarez. I do not have a joke about his name.
I just think that you should know it because he’s a prick so La Verne officer alvarez from Luverne Phone Number police department, I’m gonna say 2/3 time Verne Police officer alvarez from Luverne Non Emergency police department I’m gonna tell that joke every day this year. That’s right. Yeah Yeah, this happened last march you that guy here’s why I do this because one of you will help me get my revenge I Don’t know who it’ll Could be someone watching this tonight You’ll be driving through Laverne. It’ll be months from now You’ll have forgotten about this show you won’t even know that you’re in Laverne cuz no one goes there on purpose you passed through on Your way to somewhere decent, and then you’ll get pulled over cuz you’ll have just done something legal, so People get pulled over Tonight will come flooding back to And you will see that it says Alvarez and you’ll say I’ve heard a great deal about you And I will have won Because I don’t like when people in positions of power get into those positions just to abuse the power of that position but thanks to people but Cops are not the worst at this. They’re not Airlines Hiring flight attendants They’re the tourists.
Cuz they lie to us the first thing they say your safety is our number-one concern no It’s not no. It’s not our money is your number-one concern if you care to anything for my safety Why is the seat in front of me made of hard plastic seven inches from my nose? Why is that? Huh? You think that’s safe pilot pumps the brakes look do like you think that’s safe Pumps the brake what the am I talking about pumps the brake Then how it works up there another plane just tailgating behind like go around I’m picking someone up go around You can see my flashers. I don’t even know if there are brakes on a poo breaks on a plane scary movie anyway, so Get these motherfucking brakes off my motherfucking plane So I try to avoid talking to the American Airlines flight attendants when fly I try to avoid talking to anyone when I fly.
Because we are the worst version of ourselves The second we get to an airport. I don’t know what Lord of the Flies shit happens But we’re just like society. This is day My guy was flying to Japan And I was happy in an airport for the Home Buyers first time I’m never happy to an airport because we really are the worst version of ourselves There’s always someone on the flight with a shrieking baby who doesn’t care that they brought the most Hackneyed cliche thing you could possibly we’re gonna plant like oh, they’re so temperamental when they’re this age. I’m like yeah. I’m still temperamental I’m gonna kill that baby Oh, he’s got learn to cry himself out. Oh he does ha not today He’s gotta learn to shut the up today This is a teachable moment Now I am NOT saying if you have a kid you cannot fly with your kid obviously If you have a kid and you have to fly you have to fly with your kid what I am saying is make an effort That is what I asked of you just make an effort. There are so many laws in the sky How come try isn’t one of them? fail all you want, but I want to see you try I Don’t want the flight attendant to help. I want them to just walk right out be like hey, can you just? Set that baby to airplane mode You know I’d be happy to check it to your final destination help That’ll never happen. That’s my sick dream, but it’ll never happen I just want to show up at baggage claim once just one day see a bunch of just a conveyor belt with a bunch of babies going and around Some confused dad being like don’t just take one a lot of them look the same. You can’t just think It’s a terrifying announcement.
Don’t just take bag a lot of them look the same. I have flown thousands of times I’ve never taken someone else’s back. Here’s my trick. Here’s my trick um I’m not dumb That’s the trick Yeah, I get off the plane that I’m not a dumb guy, then I get my bag that I’m still not a dumb guy it’s a four-step process and If you have taken someone else’s back, and you feel bad about yourself right now good let the pain be a lesson because I Want better for you How do you screw that up your names on your back I Don’t even mean the bag tag that you should be smart enough as an adult put on your bag I mean the one that every airline anywhere affixes to your bag that white sticker with name Origin your destination. Why does your bag know more about than you know about your bag? How did that happen? To step off the plane, thought I was Scott, but I guess I’m Brian today Hope Brian has better stuff than Scott did well Scott stuff is used Also your bed looks like your bag, I think that should be the biggest clue.
That your bag is your bag if the one you were touching four hours ago How long is your flight that you plum forgot? What your bag look like you’re not going around the world in 80 days jules verne you’re going to Dallas pick up your bag There’s no one in cargo Furiously painting all the bags like no it looks like how bad are you in life? You get in anyone’s car. Are you my wife? I don’t know things. I don’t know thanks Time to start a new life with my new stuff I.
Hope it’s better than my old stuff don’t hit the brake my stuff will fly everywhere And then there’s always someone taking up half of my seat.
Why is that okay? We shouldn’t have to be ok with that I bought a seat. I’d like that whole seat There’s never been a box to check off that says donate half my seat to charity Bought a seat, I want a seat But I don’t want have to pay for two seats Okay, I didn’t want have to pay for one seat, but I did not fit in no seats So what am I to do I had upgrade to the one? Because they don’t sell these in half C increments Maybe they should We could start like an app we could start an app or like two people go buy three seats on one flight Yeah, be called can’t fit in a kayak calm Most of you were with me.
Some of you didn’t laugh somebody didn’t laugh some of you were distracted trying to figure out whether or not you can make the app But others looked at me stone-faced.
How dare you sir you’re skinny, you can’t make jokes about fat people how dare you how dare you? You don’t know me you’ve known me for a half hour think you know what I’ve always looked like as I look like this right now I Used to weigh over 300 pounds yeah, I topped out at 308 in high school was very difficult for me and one day I decided to do something about it and I started running and I became my thing and I ran every day I ran every day for 15 years So that I could look like this Now true. That’s true But if you change your mind about me, you’re a hypocrite you should know that about yourself, so.
You shouldn’t ever let someone excuse a joke just because they’re part of who they’re making fun of some comedians will try to do that a bad joke is a bad joke no matter who tells it an offensive jokes an offensive joke no matter who tells it I Was working with the Chinese comic once and came offstage, and he asked me he was like What do you think of my set I? Said I think he came off as kind of racist He said I can’t be racist um Chinese. I said first of all that’s kind of racist Second of all More importantly you did a joke about how all Asian people can’t drive. That’s a racist joke he said well I could say that I’m Chinese So what you’re not all Asian people you’re one Chinese guy you’re only one more Chinese guy than I Am two Chinese guys away from being more Chinese guys than you are And statistically speaking to is not a large number of Chinese guys, and that is a joke about global population my point is That we pay for what we use Were adults that is the social contract you use two seats you pay for two seats. I am six foot four I Pay extra for the exit row because I need that legroom if I were eight foot four Do you think I would not buy the seat in front of me? Do you think I would just let my leg dangle over your seat? Just kick you in the face at the back of my shoe Don’t oppress me I’m big-boned and that’d be true cuz tall people have big bones because that’s how bones work What’s this big bones GARP you’re not big-boned your beak near bones, the bones are the same size No one’s going to the gym to work off their bones. Okay? Oh? It’s glutes lats and bone day at the gym Bone day is the hardest day at the gym. Don’t skip bone day So my point is I was going to Japan.
And I was happy in the airport for the Promo Code first time But my happiness got derailed cuz as I’m walking through LS I see a woman with a dog Just shitting in airport the dog was shitting we’re on the same page I Don’t know how your imaginations work, but I don’t want anyone to just picture a woman holding a dog The woman was on the phone that was the problem.
She was on FaceTime ignoring the dog you can’t control what your dog does but you also can’t ignore your dog in a public place So this woman is ignoring the dogs is on the phone and someone sees this and says hey miss your dog Looks away from her phone Looks at the guy looks back at her phone and says some people are so rude I Know we’re like. Oh this woman dies today. You know this is exciting But she starts to walk away.
Yeah, she just leaves Someone else tries to intercept her and says miss you can’t just leave that there you have to clean up after yourself And she says oh, they have people for that You ever say that about cleaning up after yourself, they have people for that we should all you up cuz they got doctors Guarding this shit.
That’s my new job. I’m guarding the shit. It wasn’t in itinerary the Delta sent me But that’s my new job So I’m guarding the shit cuz if I walk away. I’m part of the story I saw it happen I can’t just leave that there because if I walk away Someone’s gonna wheel their bag right into it Cuz you don’t expect to see that you don’t walk through an airport being like hope there’s no dog shit on the ground like no You walk through an airport just going Cinnabon like that’s all you do So I’m guarding the shit.
Maintenance comes over they clean it up, and I thought okay now I can go to my game Now and go to Japan now. I can be happy almost optimistic But I couldn’t be happy yet Because this woman was at my gate She was also going to Tokyo and she has now done something even worse than what she had already done What could possibly be worse than leaving your dog shit on the floor without cleaning it up something some of you have done before she Was listening to music in a public space with no headphones on don’t ever do that don’t ever do that? We don’t need you to be her airport deejay there playing smooth jazz they got us covered okay How inconsiderate of a human being does she have to be I just pictured her car parked diagonally across three spaces With paint on the bumper from the tricycle. She hit you know just a total dick and Most people are avoiding her, but she’s loud and obnoxious, but I decided to sit down next to Cruella And have a little bit of fun I Say are you going to London on business? To which she says I’m gonna Tokyo to which I say oh No that flex move to get 53 see this is the flight to London Now that’s fun for a lot of reasons The main one is I want to give her that little bit of panic you know that self-doubt I’m talking about that Moment in your life like every time I’ve ever checked into a hotel it takes them one extra second define Hofstetter I’m like if this hotel even real. You know like that That’s all I wanted for her I.
Figured it would last Maybe a couple of seconds she would get up. She would check the monitor see it still said Japan She would look at the United Airlines gate agent the American Airlines gate agent would say yes. This is the flight to Japan She would look around the gate and see that everyone except for me was Japanese like why? Did she not notice that why am I there? What does she think I’m their teacher? What am I doing there this red hats taking all these Japanese people to London. This is a weird day He’s only one Japanese person away from being Japanese But she doesn’t do any of that she just gets up and leaves just walks away doesn’t even thank me which I thought was rude, but just please I Know some people are so rude She just leaves So I got up, and I boarded the plane, and then I don’t know what the happened How could know I was in Japan I have no idea what happened in Los Angeles I Know that I was happy I Know a few more details of the story I.
Know that she was not on my plane Now I know that Because I was sitting toward the front if she had walked by me. I’d have noticed her But more importantly we were delayed by about 20 minutes Now if you don’t fly much you might think that’s the plane waiting for her That’s adorable Planes don’t wait for people this isn’t a carpool. We’re going to Japan and we are leaving However if you check a bag and then you miss your flight For safety reasons they have to take the time to take the bag off that process takes about 20 minutes So I’m just laughing.
I’m losing my mind everyone else is upset everyone else is on look like worry on the turn back through so long I’m like you have no idea what I just did for you have no idea I’m not the hero you deserve, but I’m the one you need I.
Know two more details I.
Know lax very well, so well that I know that there is no gate 53 see That was an extra middle finger on the you sandwich Also know that Delta only has one flight from Los Angeles to Tokyo per day The one that I was on Now it is possible that they rebooked her onto another airline that is possible I Hope it was United and they beat the out of our hopes Because they have people for that I.
Have this thing that makes it difficult for me to fly I have this condition where I don’t like people Some of you know what I’m talking about some of you meet more people you get it and You ever meet so many shitheads in a row you get introduced to someone new you’re like this’ll probably suck So I just hang out with my dog, that’s what do, I was hanging out with my dog He’s the best he’s a staff at your bull terrier named Walter Matthau. He’s awesome. Yeah, if you’re unfamiliar with staff He is a breed. It’s like a pit bull face on a pig’s body Yeah, he’s a potato with feet. He’s the best and Sometimes people are afraid of pit bulls cuz they’re illiterate Well if you know anything about dogs, you know you’re more likely to get bit by a small dog than a big dog Anybody who has a small dog knows that? Anybody was a small friend also knows that? But people will make that inane argument well if it did bite, you wouldn’t it hurt more because it’s bigger Yeah, probably but we don’t ban big people they could hurt us more I Looked this up the Netherlands tallest country People on average in the Netherlands are a foot taller than some other countries and no one has ever said don’t go to the Netherlands What if one snapped? They’re nice people Now I can’t always bring Walter on the road with me I tried to but there’s some places that have breed specific legislation Now if you’re unfamiliar with BSL. Here’s what it means County will get together and based on minutes of research That’s comedic exaggeration they don’t do any research based Feeling in the face of statistics. They will ban a breed of dog decide it’s too dangerous The ban a breed of dog should protect people, and then if you go through that place with that breed They can impound him and put him down that day with no due process Which is strange to me because those same places don’t seem to care about gun control that’s confusing I Guess it makes a little bit of sense. I mean maybe one day seven get real drunk and accidentally fire off their pit bull Now for the gun owners in the crowd, and this is Indiana so away we go For the gun owners in the crowd I have a point to make.
No one’s coming for your guns You sound dumb when you speak like that They’re taking our guns No one’s taking it we want you to register your guns let you register anything potentially dangerous you register your car with no issue When you’re at the DMV, you’re like they’re taking our cars What did you just say yeah first we get driver’s licenses next thing you know we’re walking everywhere It’s a slippery slope no sometimes. It’s flatland and That there are gun owners in this crowd right now who are getting uncomfortable? You’re getting upset about this material but every single gun owner here knows someone who owns a gun that you wish didn’t every last one of you has been at the Firing range. I’ve been like grads here We’re all gonna die every single one of you That’s who I don’t want to have a gun Now you might say well It doesn’t matter what you want because of the Second Amendment protects them as a right and not a privilege And I’ll give you that I’ll give you the Second Amendment defend the Second Amendment with all of your heart if you also defend Every other amendment or know what they say Amendment people are hilarious Freedom of speech right to bear arms I’m tired like what about the rest? There are so many Like the Court Cases seventh amendment No one ever cares about the Supreme Court seventh amendment Why doesn’t anyone ever defend the News Articles seventh amendment none of you even know what it says some of you trying to think of it Right now you’re like as you plead the fifth. No. That’s the fifth amendment The Constitution Ninety seventh amendment says that every civil matter involving more than $20 can go to full jury trial or Maybe a dozen you know no my point is Either amendments are sacred or they’re not It’s simple as that and if you’re someone who feels you need to own a gun because you want to protect yourself from your Neighbor, okay, I support that do I think that the Second Amendment is important I think that a person who is educated responsible and Should be allowed to own a gun however if you need a gun because you’re afraid of the government you Don’t know how tanks work What is your plan.
When the tanks come rolling down the street just like we’ve prepared for this Do not think we’ve prepared for this They have invisible planes are just gonna shoot the sky Julie hit Wonder Woman like what is your plan my point is I love my dog and They are coming for our dogs I Was never a dog person I was never a dog person until I went on a date with a really hot girl and she was Like I love dogs. I was like you’re hot me too that’s Darwinism, so now I have a dog and I love him very much, and I’ve become an advocate in the rescue community And I’m learning a great deal about dogs. My friends are trying to educate make me a better part of that community one of my friends sent me a story that said there was a dog Touch Screen acting weird and They figured out that their houses on fire just because the dog was Windows 10 acting weird It sends me another story says there was a dog Macbook Pro acting weird And they figured out that their kid had autism because the dog was Iphone 6 acting weird He sends me these stories like aren’t these stories incredible I? These are the worst stories I’ve ever heard Sometimes my dog acts weird Now I need to figure out what the is wrong You know terrifying that knowledge is every time my dog goes in a circle one too many times after do I have epilepsy or Leave the stove on or my dog ate a grape what happened By the way if you ever figure out that your child has autism because your dog acts weird Please pay more attention to your family. I think that’s Solid if I said, I’m using your dog as the check engine light if your household I Had one dog that was a weirdo he was part Dalmatian in part Chihuahua, I know that means something terrible happened.
That’s not romantic.
What do you think that was Romeo and Juliet just know I love is forbidden because it’s physically impossible like no a Dalmatian took down a chihuahua you get that right The most badass Chihuahua of all time Climbed aboard pick the spot and went to town my point is He shouldn’t even exist but I love my little right baby. I love him so much It’s not fault his dad was an asshole, but it’s not his fault Now because I love dogs Because I have one My cousin is convinced that means I’m going to have kids like it’s a gateway drug I Think it’s because parents will do anything to convince the rest of us to become you What do you have a kid become one of us? What do you have a kid become one we don’t do that to you? You are the shittiest cult It let’s jump up as witnesses knock on the door before they start with their shit What are you gonna? Have a kid become one of us when you never kid become one twenty you can have a kid we don’t do that to you We’re not like what are you gonna murder your kids? Become one of us But you don’t know true joy until you have children think you do, but don’t? You don’t know true joy. You think you. Do you don’t know to joy. You know I sleep till noon That’s not true joy, you’re sleep-deprived. That’s delirium, but.
Who’s gonna take care of when you get older if you don’t have any children It costs a quarter of a million dollars to raise a child So instead of having two kids, I’m gonna have half a million dollars And then I’m gonna use that money to hire your kids to take care of me They won’t have any time left to take care of cuz you didn’t plan my Cousin will call me up brag about his son without of considering my feelings.
Say things like Oh today James said the funniest thing The funniest thing I’m a professional comedian. What the that James said oh? He pronounced a word wrong he’s not funny. He’s behind in school. You should help James Instead of mocking your child he said nothing funny. I said something funny about James He’s eight, please Don’t James My cousin is such a nag He says things like oh you have a dog. You’re just practicing for children, and I say you’re a bad parent If you don’t the difference between dogs and kids that’s day one For the parents in the crowd. I don’t mean to get cocky I know I’ve never had children, but I feel like I wouldn’t know the difference I Know you don’t truly know until you go through the experience yourself But I feel like they would hand me my baby, and I would be like not a dog and then Hakuna Matata, it would be beautiful It’s obvious to anyone who has ever met at least one each of those things that dogs and kids are very different It’s clear dogs and kids are incredibly different dogs are way smarter than kids. It’s obvious oh I have proof I have proof. I own a home and all my electrical outlets are uncovered They’re just open to the public My dogs never do like he’s never done that because he’s good at being alive But a child Will put their finger in an outlet get shocked and be like let me go find a Ford like it’s insane And how bad kids are at basic survival? You don’t believe me put a plastic bag next to one for 15 seconds I Never said walk away Stick close you’ll be needed in a moment No child has ever had the smart thought no kid anywhere has ever looked at that bag and said I Could put my things in that bag Carry them from to room Make my life a little more convenient Every kid no matter where they’re from in the world is that same dumb space helmet like every single kid Even if their country has no space program. I don’t know how they know If you’re a parent you know, I’m right you don’t want me to be but you know I am You just follow your child around it’s going die don’t because you can it up emotionally But you can’t let it die. That’s the rule right the kid Coz if you kill someone you’re a monster, but if you raise a murderer you did your best like why? Aren’t you part of that? You taught a murderer how to walk. That’s the first part of murdering. Kids will do anything potentially fatal.
Anything if there was an after-school program where children could sign of her fatal activities. It would be full immediately and Then empty like a week later Because they’re efficient And if you still don’t believe me the dogs are smarter than kids answer this why has there never been a seeing eye kid That’s a fair question There’s a lot of blind people there’s a ton of kids and no one has ever thought maybe these two together No one’s ever made that mistake because if you had a seeing-eye kid. You don’t else you would have Deadlines man that’s what you’d have yeah Then a child playing in the middle of traffic next to a corpse as cars whiz by its dumb face. ‘Cuz it doesn’t know it’s in danger. And at some point kids do become smarter than dogs I don’t know what age it is. I think it’s like 27 or 28. I don’t know when it happens Now there are probably some 25 year-olds in this crowd who are offended by that joke But there are definitely some 25 roads in this crowd who did not get that joke and my point is If you have a young child at home you have to get a babysitter just to join us tonight.
That’s right yet to hire another child To watch your child in some kind of Russian nesting doll of irresponsibility Why would you ever trust a 15 year old with a baby?.
I wouldn’t trust a 15 year old with a shared cell phone plan. Why would you give it a baby? Because you have no choice If you don’t hire a babysitter you’re stuck at home for 10 years. a decade of house arrest You have to spend more on your babysitter than you do on going out My dog is home alone right now. I don’t give a shit You know how great that is? I’m here my dogs like "I got this, I’m four." Already figured this whole thing out I’ll never lie to you in standup, my dog is not four he’s 13 Which means he’s only known how to take care of himself for 13 years But my point is I don’t like talking to people on planes, so I try to sleep through every flight that is my goal I bring a real pillow with me like a bedroom pillow And I was flying back home LA to do a show and I put the pillow next to me. I put my head down In the flight attendant comes racing over, and she says you can’t have a pillow in the exit row and I said, but I do It appears we’re at an impasse. She said well, what happens if we crash? I said it’ll help I don’t know if you’ve heard much about pillows, but fantastic. They’re soft. They float. Those are two characteristics I would want to bring something to a San Francisco plane crash I’d want them to have those character- if I could bring anything in the world to a Hudson River plane crash I would bring a pillow and a second plane those would be the two things I would need She said no, what if we crash and the pillow falls and someone has to get by it, what would you do? I said "Oh, well in that case. uh I’ll let them step on my pillow Because I’m not a monster" You’d have to be for someone to be on fire screaming And I would just say "Can you please watch the pillow?" Yeah, I get it burning alive whatevs That cost me $8 I won’t even be there to say that, I’m in the exit row. I’m the first one that off the plane But she keeps at it She says no what if the pillow slows them down. What if a pillow slows someone down during a Jenni Rivera plane crash? It’s their time. Yeah, uh I believe Darwin was a smart guy. Big fan, and uh I don’t think we need that person I think we get rid of the link strengthen the chain because what is that person gonna do for us? They’re just gonna die tomorrow on some final destination shit like why? Why do we- if you can’t get by a pillow in a New York plane crash? You’d be like "I have to get out." "Ahhhhh!" Think Jerry think.
We didn’t lose a doctor when that happened. Okay, we lost Verne California officer alvarez when will Vern San Diego police department. That’s it we lost But she keeps it up.
She says no what if the pillow obscures their path what if the pillow obscures their path? I think you mean obstructs their path I understand the words obscures and obstructs they start the same, but they get real different And I don’t want you mixing up words because your job is to protect us in case of an emergency You’re in charge of our safety as I recall it is your number-one concern And I don’t want you up when there’s a problem. I don’t want to hear everybody head toward the explosion I mean exit I don’t want that But let’s explore what you did me What if a pillow obscures someone’s view of their path or obstructs their path Now how hilariously tiny aren’t the people on this airplane That a pillow is gonna get in anyone’s way ever I’ve never seen a movie. They get to the end of a tunnel I’ve never seen that Dude on the other that mile for me was so big He could kool-aid man his way out of the plane which was particularly funny cuz he was wearing all red but nobody laughed, so she was kept at it and She said you’re gonna have to give me that pillow and I said you’re gonna have to give me a good reason And then she said the strangest thing I’ve heard of my whole life She said crazy things had happened during a Marshall University plane crash a paper cut could decapitate some of their in a Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash Paper cut could decapitate someone during a Football Team plane crash those words in that order on purpose What else is ping-pong around on her head I like peanut butter. Do you swim like what else is up there? But that’s what she landed on a paper cut could the cabinet somebody in a Gta 5 plane crash and I said That’s not a thing cuz I was out of clever. I had no response I’m a pretty quick guy that chamber was empty Well conversation is a two-way street I say something that leads you to say some peripherally related to what I just said that’s not what happened that day Cuz all I said was you’re gonna have to give me a good reason. I didn’t say For 10 years. I didn’t say that But that’s what she heard and she said a paper cut could decapitate somebody in a Dale Earnhardt plane crash And wish I had thought about I would have said something smarter, which that time to think about I said Will not accept premise the paper could decapitate somebody in a Air Force plane crash so I accept premise the paper at the exact right Velocity at the exact right angle could sever rain you could bleed out with papers not going through bone paper is not going through bone If it could paper rock scissors would finally make sense But it doesn’t and it never will and why are we even talking about paper? We’re talking about pillows a second Oh, there’s paper everywhere in airplane. This is a dope we’re running. There’s a sky wall in front of me There is a dude in 7b the USA Today It’s gonna decapitate every last one of us your safety instructions are written on a piece of paper And those are your number one concern But I did not have all that So I just said that’s not a thing But the crazy train had a second stop to make She said well, you don’t know you’ve never been in a plane crash, and I said well you’re talking to me, so you haven’t either assuming I’m assuming. She’s not the sole survivor for crash we never heard of just the great paper. Got crash of 2004 and We never heard of because it wasn’t in the news so they tried to interview her did they went right to her house They said we have a few questions for you. She said who are you they said we’re with the paper? She said I’m afraid of paper They never got the story and now she goes to work every day Surrounded a mountain of sky malls Sudokus and she persevered even though She has PTSD which is very serious paper traumatic stress disorder It’s incredibly serious and makes opening letters very difficult for her, but she persevered because she’s an American Hero She is a nutball on a power trip Likely that one So I gave her the pillow. I just want it to be over. There’s no arguing with unearned Authority So I gave her the pillow and it was over I Put my Alaska Bear sleep mask on. Okay. It was over for about three seconds Cuz I put my Dream Essentials sleep mask on and she shook me, which is assault, but she shook me And she said you’re gonna have to give me that La Prairie sleep mask and I lost my shit. Are you kidding me? I was like are people gonna have a problem getting by this Also is caught on a rubber band gonna kill everybody in the airplane so but what happens if we crash you have taken off what? do I said I’ll take it off. What did you pray? It’s not locked. It’s not a magic trick ha What are you talking about? I’ll just take its cotton a rubber band gonna kill everybody in the airplane soon Well anything that slows you down could kill you. I said why would you put us all in seatbelt um? You know tie us down to your death trap is that your plan shit? But what happens if we crash and you’re asleep. What will you do said, I will wake the up. That’s what I’ll do I’m not sleeping through a plane crash. What kind of a narcoleptic family. Do you have? That you think I could sleep through a plane crashing around these on fire screaming. I’m like five more minutes Mommy, do you think that’s a possibility? If we do crash, and I am asleep, can you just not wake me Who wake someone up to die You almost miss this Yeah, you were gonna die without knowing We wanted to make sure that you died with fear in your heart We understand that you have a choice when it comes to air travel we’d like to thank you for flying United So I finally get home, and I’m driving to the gig.
There’s a guy in front of me about to make the last left turn before I get there and he’s not turning left You ever get caught behind somebody like that There’s like how I do this? What’s next why am I in Brian’s car It just has no idea what they’re doing And I don’t mean like he’s looking down at his phone not paying attention like an adult I mean staring straight ahead like a psychopath just not moving The reason that happens is because we give people driver’s licenses when they’re 16, and we don’t road test them again for decades That doesn’t sound safe Why we do why are we okay with that just give someone a driver’s license well, thank you have to road test ever again Now you got this what if the laws change rendering everything I know useless You got this What if technology changes rendering everything everyone knows useless you got this? What if I renew my license by mail for 50 years don’t ever get behind the wheel of a car again Is it still legal to drive? Can’t possibly be legal to drive right no, you got this I Don’t remember anything I learned when I was 16 do if you had a trigonometry to start your car? How many of us would take the bus And that’s who I was behind cuz this guy’s not taking a left. There’s a space. He doesn’t go but light turns yellow He doesn’t go light turns red. He doesn’t go Finally those beat and then he goes now I’m stuck in the middle of an intersection on a red light in Los Angeles I Have a decision to make two choices Either stay in the middle of intersection or take a left on red, which would you do? Left on red I agree with you I agree with you. The cop who saw that she did not agree with you and so Would have been helpful to have you there argue my case But she was right to pull me over she only saw me break the law She didn’t see the guy in front of me, so she comes over the car. There wasn’t a moment in my head or I thought it’s probably gonna work out great and So she asked me for my license or registration And I give them to her she looks down at them She hands them right back to me the motions for me to go forward I Said officer is everything all right she said yeah, I saw your show So where did you see my show? she said Syracuse I Don’t be named you have a good day That’s when I decided that I should be an optimist, thank you so much, Indiana have a good night.
Now they’re gonna work I can do your set can’t you’re my said no one should do your set.