Uncensored starring Card Tour russell peters please welcome Red White russell peters it’s like a Benetton ad this good.
This is a lot of different kinds of people hit good evening folks you alright well one Indian guys all right the rest of you okay that’s good well that’s crazy that laughs all right good huh it’s good to be back I was at my parents house about a month ago and I was watching TV with my dad right we were sitting in the Interior Design living room watching TV and we were they had like the gay pride parade was on that weekend we’re well whatever makes you happy and they were showing the head like a live feed not like a live feed but like they were showing up David they were showing the parade right they were showing it on TV so how would you grow up all right for watching the parade right and then all of a sudden these three gay Indian guys came on the screen right I don’t mean came on the screen but I mean they are you know they appeared right some watch in there right and these three gaining guys like an Indian and we’re gay we represent the gay South Asian and my dad looks at me and he goes that is disgusting do you know them how would I know them because they are of the game and you are in the entertainment business then my dad started got really irritated with them you know because they were just kept showing them on the screen they really bother me no because this is you knows gay pride and they’re just being proud and gay right so my dad started get really irritated with a go this is wrong we should not have gay Indians Indian men should not be gay we got a population crisis over there we could use a couple of homos in India right now I love when people concern themselves with stuff that’s never gonna affect their life that means same-sex marriages I got bigger things to worry about than the same-sex man I got to worry about an First Night arranged marriage be out of control when they got same-sex X Reader arranged marriages that’s when it’s gonna be out of control Indian family realizes her son’s gay when he’s you know we must find him a nice boy someone from a good family and a big closet Zayn Malik arranged marriage is a big problem in my community man and he’s not so much a problem it’s a problem if you want it to be a problem it’s a problem for me in an MP my parents tried that on me last year they came up to me like my mom goes dude I said you’re getting older now and you’re not married what if I bring some nice girls home for you I got my break nice girls home all I just leave in the morning that’s a nice girl right signor no I will pick some girls and you can choose the one you like okay you are your my mom wanted to pick my wife I would let my mom pick my clothes back to my mom walking in with this girl I know she’s a little big now but you’ll grow big deal in the Indian community if you’re not married man I’m not married I don’t really I’m not really big on this whole marriage thing you know I love women too much to get married you know that mean cuz if you love women and you get married then you just love woman I don’t know if I’m ready to do that yeah you know I’m scared of getting that disease too you know that disease when you get married one China I don’t want to get stuck with one giant for the rest of my life have you done a lot of traveling I just came back from Ice Cream south africa I was in the motherland not my motherland obviously you know I mean it’s black people’s motherland you know I’m Indian we have our own motherland England the night I came back from Cape Town south africa it was funny I was doing a show the same night I came back and I’m on stage and I go yeah I just came back from Contact Details south africa some drunk white lady in the back of the room yells out yah mahn I said Best Time south africa freakin Jamaica she’d be better off some people don’t like to laugh at that joke they think it’s racist you ever see that movie the gods must be crazy yeah remember the first time you saw a little African by the you wouldn’t laughing your ass off weren’t you the first time I saw them who ever wrote this is brilliant I went to Nail Polish south africa that’s a real language I didn’t know that man I’m in my elevator in the hotel these three African guys get on board they’re having a conversation I only hear out of coming out of their mothers they go through the center ball and I’m standing there like a jackass laughing that Alma’s got into a fight with them because I was eating pop rocks and they thought I was swearing at them got very tense in that elevator man freaked me out when I went there too you guys never get a chance go to Estee Lauder south africa to freak out you know freaked me out when I went there that I got off the plane there was Indian people not one or two millions of us and here’s the thing Indian people have been in Cream Price south africa for like six seven generations now they’ve been in Africa longer than they’ve been in white people have been in Canada was true but never like 6-7 generate here’s the messed up part Indian people were taken to Red Bull south africa as slaves the hell use an Indian slave come on look physically ready to do hard labor people don’t work that hard give us a calculator will do your taxes man okay we don’t like doing physical labor man could you wait make shitty slaves man imagine how pissed off the first slave owner was all right Raj here’s what you’re gonna do get in that field and pick that cotton No I heard my man let me tell you what okay you pick the cotton and I will get the t-shirts made and together we can wholesaling we don’t.
Do hard physical work like that man why do think you don’t see very many Indian athletes like an Indian guy in the NFL okay down set hike we’re winning glad to see brown people in the audience that’s nice coach you’d be here at the taping it’s free you cheap bastards any people don’t even act like you’re not cheap know you cheat it’s in our blood to be cheap where people say Jews are cheap Jews aren’t actually cheap Jews will spend the money if they think it’s worthwhile a jewel grab a certain I don’t know all right it feels like it’s good material here’s my money where’s an Indian guide like I don’t know I could probably get this made for $4 and when you’re not looking he pulls out a knife how much now it’s it I don’t bite hip Jets we are cheap man it’s in our blood my dad so good at being cheap that he could convince you that you’re wrong I took my dad to a bar he ordered a beer the waiter was like it’s for $0.50 my dad’s like okay here’s three.
She’s standing there like sir what about the other 150 don’t worry about it okay she’s like no you owe me 150 I owe you owe me it’s the same thing go ahead don’t be so cheap some Asian people that’s good hey Chinese whoo saying that could be your last name that’s who can’t do business together Chinese people and any people cannot do business together because Indians cannot live without a bargain and Chinese people cannot give you a bargain their objective is to get every penny from you and I just to keep every penny there’s a really bad power struggle there I went to this Chinese mall some of you may know what Pacific Mall that’s the wrong place for an Indian guy to go I saw this bag I want to buy this bag I go how much do I go to Chinese gang how much he goes $35 how about 30 and Chinese Pig will never tell you know they’ll tell you know the longest know you’ve ever heard you fight like you just said the most ridiculous thing they’ve ever heard they’re like I’ll give you 30 no I can’t do $40 I tell you $40 today you come tomorrow oh my god right well then give me a deal on the person I don’t want to pay 35 bucks okay one sec I talked to my wife one second thank you come on I think I’m going okay you seem like nice guy I’ll give you best price 3450 I’m like that’s 50 cents man goes 50 cent a lot of money you say 50 cent here then maybe you go somewhere else you save another 50 cents then you have one dollar then take you with all our you go to the dollar store you buy something else it starts turning into my money managers.
Let me financial plan for you I’m like know what dude forget it I don’t want it is not a deal he starts telling me stuff that has nothing to do with anything I go I’m leaving he goes hey be a man be a man do the right thing wait I’m gonna do the right thing maybe you don’t find the purse right now you go some you walk around the mall you see something else you don’t buy you come back you say hey I know you don’t get reverti for visiting now price going up maybe $40 be a minute just can’t do business man we could work together we just can’t work with each other good is he black people in the audience – that’s well cuz it’s bright I mean what do all of us I knew sensitive black people I was over there I grew up around black people you don’t scare me I remember I’m Jamaican man Jamaicans are hard people to grow up Brian Jamaicans here tonight I like the most passive Jamaicans ever they’re like Bobo lick shot I’m an a bredrin is a Jamaican quite as Jamaicans in the world Jamaicans are hard people to grow up around you know why is that when I was growing up around Jamaicans you hang around you’re making people long enough you feel the need want to beat you makin they just looked so cool everything about them is cool another kid I was like I wanted to be Jamaican so bad I started dressing like a Jamaican I started wearing a little red yellow and green belt and I started talking like a Jamaican I started listening to reggae music I started having kids I didn’t know about I did everything that I but you know what the shitty thing is a.
Jamaican will never act like you you’re never gonna see a Jamaican guy that grew up in a bunch of Indian guys walking are going hey baby you opening Wapiti not gonna happen you know so bad for my dad cuz he tried fitting in with my Jamaican friends when I was growing up you don’t ever want a man from India trying to speak like a Jamaican at any point during his life my friends would be in the living of my dad walking okay come on Marlon move your two bumbaclot and go home my dad thought punani was a Crossword Clue tropical fruit it is if you think about where the older white folks are look confused right now Kanani is the Jamaican word a for her pom-pom my dad thought it was a.
Tree Nursery tropical fruit one time when I was a kid I was sick and I was messing around my daddy came here and goes oh my god son you’re sick what can I got you I go dad I love punani my dad went to the Jamaican store hey lady where’s your nanny my son is that one sec he needs give me those is it right let me speed no seeds nothing Google Maps south africa I heard real African names my child’s gonna get an African name I don’t care real African names are wicked man I was at this casino in Graphic Design south africa right I’m playing blackjack or african-american Jack all right I play I’m 21 right and I look at the dealer right it was African dude I think they put this guy there just to confuse you when you’re gambling cuz I looked at his nametag I swear to the Family Guy guy’s name was spelt exclamation mark x o bi le and I’m like how the hell do you say that so I’m not from there I thought I’d take a shot right I’m like could I get another card they’re like another card there see cuz I thought you had to start big you know cuz the exclamation was at the beginning of the name right like if it was a question mark I’d be like don’t be late but it wasn’t exclamations I’m like dummy and it looks like many girls please do not yell you know cause you know like I’m not yelling man I’m just trying to say your name because that is not how you say my name how do you say your name I swear to god man the guy goes my name is pronounced be Leigh I don’t care my first child is getting a click in his name I don’t care this is my son hustle the Criminal Minds guy’s name was really it sounds cool when we’re just saying it to each other right really think about how that must slow down his sex life is in there with this woman they’re making love oh baby we’ll be say my name oh my god belay.
Mess up the whole vibe minute aren’t they a Leela Italy was cool man he knows wicked when I went to Italy this freaked me out Brown Pete we gotta go Julia the mess him up I went to Italy the Italians thought I was Italian and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wasn’t Italian right cuz it seemed kind of cool to be Italian for a little while till they started speaking Italian to me then I just looked like I was retarded you know focus they’re walking out there in the street I seen y’all ready don’t go to DC let’s go down there see and when I told the guys Indian he would freak out Indiana no Indy I know Indiana Mario caicutta why Indiana no Indy hi like I told them I was a freaking ghost or something no cuz they can’t picture Indian people that are just normal over there you know in there then we show up and shatter their miserable dreams you guys get a chance go to Italy it’s cool man you don’t even need to learn how to speak Italian that’s the good part all you need to do is learn how to read their hand signals because every word in Italian as a hand signal that goes with it everything it’s like they all used to be deaf at some point you know this in a town you know means this is what the in Italian right here this little hand motion is what the they look at you and they’ll go hey this is what the Italian you know this means an Indian you want to imagine an Italian guy walking into an Indian register hey what the buffet is over there and you watch your language what somebody gonna get a hurt my Chinese fans you are right over there.
How you doin bro and you trying to sell me a purse earlier Skinner say what’s your name no the Chinese guy you’re the but you know whatever makes you happy my Chinese son what’s your name sir Anthony that’s what I thought when I looked at you look right now that’s an Anthony right there that’s right you have a Korean Drama chinese name as well Anthony what’s your Hong Kong chinese name say it you know proper however a Chinese people say your thing I don’t know go I’m on the Bravo Chinese what’s the Primary School chinese name top sunbong does that mean you’re gonna get high okay you want to tap some bong that’s a wicked name top some bong I don’t know if I’m saying it wrong or not but this is the way it is now sounds cooler than Anthony unless you’re Anthony by day and jumbo like a tiny superhero man trying I’m bad you got two chopsticks on his shirt shooting noodles that it was wrist catching bad guys with stale fortune cookies Confucius say you go to jail bad I think shows in Horse Racing hong kong with the Domestic Helper hong kong last year a man that was wicked Grand Hyatt hong kong’s a wicked place I think Chinese people like the smartest people in the world man they’re tricking us all yeah man they are not dumb people they pretend to not know English I went to Harbour Grand hong kong they all speak English over there every man they speak better English than we speak I’m in this guy’s throw you know what me and my friend will come back he goes yo friend and I like will if you and him when I come back to that’s fine and not dumb people man don’t be fooled playing you know really upset me that when I went to Conrad Hotel hong kong everywhere you go in the world and perform wherever I go they have a local comedian open the show for us I go to South Africa they get South Africa I go to England a good English comedian went to Happy Valley hong kong I kept picturing them a head of White House chinese comedian I get there Oh Family Guy chinese comedian I’m so upset cuz I kept picturing a Joe Wong chinese comedian you know Oh Chinese brother running out opening up the shore hey excuse me your mother is so fat bear when she jump for joy she goes back okay thank you didn’t haven’t been very upsetting i’ma let out a secret about Indian people for all the people here or all people watching whoever wherever you are if you’re not Indian this is a message to you on behalf of all Indian people I hope my brown people don’t get upset that I’m letting out our secret but just so you guys know Indian people are fully aware of what their accent sounds like we don’t actually need you we know exactly what it sounds like we know it’s not the coolest accent in the world you know you’re never gonna see two indian guys in a club standing I’m going hey man aren’t we cool don’t we sound really hip we are going to meet all the bitches tonight I’m pimping we know what it sounds like you know and don’t think for one minute that we don’t know that you’re mocking us and we’re not around it’s an accent we’re not deaf don’t think when we walk into Home Depot go hello I’m looking for paint that’s right down that aisle over there sir hey Jim did you hear that guys looking let’s go a cigarette and talk about this for half an hour no you’re doing it you bastards but any people know what their accents good for and what it’s not good for we know its limitations and I mean we know it’s not good for getting laid it’s not gonna have your hello baby nothing’s gonna happen for but you know what the Indian accent is good for cutting tension you got a tent situation poppy in the Indian accent tensions gone picture a serious courtroom drama Your Honor my client would like to plead and tensions gone but white people let me talk to you for Maple Leaf white canadian people especially Snow Goose canadian white people and I say Canadian I mean you’re Canadian your parents are Canadian your grandparents are Canadian you’re really Canadian Die Zudecke canadian white people you have an accent and they’re completely oblivious to it you do I don’t know if you’re aware of it sir you may not have it you look like a rich Pages Reverse canadian white guy I don’t you know me your minority but Canadian people have an accent and it’s funny when you watch Tour Dates white canadian people talk especially Wild N white canadian guys they have this funny ass way of talking they talk the way speak they make everything sound like it’s the most matter-of-fact thing you’ve ever heard in your life and when they talk to you it looks like they can’t control their head it looks like they’re part bobblehead when they say stuff to you cuz that come up you on the go Jesus Christ did you get a load of the jugs on that it dude it’s funny to watch and white.
People sitting there going down we don’t have an accent what he talking about I could prove to you white folks that you have an accent it’s a pretty bold statement for a brown man but I could prove to you white people when swear you sound like donkeys you do because you’ll say stuff like you talk funny man it’s okay this is a nice room tonight you know.
It’s all kinds of different people here I love that when I look out on the islands I see black white asian just everybody having a good time hanging out Brown we fall under Asian as well.
It’s nice you know different mix of audience like this and people at home different kinds of people enjoying this in their Decorating Ideas living room wherever this type of things not gonna be able to happen in about 300 years from now do you realize that because you realize that if we make it to 300 years from now realize there’s not gonna be two more white people not gonna be two more black everybody’s gonna be beige and I don’t care I’m already bitch and I’m Tina not gonna affect me enough but it’s true the whole world is mixing it’s nothing you can do about it eventually we’re all gonna become some sort of hybrid mix of Chinese and Indian it’s inevitable they’re the two largest populations in the world so you can run from us now the sooner or later we’re gonna hump you and I’m thinking if we’re already gonna mix anyway we should start mixing now you know ladies take some chances snoop around a bit you know if you see that Indian comedian that you really want to have sex with I say go for it but it’s true the whole world’s mixing you know and eventually just gonna everybody look the same but I’m thinking we’re all gonna mix anyway let’s start mixing people now that would never normally mix just to see what we get you know hook up Jamaican with an Italian they could have little pastafarians I’m Indian I can hook up with a Jewish girl we could have little Hindus get a woman from the Philippines a guy from Holland little jalapenos guy from Cuba woman from Iceland little ice cubes a French and a Greek freak German and a new feed little Goofy’s to grow the Chinese girl those wicked going out with a Chinese girl you imagine if her and I had gotten serious to imagine whether that much rice would have been at that wedding nobody be allowed to throw it at the bride and groom our parents would just freak out white people to the wedding food around let’s go to their weddings and throw mashed potatoes it’s gonna happen man my dad’s been in this country for 40 years now 40 years you know what’s scary is I think my dad’s turning into a redneck now he’s starting to say stuff that scares me I walked into my parents I was a couple of weeks ago my dad was sitting there on the phone he had the newspaper open in front of him he had an ad circled somebody was selling a couch right so my dad’s on the phone he calls the ad and on the other end of the phone some Eastern European lady answered and she couldn’t speak any English and all I hear is hello I’m calling about your coach hello hi I want to know about your couch hello okay I said hello twice I would like to purchase your couch and no English I’m sorry and now English then why the hell did you answer the phone you don’t come to my country you can’t speak the my dad looks at mingoes immigrants like a dead you’re an immigrant hey you watch what you say to me I think that’s one thing that separates immigrant families from the regular Canadian families you know doesn’t matter where your parents are from they weren’t born in this country they will whoop your ass when you’re growing up Ukraine you know what I’m saying they’ll beat you with a cabbage roll you don’t even know this smack a pierogi upside your head they’ll beat you immigrant parents will beat their kids Canadian fans it a little too soft on their kids and that’s fine you know whatever makes you happy but you need to start beating your kids I’ll tell you why he’s growing up kids now are growing up in a multicultural society you know you’re gonna have Yeezy 500 white kids growing up with black kids and brown kids and Asian kids and they’re all gonna be hanging out in the playground you know I mean they’re gonna be talking about the ass-whoopin they got last night do you want that little white kid to feel left out beat that child so he’s not a social outcast my dad beat my wacky black I got said to my room like you’ve got a room you need to beat the kids man any parent will beat their kids Chinese fans you I would hate to give Eva per n’s know kung fu I would hate to mess up into Chinese Hey tap this bong come here it says you gotta F in school they wouldn’t even need to beat you this.
Go no let me take Indian parents will beat their giddy parents aren’t afraid to kill their kids if they have to pick up my dad’s theory was if I get rid of one I’ll just make another one and I will do the new one what an idiot the jamaican parents meet the kids for no reason sometimes off that FY come here yes daddy what’s that for just in case why people please beat your kids I tell you why else cuz when I was growing up right I grew up around a lot of black people which was fine because the black people never picked on 500 Bone white kids not so friendly back but every now and then a white kid would come and hang out with us and we were like wow well white kid I’ve heard so much about you and here’s where the problem is when a whack you would hang out with us we’d wanna be like the white kid we would want start to do everything like the wagon we wanted to copy that white kid so much and the problem is when we would start taking that white kids advice on how to deal with our parents that’ll get you friggin murdered man I remember hanging around this one little white boy Ryan when I was 10 years old I went to his house after school one day right his parents never beat him and they never even yelled at him he could do anything he wanted and nothing was gonna happen to him but he was an angry kid who walked into his house after school and his mom goes Ryan go clean your room you bitch.
His mom goes what am I gonna do with him I could run you can’t talk to your mom yes I can she’s a jackass don’t say that man she’ll hit you no she won’t she’s not allowed to the hell are you talking about man my parents hit me yeah well next time they try it you tell them to off are you sure.
Trust me it works for me so I went home for the last time I walked in the house my dad goes but also come and do the dishes you dad.
What the hell did you say to me do I look like Ryan’s mom somebody gonna get hurt real bad that was my dad’s threat right before he beat me every single time wait somebody gonna get hurt real bad I hated that threat you know why cuz he’d always say somebody he’d never tell you it was you I mean you knew was you but he’d give you this hope what that’s somebody gonna get a hurt real bad somebody I’m not going to say who I think you might know him anyway I’m in the back pray and hope it’s my brother man please I saw that little brat Ryan at school a few days later I was like yo your little plan almost got me killed he goes oh sorry dude I forgot to tell you the other part if he’s still gonna hit you threaten to phone Children’s Aid why cuz if you phone Children’s Aid they’ll come and take your dad away and he’ll get in trouble you won’t even have to call just pretend it’ll scare the crap out of it good ten years old you figure out how to scare the crap out of here dad that’s like finding kryptonite I thought I’d try it I was about to get my next beating I stopped my dad I go don’t do it I’ll phone Children’s Aid you ever had your parents call your bluff we’ll do what our phone Children’s Aid is that right well let me get you the phone tough guy what are you doing if I for Children’s Aid you get in trouble I might get into a little bit of trouble but I know that it’s going to take them 23 minutes to in that time somebody gonna get hurt thank you very much tonight ladies and gentlemen World Tour russell peters.