Please welcome mr. Ron boy thanks man you know what I’m going to do.
I’m going to start off this evening by asking you a question because I don’t know the answer I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the sunglass hut here’s the question why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25 inch Casio Lcd color television set I go to the sunglass hut I see a pair of glasses like I don’t love them don’t I like them 309 bucks and I asked the guy very politely how do you sleep at night a little prick and I told him and this is true that two.
Weeks ago I bought a 25 inch Lcd Pocket color television set from Walmart for 218 bucks and he goes well apparently sir you don’t get it I’m listening because these glasses eliminate a hundred percent of all UV well now apparently you don’t get it this thing decodes a digital satellite signal it picks up from outer and then it turned out the glasses got.
Basic-cable and I felt like a dickhead look Braveheart fight you ever take a crap so big your pants fit better not ever do that I’m hoping that happens to me later.
Tonight because these babies don’t fit anymore hoping I’m one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe yesterday I was sitting in a Lime Green beanbag chair naked Bean Bag eating cheetos and I was flipping through the television.
And I saw Robert Tilton he’s a televangelist from Dallas and nah he was staring at me and he said this he said are you lonely he said if you wasted half your life and bars pursuing sins of the flesh this guy’s good he said are you sitting in a Flops Heavily beanbag chair naked Bag Chair eating cheetos yes so do you feel the urge to get up and send me $1,000 close I thought he was talking about me there for a second apparently I the only cat on the Block digs cheeto so it’s great to be back in Kalamazoo at the state last time I was here they took me to the.
Blues Festival which and I loved the blues but the need to figure out some problems with the festival I don’t like the party anywhere we can’t just give somebody money and they give you back a beer you know what mean I started in line for an hour my mouth is dry I want a beer I love beer I know they’re selling beer people are walking away with the front of the line they’ve got beer that’s how I figured the whole thing out I get up there I give the guy my money goes we don’t take money here what do you take coupons where do I get a coupon see that line over there it takes forever I stood in that line for an hour I got to show them a driver’s license birth certificate fill out a form they mail that away send me back some coupons what are you doing Ron I’m waiting on there’s a good chance I’ll have a beer by Thursday I’m partying like a Kennedy I was game to add a hundred bucks cash.
On me about a hundred bucks worth of coupons and then some guys that took me there asked me if I wanted go to a topless club and I didn’t want to go I just ended up going cuz you guys back me up on this you’ve seen one woman naked you want to see the rest of neck there could be an old biker chick you know they’re going to hang down to here’s it you’ll see McKinney yeah all right that’s enough rolling back up things that make you go and then closing time came around and the tabs came out and I found out the titty bar don’t accept them cooping the guy Taco Bell told me to kiss his ass I’ll give you $40 where the coupons for a burrito with cheese it’s all I’ve got you Cooper so I saw something comes close to truth in advertising the DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean because the old to beer slogan was diamonds are forever then they changed it to this year take her breath away the new slogan is diamonds render her speechless why don’t they just go ahead diamonds that’ll shut her up for a minute.
so man I was just in Miami I don’t know a couple years ago sudden his just would not be the word but I was working there with Fox when Hurricane George hit the keys I just thought this is kind of funny they evacuated the keys and everybody left except for I’ve been through two hurricanes I was in hurricane Carla when I was a kid in Houston and I was really excited during hurricane time you know because it’s out there in the Gulf and it’s dangerous and I was like this is cool to ship started hitting our house I was like this but anyway they evacuate the keys and everybody leaves except for one guy who’s going to stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach to prove a point and the point was he said that at 53 years of age he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain from a forestry hurricane all right let me explain something to it isn’t that the wind is blowing its what the wind is blowing if you get hit with a Volvo it doesn’t really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning if you have a yield sign in your spleen.
Joggin don’t come into play I can run 25 miles without stopping you’re bleeding shit man last time I was here had somebody broke into my truck and stole my radio thank whoever you were got to drive back to Texas listen the sound to win 449 I went to the insurance-company I was filling out these forms and I got to the part on the form where it says what kind of radio was it that’s all the guy didn’t remember it he said mr. white if you can remember what kind of radio was will know how much money to give you that’s a good news right there I thought of a real expensive sounding brand then I wrote it down and he knew I would live mr. white I don’t believe Rolex makes a radio it was a clock radio Pratt the check premium boy they love it when you call them premium boy James Baldwin next time you see your agent call him premium boy you’ll get a chuckle so almost died this year actually I didn’t almost die I didn’t even get hurt I was in a near miss plane crash we were making a movie and I was flying from Flagstaff Arizona to Phoenix Arizona because my manager doesn’t own the globe we’re on a plane that big like a pack of.
Gum with eight people in it and what happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport haircare and tire center there we’re traveling at half the speed of smell we got passed by a kite there was a goose behind us in the pile it was screaming go around we get halfway to Phoenix we got to go back to nine minute flight can’t pull it off with this equipment we had engine trouble we lost some oil pressure in one of the engines and they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane which was stupid because they could have just went hey we lost some oil president heard you sure did it was weird everybody on the plane was nervous but I’ve been drinking it says launch I was like take it down I don’t give a shit you ever have one of those days to hit something hard I don’t want to limp away from this PC shit the guys sitting next to me is losing his mind apparently he had a lot to live for goes he meant if one of these engines fails no far will the other one take it all the way to the scene of the which is pretty handy because that’s.
Where we’re headed I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour we’re hauling ass so I’ve got a really good job I like my.
Job I it’s important to have a good vocabulary you know actually I haven’t always had a good vocabulary when I was young if I’d known the difference between antidote and anecdote my friend Bob Schneider and still be alive today he got bit by a copperhead I’m reading him humorous stories out of Reader’s Digest I’ll tell you a little bit about myself I am from Texas I’m cowboy a real cowboy always though I was a bronc rider for six years of my life and it’s affected me now when I have sex my arm goes like this seems to be some dispute between the wife and I whether or not I’m staying on that full eight seconds so we got the timer buzzer and set.
It up right there in the bedroom and I taught her the meaning of the phrase most of the time would have been all the time but she will let me tell you that rope around her waist anymore she hates it when I spur out of the chutes hey you laugh is not easy to keep an erection with a clown and a barrel in the corner here’s it sir you gotta focus I’m.
Probably not a typical Texan in that I don’t hunt a fish but I don’t hunt and not because I think it might somehow be more holy to eat meat that’s been bludgeoned to death by somebody else that’s not it it’s really early in the morning it’s really cold outside I don’t want to go my cousin ray on the other hand thing’s killing a deer with a deer rifle is Magic in the forests I’d like to do for you now my impression of my cousin ray after the big kill well it was 4:00 in the morning 22 degrees outside or if you weren’t there pussy I’m in a camouflage dear blind with grease paint on my face I’ve got deer urine on my boots I’m not sure why I made that part up I got a 30 out 6 with a 12 power scope and a bullet that will travel 2200 feet per second when that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I’d hung from the danged old tree caught him right above the eye yeah well I hit one with a van going 55 miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blew in whoo that’s an elusive little creature you ever miss once – the bullets moving too fast slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour put some headlights and a little horn on it the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet so I’m a married man happily married man thank you very much for asking I am married a rich woman if you ever have a go ahead actually uh that’s um the law she’s not rich of all her parents are and they hate my and I’m waiting for them to yeah and you’ll know if they die too cuz you’ll never see my fat ass again I’ll be in Palm Beach with my new friends and me a beer teddy servants rich my in-laws have servants is that weird I thought when I married their daughter they’d send to serving along with us to help do all this shit they never taught her how to do and I was wrong we’re now leaning on her domestic skills and who she’s handy I gave I’m doing a show the other night she goes honey the dryers broken I’m like did you check the lint filter sweetheart sit out honey I’ll check it I open it up is there anything in there there’s a quilt in there look you made a sofa cushion I hear a lot of this here a lot of riled Ron you’re pretty good-sized old boy but I guess a little woman’s a good cook boo oh I got a little better when she figured out that smoke alarms not a I had have to tell her honey the food.
Is done before that particular buzzer goes off it was real bad when we first got married the first meal she cooked in our new house I couldn’t eat it I gave it to my dog he started licking his butt she comes in the kitchen is what’s he doing looks like he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth everything’s an emergency to my wife.
Because you never had to deal with her own problems Boyle cater to her whole life there’s no cure right for that I was in Atlanta one time she calls me one night misses me in the hotel room they catch me in the lobby and tell me I have an emergency phone call from home I knock over 10 people in the lobby of a very nice hotel thinking maybe my I call her she tells me my dog Sluggo just took a dump on the new carpet shoot him she goes that’s just like you wrong I have a genuine problem and you’re being sarcastic all right honey put the dog on the phone I’ll talk to what do you want me to do I’m in Georgia.
I can’t pick up the turd put a paper towel over it I’ll be home in a week I get home looks like a little campground in the Interior Design living room somebody’s having a poopa Palooza concert let him outside he’ll shit out there I’ve seen we have a beautiful son his name is Marshall I named him after an amplifier almost named him PV come here blob punk you little woofer get over here my son is 5 years old my son thinks 5 years old is a very cool age to be because that’s the coolest age he’s gotten to his favorite thing about being 5 years old is he’s old enough to wear a seat belt that’s his biggest visible step towards man whoo it’s so far in his eyes you know he’s trapped in the truck just like his daddy and he thinks that’s great I think it’s great too because I Drive a four-wheel-drive truck and I learned this about four-wheel drive trucks it doesn’t really matter how big the motor is or how big the tires are your macho days are over when you trap a car seat in front of that bad boy you just can’t show it off to your buddies you know what it means here you can’t make yourself go what that that’s got the Vortech v8 running 285 horsepower yeah that that’s a Manitou walk power winch at a pulled 28 tons right out of the ditch yeah that that’s a place cool car seat with the big bird steer wheel attachment let’s burn on the blinker Ernie on the windshield wiper that’s big bird in the middle you won’t get fat bastard if you want to L in two weeks I’ll have the Cookie Monster flip mirror back ordered it on me I don’t know how to drive the truck anymore about this big 2-story custom vans at or in and it’s kind of neat it’s got the James Bond couch in the back where you push a button and the couch in the back automatically turns into a bed I’m like well that’s cool I finally got something over those Mercedes Benz driving in-laws of mine you know what I mean when I first bought the van I was real proud of it and I took it straight over to my brother-in-law’s house to show it off because he’s such a prick he takes one look at my new van he goes I can’t believe you didn’t buy a mercedes-benz they don’t make a van.
They hate it when you do that it was.
Wrong I don’t think you fully understand the intricacies of mercedes-benz engineering why I’ve got the 3-inch windshield wiper that keeps my head like clean in a rainstorm I got a place to your sister I don’t know why they don’t like me bet.
You wish you had one of these it’s a kit kiddin I want to screw up good whiskey Oh tasty actually that was all bullshit I just got a divorce I just wanted to do those three jokes before I told you and I’ll tell you what went wrong and because I feel like I could be honest with you folks and you won’t judge me or maybe you will I don’t care but I tell you it’s very difficult to marry out of your class I come from a lower middle-class family my daddy worked his ass off his whole life for not very much and that does not make you better than me you know what I mean my dad was a good man and they’re always going to just look.
Down their nose at you like you’re supposed to be carrying some piss bucket forum or something and if you’re not willing to carry the piss bucket it ain’t going to work and she got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in High School columbus ohio and I did not tell you why when you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody usually do it at a point in the relationship when you’re having a lot of sex so you’re willing to sign the papers I’ll only have sex with you ever well if that person stops having sex all together while you find yourself in quite a pickle I’m a pretty good dog but if you don’t pet me every once in a while it’s hard to keep me under the porch I’m not flexible as a real dog but I’ll tell you what happened to I was in High Street columbus ohio I haven’t been laid in three months you can’t go three months without having sex with me I’ll go have sex with somebody else I know I’ve seen me do it I didn’t show one out I came on stage there’s a gorgeous woman maybe 3540 years old long black dress slit up to her waist gorgeous give me a second and I walked offstage she goes I thought you were hilarious someone about you would drink I’m like I can’t do that I’m married she goes I didn’t ask you what had sex big boy asked we’re gonna have a drink at my place I’m like alright well you know that little guy that sits on your shoulder that reminds you of your prior commitments and your moral fortitude and your peep out of that guy he hadn’t been laid in three months either he was speechless for like 20 minutes and he was like sucker Kinney I was gonna I’m having a three-way with my conscience Sue’s old things over he’s back at his post but was wrong mister wait 20 minutes ago you were beating off on my shoulder monkey boy I hate him he smokes pot he burned a hole in my other so I’ve been spending a ton of time in.
Los Angeles I learned things when I go to LA I learned this they have bikinis now made out of seashells I didn’t know that and I also didn’t know this if you’re ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells and you pick her up and hold her to your ear you can hear her scream who’da thunk it I thought I’d hear the ocean but not over that woman hush ma’am she was a wiggler la changes people I got a buddy of mine from used in his comedian moved to LA six months ago six months in LA don’t know him six months in LA now he’s a vegetarian humanitarian and environmentalist you know great if you’re here tonight you’re a vegetarian shut up you’re not going to recruit me I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots it’s not even that good for you ever see a healthy looking vegetarian they look like shit don’t they are all plump and gray because their bodies become intolerant of things they need and I’ll give you an example I’m on the way to the Melrose improv in Hollywood to do a set with my buddy and he says this and quote I feel nauseous and I have a headache I think that vegetable soup I had for lunch must have had beef broth in it I didn’t know what to say your system is kicking back broth you’re a manly man aren’t you why are you a vegetarian I asked him but it wasn’t even because me was bad for you said that raising cattle was bad for the planet with how flatulence in the ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle what are you doing to help the environment I’m eating the cows but I’m only one man.
Whatever the hell that meant every time I read a newspaper in Los Angeles California I get pissed because things don’t have to make sense in LA I read an article of paper in LA the so they’re going try to outlaw the big-screen real-life handguns shooting video games because they say that that’s what’s wrong with the youth of America today they learned how to accurately shoot guns with video game it’s not a parenting problem will oh no it’s a video problem did that piss you off when you have a genuine problem you try to attack a solution – it’s got nothing to do with the problem you know what mean I came up with a great idea don’t outlaw those machines give them to the state troopers of California because they’re some of the worst shots I’ve ever seen in my life I saw a shootout once live on TV that went on for so long eventually the criminal got frustrated and shot himself and the cops were on TV whining about it going he’s got on Point Blank body armor he’s got on Dragon Skin body armor I’m washed alive on seeing him going I see his head shoot him in the head give my kid a shot Wow how’s that daddy good shot buuut everybody relax poot took him out thank God poot was there with his considerable skills horrible shot some cops are you ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio those guys that get out of that white suburban they show it on cop 16 these guys folks have a shootout with the police at point-blank range nobody gets hurt I would love to have been at office the next day when that guy’s being interviewed by the chief and then what happened well at that point I unloaded my semi-automatic 9-millimeter weapon at point-blank range and then what happened they left nice shootin elmer fudd it was a kid in Detroit three years ago shot eight bullets hit nine people these two cops shot 22 bullets didn’t even hit the suburban give those guys the roll of quarters.
Drop them off at the mall that’s all I’m you know what I mean just not like Texas you know tell you the biggest difference between Texas and California in Texas we have the United States death penalty and we use it that’s right if you come to Texas and kill somebody we will kill you back that’s our policy we’re trying to send a message to the rest of America and the message is go somewhere else to kill people go to California they don’t give a shit I was watching a case on Court TV when I was out there I got so mad steam was shooting out of my ears this guy’s convicted of a triple homicide this guy kills grandmother a mother and a granddaughter without provocation he and crime so heinous I can’t even fit it in my head he sentenced to death by a jury of his peers and right before it comes time to carry out the sentence a group of people on his behalf on his behalf stand up and they go we can’t kill him he’s too crazy to know we’re killing him and what the hell are we arguing about if you don’t know the difference and it makes me feel better how do you know he’s crazy that’s what I.
Want to know of course he’s crazy to kill three people you know this is what they said he rolls his turds into little balls and eat crayons I’m like shit you got to quit putting all crazy people in one group goddammit you got to separate bump a little bit you know what I mean what does that Police Code crazy person do oh he rolls his turds into little balls and each crayons fine I’ll feed him for the rest of his life what does that Crossword Clue crazy person do oh he kills productive members of our society well he should have rolled his shit into little balls and made crayons because the penalty is much less severe.
We’re trying to pass a bill right now through the Texas Legislature that will speed up the process of execution in heinous crimes where there’s more than three credible eyewitnesses if more than three people saw you do what did you don’t sit on death row for 15 years jack you go straight to the front of the line other states or other states are trying to abolish the Supreme Court death penalty my state’s putting in an express lane I did that bit out in California this.
Guy comes up to me after the show and you could tell he was nervous talk to me he goes because you know what that may be true about Jackson the New York death penalty but you know what you know what he waited for me to say what that’s kind of cute he goes there’s an old law in Texas the states that in Texas you cannot shoot somebody in the back no matter what they did to you or your family or your place of business it’s illegal for you to in turn shoot them in the back like yeah but you can start shooting them in the leg till they turn because eventually they’re going to get.
Curious who shoot me in the leg I wonder quietly to myself oh that guy never turn around I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day my Fiverr friend it’s a visa real he’s a homophobe that the most useless thing you could possibly be is afraid of gay people I was talking to him the other day and he goes it was being this world to be bitter for would so many queers and I’m like you know what the Keyshia Cole next time you have a thought let it go like a we’re all gay it’s just a what extent of you gay oh that’s bullshit man I ain’t gay at all I’m like yeah you aren’t I could prove it he was fine prove it Mike alright feel like because yeah I love you know that my god do you only watch scenes with two women together you know I watch man a woman making love like oh dear like the guy to have a small half flaccid penis there’s no I like big heart throbbing I did not know that about myself.
I promise Sears I would tell this story on stage every night until the lawsuit settled I had my Vandana Savannah Georgia I didn’t like way the tires were wearing on it I took the van to Sears automotive a trusted name an automotive service take some three and a half hours to change four tires apparently they had to whittle one of them out of a piece of wheat I BAM nine hundred and eighty dollars of my hard earned money I take a right-hand turn out of mall the left rear wheel falls off it falls off it falls the turning my van into a tripod spinning me into a dimension of pissed off I have never been before in my life this guy was a tired guy that’s all did he didn’t some days work on transmissions he was a tire guy Sears I found out later had sent him to tyre College for three days well apparently he was sick on lugnut day but they still let him work on my van so I’m suing them and I hope that next year they have to change the name of Sears Tower in Chicago to Iran White’s big old goddamn you guys can all come over and party too.
I’m gonna have a lot of room think we.
Ought to clean up right hell no man do another floor will Kong up there somebody grab my butt bring bubu bring your poopins I got thrown out of a bar in New York.
now when say I got thrown out of the.
Bar I don’t mean somebody asked me to leave we walk to the door together I said bye everybody I gotta go six pounders hurled me out of a nightclub like I was a frisbee those big old bouncers that go home every night watch Roadhouse and beat off you know I’m talking about Patrick Swayze’s hitting another guy for wearing a hat I walk into a bar with a hat on this guy real pissy who took off the hot mic wants to deal he goes I tell you what the deal is faggots in this area where hatch we’re trying to keep my de below Y all really the only way we could tell down south is if they have their hair cut like your and he got all pissed but he walked away.
And I took that off like an hour later I’ve been drinking and I forgot you ever forget happened to me I put the hat back on the guy comes over to me now I’m between six one and six depended on which convenience store I’m leaving I weighed 235 pounds this guy comes over to poking me in the shoulder with two fingers says you’re out of here Wow Thanks so scooter and I was wrong they hurled my ass and then they squared off with me in the parking lot and I backed down from the fight cuz I don’t know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass but I knew how many they were going to use so handy a little piece of information to have right there overkill well they called the police did we broke a chair on the way out the door and I refused to pay for it the cops showed up and at that point I had the right to remain silent but it didn’t have the ability copses mr. white you are being charged.
With drone in I was drunk in a bar they threw me into public I don’t want to be drunk in public I want to be drunk in a goddamn bar which is perfectly legal arrest them well they didn’t arrest them instead they call in for my arrest record there’s some good news satellites are linking up in outer space computer banks at NASA kicking on there’s a telegraph in Fritch Texas going bb-but if it didn’t if it didn’t if it even if it even if they fit into these people lividity this part Tech football beep now I told you that story to tell you this story when I was 17 years old I was arrested for being drunk in public seemed to be a pattern if you knew Morse code you would already know that and one DWI which was a bogus charge because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle traveling down that particular sidewalk and that’s profiling I believe in the drunken public charge and Fritz the arresting officer who I had literally known all my life you know what I mean this guy live four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people we’ve met he takes me to jail when we get there he asked me if I have any aliases and I was just being a smartass and said yeah they call me Watch Ron tater salad 17 years later in New York City I’m.
Handcuffed on a bench with blood coming out of my nose this cop goes are you wrong Blue Collar tater salad white you caught me you caught the tater you can take down those roadblocks now I call my son Tater Tot and boot anyway I am a dog lover actually I love my dog I don’t give a shit about your dog I don’t know your dog could be an animal slug goes in English Bulldog Sluggo don’t Jack with me her great you know what I do don’t when he’s asleep I lift up those big old huge Bulldog gels and I had him atoms and shit in there he wakes up in the morning like gonna be a good day tater he calls me tater he’s a great dog he’s sick right now which is painting the bucket if he gets sick he can’t his feet of medicine he’ll spit it out you got to hide it in a piece of cheese I studied him out last year for pick of the litter and I put him with the female dog for a couple of weeks and then to make sure it I took him down to the veterinarian’s office and had artificial insemination done twice now for those of you that don’t know that’s where they obtained the semen from Sluggo and put it in the female dog and now it don’t take shit to get old Sluggo go to the he loves the place I went down there the veterinarian at the audacity say to me mr. Wyatt it’s killing us coming back here we’ll show you how to do this Peter Cetera next time you don’t have to bring in the dog you can just bring in the semen that’s okay you go ahead and jack off the dog he follows me around too much as it is like I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this Bulldog Oh get outta here we got coming you did it the other day do it yourself I don’t have anything do we talk to Daddy that way please.
Please take me off your position I don’t have any kappa I’ve lost my mind well I’ll tell you a little bit more about the demise of my relationship there was that one thing where I had sex with a girl five top that wasn’t the underlying problem the big problem was the first problem was this we lived in a house and it had a thermostat that’s it cuz I like the temperature of the house between 70 75 and she liked the temperature of the house between 75 100 10 and you can’t keep Collar Comedy tater salad at that temperature we’ve thought about it she was psycho.
Psycho women love me we have an argument one night about the temperature of a dwelling she goes outside with a butcher knife and cuts the tires on my truck so I drugged up an old Polaroid and entered her in hustlers beaver hunt and she won and I used the money to get me some new tires and she superglued my dick to my stomach so do you see how things just get out of hand steel hitches what after three years of being married to this woman I still didn’t understand her she would get mad at me when I was trying to help her I’ll give me an example let’s say she had wake up in the morning and be real bitchy let’s just say and I knew in my heart she was suffering from PMS and that was my love I would offer her my dog and tell her honey I believe Heath you won’t bitch quite so much she would growl at me and wouldn’t eat the my dog I had to hide it in a piece of cheese to play along imaginary my night is over and I’m gonna go to the.
Bar from the bar is in my pocket so I don’t have to go too far it’s beautiful song so how’d you like the show it was awesome very funny awesome oh I think it’s hilarious Ron White kills me yeah I got Comedy Tour tater salad joke gets me man I couldn’t stop laughing Sunny Anderson tater salad we love it he’s too funny my jaws hurt and think I was crying more than anything you enjoyed the show yes Nana real good time yes did you laugh arias yes I did do you uh did you pee no he’s not only funny he is a cutie pie and a nice butt my side still heard it so funny the bit about his in-laws it’s just so there’s guy from Texas they said sup that’s like a sitcom waiting to happen I think I’m gonna start drinking scotch where’d you see the blue collar tour uh tater came right into your Decorating Ideas living room and you got a beanbag with Cheetos to my