Sit down please oh yeah all right cut.
The music cut the music yes the machine yes don’t worry I didn’t drive out here not to tell that story okay guys he gave me all these cameras and I won’t bring that up yeah I am the machine I’m also a father of two with high blood pressure and possibly an inactive tyroid because my wife scheduled a blood panel this week okay I got you a blood panel I thought we should know if something’s wrong with you I go I’m shooting a special on Friday do you think maybe we could hold off well don’t you want to no not this week no I didn’t even know men had thyroids I mean it’s as serious doctors like does your dad have a thyroid nose like I don’t think so the holy cow are you serious how about his dad I go no definitely not yeah you should know something’s wrong to your children that you I did not sign up for this responsibility to be a grown-up I don’t know if you guys feel the way I do but just like growing up sucks dick I like can’t I got two kids I got two kids I got Georgia is 11 blond hair blue eyes real smart and I got another one I don’t know if you guys got one of those kids that was just mess literally like board-certified messes like if it wasn’t my kid I was like she’s stupid but she’s mine so I love her just doesn’t think right her brain like laughs this morning we’re cuddling in bed she’s laying on my arm laying on my arm she starts doing this I go what are you doing because I’m trying to soften it up I go to my arm aiyla I know it’s hard as a rock dyslexic as shit if you got to read with her you can’t let her read by herself cause she just won’t she just won’t she gets too hard and your heart breaks we I don’t want to sit and read a book I have a hard time reading – and then because she just sits there and look at the word and then like tries to guess it off your face like pterodactyl no duh I love very few books you’re going to read in your life we’re going to start off with pterodactyl crocodiles oh the car I love the car – smart just not like a useful to society smart he’ll never reap the benefits or her intelligence I promise you that lets you have a dead body at your trunk at 2:00 a.m. there’s an attempted kidnapping in a school Jason tars and the teachers kept kids down told them they need a safe word Ilyich comes home locked in dad we need Fifty Shades safe words like okay how about Agnes sets the street we live on she goes too easy yes too easy I go want to sign she goes dad they could get that I go hey ila if someone’s guessing at our safe word don’t get in their car I go how about Priscilla that’s our dog she goes are you even thinking I go what do you think it should be shit even Mitsubishi goes how about think about it dad no one’s going to say to a kid it is and that was our safe word but I had to change it I had to change it was too good knew I was taking it on stage so I detained but not before Stephen from Ken had to pick him up he’s like I’ll get the girls I was like heads up our 50 Shades safe words he’s like I can’t take that to your kids I was like good luck at nyla home he pulls up Georgia jumps in the car like she’s trying to get molested I was locked down was her safe word she’s done this guy eight over nine years but our safe word he’s a guy I know the safe word is a bad word I’m not saying it out loud shoes and I’m not getting in your car he looks at her he goes the safe word is mother fucker she looks at him and farm all the teachers and goes I can’t hear you that’s this child you get these two morons together holy shit George is like the caveman that discovered fire I was like the caveman who discovered stop drop and roll they woke up one morning they wake up at 5:00 in the morning they were younger I don’t know how old they were but they were younger like I don’t trust dad to know exactly how old their kids are if you’re talking to a dad he’s like 16 months today he better be married to another dad and then I don’t mean that homophobic I’m not homophobic at all not I’m definitely not I’m more like a hobo cond react like I’m comfortable if you’re gay I’m comfortable with your lifestyle I’m just afraid one night you’ll get me drunk and tricked me into it and I’ll like it it’s my fear I’ll like it and they’ll be good at it so I saw gay once for like 45 let me tell you something holy shit ladies you got to step up your blow dog game yeah you’re still playing JV basketball and the gay guys are the Harlem Globetrotter yeah don’t get all in come home their own head this based on the are we talking about literally how do I get off on this the buck in oh my daughter’s huh gang are chugging oh my daughter’s okay here this’ll work my daughter’s woke up at 5:00 in the morning 5:00 in the morning they were younger they were like three and five four and six they weren’t wearing watches so they wake up at five in the morning five in the morning five in the bucket mornings are training to be farmers or either that or they’re on a meth lab out of the closet I don’t know all we hear is them Ripping Paper laughing hysterically on the baby monitor like two homeless guys – just found a 20 so I got upstairs is what I see Ella my baby is naked which isn’t weird looks parently one time I told her sometimes you got to let your shit breathe we only know that because that’s what she told the preschool teacher yeah on the swing set in a dress just airing her shit out just look JJ he’s like oh I know honey wear your panties kids I saw some time to let your shit breathe our lives and the rottens naked George is in the rocking chair Dogs Compilation laughing hysterically and our dogs sitting between them like off of the know my coming up like hey guys it’s really early in the morning mommy and I are still sleeping what could possibly be so Tech Football funny georgia gets to my face ghost daddy you’ve got to see baby eyelids new trick it is hilarious I said what is it just know I want to spoil it for dad you got to see it eylem she’ll daddy the trick so ila my baby lunatic the naked one real quick takes your fingers shoves it up her ass don’t judge me do you think I was ready to parent that it’s 5:00 in the morning do think you could hear in it the super nanny couldn’t stopped it and now it’s in there as a parent I kinda want to see the second part of the trick she takes it out of her ass and puts it in the dog’s mouth No hey you I saw it okay I’m just telling you about it exposing what the is wrong with you – what are you guys German new rule we’ve not put our fingers in our butt and I’ve put them in our animal’s mouth I can’t believe I made this Georgia gets in my face goes calm down it’s funny you just don’t get what part of that trick is T Shirts funny georgia can’t even miss Abby she goes we’ve been doing it all morning and the dog does know it poop dad I’m like do it again they do it again the dog comes right back like what’s on the bigger roof of a bigger alley yeah what’s on that finger what’ll they finger so an hour later what my wife woke up I’m like you got a key baby I love this new trick I feel like what is it I was like I don’t want to spoil it for you got to see an eyelet show mommy the trick and I’ll just go to town well no I think what the is wrong with you like give it an hour gets funnier the dog doesn’t know it shit no watch the dog it’s a rescue it’s fine kids the fact that you think about them all the time did you non-stop I jumped out of a plane with Rachael Ray is she here Rachael Ray is a gangster like legit get she comes in I do her show she comes backstage like 8:00 in the morning she’s got a pint of Guinness a bowl of chili with a fried egg on top hole she comes back she cuz I know your comic I thought a beer might loosen you up for the show I don’t know if you like a chili with an egg I’m like actually hands it to me she goes what’s one thing you’d never do on your show Bert conquer IB show birth car I do extreme activities she’s what thank you oh thank you she is what’s one thing you never do and I haven’t answered skydiving go don’t I never go skydiving she was really I don’t never I don’t want to go she goes awesome I’ll see how on stage I was like well wonder why she offset I get out on the stage and the first thing she says to the crowd is all right backstage Bert said he’d never go skydiving a much bitch that was a secret she’s like who wants to see him do it and now I have 500 women going do it bad boy and I got the beer in me the chili I’m like let’s go two weeks later I’m strapped to a dude you know that’s how you skydive just strapped to a dude in a prison rape that’s how you skydive just struttin he tells you when to walk one to sit it is massively emasculating has anyone ever been skydiving in here you’ve been and so you get the plane and you’re sitting in a dudes lap you’re sitting your Navy SEAL moment and you’re sitting in a dude black and I start shaking cuz nervous I’m like freaking out and he’s can feel me cuz I realized once we go to taxi realize I haven’t flown sober in 20 years sober in a big plane in 20 years and I haven’t flown into dudes lap in 42 and he feels me shaken and he’s like what’s the matter what do you mean what’s the I go I’m nervous just about what we made about what he was were you nervous what are you afraid of go I don’t know you’ll get hard you’ll get hard that’ll I’ll get hard we’ll both get hard then we’ll jump out of the plane our chute won’t open and that’s how food backpackers will find us you me into the earth you me into the planet that’ll be the how I go this guy craved it so bad he had a man harness him up and out of his shoes until his head exploded in the woods I go I’m nervous our chute won’t open he goes you couldn’t kill us if you tried like I’m a smart guy I could figure it out I leaned over to Rachel and I grabbed her leg just it’s mostly just grabbed her leg and I start squeezing she was matter go I don’t want to do this because I think you’re doing it she’s like you’re at the front of the tube of toothpaste everyone’s out behind going you’re definitely going I go no I don’t want to and she goes look another engines kick in and she starts yelling at me she looks you’ll be fine whatever you do not watch me go out the doors you will freak the out I’m like who taught you how to talk someone off a ledge we get up to our cruising altitude hurt her to get up perfectly like Danny and Sandhya’s home lubob walk bamboo she posts up in the door looks me in the eyes does her read one case camera I’m Ranger Ram at 30,000 T with my robe of the elderly and everybody who’s ready boot yellow or whatever look out and then look at me this bird I’m like yeah she’s don’t watch this and they get out of the plane and I have panic shoot out of my I grabbed on to the cameraman who’s not wearing a parachute there’s an open door at 13,000 feet and soon as I touched him he just starts kicking me get off the sound guidepost up in the corner with a boom like a gladiator get it down get it down my guy just takes over and baby bj rn’s me grew up here we gold takes me to the corner and I lock in I go I’m having second thoughts he says we’re going in three like I’m not hard yet we’re going into and I was like you go buy yourself a meet you down there and then he says oh my god what’s wrong with your strap and we go scream into the earth at a hundred miles an hour this guy’s in my ear like you want to catch up with Rachel I’m like her she’s dead to me it is an epiphany moment dare I say and my therapist says I have a low threshold for a pivotal moments but and I always say like did you want to go skydiving okay the people that don’t want to go skydiving or who should go skydiving if those that don’t want to go that appreciate it the most you go and you’re just biking all the way people who don’t want to go there’s a moment where you realize the dice has been rolled there’s nothing you can do to change this you’re either going to live or die in five minutes and you can’t take a pill or start working out to stop it is out of your control and you are forced with the decision how do you meet your maker do you go out like a Viking high or do you start crying like a baby oh I picked the Viking at that moment I said I’ve had a beautiful life let’s do it ah until the chute open then I started crying aggressively that like in a dudes lap have you ever cried in a man’s lap they’ve ever had a man take you out to the middle of a field and sit in your lap and just saw silently that’s technically what I’m doing to this poor guy this is the first thing I thought of was my kids let me get to see my kids again and pizza like I get pizza and I just started sobbing under this canopy in the poor guys like dude it’s gonna be okay like we did it I’m so bad when tool and he’s like clean yourself up and think I did something and though the last thing fought that stuck me with my children that’s it I go my children they’re gonna have a they have a dad like what’s that is not what I signed up for when I picked my wife out of a bowling alley like that makes no sense we met in a bowling alley but when I met her like I didn’t sign up for the vulnerability that’s the part about having kids that fucks you up is the bone and you’ve children you do how many you got one now you’re barely in it we don’t you got two and you go shit if we lose one it’s gonna be awkward children the thing that will and I don’t know if you’ve been there how old’s your – oh you’re brand new to the game man where do they meet disaster in their life from they meet let down or oh we took the girls we took the girls to school this year leontes Georgia I take eila walk up the first day of school here’s the thing with girls first day of school you hope they have friends in their class or it’s a shit show so Lance got Georgia I take eyelid we go up to the like on the fence they put all the names on the fence I go up to the fence ila can’t read I looked at the list room 9 I walk over to room 9 here’s my feed or as we walk over to room 9 its United Airlines first class eat Chinese kids short don’t be big like baby Beluga head his hair starts in the middle right and he’s just got this stare like a dog’s got peanut butter stuck in his throat like kid behind him hand liquor just huh like he’s trying get to the center of it look kid behind him tippy toe Walker you know that kid handful of Pokemon cards huh anyone want to trade and a woman who prays eyeless sees this it’s like can I talk to you for a second we go over to the handball courts I sit down this was happening Eilis got her head back like this I don’t know what doing she’s got her head back like this what she’s doing is she’s holding the tears in her eyes don’t get me started she brings her head down to me she and her tear falls out she looks at me dead in the eyes and she goes daddy I – stupid class I didn’t sign up for this okay I was a goddamn stallion on my wife found me a untethered beautiful animal just running at my own feet I was gorgeous no one controlled me I decided what I wanted to do if it rained I’ve run in the range of mom miss coming off my mane tail and just rearing up outside the village for all the villagers to see and my wife was this disease shepherd with rickets like her I need me a stallion so she snuck up on me with a bag of carrots or blowjobs I was like come here boy come boy here you go boy try it you like it no you like it I bet you’ll like it I bet you liked it and you liked it you tried to carry it you like it but what you don’t realize is that when they’re handing you the carrot with the other hand they start petting you trust them taming oh you have a beautiful mane Oh you should start wearing khakis oh it’s okay boy it’s okay you should get rid of your Jeep and then one day out of nowhere the petting makes sense you feel them pattering you’re like oh yeah maybe I should go to the dentist more than once every ten years and then you’re even realize about one morning you go to run just like you used to run just like everyone loves to watch you run and as you take off you feel someone pull back on the reins like whoa we don’t do shots at a child’s party and there I am just an old nag now I don’t even get carrots anymore I just get hey I do get carrots here I throw a temper tantrum for them and now I’m sitting in a pair of sweatpants by the handball court and I got a nine-year-old breaking my heart at 7:45 in the morning this isn’t when I signed up for I’m looking at her and I’m like thinking how do I deal with like hey it’s okay stupid classes are fun like lowered expectation is high rewards you know I you know a lot of my friends the guys that I smoked pot they all stupid is as stupid duck like and the aunt comes over and she’s like hey what’s going on here now we’re both tearing up or both crying and she goes what’s going on and I was I’m like we think she’s in the stupid class he farted up I definitely agree I definitely agree and then it’s like hold on I go no you hold on you got to look at that class it looked like a cast of Goonies like and then as I pulled hold on everyone stop crying there’s no such thing as the stupid class I’m like me I beg to disagree she’s like no I love honey and there was this stupid class they would have had to call me two months ago and say hey we’re putting island in stupid class and I would have taken you out to school in a second I would have never let you bet him do that to you but if they did call me two months ago Isla and I knew today was your day to go into this stupid class I knew that do you think I would let you roll in with dad and that makes sense to Eilis she’s like yeah he’s not the heavy lifting parent and I’m like yeah here with me there’s nothing wrong she goes come on let’s go look at your class where they go walk over to class and all out his friends Dakota Kylie they’re all in the class and lands like hey your friends are in there or your friends stupid not as like no she’s like you get in line you have a fantastic year she comes walking over me I’m still by the handball courts she comes walking over to me and I am blown away she comes up say hey go I did not parent that well she’s like no shit go I thought using the stupid class man’s like she is you were gonna tell her no I was gonna tell her it’s like you belong in the stupid class I let’s getting out of hate school she’s getting in all fairness to get her ass handed to her daily like it’s bad when your dyslexia gets tough so I dropped her off like by two weeks ago I go to give her a kiss on the cheek goodbye she grabs my neck like some want me to go and then whispers in my ear goes pick me up early I’m like well let me run that by mom she goes hold on do you have to run it by mom and now she’s in my head I’m like yeah that bitch I make the calls around here I want to pick you out pick you up early I go but wait what do you mean well like what time should listen mom’s got therapy at noon she leaves like 11:15 if you show up 11:30 you got to pick me up anyway she’ll have no idea you got me early I go or what I’m saying she’s tell him I have a dentist appointment I go how long have you been thinking about who’s dad tell him I have a dentist appointment I promise no one’s gonna know on okay I go home I feel like I’m about to commit a bank robbery I’m sitting on the couch and LeAnn just gets less leg up 11:50 and I gotta go to therapy I’m like clockwork she leaves I’m like screw it I’m picking her up early I go into the office I don’t even have to say anything I walk in there like are you Otto’s daddy go I am like her tooth has been killing her all day islet comes out of the nurse’s office ice pack on her cheek eyes are like start the car we got in the car first things out of ice cream of putt-putt let’s do it big guy like hey you made the day let’s do yeah it was a great it was a great day I think the best part of the day was just having a lie that me and her new and lying to my other daughter and my wife together as a team there’s kind of like bonding I put her to bed that night I go listen if I ever cheat on your mom I’m gonna need your help I’m not cheating on my wife I’m not cheating on my wife for a number of reasons this being one I don’t even know I don’t know about doing it right I’ve never had that like security that women have you know that like no there’s a like an air of like when it comes to sex women just know they hit it out I’ve you ever is that your man right there young lady have you ever given him an orgasm look at her she’s scoffs at me like rolls her eyes goes yeah would you bet your life on it she’s like yeah would you bet your life on it look at everything wrong because we don’t know you big oh I’m telling it’s you know if you’ve done your job right because there’s proof that happened right there see that there got it Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick right there but every time we have sex with you guys it’s like Keyser s ze did that happen I don’t know I’ll put it up take it far this guy right here he’s your boyfriend right sir be honest if I said to you right now I will give you fifteen million dollars tax-free if you can bring one person on this stage and give them an orgasm within 15 minutes you think he’s picking a chick no look at him he’s already standing up he’s like I’ll jack you off right now who didn’t work let’s go start car hi you think he’s gonna pick a chick you think he’s picking his chick no way too complicated I don’t want to fake the audience you face the audience oh my god it’s right there all staring at me I even hear people laughing they’re making fun of us just opposite I just don’t worry I’m sorry I messed this up he’s definitely not picking another chick you think it’s going to roll the dice on a brand new chick try to figure that out with the clock running just back up like this or Cinnabon Cinnabun – nope a defense made best infant invest in business what yeah what’s okay the end go give it on that one you ever try the one where you go in the garage but up where you keep the bike you’re try that and you fiddle with the bike come hither bikes hither come here and right come hither I’m that one up try it went right past the bike ended up in the Attic just ribbon out insulation like a raccoon it was so bad the homeowner had to come out and be like everyone out of the garage women are complicated just like their the way they think Home Buyer first time I had sex with my wife we’ve been dating a while it’s that beautiful moment I don’t know every we’ve all felt it where you’re making out on a couch and then you undo the shirt and it’s in your heart skips a beat you’re like oh god this is happening this is really happening to be and I was head over heels for and kissing shirt comes off pant button comes off she stops because there’s something I need to tell you I was like this bitch has herpes and I started thinking about it in my head like the matter I’m 28 I made it this far I think they got to have an outbreak what are odds the outbreak season if you wear I don’t know I don’t even know but if you wear a condom does it I don’t know but in my head I’m like wish I had paid more attention in health class my wife looks at me and goes I’m in debt I’m sorry I thought you had herpes she just no why would I have herpes I go why would you stop someone before they’re about that sex to tell them you’re in debt just I thought we were getting serious from trying to you not your bank account she just no it’s worth gonna have sex that means we’re getting serious and we’re getting serious you need to know I’m $25,000 in debt that hangs over my head and I go hey I’m trying to you not Fannie Mae all right let’s do this and we had sex that night and we fell in love and we got married and we had kids and did you know when you get married you accrue someone’s debt I wish she had herpes what’s crazy now is there’s like a thing in our relationship I don’t know that this happens to everyone but like nowadays we almost get more passionate talking about money than we do sex like it’s easier for us like we talked about adding on to our house or like whoo oh you want to really open a bottle of wine maybe huh talk about a brand new bathroom huh then you have sex and it’s just like I’m it’s almost I don’t mean to like suck the romance out of it but like I don’t hit on her I’m not gonna hit all my wife get shot down by your wife – now humiliating that is – be like hey what do you think I get the off me okay awesome now I feel like a human piece of garbage cool I can’t anyone in the world especially not you and that’s not all this is great you ever try to pull out a brand new move in the bedroom I tried to do reverse cowgirl I said to her in the middle of having sex I go whoo anyone watch our first cowgirl she looks to me she goes where did we hear about this some of the fellows down by the.
Basketball courts we’re talking about it makes you just gets like she’s a very sweet woman but she just gets like time what is it let’s come over to do some what to do really like it’s almost like we’re lab partners like we’re going W turn let’s I’ll do it if that’s what you’re into I’m like that’s not what into I’m just saying let’s try it maybe we’ll like it I don’t you know just tell me what to do I’m like okay I’ve never seen this part of where the guy walks her through it like I go he like you face the other direction she’s like I face them all I was like one or the camera I guess that is they face the camera at that point I don’t know why they do that I don’t know I’ve never done this okay she don’t tell me what to I’ll do it I go will you turn around so I can just look at the wall I go yeah look at the your eyes look whatever you want a look at fine this is what you’re into like that’s how you want to start a brand new sex loop if this is what you’re into it’s right like rolling a motorcycle is this right yeah I say no I mean right hold on to your feet that’s not sexy just looking at your feet I’m just looking at your feet right now I’m like you look at whatever you want to are you looking at my is that what you’re looking at does it turn you on – look at my butthole okay I’m starting to feel disconnected I’m feeling very disconnected I don’t even I’m getting very disconnected I’m like can you just not be the person I own a home with and be a war for five mean I make that sound bad but I mean.
The alternative is what I get like a young girlfriend that I can’t I’m not shitting on young people you guys look very hung I’m sure it’s very fun to get naked with you and touch you that part’s not bad it’s the talking to you afterwards that would be somewhat problematic like I don’t like days what would I say it like a 22 year old girl after sex like hey you want to play on your iPad Oh snapchats got some new ass cool I need a ride-or-die bitch I need a woman I need a woman with some flaws and a woman with like literally a kind of girl that will blow you and book you a cardiologist appointment kind of woman that will blow you despite a runny nose just that’s a woman for you right there just take them on for the team yeah kind of woman will fart during sex yeah my wife will fart during sex she said to kid she’s not rocking the original rims and tires okay two kids he’s riding dirty on twenty-twos just boom nibble inactions if it is above Never Dies I’ll laugh civilize in its eyes let’s get bison to flip it there goes into your guys oh it’s true ladies I hate to say this but after 40 vagina start aging exponentially like dog ears just not that no listen ah it’s not just you it’s all of us I mean men once we get 40 our dick starts doing this Benjamin Button thing where it looks and younger like I think our bodies get bigger our dick stays the same ties let’s take a squatter in the middle of a bustling city like hell no we won’t go I get naked now and that’s love when your wife sees you naked when your dicks the smallest it’s ever been like right after you go to the gym and she excuse it goes all little guy look at that little camera click them just changes I’m cool to changing I’m just saying like I mean a little bit of upkeep ladies like now remember when I met my wife’s vagina I remember just it was beautiful it was like there was curb appeal you know like it was waxed shined buffed and fluffed but with those lace song panties you could take off with a pinky just and when you did it was like you are least a princess just oh I saw it the other day who’s after drop-off I had to pull off.
Those big comfort cotton panties the ones that don’t give you a yeast infection you know those ones of all the hairs matted down looks like the crazy cat lady’s house and it’s just staring at you like hey man Youngblood got a cigarette she parked not like for money but just.
It happened not all the time out but not all the time but I wouldn’t bet against it I take the over that’s part of marriage that’s part of marriage is you that is part of love is when you accept person for their flaws and like and that’s when you know you’re a man when your woman farts during sex because you move her over too quickly and she just farts and you don’t say a word and you go I didn’t hear it I love like I didn’t hear it either I love you the dogs up on the bed are we pardon I’ll take it this far I’ll take it this far my wife started during oral sex you know what they call that commitment when you take one on the chin for the team you didn’t know you had wanted to cave.
Her know you got to warn me I’m still down here so you could have shit in my mouth though I have a bearded still in here and then she start crying go what the are you crying about I’m the one in The Hurt Locker think you’re going to talk about this on stage we parted right I am in all fairness I didn’t bring it up until the second time it happened I was like if it happened to me twice it had adapt to somebody else I can’t be the only one out here going really no one else was catches one on the button that’s marriage she’s my wife so grime my wife’s a fantastic woman she really is she kind of person like I couldn’t raise these kids she like research his good schools she read scriptures cool one time she goes uh it’s great school there are a lot of Koreans okay we show up it’s 98 Korean no I’m the listen I’m just a regular person I’m not I have no hate in my heart for anyone whatsoever I’m a real I walk in a room with 400 Korean families and five wife M is on a black family hide in the corner I just walked in and I was like what the is this and my wife’s like what I go what do you mean what like she goes what I go the Taekwondo tournament going on in here you don’t see this you know my doing one who sees this she’s like babe I said there was going to be a lot of Koreans I’m like bitch a lot of Koreans in seven this is a dick look this is a boatload you should have said you were gonna North Korea that’s when he are right now so maybe if you get to know some the parent you won’t have a problem with it so I over the white black people hide in the corner like I’m here what are we gonna do thank God there was a black woman there to keep shit real first words out of her mouth you see all these small book ingredients I just met my Happy Birthday best friend it is a beautiful moment when a black woman and a white man can commit a hate crime together Sandhya’s her name and we start talking then a white woman comes over and screws it up just comes over and goes what you sandy leans into me and she goes we’re about to have the bird flu if we don’t leave this bitch the lady goes what and sandy just looks at me and goes they’re your people you handle this go I have girls she goes oh that’s so great what are their names I said Georgia and Isla she’s oh I have a boy I was like cool she’s like don’t you wanna know his like not at all she goes his name’s Joe Bonamassa john henry and I start Baby Micah laughing hysterically because that’s what I call my dick I just never met a Newman School john henry for my career serious sick you know what Red Sox john henry I’m like help really good he’s like my Birthday Wishes best friend and I start talking in his women for the whole orientation surreptitiously about my junk about my buddy Johnny Cash john henry who lives down south that is bald until my wife gets done her PI gal tournament comes over to us like what are you guys laughing about this was like you’re never going to believe this my son’s name is Newman Catholic john henry Laurens like oh that’s what he calls his sandy falls out laughing and I watched this woman realize all the stories I’ve been telling her about how Steel Driving john henry has two roommates how their next-door neighbor is an I was telling some from his textbook but he’s really 5:7 I thought it was funny I think what I find funny I don’t think other people find funny like I don’t know like I have like a disturbed sense of humor sometimes got I checked into the hotel room one time in Cincinnati and I like five bags with me I was on the road doing Travel Channel stuff and doing stand-up so I have five bags with me it’s bellman a tall young skinny black kid who was gonna be black Burke because he was it because he comes over he grabs all my bags puts him on a cart checks me and takes me into the elevator and in the elevator he goes man he got a lot of bags what’d you do for a living I go I’m a comedian he goes you put all your gags in these bags immediately I’m horrified because I think he thinks I’m a prop comic and sometimes I think of a joke the whole ride meal that I’m trying to get joke to make this kid laugh but I can’t think of anything we get a fourth floor Living Room door opens and it’s soon as it opens the door next to us opens and a older white guy walks out like maybe 67 years old BAM and he walks out just behind us and as we walk down the hallway he walks right behind us kids pushing I’m walking kids this guy’s right here five feet behind us as we walk BAM we take a left he takes a left we take a right he takes right he’s keeping pace moves you want to be like hey he just fake tie your shoe for a little bit or jog past us but you’re creeping us out George Zimmerman finally we get to the very end of the hall my door is the last door on the it turns out the old man’s room is right next to mine now I’ve been uncomfortable I haven’t made this kid laugh yet so as a joke as the guy opens goes open the door I lean over and I go him in if you want we can open up the connecting door we can hang out this weekend he was not ready for that and now he can’t get his key to work he’s like no thank you I’m good and I said no think about it when was the last time you made a new we’ll talk each other to sleep at night wake each other up in the morning I got towels you go towels you know he gets his door open and he goes I don’t think I want that to happen but before he can close it I stop and I go listen if you change your mind just knock and scratch he looks at me dead seriously as I probably won’t be doing that I look over to the kid to see if I made the kid laugh he said he’s already in the room I did a joke for nobody I literally walk in the room and he’s not even like putting the bags up I’m not being but like he just dumped him on the plug flipping him on the floor and now I’m like I gotta tip them but I don’t know how much give him yeah I know that I said five bucks for a bag but it’s five back there’s 25 bucks you just put him on a cart but here’s the problem I’m doing the math in my head in front of him I’m gonna tell about her Wow the money was a little bit along good the kid sees me doing this and he goes sir you don’t have to give me anything I said oh my god I’m so sorry I gotta give something you brought him all the way up because no that’s what I got hired to do was to take your bags from your car to your room it’s what I get paid for you don’t give me anything I go no you can put them all the way up I got to give you something and he goes no you don’t just knock and scratch I’m like seriously he’s like dead serious so me and this kid go up to the door and I’m knock and I scratch and you hear the old man go I don’t about it hang out oh my god I thought this kid was going to laughing self to get he literally was doubled over like do it again do it again best part of the story is he goes down and Google’s me and shows me to every black dude who works in the hotel so for the whole week and any time I walked in there like oh not scratch no I scratched man I’m gonna I’ll answer to go I thought a bear one time yeah I used to have a show on FX called hurt Burt watch of dangerous men’s jobs so the TV shows back in 2002 think I was a dominatrix camp I was an MMA fighter I was a rodeo clown I was a football player I was a stunt pilot I swam with great white sharks out of the cage and one day they called me off they’re like hey you want to fight a bear I was like who does that for a living and they’re like you do on Thursday I show up it is a nine foot Slow Life grizzly bear just sitting on a park bench dumb as you think a bear would look just so I go up to the bear I’m like 28 years old probably I go up to the bear and I stick my hand out in front of his snout so we can get my scent the trainer sees this and he goes are you doing I go I’m letting him get my scent and he goes hey buddy this is a National Park grizzly bear not a labradoodle okay he was we have protocol I go what’s that he pulls me over inside and he hands me five marshmallows here’s when the bear is not looking take a marshmallow put it your mouth Fenn nonchalantly walk in front of the bear show him the marshmallow like halt and allow him the opportunity to engage you and take the marshmallow your mouth with his mouth this way he’ll learn to trust you I was like that who thought of this to bear since the Bears idea and the guys just looks me down he goes hey this is how we do it my whole crews bottom like this is how we do that this is how I do it so I don’t know any better I’m 28 years old I go behind the bear I take a marshmallow I put in my mouth I walk in front of him like a street hooker like Paul oh the bear sees the marshmallow and lights up just like he rushes me the grace of a frat boy at 5:00 a.m. and tongues it out of my mouth bears never brush their teeth I’m making out with a homeless person five times in a row I get done the trainer goes fantastic we’re ready I go hold on I haven’t learned anything here’s what are you kidding me you learned the most important lesson I go what’s that he goes the bear likes marshmallows I go what does that do me and he goes listen if you get in trouble just stand your ground look the bear in the face and just go marshmallow and he’ll know you’re going to do your marshmallow trick so he’ll give you some space but more importantly we’ll hear you say that and we’ll know you’re in trouble so we’ll get you out of there we’ll take the bear get we’ll split it up I go yeah but he thinks they’re inside me what if he’s like don’t worry I’ll get him and just want rips me open you should be fine let go and I swear to god the bear is smiling just how I know how to get marshmallows around here bitch I got to tap you out rushes grabs me by both ears lift me off the ground and starts rag dolling me and growling i’m going still more so but no one can hear me there’s a nine-foot Sleeping Ute grizzly bear going all sudden he drops grabs me by the hip spins me doggy style locked in a bear hug and starts grinding on my ass now we’re both facing the crew and the trainer I’m going marshmallow look give me the out of here marshmallow everyone’s laughing except for the trainer who is a look of panic he jumps in our eye line and goes goal if I’m like please be talking to me right now and nothing if they’re a bare climbing up my jeans about the split center scene just for Rojo so I go live now it looks like I’m getting day raped by a bear just huh I slide out of his grip and that’s the last thing I remember because apparently his instincts took over and he sat on my face and the best way to get bear balls out of your mouth isn’t by saying marshmallow my wife who I’d known maybe three months I invited her to the set to impress her my wife’s a redneck like a legit redneck hardcore like her parents medal on ancestry mingle calm like we she talks you smell biscuits like she’s my point he’s not afraid of big animals she just goes over grabs marshmallow out the bag puts in her mouth stands by my feet goes Paul the bear then takes his balls out of my mouth goes over to her they takes the marshmallow her mouth they take my wife one way bear the other way they drag me under a tree and that’s where I wake up under a tree and a laugh of my producer Kim Scott who’s from like the upper top of Minnesota real dry still had a flat top kuru became and I go what happened he’s like well oh you got raped in t-bag by a bear you might want to get tested he said but I girl that LeAnn gross I think she saved your life and my wife comes over at that moment like it’s in a movie like my wife just comes walking over her body’s blocking the Sun all I see is like a orb around her and she leans in and as she does you can see that Sun running through her hair light just looking the icicles are you okay and I looked up her at that moment and we all know that moment when you know without a doubt that’s the moment and I know you’re like really stoked when you do it is my narrative okay I looked up at her from the ground and saw her with a halo from the Lord Himself and knew without a doubt I would never do that for her still wouldn’t when I was 22 I got involved with Russian mafia here’s how it happened I went school Florida State I was not a very good student I was there like seven years oh there’s in most of the 90s I was in college longer than grunge music was around oh this is how bad of a student I was one time I sucked up for a Russian class thinking was Spanish and it took three class before realized I don’t think this is Spanish so I got to believe the teacher who is hot he definitely worked out I’m kidding I don’t it was a girl it was a girl and she was hot she still is hot she stopped me she goes don’t go anywhere I need 14 kids he just got your xiv I need to teach his class in order to get my masters so if you sit back down you don’t have to do anything all semester and i’ll just give you a see I was like a straw bouffier bitches I’m back so I took Russian one two three and four never learned a word think about what I’m saying I took two years of language took four semesters of my college career for four semesters Russian four was taught in Russian do you have any idea what it’s like go to a class and sit there like an immigrant at the DMV all day like the undressing for same teacher pulls me.
Aside like we’re taking the trip to Russia if you go you’ll get a minor I was like okay hold on you know I can’t really speak read write or understand the language right she’s like I’m well aware of that you got to remember I was taking tests in a language with which I was unfamiliar with their alphabet do you have any idea what it’s like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics and the answer is Star Circle hashtag shoe shows it doesn’t matter we need kids to make this trip happen and if you go with all the classes you’ve taken and the ones you will take that you will get a minor and I was like oh that’s all you had to say let’s go to Russia and some minors the difference it was different minor obviously learn that the hard way so we went to Russia in 1995 this is when the mob ran everything and they told us that our very first night this at the whole class down like listen we have paid off the Mafia to keep you safe in exchange for our money they give us two young gangsters I’m in the room like this trip just got awesome the word for gangster and Russian is bun DP they go these bun deep you’re gonna live they’re going to walk you to class we’re gonna walk you back from class gonna take you on Los Angeles field trips walk you back from High School field trips do not speak to them they’re in the Mafia do not look at them do not engage them do not interact with them I was like they’re gonna be my Gift Ideas best friends so the Home Buyers first time I grab a bottle of vodka and the sixth I got ball to go which is our local beer and I planned a sentence I was going say to the Fouzia manasa Lewbert ocean Brianna yada Botha you coach guys anyone L Learn speak russian in here I love this someone says no I did a head count earlier it doesn’t look like it I’ll tell you what the sentence says it’s a badass sentence I worked all day on it hello my name is Bert it’s very nice to meet you I work pussy kind of it really means I work with cats I didn’t know the language what do you expect it doesn’t matter because second the Remote Start door opens and I’m face-to-face with a real Russian gangster with the wife beater the tattoos with the track pants and the cigarette and she just stares me up and down a frat boy from Florida State I was wearing a fanny pack he just looks at me and goes stole I panicked and everything I plan on saying flooded out of my head and all I said to him Russian in his doorway was I am the machine and he started laughing he goes what did you say I was like on the machine he grabs me to go is coming to tell my friends brings me in a room full of nine Russian gangsters drinking smoke and to just go stop tell them what now I’m like bucket on the mache they look at each other looked at me and they’re like it beautiful machine and I became the machine and these guys love me yeah you got to realize though the reason they love me is I went for shot with him that all night long until like 4:00 in the morning but all I knew how to say in their language was Papa machine and I cats so we did everything together we like the guy dancers though his name was Igor he was like my Birthday Quotes best friend we did everything together we ran a pool hall scam we stole a boat it was literally the best summer of my life and then one day the whole class was taking the trip to Moscow it’s an overnight New York train trip and I said where I go there’s gonna be a blast we’re gonna be in the same cabinet he goes I can’t go I said why not he goes different New York mafia runs train different mafia runs Moscow I said well hold on what’s that mean for me and he goes don’t worry I set up been DP I tell them about you they’ll take care of you sure enough we get to the train station and he introduces me to my two new gangsters Igor and he says to me goes guys this is the machine if you give the machine buck you’ll have a great time the big unity to Igor so say a kid on Christmas he’s like oh I can’t wait to play with a machine he grabs me he goes the machine doesn’t sit in coach the machines it’s in Baaki Sab first class with us I’m like that you know talking about we go to Mail International first class and it is pimped out with booze food and here’s the real gangster part second the train takes off out of the station everyone that works on the train comes in to pay their the conductor walked in riffs off the stars and stripes to his shirt places them on my lap and goes this is a present for the Machine it would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with la machine I’m 22 years old thinking oh these machine stories might have gotten out of control we drank all the booze in an hour big Igor stands up and goes machine we go to the bar cart to get more vodka I’m like it I’m in the mob I’ll do it over the I want we’re over the bar car like a big dick in a locker room just not that I’ve ever been that guy but I’ve seen it smack you know the look where everyone looks look oh shit okay whoa someone’s here okay all right Igor looks at me and in Russian he says machine go behind the bar and grab bread in Russian and I understood him for a second I’m like a I’m learning the language my way nothing flashcards in textbooks but by joining the Mafia I get behind the bar like Igor I know what your daddy’s a coupon your machine Penniman teen buying cheese I was like I got it give me another one he’s like grandpa because like already another one give me another one he’s like grab the money I’m like huh he goes grab the money and I realized that instant we’re robbing the bar cart and I’m the one doing it hooked on phonics style I grab the money walk out to my classmate see me and they’re like you’re in so much trouble go back to our first-class cabin within five minutes the head chaperone of this Grand Canyon train trip not the whole trip just this Cross Country train trip she was an English teacher who did not Google Translate speak russian who hated me before I robbed the train she comes over our first-class cabin and swings the door open with that like liberal arts confidence just this shit is over you’re done stand up right now you stand up get help you’re done stand up and biggie or look at me confused then smiles takes a big sip of vodka spits it in her eyes and goes no one talks to the machine like that shuts the door facing us that bitch this is Russia don’t worry machine when it gets dark we have good time like what the are we doing when it gets dark reaches in his pocket pulls out a ring of keys and he goes we’re robbing the whole train I’m a good person I don’t see no I don’t see this why let me tell you I don’t see to my wife I don’t cheat on my wife because one morning our whole family was in bed dog’s cats the girls my wife and we were just giggling it was pure it was perfect and I thought to myself I don’t ever want to screw up this most important thing this is what its life’s about and they got up to make chopped chocolate chip pancakes and I laid in bed and said I will never cheat on my wife had a conversation with myself I said if I ever get into a situation where a hot girls flirting with me or I think she’s flirting with me and it seems like he could go further I’m just gonna block myself I’m just gonna look her in the face in front of everyone go I don’t give her my life now I may be wrong she may not be hitting on me you may throw a drink in my face slap me or I may be right I none of that matters to me what matters to me is that I don’t cheat on my wife because I’ve already had that conversation here’s the problem I never had that conversation about robbing trains so when presented the opportunity I thought I’d be like not me I’m going to go back and work on my verbs but apparently when presented the opportunity I’m the guy that’s like it let’s start with my class so we rob them first while they slept if that makes it better and then we robbed the whole train it is any consolation we robbed me to my baggage with them and then we drank all night long all night like literally until 6:00 in the morning top five drunks I’ve ever been without throwing up in my entire life we pulled a Moscow at 6:00 am I’m pissed drunk you’ve been so drunk you’re like know I gotta piss but I get by my dick train stops Sun’s up unn hammered Liftmaster Garage door opens same Peecher not mad curious right she looks me in the eyes smiling goes I want to be the one to tell you they’ve alerted the police and I look out and on the platform my whole class is standing over the cop talking upset they’re good Rob’s I get it apparently they’ve never heard snitches get stitches biggie refuses and it’s completely unphased he’s like don’t worry I talked to police for both of us I was like oh thank god he cracks a bottle of vodka I’m like no I wouldn’t bring that out to an officer maybe lights a cigarette walks out to the cop who’s taking a statement the cop is taking a statement eager walks up behind grabs him by the arm pins him around and goes you we sock you in the mouth we you in the ass wait I’m acceptable can we shit now the cop is just staring at me and I hear him bark out sponge on the desk good day which I don’t even know what that means but it doesn’t sound like you’re okay stay there it is a come-to-jesus moment where know you up all I thought as I walked to the cop who’s standing in front of the class I just robbed next to the gangster I robbed them with my only thought was this isn’t how I plan on spending my second junior year and the Gulag taking hot dicks to the throat I get five steps in the cop who looks impatient as shit he takes too big a steps grabs me by the arm spins me away from my class away from Igor pulls me right into his face and he goes soul I understand you’re the machine night tonight you party with us I was like what is like tonight you party with us yes and I looked at him and I was like wait I’m not in trouble and he gets so close to me I can smell his morning cigarette he goes no that bitch this is Russia thank you so much thank you so much.
Thank you so much everyone for coming out tonight take care of garlic.