All right cut the music cut the music yes the machine yes don’t worry I didn’t drive out here not to tell that story okay guys give me all these cameras and I won’t bring that up yeah I am the machine I’m also a father of two with high blood pressure and possibly an inactive thyroid because my wife scheduled a Comic Con blood panel this week sure I got you a Vitamin D blood panel I thought we should know if something’s wrong with you I go I’m shooting a special on Friday do you think maybe you could hold off well don’t you want to no not this week no I didn’t even know men had thyroid I mean dead serious doctors like does your dad have a thyroid I was like I don’t think so I said holy cow are you serious how about his dad I go no definitely not yeah you should know something’s wrong do you have children that dude I did not sign up for this responsibility to be a grown up I don’t know if you guys feel the way I do but just like growing up sucks dick I like kids I got two kids I got two kids I got Georgia is 11 blond hair blue eyes real smart and I got another one I don’t know if you guys got one of those kids that was just mess literally like board-certified messes like if it wasn’t my kid I’d be like she’s stupid but she’s mine so I love just doesn’t think right her brain like blasted this morning we’re cuddling in bed she’s laying on my arm laying on my arm she starts doing this I go what are you doing because I’m trying to soften it up I wish my arm aiyla I know it’s hard as a rock dyslexic oh shit if you got a read with her you can’t let her read by herself cause she just won’t she just won’t she gets too hard and your heart breaks we I don’t want to sit and read a book I have a hard time reading too and then she just sits there and looks at the word and then like tries to guess it off your face like pterodactyl no it’s the ILA very few books you’re gonna read in your life we’re gonna start off with pterodactyl crocodile no the car ila the she’s smart just not like a useful to society smarty like he’ll never reap the benefits of her intelligence I promise you that unless you have a dead body at your trunk at 2:00 a.m. there’s a attempted kidnapping in a school Jason tars and the teacher taught the kids down told them they need a safe word Isla comes home locked in dad we need a safe word like okay how about Agnes that’s the street we live on she was too easy yeah too easy I go why I said they could guess that I go hey Isla if someone’s guessing at our safe word don’t get in their car I go how about Priscilla that’s our dogs because are you even thinking I go what do you think it should be shit even miss abhi she goes how about think about it dad no one’s gonna say to a kid it is and that was our safe word man I had to change it I had to change it was too good knew I was taking it on stage so I detained but not before Stephen Franck him had to pick him up he’s like I’ll get the girl I was like heads up our safe words he’s like I can’t say that to your kids I was like good luck get nyla home he pulls up Georgia jumps in the car like she’s trying to get molested Islands lockdown was her safe word she’s done it this guy eight of her nine years but our safe word he’s a guy that I know the safe word it’s a bad word I’m not saying it out loud shoes then I’m not getting in your car he looks at her he goes the safe word is she looks at him before and all the teachers he goes I can’t hear you that’s this child you get these two morons together holy shit George is like caveman the discover fire aisle is like the caveman who discovered stop drop and roll they woke up one morning they wake up at 5:00 in the morning they were younger they I don’t know how old they were but they were younger like I don’t trust dads who know exactly how old their kids are have you talking to a dad he’s like 16 months today he better be married to another dad and that’s I don’t mean that homophobic I’m not homophobic at all not I’m definitely not I’m more like I’m comfortable if you’re gay I’m comfortable with your lifestyle I’m just afraid one night you’ll get me drunk and tricked me into it and I’ll it like so I saw gay once for like 45 minutes let me tell you something holy shit ladies you got to step up your blowjob game yeah you’re still playing JV basketball and the gay guys are the Harlem Globetrotters yeah don’t get on cocks holding their own head this the are we talking about literally I get off on this gay rant the oh my daughter’s huh gay guys sucking oh my daughter’s okay here we go this’ll work my daughter’s woke up at five in the morning five in the morning they were younger they were like three and five four and six they weren’t wearing watches so they wake up at five in the morning five in the morning five in the mornings are training to be farmers or some shit you Nevada they’re on a meth I’m out of the closet I don’t know all we hear is them Ripping Paper laughing hysterically on the baby monitor like two homeless guys have just found a 20 so I go downstairs this what I see aiyla my baby is naked which isn’t weird because apparently one time I told her sometimes you gotta let your shit breathe we only know that cuz that’s what she told the preschool teacher yeah on the swing set in a dress just airing her shit out just foot JJ teaches like oh I know honey wear your panties just I’ll fall sometimes gotta let your shit our lives in the Radha’s naked George’s in the rocking chair Dogs Compilation laughing hysterically and our dogs sitting between them like oh no I’m like hey guys it’s really early in the morning mommy and I are still sleeping what could possibly be so funny Georgia gets to my face scoffs daddy you got to see baby Islands new trick it is hilarious I said what is it she goes no I don’t want to spoil it for dad you got to see isla show daddy the trick so isla my baby lunatic the naked one real quick takes her fingers shoves it up her ass don’t judge me do you think I was ready to parent that it’s 5:00 in the morning think you could have merited it the super nanny couldn’t stopped it and now it’s in there as a parent I kind of want to see the second part of the trick she takes it out of her ass and puts it in the dog’s mouth no hey you I saw it okay I’m just telling you about it iced I was like what the is wrong with you two what are you guys sure Minh new rule we do not put our fingers in our butts and then put them in our animal’s mouth Georgia gets in my face goes calm down it’s funny you just don’t get it well what part of that trick is funny Georgia shouldn’t even miss Abby’s ghost we’ve been doing it all morning and the dog doesn’t know his poop dad I’m like bucket do it again they do it again the dog comes right back like what’s on the bigger what’s on a finger oh yeah what’s on that finger what’s with a finger so an hour later what my wife woke up I’m like you got to see baby I love this new trick she’s like what is it knows like I don’t want to spoil it you gotta see it I’ll show mommy the trick and I’ll it just goes to town well what the is wrong with you Mike given era gets funnier the dog doesn’t know it shit no watch the dog it’s a rescue it’s fine kids it’s the fact that you think about them all the time did you non-stop I jumped out of a plane with Rachael Ray is she here Rachael Ray is a gangster like legit gay she comes in I do her show she comes backstage at like 8:00 in the morning she’s got a pint of Guinness a bowl of chili with a fried egg on top oh she comes back because I know your comic I thought a beer might loosen you up for the show I don’t know if you’d like a chili with an egg I’m like as she hands it to me she goes what’s one thing you’d never do on your show Bert conquer Ibis Oberth conquer I do extreme activities she was what’s thank you no thank you she is what’s one thing you never do and I haven’t answered its skydiving go know I never go skydiving she goes really I could never I don’t want to go just awesome I’ll see you out on stage I was like wonder why she asked that I get out on the stage and the first thing she says to the crowd is alright backstage Bert said he’d never go skydiving a monk pitch that was a secret she’s like who wants to see him do it and now I have 500 women going do it fat boy and I got the beer in me too chilly I’m like it let’s go two weeks later I’m strapped to a dude you know that’s how you skydive just strapped to a dude in a prison rape harness that’s how you skydive just Stretton he tells you when to walk one two sit it is massively emasculating has anyone ever been skydiving in here you’ve been and so you get the plane and you’re sitting in a dude’s lap you’re sitting your Navy SEAL moment and you’re sitting in a dudes lap and I start shaking because nervous I’m like freaking out and he’s can feel me cuz I realize nice we got a taxi realized I haven’t flown sober in 20 years sober in a big plane in 20 years and I haven’t flown in two dudes laughing 42 and he feels me shaking and he’s like what’s the matter what do you mean what’s the matter I go I’m nervous just about what we need about what he was were you nervous what are you afraid of go I don’t know you’ll get hard you’ll get hard that’ll trigger me I’ll get hard we’ll both get hard then we’ll jump out of the plane our suit won’t open and that’s how two backpackers will you me into the earth you me into the planet that’ll be the how I go this guy craved it so bad he had a man harness him up and him out of his shoes until his head exploded in the woods I go I’m nervous our chute won’t open he goes you couldn’t kill us if you tried like I’m a smart guy I could figure it out I lean over to Rachel and I grab her leg just it’s mostly just grab her leg and I start squeezing she goes it’s matter go I don’t wanna do this she goes I think you’re doing it she’s like you’re at the front of the tube of toothpaste everyone’s out behind going you’re definitely going I go no I don’t want to and she goes you look and now the engines kick in and she starts yelling at me good look you’ll be fine whatever you do not watch me go out the door you will freak the out I’m like who taught you how to talk someone off a ledge we get up to our cruising altitude heard her do get up perfectly like Danny and sannyasa bamboo she posts up at the door looks me in the eyes does her read one taped camera I’m Rachael Ray I’m at 30,000 feet with both girl Beverly and everybody who’s ready buthe yellow or whatever let’s go and then looks at me in this bird I’m like yeah just don’t watch this and they get sucked out of the plane and I have panic shoot out of my I grab on to the cameraman who’s not wearing a parachute there’s an open door at 13,000 feet and soon as I touched him he just starts kicking me get off the sound guideposts up in the corner with the boom like a gladiator get it down get it now my guy just takes over and baby bj rn’s me rule here we go takes me to the corner and I lock in I go I’m having second thoughts he said we’re going in three like I’m not hard yet we’re going into and I was like you go buy yourself a meeting down there and then he says oh my god what’s wrong with your strap link what and we go scream into the earth at a hundred miles an hour this guy’s in my ear like do you want to catch up with Rachel I’m like her she’s dead to me it is an epiphany moment dare I.
Say and my therapist says I have a low threshold for a pivotal moments but and I always say like did you want to go skydiving okay the people that don’t want to go skydiving or who should go skydiving it’s those that don’t want to go that appreciate it the most you go and you’re just Viking all the way people who don’t want to go there’s a moment where you realize the dice have been rolled there’s nothing you can do to change this you’re either gonna live or die in five minutes and you can’t take a pill or start working out to stop it is out of your control and you are forced with a decision how do you meet your maker do you go out like a Viking huh or do you start crying like a baby oh I picked the Viking I at that moment I said I’ve had a beautiful life let’s do it until the chute open then I started crying aggressively that like in a dudes lap have you ever cried in a man’s lap have you ever had a man take you out to the middle of a field and sit in your lap and just sobs silently that’s technically what I’m doing to this poor guy here’s the first thing I thought of was my kids I’m gonna get to see my kids again and pizza like I get pizza and I just started sobbing under this canopy and the poor guys like dude it’s gonna be okay like you we did it we did it was so bad when we went to land he’s like clean yourself up and gonna think I did something to you and then all the lasting thought that stuck with me was my children that’s it I go with my children they’re gonna have a they have a dad like what that is not what I signed up for when I picked my wife out of a bowling alley like when I met her like I didn’t sign up for the vulnerability that’s the part about having kids that fucks you up is the bone and you’ve children you do how many you got one you’re barely in it we don’t you got two and you go shit if we lose one it’s gonna be awkward children the thing that will and I don’t know if you’ve been there how old’s your kid – oh you’re brand new to the game man where do they meet disaster in their life from they meet let down or oh we took the girls we took the girls to school this year Leon takes Georgia I take eila walk up the first day of school and here’s the thing with girls first day of school you hope they have friends in their class or it’s a shit show so Leon’s got Georgia I take either we go to the like on the fence they put all the names on the fence I go up to the fence ila can’t read I looked at the list room 9 I walked over to room 9 here’s my seat as we walk over to room 9 this first guy I see Chinese kids short don’t be big like baby Beluga head his hair starts in the middle right and he’s just got this stare like a dog’s got peanut butter stuck in his throat like kid behind him hand licker just like he’s trying get to the center of it kid behind him tippy-toe Walker you know that kid handful to pokemon cards huh anyone wondering a trade anyone afraid eyeless sees this it’s like can I talk to you for a second we go over to the New York handball courts I sit down this is what’s happening Iowa’s got her head back like this I don’t know what she’s doing he’s got her head back like this what she’s doing is she’s holding the tears in her eyes don’t get me started she brings her head down to me she and Rottier falls out she looks at me dead in the eyes and she goes daddy am I in this stupid class I didn’t sign up for this okay I was at goddamn stallion on my wife found me a untethered beautiful animal just runnin at my own speed I was gorgeous no one controlled me I decided what I wanted to do if it rained I’ve run in the range of mists coming off my mane tail and just rearing up outside the village for all the villagers to see and my wife was his disease settler with rickets like her I need me a stallion so she snuck up on me with a bag of carrots or blowjobs and was like come here boy come here boy hey Doughboy try it you like it no you like it I bet you’ll like it I bet you liked it and you liked it you tried to carry you like it but what you don’t realize is that when they’re handing you the carrot with the other hand they start petting you that’s them taming oh you have a beautiful mane oh you should start wearing khakis oh it’s okay boy it’s okay you should get rid of your Jeep all right and then one day out of nowhere the petting makes sense you feel him Pat you’re like oh yeah maybe I should go to the dentist more than once every ten years and then you don’t even realize it but one morning you go to run just like you used to run just like everyone loves to watch you run and as you take off you feel someone pull back on the reins like whoa we don’t do shots at a child’s and there I am just an old nag now I don’t even get carrots anymore I just get hey I do get carrots there I thought a temper tantrum for him and now I’m sitting in a pair of sweatpants by the Central Park handball courts and I got a nine-year-old break on my heart at 7:45 in the morning this isn’t when I signed up for and I’m looking at her and I’m like thinking how do I deal with like hey it’s okay stupid classes are fun like lowered expectation is high rewards you know I you know I thought of my friends the guys that I smoked pot they all stupid is as stupid duck like an Lianne comes over and she’s like hey what’s going on here now we’re both tearing up we’re both crying and she goes what’s going on and I was I’m like she we think she’s in the stupid class she brought it up I definitely agree I definitely agree and Lena’s like hold on I go no you hold on you got a look at that class it looked like a cast of Goonies like and Leanne’s like hold on everyone stop crying there’s no such thing as the stupid class I’m like name I beg to disagree she’s like no I love honey if there was a stupid class they would have had to call me two months ago and say hey we’re putting Isla in the stupid class and I would have taken you out of the school in a second I would have never let you bet him do that to you but if they did call me two months ago Isla and I knew today was your day to go into this stupid class I knew that do you think I would let you roll in with dad and that makes sense the eyeless she’s like yeah he’s not the heavy-lifting parent and I’m like yeah here with me there’s nothing wrong it’s ghosts come on let’s go look at your class so they go walk over to the class and all out his friends Lily Dakota Kylie they’re all in the class and Lance like hey your friends are in there or your friends stupid not I was like no she’s like you get in line you have a fantastic year she comes walking over me I’m still gonna Las Vegas handball courts she comes walking over to me and I am blown away she comes up say hey go I did not parent that well she’s like no shit go I thought she was in the stupid occurrence man’s like she is you were gonna tell her I was gonna tell her it’s like you belong in the stupid class I let’s getting all I hate school she’s getting in all fairness skinned her ass handed to her daily like it’s bad when you’re dyslexic it’s tough she I dropped her off like by two weeks ago I go to give her a kiss on the cheek goodbye she grabs my neck like seven want me to go and then whispers in my ear goes pick me up early I’m like well let me run that by mom she goes do you have to run it by mom and now she’s in my head I’m like yeah that bitch I make the calls around here if I want to pick you I’ll pick you up early I go but wait what do you mean well like what time should listen mom’s got therapy at noon she leaves like 11:15 if you show up 11:30 you gotta pick me up anyway she’ll have no idea you got me early I go tell him I have a Cold Sore dentist appointment I go how long have you been thinking about this she goes dad tell him I have a Sick Leave dentist appointment I promise no one’s gonna know okay I go home I feel like I’m about to commit a bank robbery I’m sitting on the couch and Leanne just gets up Saiga 11:15 I gotta go to therapy I’m like clockwork she leaves I’m like screw it I’m picking her up early I go into the office I don’t even have to say anything I walk in there like her you eyeless daddy go I am like her tooth has been killing her all day eyelet comes out of the nurse’s office ice pack on her cheek eyes are like start the car we get in the car first things out of her mouth ice cream and puck but let’s do a big guy it’s like hey you made the day let’s do yeah it was a great it was a great day I think the best part of the day was just having a live at me and her new and lying to my other daughter and my wife together as a team it was kind of like bonding I put her to bed that night I go listen if I ever cheat on your mom I’m gonna need your help I’m not cheating on my wife I’m not cheating on my wife for a number of reasons just being one I don’t even know I don’t know about doing it right I’ve never had that like security that women have you know that like oh there’s a like an errant like when it comes to sex women just know they hit out it I’ve you ever is that your man right there young lady have you ever given him an orgasm look at her she scoffs at me like rolls her eyes those yeah would you bet your life on it she’s like yeah would you bet your life on it cuz we don’t know you think I’m telling it’s you know if you’ve done your job right cuz there’s proof that happened right there see that there got it Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick right there but every time we have sex with you guys it’s like Keyser s ze did that happen I don’t know I’ll put it I’ll take it far this guy right here he’s your boyfriend right sir be honest if I said to you right now I will give you fifteen million dollars tax-free if you can bring one person on this stage and give them an orgasm within 15 minutes you think he’s picking a chick no look at him he’s already standing up he’s like I’ll Jack you off right now who didn’t work let’s go start ah you think he’s gonna pick a chick you think he’s picking his shit no way too complicated I don’t want to face the audience you face the audience oh my god it’s right there all staring at me I lie and hear people laughing they’re making fun of it just stop it let’s just don’t worry I’m sorry I messed this up and he’s definitely not picking another chick you think he’s gonna roll the dice on a brand new chick try to figure that out with the clock run engine back up like this or Cinnabons Cinnabon okay the pants made bets invent Hignett what okay yeah what’s okay the end go give it on that you ever try the one where you go in the garage but up where you keep the bikes go try that and you fiddle with the bikes come here their bikes hither come here the rights come hither I that one up try that went right past the bikes ended up in the Attic just ripping out insulation like a raccoon just it was so bad the homeowner had to come out moving are complicated just like.
They’re the way they think first time I had sex with my wife we’ve been dating a while it’s that beautiful moment I don’t know every we’ve all felt it where you’re making out on a couch and then you undo the SIRT and your heart skips a beat you’re like oh god this is happening this is really happening to be and I was head over heels for kiss and shirt comes off pant button comes off she stops because there’s something I need to tell you I was like this bitch has herpes and I start thinking about it in my head like does it matter I’m 28 I made it this far I think they gotta have an outbreak what are the odds it’s the outbreak season if you wear I don’t know I don’t even know but if you wear a condom does it I don’t know but in my head I’m like wish I had paid more attention in no class my wife looks at me and goes I’m in debt that’s okay I thought you had herpes she says no why would I have herpes I know why would you stop someone before they’re about to have sex to tell them you’re in debt just I thought we were getting serious chrome trying to you not your bank account she just know it we’re gonna have sex that means we’re getting serious and we’re getting serious you need to know I’m $25,000 in debt that hangs over my head and I go hey I’m trying to you not Fannie Mae alright let’s do this and we had sex that night and we fell in love and we got married and we had kids and did you know when you get married you accrue someone’s debt I wish she had herpes what’s crazy now is there’s like a thing in our relationship I don’t know that this happens to everyone but like nowadays we almost get more passionate talking about money than we do sex like it’s easier for us like we talked about adding on to our house we’re like whoo oh you wanna anybody open a bottle of wine maybe huh talk about a brand new bathroom huh then you have sex and it’s just like I’m so almost I don’t mean to like suck the romance out of it like I don’t hit on her I’m not gonna hit on my wife get shot down by your wife you know humiliating that is to be like hey what do you think I’d get the off me okay awesome now I feel like a human piece of garbage cool I can’t anyone in the world especially not you and that’s how all this was great you ever try to pull out a brand new move in the bedroom I tried to do reverse cowgirl I said to her in the middle of having sex I go who watch our first cowgirl she looks at me she goes where did we hear about this some of the fellas down by the basketball courts were talking about it they she just gets like she’s a very sweet woman but she just gets like fine what is it look tell her to do some what to do really like it’s almost like we’re lab partners like we’re tell me what to I’ll do it if that’s what you’re into I’m like that’s not what into I’m just saying let’s try it maybe we’ll like it I don’t you know just tell me what to do I’m like okay I’ve never seen this part of where the guy walks her through it like I go like you face the other direction she’s like I face the ball I was like one or the camera I guess that is they face the camera at that point I don’t know why they do that and I don’t know I’ve never done this okay so you don’t tell me what to I’ll do it I go will you turn around so I can just look at the wall I know yeah your eyes look whatever you want a look at fine it this is what you’re into like that’s how you want to start a brand new sex move if this is what you’re into it’s this right like we’re on a.
Motorcycle is this right yeah I think no I mean right hold on to your feet that’s not sexy just looking at your feet I’m just looking at your feet right now I’m like you can look whatever you want to is it are you looking at my is that what you’re looking at does this turn you on to look at my bubble okay I’m starting to feel disconnected I’m feeling very disconnected I don’t even I found being very disconnected I’m like can you just not be the person I own a home with and be a whore for five minutes mean I make that sound bad but do I mean that the alternative is what I get like a young girlfriend that I can’t I’m not shitting on young people you guys look very hung I’m sure it’s very fun to get naked with you and touch you that part’s not bad it’s the talking to you afterwards that would be somewhat problematic like I don’t like is what would I say that like a 22 year old girl after sex like hey you want to play on your iPad Oh snapchats got some new abs cool I need a ride-or-die bitch I need a I need a woman with some flaws and a woman with like literally a kind of girl that will blow you and book you a cardiologist appointment kind of woman that’ll blow you this spider runny nose just that’s a woman for you right there just taking one for the team yeah kind of woman don’t fart during sex yeah my wife will fart during sex she said to kid she’s not rocking the original rims and tires okay two kids she’s riding dirty on 22s just our last ever lies then there goes into your guys oh it’s true ladies I hate to say this but after 40 vagina start aging exponentially like dog ears just not that no listen that nuts it’s not just you it’s all of us I mean men once we get 40 our dick starts doing this Benjamin buttons thing but it looks and younger like I think our bodies get bigger or dick stays the same size looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city like hell no we won’t go I get naked now and that’s love when your wife sees you naked when your dicks the smallest it’s ever been like right after you go to the gym and she just sees it goes all little guy look at that little can right-click um just change this I’m cool to changing I’m just saying like I mean a little bit of upkeep ladies like thing now I remember when my I met my wife’s vagina I remember just it was beautiful it was like there was curb appeal like it was wack stand shined buffed and fluffed with those lace song panties you could take off with a pinky just and when you did it was like you are least a princess just I saw it the other day it was after drop-off I had to pull off.
Those big comfort cotton panties the ones that don’t give you a yeast infection you know those ones all the hair is matted down looks like the crazy cat lady’s house and it’s just staring at you like she farts not like for money but just it happens not all the time out but not all the time but I wouldn’t bet against it I take over the bed that’s part of marriage that’s part of marriage is you that is part of love is when you accept person for their flaws and like that and that’s when you know you’re a man when your woman farts during sex cuz you move her over too quickly and she just farts and you don’t say a word and you go I didn’t hear it I love you sorry I didn’t hear it either I love you the dog is up on the bed are we pardon I’ll take it this far I’ll take it this far my wife started during oral sex you know what they call that commitment when you take one on the chin for the team you didn’t know you had one of the.
Chamber no you got to warn me I’m still down here now you could have shit in my mouth no I have a beer that’s still in and then she starts crying oh what the are you crying about I’m the one in The Hurt Locker SiC you’re going to talk about this on you’re right I am in all fairness I didn’t bring it up until the second time it happened I was like if it happened to me twice it’s had happen to somebody else I can’t be the only one out here going really no one else’s catch there’s one on the button that’s marriage my wife so grime my wife’s a fantastic woman she really is she’s kind of person like I couldn’t raise these kids she like research his good schools she was cool one time she goes uh it’s great school there are a lot of Koreans I don’t okay we show up is 98 Korean no I’m gonna listen I’m just a regular person I’m not I’ve no 8 in my heart for anyone whatsoever I’m a real I walk in a room with 400 Korean families and five wife em isn’t a black family hide in the corner I just walked in and I was like what the and my wife’s like what I go what do you mean what like she goes what I go the Taekwondo tournament going on in here you don’t see this you know am I doing one who sees this she’s like babe I said there was gonna be a lot of Koreans I’m like bitch a lot of Koreans is seven this is a dick load this is a boat load you should have said you wanted North Korea except Wendy are right now she go maybe if you to have some of the parents you won’t have a problem with it it’s light over the white and black people hiding in the corner like I’m here what are we gonna do thank God there was a black woman there to keep shit real first words out of her mouth you see all these motherfucking Koreans I just met my Happy Birthday best friend it is a beautiful moment when a black woman and a white man can commit a hate crime together Sandhya’s her name and we started talking then a white woman comes over and screws it up just comes over and goes what do you guys have sandy leans into me she goes we’re about to have the bird flu if I don’t leave this bitch the lady goes what and sandy just looks at me and goes they’re your people you handle this go I have girls she goes oh that’s so great what are their names I said Georgia and Isla just oh I have a boy I was like cool she’s like don’t you want to know his name like not at all she goes his name’s Joe Bonamassa john henry and I start Baby Micah laughing hysterically cuz that’s what I call my dick I just never met a Newman School john henry before my career sick you know what Red Sox john henry like healthy really good he’s like my Birthday Wishes best friend and I start talking in his women for the whole orientation surreptitiously about my junk about my buddy Johnny Cash john henry who lives down south his ball until my wife gets done her PI gal tournament comes over to us was like what are you guys laughing about this was like you’re never gonna believe this my son’s name is Newman Catholic john henry my wife said that’s what he calls his sandi falls out laughing and I watched this woman realize all the stories I’ve been telling her about how Steel Driving john henry has two roommates how their next-door neighbor is an how he tells everyone he’s six foot but he’s really five seven I thought it was funny I think what I find funny I don’t think other people find funny I no like I have like a disturbed sense of humor sometimes got I checked into this hotel room one time in Cincinnati and I like five bags with me I was on the road doing Travel Channel stuff and do a stand-up so I have five bags with me it’s bellmen tall young skinny black kid it was gonna be black Bert because was he comes over he grabs all my bags puts him on a cart checks me and takes me into the elevator and in the elevator he goes man you got a lot of bags what you do for a living I go I’m a comedian he goes you put all your gags in these bags immediately I’m horrified because I think he thinks I’m a prop comic and so I’m trying to think of a joke the whole ride the elevator I’m trying to take a joke to make this kid laugh but I can’t think of anything we get up to our floor Living Room Washing Machine door opens and soon as it opens the door next to us opens and an older white guy walks out like maybe 67 years old BAM and he walks out just behind us and as we walk down the hallway he walks right behind us kids pushing I’m walking his kids were this guy’s right here five feet behind us as we walk BAM we take a he takes left we take a right he thinks right he’s keeping pace with you want to be like hey he just take tires sue for a little bit or jog past us but you’re creeping us out George Zimmerman finally we get to the very end of the hall my door is the last door on the and it turns out the old man’s room is right next to mine now it’s been uncomfortable I haven’t made this kid laugh yet so as a joke as a guy opens goes open his door I lean over and I go him in if you want we can open up the connecting door we can hang out this weekend he was not ready for that and now he can’t get his key to work he’s like no thank you no I’m good and I said no think about this when was the last time you made a new friend we’ll talk each other to sleep at night wake each other up in the morning I got towels you go towels you know he gets his Hp Deskjet door open and he goes I don’t think I want that to happen but before he can close it I stop and I go listen if you change your mind just knock and scratch he looks at me dead seriously as I probably won’t be doing that I look over to the kid to see if I made the kid laugh he said he’s already in the room I did the joke for nobody I literally walk in the room and he’s not even like putting the bags up I’m not being but like he’s just dumping him on the floor flipping him onto the floor and now I’m like I gotta tip him but I don’t know how much tip um yeah I know that I took five bucks for a bag but it’s five back it was 25 bucks he just put him on a cart but here’s the problem I’m doing the math in my head in front of him I’m going wow the money was wrong the kid sees me doing this and he goes sir you don’t have to give me anything I said oh my god I’m so sorry I gotta give something you brought him all the way up because no that’s what I got hired to do was to take your bags from your car to your room that’s what I get paid for you don’t give me anything I go no but you brought them all the way up I got to give you something and he goes no you don’t just knock and scratch all right seriously he’s like dead serious so me and this kid go up to the door and I knock and I scratch and you hear the old man go I don’t wanna hang out I thought this kid was gonna laugh himself to death he literally was doubled over like do it again do it best part of the story is he goes down and Google’s me and shows me to every black dude who works in the hotel so for the whole weekend anytime I walked in and they’re like oh not scratch not scratch man I’m the audience of the I fought a bear one time yeah I used to have a show on FX called hurt Berto I took dangerous men’s jobs the TV shows back in 2002 think I was a dominatrix camp I was an MMA fighter I was a rodeo clown I was a football player I was a stunt pilot I stand with great white sharks out of the cage and one day they called me out they’re like hey do you want to fight a bear I was like who does that for a living and they’re like you do on Thursday I show up it is a nine-foot Slow Life grizzly bear just sitting on a park bench dumb as you think a bear would look so I go up to the bear I’m like 28 years old probably I go up to the bear and I stick my hand out in front of his snout so he can get my scent the trainer season he goes what are you doing I go I’m letting him get my scent and he goes hey buddy this is a National Park grizzly bear not a labradoodle okay you just we have protocol I go what’s that he pulls me over the side and he hands me five marshmallows here’s when the bear is not looking take a marshmallow put it your mouth man nonchalantly walk in front of the bear like Paul show him the marshmallow like Paul and allow him the opportunity to engage you and take the marshmallow your mouth with his mouth this way he’ll learn to trust you and I was like that who thought of this the bear this the Bears idea and the guys just looks me down and goes hey this is how we do it my whole crew smiling like this is how we do this is how I do it so I don’t know any better I’m 28 years old I go behind the bear I take a marshmallow I put in my mouth I walk in front of him like a street hooker like oh the bear sees the marshmallow and lights up just like he rushes me with a grace of a frat boy at 5 a.m. and tongues it out of my mouth Bears never brush their teeth I’m making out with a homeless person five times in a row I get done the trainer goes fantastic we’re ready I go hold on I haven’t learned anything here’s what are you kidding me you learned the most important lesson I go what’s that he goes the bear likes marshmallows I go was that to me and he goes listen if you get in trouble just stand your ground look the bear in the face and just go marshmallow and he’ll know you’re gonna do your marshmallow trick so he’ll give you some space but more importantly we’ll hear you say that and we’ll know you’re in trouble so we’ll get you out of there we’ll take the bear get we’ll split it up like oh yeah but he thinks they’re inside me what if he’s like don’t worry I’ll get him and just rips me open you should be fine let’s go and I swear to god the bear is smiling just oh I don’t know I get marshmallows around here bitch I gotta tap you out rushes grabs me by both ears lifts me off the ground and starts rag dolling me and growling but no one can hear me there’s a nine-foot Sleeping Ute grizzly bear going oh sudden he drops grabs me by the hip spins me doggy style locks in a bear hug and starts grinding on my ass now we’re both facing the crew and the trainer I’m going marshmallow look out of here everyone’s laughing except for the trainer who has a look of panic he jumps in our eyeline and goes go limp I’m like please be talking to me right now and not the is there a bear climbing up my jeans about the split center scene just for show oh so I go lived now it looks like I’m getting date-raped by a bear just huh I slide out of his grip and that’s the last thing I remember because apparently his instincts took over and he saddled my face and the best way to get bear balls out of your mouth isn’t by saying marshmallow my wife who I had known maybe three months I invited her to the set to impress her my wife’s a redneck like a legit redneck hardcore like her parents medal on ancestry mingle calm like we she talks you smell biscuits like she’s my poining she’s not afraid of big animals she just goes over grabs a marshmallow out of the bag puts in her mouth stands by my feet knows all the bear then takes his balls out of my mouth goes over to her they he takes the marshmallow her mouth they take my wife one way to bear the other way they drag me under a tree and that’s where I wake up under a tree and the laugh of my producer Tim Scott who’s from like the upper top of Minnesota real dry still had a flat top to Rubik face I open my eyes I see him and I go what happened he’s like well you got raped in t-bag by you might want to get tested he said be like girl that LeAnn gross and I think she saved your life and my wife comes over at that moment like it’s in a movie like my wife just comes walking over her body’s blocking the Sun all I see is like a orb around her and she leans in and as she does you can see that Sun running through her hair lights just looking in the icicles are you okay and I looked up her at that moment and we all know that moment when you know without a doubt that’s the moment and I know you’re like really but you knew it is my narrative okay I looked up at her from the ground and saw her with a halo from the Lord Himself and knew without a doubt I would never do that for her still wouldn’t when I was 22 I gotten Bob with Russian mafia here’s how it happened I what school at Florida State I was not a very good student I was there like seven years I was there in most of the 90s I was in college longer than grunge music was around this how bad of a student I was one time I signed up for a rushing class think he was Spanish and it took three classes for realize I don’t think this is Spanish so I got to leave the teacher who was hot he definitely worked out I’m kidding I don’t it was a girl it was a girl and she was hot she still is hot she stopped me she goes don’t go anywhere I need 14 kids teachers guys you’re the 14th I need to teach his class in order to get my masters so if you sit back down you don’t have to do anything all semester and I’ll just give you a C I was like straw boots you bitches hop so I took Russian one two three and four never learned a word think about what I’m saying I took two years of language – four semesters of my college career for four semesters Russian four was taught in Russian if you have any idea what it’s like go to a class and sit there like an immigrant at the DMV all day light the under Russian four same teacher.
Pulls me aside like we’re taking the trip to Russia if you go you’ll get a minor I was like okay hold on you know I can’t release beak read write or understand the language right she’s like I’m well aware of that you got to remember I was taking tests in a language with which I was unfamiliar with their alphabet if you have any idea what it’s like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics and the answer is Star Circle hashtag shoe because it doesn’t matter we need kids.
To make this trip happen and if you go with all the classes you’ve taken and the ones you will take that you will get a minor and I was like that’s all you had to say let’s go to Russia and some minors it’s a who’s different miner obviously learn that the hard way so we went to Russia in 1995 this is when the mob ran everything and they told us at our very first night to set the whole class down they’re like listen we have paid off the Mafia to keep you safe in exchange for our money they give us two young gangsters I’m in the room like this trip just got awesome the word for a gangster and Russian is bun DT they go these Bundy’s you’re gonna live with us they’re gonna walk you to class they’re gonna walk you back from class gonna take you on field trips walk you back from field trips do not speak to them they’re in the Mafia do not look at them do not engage them do not interact with them I was like they’re gonna be my Gift Ideas best friends so the first night I grab a bottle of vodka and a six-pack of all to go which is her local beer and I planned a sentence I was gonna say stress musiah minyak salud Bert Oh Jim Brianna yeah Tabitha you coschka saying what speak Russian in here I love this someone says no I did a headcount earlier it doesn’t look like it I’ll tell you what the Senate says it’s a badass sentence I worked all day on it hello my name’s Bert it’s very nice to meet you I work pussy kind of it really means I work with cats I didn’t know the language what do you expect it doesn’t matter cuz second the Remote Start Sound Effect door opens and I’m to face with a real Russian gangster with the wife beater and the tattoos with the track pants and the cigarette and she just stares me up and down a frat boy from Florida State I was wearing a fanny pack he just looks at me and goes stole I panicked and everything I had planned on saying flooded out of my head and all I said to him Russian in his doorway was I am the machine and he started laughing he goes what did you say I was like out of the machine he grabs me to go who’s coming to tell my friends brings me in a roomful of nine Russian gangsters drinking smoke and just goes stop tell them what you said now I’m like on the machine they looked at each other looked at me and they’re like food and I became the Machine and these guys loved me yes you got to realize though the reason they is I went for shot with him that all night long until like 4:00 in the morning but all I knew how to say in their language was on the machine and I cats so we did everything together we like the guy they answered the door his name was Igor he was like my Birthday Quotes best friend we did everything together we ran a pool hall scam we stole a boat it was literally the best summer of my life and then one day the whole class is taking the trip to Moscow it’s an overnight New York train trip and I say to you I go this is gonna be a blast we gotta be in the same cabin and he goes I can’t go I said why not he goes different New York mafia runs train different mafia runs Moscow I said well hold on what’s that mean for me and he goes don’t worry I set up man DT I tell them about you they’ll take care of you sure enough we get to the train station and he introduces me to by two new gangsters Igor and he says to me goes guys this is the machine if you give the machine but you’ll have a great bigger the to Igor so say a kid on Christmas is like whoa I care what you play with the Machine he grabs me he goes the machine doesn’t sit in quotes the Machine sits in United Airlines first class with us I’m like that’s what I’m talking about we go to Baaki Sab first class it’s pimped out with booze food and here’s the real gangster part second the Train takes off out of the station everyone that works in the train comes in to pay their respects the conductor walked in rips off the Stars and Stripes to his shirt places them on my lap and goes this is a present for the Machine it would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with the Machine I’m 22 years old thinking oh these machine stories might have gotten out of control we drank all the booze in an hour and Biggie or stands up and goes machine we go to the bar cart to get more vodka I’m like it I’m in the mob I’ll do it over the I want we rolled at the bar car like a big dick in a locker room just not that I’ve ever been that guy but I’ve seen it to smack you know the look where everyone looks look oh shit okay whoa someone’s here okay all right Egor looks at me and in Russian he says machine go behind the bar and grab bread in Russian and I understood him for a second I’m like a I’m learning the language my way not through flashcards and textbooks but like joining the Mafia I get behind the bar like Igor I know what you sad he’s like go for your machine and the Machine find cheese I was like give me another one he’s like ground fog cows like I already know that one give you another one is they grab the money you’re like huh he goes grab the money and I realized at that instant we’re robbing the bar cart and I’m the one doing it hooked on phonics style I grab the money walk out to my classmate see me in there like you’re in so much trouble go back to our first-class cabin within five minutes the head chaperone of this Grand Canyon train trip not the whole trip just this train trim she was an English teacher who did not speak Russian who hated me before I robbed the train she comes over to our first-class cabin and swings the Warning Light door open without like liberal arts confidence just this shit is over you’re done stand up right now you stand up sit help you’re done stand up and big Igor looks at me confused then smiles takes a big sip of vodka spits it in our eyes and goes no one talks to the machine like that shuts an order facing us that bitch this is Russia don’t worry machine when it gets dark we have good time like what the are we doing when it gets dark reaches in his pocket pulls out a ring of keys and he goes we’re robbing the whole train I’m a good person I don’t see no I don’t you know this is why let me tell you I don’t see to my wife I don’t see to my wife because one morning our whole family was in bed dog’s cats the girls my wife and we were just giggling and it was pure it was perfect and I thought to myself I don’t ever want to screw up this most important thing this is what its life’s about and they got up to make chocolate chip pancakes and I laid in bed and said I will never cheat on my wife had a conversation with myself I said if I ever get into a situation where a hot girls flirting with me or I think she’s flirting with me and it seems like he could go further I’m just gonna block myself I’m just gonna look her in the face in front of everyone go now I may be wrong she may not be hitting on me she may throw a drink in my face slap me or I may be right I know that matters to me what matters to me is that I don’t cheat on my wife because I’ve already had that conversation here’s the problem I never had that conversation about robbing trains so when presented the opportunity I thought I’d be like not me I’m gonna go back and work on my verbs but apparently when presented the opportunity on the guy that’s like bucket let’s start with my class so we robbed them first while they slept if that makes it better and then we robbed the whole train it was any consolation they robbed me to my baggage with them and then we drank all night long all night like literally until 6:00 in the morning top five drunk ass I’ve ever been without throwing up in my entire life we pulling a Moscow at 6:00 a.m. I’m piss drunk you’re a bit so drunk you’re like know I gotta piss but I kept on my dick train stops Sun’s up unn hammered Liftmaster Garage Hp Printer door opens same teacher not mad curious right she looks me in the eyes smiling goes I want to be the one to tell you they’ve alerted the police and I look out and on the platform my whole class is standing over the cop talking they’re upset they’ve been robbed I got it apparently they’ve never heard snitches get stitches big igor sees this and it’s completely unfazed he’s like don’t worry I talked to police for both of us I was like oh thank god he cracks a bottle of vodka like I wouldn’t bring that out to an officer maybe lights a cigarette walks out to the cop who’s taking a statement the cop is taking a statement igor walks up behind and grabs him by the arm spins him around and goes we you in the mouth we shit now the cop is just staring at me and I hear him bark out poems it danced good yeah which I don’t even know what that means but it doesn’t sound like you’re okay stay there it is a come-to-jesus moment where know you up all I thought as I walked to the cop who’s standing in front of the class I just rocked next to the gangster I robbed them with my only thought was this isn’t how I plan on spending my second junior year and the Gulag taking hot dicks to the throat I get five steps in the cop who looks impatient as shit he takes too big a steps grabs me by the arm spins me away from my class away from he Gore pulls me right into his face and he goes so I understand you’re the Machine nice tonight you party with us I was like what who’s like tonight you party with us yes and I looked at him and I was like wait I’m not in trouble and he gets so close to me I can smell his morning cigarette he goes no that bitch this is Russia thank you so much thank you.