with your penis oh stop right now you San Francisco people you need to name your stuff properly I got in trouble cuz I came here and I want hey San Francisco there’s a lot of richness I want to go find the beaners so I look on the map right I see little Japan I go that’s not where we hang out that’s obviously little too bad that’s not trying to town that’s obviously with Chinese people here now I saw Russian healing with that’s where the Russians hang up I kept looking on the map or something beaner and then I went oh there’s where the beaners hang out obviously any right I was like where’s the beaner but you gotta see it you’re gonna laugh at it and anything wrong with that that’s where we go I saw some of the other day I thought was unbelievable know if you know this but they opened up in Burbank California a little Center for the wetbacks to hang out in front of Stainless Steel home depot all across the street in the rain it’s got a little kitchen in an office the wetbacks are spoiled right there hey why don’t you go outside I don’t have Tommy’s head the officers they got a little drive-through you show up they’re like what do you I need a three people to do my roofie welcome to horny be boxed in I need your places I need you guys to do tile to Mexicans get in the car will come to make our skin I hate you please yeah I need somebody to clean my porta potti oh you ain’t the guy from El Salvador there’s hierarchies you’re not just beater there’s levels like you white people there’s you white people then there’s what agents you know this is a vacation city and nobody knows more than you because if Chinese you’re on top if you’re reading nummies you’re pretty much the niggers of that community all the Chinese you Japanese and you bring all my Vietnamese lover your families like how you do it and if your Filipino you’re the beaner of the Asian community cuz you’re just like us you’re indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards that’s what you have names like Kwame then thought oh right we don’t have that we have stupid people that they don’t end up across the street long people guess what they said in the city of Burbank they got together and they’re our city and they’re like we need to get rid of because that is the reason that illegal aliens are coming over this country oh yeah that’s why they’re coming over this country because before they built that office wetbacks were in Tijuana going let’s go not until evil I know little stand in front of home before yours like that no we swarm with people well if we take it down they’re gonna stop coming no they’re not thank you dumbass it’s like the fence that leads across the Mexican American border why do we have a fence why don’t we just put a permanent line and that’s it this is the border my well because it’s supposed to stop illegals from coming into this country really well guess what no working Oh Craigs is not gonna work you think some guy that just been three weeks going through the jungles of Nicaragua Honduras El Salvador Belize Guatemala all the way through Mexico is gonna get to that you know what they said in California I saw it on c-span people we fought for here’s what they said I propose that we can’t call the illegal aliens part of this country then we build the Superfriends so they can’t get back in and I went who’s gonna build it it’s the wetbacks are gone there goes.
The workforce maybe what we should do is make them build the fence first they’re already near the border when they’re finished just go man this side looks perfect how does the other side I don’t know seeing some of the beaners didn’t want to laugh cuz wait the wetbacks are come on don’t worry they’ll come back so people I like teaching lessons this way instead of here you shouldn’t do that I say the opposite might be both please kick all the wetbacks out of this country please because I want to see what’s gonna happen tomorrow say you don’t get it you think black people are gonna go to the San Joaquin Valley and start picking when Peters are gone trust me black people in Oakland ain’t gonna be like man we gonna move to the right people are gonna find themselves in Fresno picking fruits going you don’t know what you’re doing Carlos shut up I was in Mexico I see how these people operate they’re not stupid did you know that in Cabo San Lucas there is actually a home depot I swear to God I was like there’s a Water Heater home depot here and then I went inside the home people but there was nothing inside completely empty it was just the facade and then I looked outside and there were Mexican standing out front but there was nothing in telling but they were all tied and then I realized it’s a training facility and see here’s the thing about racial issues that bothers me when you give me the negative or not the positive or you tell me that I’m this and then you pretend that I’m not but when I say home people everybody in this room thinks one thing Peter we all think Peter got hanging out in front of Gift Card home depot and I don’t have a problem with that you know where I have a problem with when I turn on NASCAR and the dude driving a Home Depot car is white that pisses me off white people that’s our car bitch white people should be driving a car sponsored by saltines see the smart people laugh look at his stupid people I don’t mean in plain white saltines Carlo Salty’s or what see some you didn’t get it oh sorry now you know what I hate stupid people cuz they slow the it’s like we’re on a comedy bus going 90 miles an hour why do you gotta inject like racing a lot of your jokes Carlos because race makes things funny a black guy driving NASCAR not funny a black guy driving a car sponsored by ty not funny a black guy driving a car sponsored by aunt jemima hilarious a black guy driving a car’s watcher by Church’s Chicken I don’t care what say you will be laughing your ass hop and the funny thing is that the white people in here want to laugh but you’re like I see opportunity that’s what see I want to beat her in NASCAR I called them up said I want to be an owner of a team they said you need a driver and a sponsor said I got a driver his name is Julio they said what’s his last name why he didn’t want to tell me and I don’t want to push this I’m gonna have a car sponsored by split and smack my car’s gonna be badass when my car.
Pulls him in the pit my crew is gonna jump out of the car hey where the hell did they come from we’re gonna be using other people’s.
Equipments to stay within the lines in my car’s gonna drive halfway across the other line hey man that is a line that you are supposed to respect yeah we’re supposed to respect the border too much I’m still here we gotta pretend we got a don’t say stuff that’s like that cuz it’s a little too on the edge Carlos so what does that mean you know people’s feelings are gonna get hurt I don’t care soldier tonight is dying so that we could have freedom of speech in this even a goofy and they don’t want to talk about what they feel anymore those are so scared we’re so scared what are people gonna say about me so I’m gonna be politically correct like the Minutemen you’ve heard those guys though we’re here to make city more to protect in our country because terrorists might cross that border and we need to make sure that that’s gonna not occur really well then I don’t believe you I think you just don’t want weapons in your country and I would respect you more if you just said it it’s not about that it’s about security really you love this country so much you want to secure its border from terrorists yes sir then you need to leave the San Diego mexican border and go to Canada because that’s where the nineteen hijackers cross you piece of let the Mexicans put y’all the porter and I know you’re like what are you talking about Carlos look at me do you want to know who doesn’t want Los Angeles middle eastern terrorists across that border wetback south of the border because soon as one guy crosses that border and blow something up in this country you know what’s gonna happen we will close that border down through the military and nobody will ever cross and you know who knows that Mexicans in Mexico they know that that’s why in recent months five groups of illegal aliens of Grocery Store middle eastern descent have tried to cross the San Antonio mexican border and they all got caught you know how they got caught soon as they cross border the whip max went up to immigration and went 18 units and Yoda they must meet this managed look at where we are now scared don’t say that why you do that why people telling jokes behind our backs cuz you are afraid that I’m not gonna get it no you till it to my face I don’t like this new age white man that because you don’t have the balls to say what feel you want me not to say what feel I don’t I like the old white man he had a plan he had something in mind he had this in mind he knew but understood he used to say things like you gotta break the night to make an omelet yeah today it’s like you got to break an egg to make an omelet not if you use egg I like the old white man he learned about limits walk there were people already here a pilgrim went up to the captain and send me Lord these people already here we cannot create a society upon which one already exists we must return back home to England and he said shut up we’ll kill him take their and call it Thanksgiving that’s what you did why people you killed all the Indians and then when they died you went oh my god there goes to help what are we gonna do now who’s gonna do all the work we don’t want to do the white man never fleets come here build some boats go get sea look at the white people no that’s not what happened no we invited black people on the cruise and it didn’t work this is wrong man you know why I like the old white man because he wasn’t racist he was racial white people have killed white people in this country once when we fought against England and twice when we fought against ourselves that’s how I love that white man he was awesome he knew one day we got to change things that’s what happened North went to the South and said hey man all men are created equal is a fundamental building block of what this country is all about just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s not a man you must let him free you must allow that man to be free and the race is whoop bitch you wanna take that for me he’ll know you want my nigger to go free you’re gonna have to shoot me but right now I do jokes about Native Americans and people go don’t do jokes about those people Carlos cuz everybody pretends they care about everybody does we care Carlos nobody there’s a person in this room or watching this show right now that is buying a house because you want to give it to an Indian because you feel sorry for them because you took their land not one of but you pretend I’m sure there’s some Indians in here right now don’t come up to me later crying talk about they took our land yeah should have fought smarter you gotta go and hold on no one to fold the baby you know for the smart one Mexico father SmartWater the mexican-american war is that block why cuz Indians they just for too long white people win hey bitch Indians were like we can take up mixing is thought they could kick white ass – West Virginia talking smack these things mean you’re right man you will go down you will go down and be thrown on my bullets you will know what it is to begin by a magic hand and then white people will want you little brown bitch no he’s getting it we were late for Pope no okay white man is over you can keep believing you can keep it we living no you can get really big and then a little Mexican kids a puppy where are we going they’re gonna build a whole people then.
We come back and the one in Burbank is gonna come and that’s what did they left the country and they when it stood by the border and one of them said okay we’re gonna have to stay here until I see the sign when I see the sign I go like this everybody goes see some of your lovin and go home whatever dude there’s no sign the other was and the white man knew that sign would come and he was prepared for it was in the mid-sixties check the Mexican migration in the United States began largely in the mid-60s what happened in the mid-60s I’ll tell you what happened black people looked at white people listen man I’m tired of you treating me the way you do man you make a brother go run fast and bring back gold medals for this country then you treat me like a second-class well it ain’t happening no more in the advantage is over we ain’t going to the back of the bus being drinking out of no water fountain do you understand me I will be going to school with your daughter and when she finds out how big my penis is she and my black people will never ever go out on the field and pick for you white ass no more the white man never even flinched you don’t have to.
We’re not those people no don’t say that.
What do you don’t do that this guy comes up to me the other day so joke was a man you should kind of chill on the military stuff so what you know they’re crazy Carlos shut up you need to be a real American and read your history know who you are and don’t be ashamed then this will least drink I overheard he goes eh you should listen to him I said what I’m talking to you but I’m just saying well I’m just saying you want to scare me you don’t know who I am I’m not white I don’t apologize for what my country did to become great you understand that I know what it’s done and you don’t know me oh no my people are crazy that’s a bitch your people and crazy you don’t know what crazy is white people are crazy so you put a rest assure that if you don’t kill you won’t get it you understand me and then you got pissed off anyway no I don’t get it you better remember we blew up two of your buildings whoo and we blew up two of your countries you wanna play this see a clip doctor when he blew us up the blacks and the Hispanics and the white people would fight but look at me were united we just fight with each other cuz we got none better doing we like drama but soon as I met blew something up it was like Blackie turkey cracker wonder twin powers you don’t know me he goes we have killed thousands of people I’m like bitch we’ve killed millions so you better relax before we shoot you up and open up a scene Oh Angela you’re gonna be saying things like double down who know double down because my people are looking for an World War atomic bomb and when we get it we just might use it ooh you looking for an War 2 atomic bomb and you might use it look at me you dumb ignorant piece of my people do have those bombs that you seek and guess what bitch we already used it twice and if you don’t believe me call Japan they’ll connect you with a man with three penises and five balls that’s how we play the game we talk two months Nagasaki and.
Hiroshima and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay do you know why because we wanted them to know that they were about to get owned and he asked dude I’m afraid to pee I want to cut off your balls at Midlands or some and tell them hey terrorist person you want I’m terrified would you do Carlos aren’t you afraid to fly no I’m not the only reason they took those planes in the first place because we were taught in this country to be pussies remember that if anybody tries to hijack a plane just do what they tell you that’s what happened with the first three planes remember the fourth one what happened there you want to be safe.
Southwest think we’ll never hijack that airline there’s no people to fly that our little they’re the kind of people that you go can I sit next you know I’m gonna go to the back sorry I didn’t mean to bother you did there’s a difference between people fly that airline and people to fly others here’s the difference on one of the other airlines not too long ago a man with c4 plastic explosive in his shoe was trying to ignite it he was trying to kill everyone on the plane they saw him they beat his ass they subdued him the 35 Years plane landed the doors opened up the cops came in and they took him to jail that’s what happens on normal Airlines with normal people let me tell you what happens on Southwest before 9/11 understand that 3 9/11 a plane was better in the guy yells out I’m going to open the Surveillance System cockpit door started running toward the front of the plane they beat his ass too they subdued him too the Hudson River plane landed the doors open up the cops came in he was dead that’s difference the cops came in and they were like I don’t know what happened he was in the back Daniel Bryan talking smack he ran to me from he bleep and then she turn blue Julio you’re gonna incriminate us all to mass let me talk to the police I know how to communicate with these people I’ve been on cops let me tell you what happened officer I’ll tell you exactly what happened I will tell you see this guy was in the back of the plane talk about I’m gonna open the Locking System cockpit door this beater don’t understand what completely underneath to see the front Ian means he’s bad was slightly protruding into that setback was tripped upon by the man running towards the front of the plane he fell and landed on that black man shoe that would explain a footprint on his neck and then he turned you know he’ll we tried to give him the Heineken moon over but see there’s more people looking at stupid people but what do we spend money on things we don’t need to air marshals we spend millions of dollars on air marshals why we don’t need our marshals with guns who might shoot somebody in the middle of a flight bullet doesn’t hit him and then the depressurisation is gonna occur in a cabins gonna fall apart that’s not what we need what we need to do is let the people that Southwest fly other airlines that’s all we need to do see here’s what I would do I live in our land I would go to sell for side lines and go hey the black guy a white guy in the beaner come here yeah I know where you’re going we’re just gonna put you on another airline that’s it and I’ll commit look at me I dare you I dare you to hijack a plane in Los Angeles and tell a black guy that you ain’t gonna Landon okay but we’re scared and we don’t think anymore we don’t even think we just react because people tell us terrorism hi you might get hijacked man terrorism hi I’m Micha haja that’s what we do you know how you know that it’s in you try to cross a one-way street without looking both ways and you’ll see because they told you as a kid look both ways and half way through the street your brain starts going hey maybe you should look at the other and the smart part of your brain goes but stupid ass the traffic’s coming from that direction then the other side so I thought what if somebody’s crazy and they’re coming from the other side my mother is still mad at who won the 33 Days pope died she calls me up on the Prison Break pope died meanwhile we have go to church and pray for him like her mom it’s the Pope really we don’t need to pray for him it’s cold just stay home no mijo he needs our help I’m like mom you’re Catholic you believe that the Pope is the holiest person on earth you believe that he actually talks to God well he does well if that’s true panda huh he’s in heaven he doesn’t need your help if the Pope needs help getting into heaven you and I do you understand there what is Willard for reset the pearly gates gone what’s a bitch gotta do make it in this place we’re gonna pray for the Pope no break.
For me when I die you light every candle you have in your house I’m gonna be in hell getting boned by the devil why don’t you tell me the joke about the Pope that’s why you’re here let’s wait further pull Carlos yeah let’s raise money for Bill Gates to the poopies in heaven finally getting some good hustle yeah no can’t go with you on down Carlos and you know one of you can’t go with me on that one because you’re not thinking all you heard it was that’s all heard you didn’t hear what I was talking about did you I’m talking about the Pope 80 something years and he never had sex 80 something years he gave acara pleasures 80 something years life of servitude toward the Lord so that you and I could see what that is like and now that this poor man has given up all of that and he’s dead and in heaven you selfish bastards want the poor guy to still not get laid how dare you I bring it from jail so he can.
Them dirty cuz he shouldn’t be born Angels in the ass that is not nice and I do not condone that behavior poor angels are gonna be flying all crooked and what’s the matter he put it in my culo no the devil all right I might have gone a little too far on Alice okay the guy over here Bowie you need to.
Know your religion baby I know mine when I make mistakes all I have to do is it Christian of Catholic faith is and guess what I’m forgiven like an etch-a-sketch ever happened for the young people that would be control-alt-delete cuz some you’re like what the mention can’t why is he sneaking a microphone well we don’t think we don’t think we just go our Father that art in heaven he’s not about that well yeah it’s like he’s our Father is he your mother maybe well why would you say mother Carlos well because that’s what religion does today it takes women out of the equation that’s why most of the books that we pray to are written by men like Mohammed Peter Luke Paul and Ringo I think wrote one too some of you get it some of you we will not link God’s a man I want God to be a man but I’ve seen the world is too beautiful to be created by a man and if you don’t believe me what you need to do is go to get some snorkeling goggles and go in the water and see the beautiful yellow fish with a black stripe and the black fish with a yellow stripe and the red fish with an orange stripe and the orange fish with a fuchsia stripe and then you look at that and you know men would never create all those colors God is a woman if God was a man the polar icecap would have God written in yellow on the top see the guy over there he said it’s not true why would you say that how do you know how you know cuz you want to believe it because you’re a selfish prick who wants God to look like you that’s right but no sir yeah she is you know how I know cuz no.
Matter what you do in your lifetime you will never ever be as close to humanity and children as your wife will no matter what you do it doesn’t matter what do you don’t believe me I’ll give you story a man is praying please God give me a kid and I want him to be a strong boy and God gives him a boy God says here you go and that little boy is born and that man holds that little boy in his hands until he can stand and then he shows him how to walk he gives him a football and he shows him how to pass it he shows him every day how to pass that football huh three-step five six seven step drop he shows him how to throw the bomb how to throw the out how to throw the hook gotta throw the corner he shows this little kid everything that he needs to know about how to be a great quarterback he even moves from one city to the other so that kid could be in a better high school then that kid goes to college and that man is still every single game that dad is right there and he’s in college getting better he wins Heisman Trophy he ends up in the NFL five years later he ends up in the Superbowl they win the he gets the MVP of the Super Bowl and when the cameras come up to him and say you got anything say to the camera I love mom you must think my friend don’t you stalk.
Think we just do cuz I church the other day and our priest was like we’re gonna watch The Passion of Christ so wound up to our Father can I go home I really don’t need to watch a pastor to Christ there’s it’s cool right and he said well I was actually looking you know for you to be somewhat of an example I was like what dude Christian know why I’m a Christian I need to sit down and watch some actors in fake blood to know why I come to church sometimes and he’s like please help out Carlos so fine I helped out right I’m sitting down and then these two ladies are pissed at me because I’m not crying and they’re pissed at me and then they go excuse me why aren’t you crying sir I’m like because I read the book bitch keep bothering me and I’m gonna ruin the ending think she goes I feel sorry for you are not touched by Latter Day jesus christ and I got pissed I said look at me look at just because I don’t want to watch this movie with the enthusiasm that you do because you don’t know the story don’t you ever say anything ignorant like that to me again I am NOT touched by Day Saints jesus christ listen to me I am a beaner which means a long time ago I used pray to moon Stars earth air Sun the water fire and you showed up for the Bible and permission from God through the Pope and the Vatican to kill wool savages unquote they did not believe in your Bible and message not only did you kill my people not only did you eradicate my people killed my culture and date my gold but my people are the only people that name their kids the voice of Jesus he yell that stupid lady but it wasn’t a soos it was my guess who’s from the back I thought it was the real Jesus too but it was just my cousin I was like Chuy I’m stupid when Jesus died at my movie theater everybody started crying how do you how do you die and cry i’ma get it people I was like why are you crying because Jesus died yeah but we’re Christians this is a happy day not a sad day you see if Jesus doesn’t die we wouldn’t be singing the songs that we sing for Christmas or what would be singing we’d be singing oh Hanukkah that’s what witnessing is stupid see how some your land I don’t get it how stupid can you be everybody’s crying I so I’m like hey he comes back he comes this movie has a happy ending by the way what do eggs have to do with Brand New jesus christ I understand Christmas three wise men show up with a gift I love you symbolism I love you here’s a gift symbolism I get that how did the egg thing happen did somebody walk up to somebody else and go hey did you hear Jesus rose from the dead we got a treat Jesus we next week you’re purple put him in the park trip Jesus tell everybody to spread the word from now on eggs come from rabbits why so he doesn’t take the chickens to pander and some of you are left and good for you some of you are afraid to laugh I’m there too Carlo I’m scared don’t be scared God wants you to laugh God has a sense of humor and if you don’t believe me tomorrow go to Walmart get some of you are laughing what are you afraid they’re gonna run in here and kick you in the shin West replacement what the midget is gonna be on Market Street later on but see we were afraid to speak like that in our world cuz we’re afraid people are not gonna let me know it’s about being real it’s about listen I’ll give you a story the other day okay I was doing this DVD joke right you know what they did he it means stupid this lady gets all pissed at excuse me sir what if there was somebody severely retarded in the crowd right now I’m like well he’s severely retarded lady obviously he wouldn’t know him he’d probably be happy thinking I’m doing impressions of his friends from school mom he looks like Eric from Castro you need to put on your helmet I was at Six Flags Magic Mountain waiting four and a Military Time half hours to get on the ride called the Riddler four and a Comedy Central half hours finally I was in the group that was gonna get on but then the guy goes hold on sir and that’s like the saddest thing but then I looked when everybody sat down there was one seat in the back and I know that it was mine so I was cool right he’s gonna say one I’m gonna save me booth that’s me so then he walks toward me right and I’m like dude I’m right here dude I’m right here but then he doesn’t make eye contact he just kind of walks toward me and then he walks toward my right and then he opens up this little swinging door and then a dude in a wheelchair starts getting rolled up and then I realized that they’re gonna put him in my I’ve been standing up you’re sitting down why do you go to a room then people started looking at me funny like some of you right now I ain’t like if you ask for equality I’ll give it to if you tell me that you don’t want equality I’ll give you that too but don’t do both and mix them up it’s like you women that’s what you what do you come out on the news say we want to be treated like equals in the workplace no don’t you want to be treated like a woman in the workplace and you want to get paid like an equal that’s what you because when men treat you like equals what are doing you send us the sensitivity training pitch that’s what you do when we you can’t tell the same stories to the girls at work that you tell to the guys you could tell Kai’s about the BJ you got on the weekend you tell the same story to Monica two days later you’re somewhere in the classroom writing this when I speak to Jennifer I will no longer say the word vagina see what I mean bitches because that’s what people tell you no.
Natalie Portman strings attached no Period Mix strings attached and you believe that there are always 99 Problems strings attached and that’s why it pisses me off you don’t want any strength didn’t tell me but that’s not how it works he wants go to the front I say no I say you want to be equal to me then roll your ass to the back of the line bitch you can wait for four hours that’s what I want to see I want to see you right behind me like this.
So then people like some of you that.
Didn’t clap right now are looking at me like man it’s not cool Carlos I don’t care what you think cool is I don’t care I terran what is right and righteous that’s what I care about I said listen you want to be treated like an equal I’ll give you that you’d want to be treated like special I’ll give you that to remember like when you went to the DMV and you said I’m disabled and they said oh here’s your disabled placard that’s the same thing you want to be my rolled to the back you want to cut in front of me then you must admit that you’re disabled you must tell everybody here that I am better than you that I am faster stronger and more intelligent and because am I should let you get on that right before me and acquiesce to your desire as a lesser being than I and he looked at me and he went No and he tried to kick me out but I pulled.
The beaner card and they could like you need to leave why is it because I’m a beaner oh just get on the plane right and everything would have been cool except for where I was standing I could only see one seat when I got closer they were actually – yeah exactly guess why I had to sit next to the whole ride all I hear is what the hell I thought there was only one seat left then he’s like aren’t you going apologize to me and I said no because I didn’t do anything wrong I was right in the way I approached it though the outcome became this and he looked at me and he said you are the coolest worst thing that I have ever met because those people think your thing but they don’t see me they see a wheel chair but not you didn’t see the wheelchair you just saw that I was trying to take advantage of learning that’s what I was trying but you get it have to kick me in the chest bitch yeah and you could have put your brakes you didn’t have to roll down the hill on through and it would have been a great story except we were on the Riddler a suspended roller coaster you know what those are the one where the track is up here the bars go across the seats come down they put you on a harness bicycle seat and your legs just kind of dangle which isn’t a problem unless you’re sitting next okay who can’t control his legs we hit the first time in a face we’re beating the crap wannabe trouble the whole run we get to the end and he’s like you want to get on it again like hell yeah but I waited for two hours he looks at me and goes don’t worry bitch you with me I got on every ride like five times that straight to the front no lines guess who I was with tell everybody so my friend who’s not my.
Friend calls empty other day from the hospital Carlos we’re doing a little loose oh so avoid my friends who you come over and either hosts hell yeah a little show for some of your friends we’re probably gonna do it in somebody’s room just have some fun and goof off I love it you guys have Stem Cell cerebral palsy you don’t I mean Life Expectancy cerebral palsy a lot of people think that’s retarded it’s not that it’s a neurological disorder up here they get all the jobs you know sometimes they laugh at the wrong time you know what I mean cuz that’s what it is they go laughs and there’s nothing and then two seconds later yeah dude why you laughing at the wrong place so i’ma go do show for them this is awesome they’re my boys what nobody told me was this is a giant event a huge event this was a hospital that had like 5,000 disabled people my dumbass shows up late they open the I come out and it’s like a sea of trekkers just like this a dude in the race braids right in the front row just yeah Darth Vader in the front row I don’t know what a voice box is but there’s a guy in the back with one and every time I tell a joke I keep hearing this are telling me your mother’s.
batteries but I’m not doing internet jokes not doing any of those my friend Benji yells up from the back twenty minutes into the show it’s not the same when they’re staring right at you what if one impressions not that good they what if my impression sucks.
They would know what if it’s good that might piss them off huh think about it what if I go and they’re like are you making fun of bitch they’ll be chasing me come back so like I’m not gonna do that joke then the kids with Physical Therapy cerebral palsy right well they were there’s like you know a kid and then like everybody else looked like a dog but the guys are Occupational Therapy cerebral palsy they start going you won’t do did you teach of Europe Ruthie then I just can’t called out by opinion and they looked at me and they one key to choke spot every other race and culture but you won’t do those jokes in front of 100 and I had no comeback for that because he was right yeah I got a black joke that I can’t tell in Oakland I should not tell that joke to anyone at all if I got a white joke that I can’t tell if I got a gay joke that I can’t tell here I should never tell that joke to anyone at all and he was right if you got a joke and you can’t tell it and for the people that it talks about then you have no right to tell that joke anywhere else yes bring it and I saw that but don’t get excited I was still scared because there were a lot of typos in the room I didn’t go full-on impression no sir I asked them is this okay well I didn’t ask them but instead of doing the impression I went like this and I went her and they went and they laughed just a little bit so then I went deeper it was a little more and the more I got the worse they got so it started off with and it ended with everybody’s live from their ass up they.
All start pointing at this kid named going Tommy Carlos looks just like you Tommy gets up for his wheelchair and goes and everybody shut up guy in the respirator was like my boy in the back I’m on stage I’m going to help I’m gonna help this kid starts just ranting funny no don’t ever say that to me again never know I don’t look Mexican which this meal you rather look retarded.
Than Mexican and then you go to Cara got your bitch and see how fun it feels to laughing cuz you’re supposed to know invisibility in my show you are part of it because you are part of the human race but people don’t tell you that don’t you jokes but I really kill people cuz that’s mean let me tell you what’s mean the fact that there is handicap why is there New York cerebral palsy and cystic fibrosis and muscular dystrophy why I can’t tell you that but until then I’m gonna laugh with and at everyone and listen I think you should too don’t let people make you feel guilty everybody in this room should laugh handicap jokes hell you know what you should’ve not only laugh at them you should go home look in the mirror and practice your impression yes you should because everybody in this room has used the handicap stall every single one of you what are you gonna do when your dick and a comfortable crap in that big ass room and then hear you better coming out looking so trifle anything he’s like what the hell is wrong with you you’re so messed up I’m gonna use the regular stuff you make me feel I was in one of those stars in the sky not the one who’s in there and I came out doing my best depression he felt so bad that he went hey dude I was only kidding and I was like oh my god me too that’s me being honest you know I’ll get emails about how incensed you have I am but I’ll also get other emails from kids that understand what I’m saying for people with disabilities that get it and go thank you for making me not invisible but see everybody else or so scared what are people gonna say well I have to be like everyone else I have to know you don’t what you have to do is be honest with who you are find that thing inside of you that is you and be that don’t lie and don’t perpetrate I am sick and tired of ugly bitches wandering shirts that say cutie I will walk right up to you give me that.
That is false advertising you can’t be a cutie when your face is on strong claw did you take care of doc oh but everybody wants to be somebody else everybody wants to be somebody else with it they can love me so take me no like I said that I think God is a woman that’s nice on my behalf what are you doing turn perpetrate you walk around talk about you don’t need a man what is that all about I never said I’m better than why you got to do that to me whoa Carlos we don’t need men anymore yes you do okay yes you do because you’re a woman and I’m a man and some of the women here like we don’t need yes you do bitch you need me in order to have a baby because if you rub two women’s bodies together all night you know what you’re gonna get you.
Why are you women always trying to change a man why don’t you pluck your eyebrows cuz I don’t suck dick can’t even pick your nose why are you picking your nose cuz I got boogers you have a problem with that where are you gonna put them on the side of the seat where I put all the other ones it’s like a game that get crunchy then you flick them off yes every man in this room parts every man in this room has been in a fart contest every single man in this room has crapped his pants there is not a man in here that has not done that sometimes we don’t even know when it happened oh my god but see I admit what I do see you women men are no we’re not you think gross we’re not gross yet you are it’s just that what you do that is gross to us you don’t think he’s gross so let me enlighten you ladies on one of the gross things that you should never ever do I don’t care how long you’ve been with a man I don’t care if you’ve been married for 80 years it is never okay to use the toilet with the door open it is never ever okay you shut the door I don’t want to know what you’re doing in there I don’t never want to know that anything comes out of there ever well how come cuz sometimes I eat at that restaurant bitch I am NOT like some of you guys.
Metrosexual plucking your eyebrows get your gay ass out of my face I’m a man and I do not excuse myself for it when I sweat my nuts get sticky and when they do you gotta get in there and Mitch that’s not real man and you are the best.