Bein in five minutes.
Danny let’s begin ladies and gentlemen.
I deserve that I’m really good and one of the best that’s yet events it’s currently ranked number one in the world so buckle up you guys are in for a treat 19,000 people this is awesome thank you don’t look around it’s 19,000 people watching a TV they never know they’re so stupid that’s why they watch TV oh it’s great to be here in the OC diversity that’s what I like about the OC you know between upper middle and upper my people Oh is there anything more annoying than the poor always complaining oh I can’t afford a two-bedroom townhouse for $600,000 we’re good move east yeah that’s what the middle of the country is for people that gave up on their dreams that’s gonna sting isn’t it tourists all right how much longer do I have holy cow that opening did not take long enough we’ve got another 55 minutes I tell you how long men on stage I think that’s nice I don’t have to you ever been in church like hey when’s this far car gonna wrap it up we got kickoff why does God hate football season I wish he would arrest it on a Wednesday it’s so hard to be a Christian in the West Coast time zone I probably shouldn’t talk about church.
And say in the same sentence or on Comedy Central I they don’t want me to swear but uh I love to swear and I don’t know that I’m not allowed to swear right what if I die get up to heaven and God’s like hey man welcome to heaven I’m like what did you say he’s like welcome to heaven like you can swear it’s heaven Oh see I was always raised as a child never to swear that we’re in the Bible so say you can’t swear no way he’s like yeah now you’re getting it by the West on some slutty bitches by the pearly gates we gonna tap that Bank it man what he’s like no I’m kidding you’re not in heaven you’re in hell you’re on pond damn you Ashton that one was elaborate way to go the extra mile even in the afterlife you’re a douchebag hope you enjoyed charity banging that geriatric for eternity am I right it’s so gross oh hope I get famous in my early 20s so I can settle down and marry some middle-aged 40 year old with a bunch of kids that’ll throw the scent off the gay trail I guess it has I guess it has women like that Demi married a younger man because guys do it all the time and no one gives him grief for it but if a woman does it becomes an issue okay but the flip side of that is how about when a hot female teacher bangs a fourteen-year-old student and nobody in society really has a problem with it they all said the same stupid joke probably made the kid more popular that’s disgusting she’s a pedophile she should be imprisoned forever I did it a teacher in San Antonio high school yeah it didn’t make me cooler a lot of you like that’s because you were homeschooled okay valid doesn’t mean I’m a bad person it just means statistically I’m smarter than you and I had game a leopard can carry two times his body weight into a tree I don’t have a joke for that yet but it is accurate and just in case you hate my stand-up at least you can leave gone you know what I learned something that guy’s like a damn Snapple right you might not like the flavor but once you pop the top you know the Sun is hot 45 million degrees Fahrenheit it feels warmer Tahoe’s west of LA bullshit Snapple then I saw the globe and like I’m sorry Snapple you are always right got a seal up the bores in this country that’s for sure oh yeah I’m not talking about Mexico either I love Mexico Oh beautiful beaches and $50 never bought me so much weed sure there were branches in it I don’t care at a garbage bag I was king I’m talking about Canada stay in your own yard I’m so sick of these Canadians down you’re always complaining right it’s nice here but I couldn’t live here I love seasons too much I love season so do I that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones because I love seasons don’t you ice skate your ass back up to your log cabin and enjoy that 10-month dead period where you get to stay inside after day and eventually you have to stab your wife that just so you can see some color oh that’s my favorite season where your wife is lying dead on the floor those Reds am I right it’s like Maine we should get Lobster I don’t think I could ever stab somebody because I’m really bad with the and other reasons that even fewer would laugh at okay no this is my water this is gonna be exciting I wish it didn’t have that many rotations to take the lid off had I known that I would have pre screwed at two turns mmm sometimes I feel bad because secretly I hope New Orleans gets nailed again but then I don’t well you’d rather spend billions rebuilding the city that’s below sea level I’ve got another business plan cut our losses and finish the job Lord I’m sorry said one guy yeah that’s like you know what I came to a comedy club I hope there’s jokes and sarcasm the rest you are I’m a half-full guy New Orleans gets flooded I say to myself if any city in this country needed a bath it was New Orleans that Cajuns are dirty that’s a fact that’s French and redneck merging that’s a hygiene combination no antiperspirant can tackle and I’m not somebody that.
Doesn’t understand why you would oh we had a horrible tragic country that’s not bad enough what’s right around the corner to make everything worse blatant racism and it was obvious in New Orleans we all know wasn’t just black people looting that’s for sure there were tons of Mexicans there were and nobody was pointing the finger will I see a Jose drop VCR the hell are you stealing a VCR for anyway they don’t even make VHS tapes why don’t you steal a TiVo that’s what I would steal but I don’t have to because I’m white and have had one for three years that’s not racial that’s a fact I’ve almost had one for four years I’m not gonna say that how does that make the joke better I’ve had a TV over for years they’re like who’s the dick so I say three years to soften it wherever you live there’s risk anything we accept that we live here Oh California we have earthquakes mudslides the rest of the country thinks it’s hysterical Bay ha that’s what you guys get for building your houses on the side of cliffs that’s because we have shit to look at Tulsa yeah once you keep your mouth shut and enjoy that new strip mall oh I hear they’re gonna put a Chili’s in it that’s gonna be super sweet on Thursdays they’re doing two phone appetizers I’m gonna go pizza popper you get spinach artichoke dip I want to get chicken fingers you’re gonna chicken Caesar salad it’s a different kind of a joke was long and worth it do you know who loves to get fisted sock puppets ah that joke is adorable I wrote that joke so children could watch my show on TV and not be embarrassed in front of their parents I was watching the country music channel the other day and I fell asleep and I woke up racist oh that explains the holes in my Linens I saw a guy driving on the highway with his bare foot out the window can we agree that that’s disgusting right so I was gonna pull him next him to scream and then I realized there’s an amputee making a left I know but I’d already started to yell something Oh your blinkers out and he waved her kids received the information if anybody ever asked you for directions we have to point with four fingers the look on their face would be the funniest thing you saw all day long oh yeah it’s over there are you yelling at me no they just go that way take a left that’s how you get there well then you should have asked my girlfriend is Korean for this joke and we met online and people make jokes about it but that’s not how he Bay works you research wait for one without a none of this buy it now I don’t have a uh-huh she got so mad she hated that always corrected her and I tell her how do you think it made me feel no when I was dating someone that was always wrong and I’m in show business oh she would get so jealous when I cheated on her and I would tell her maybe if you had a better body I wouldn’t have to instead of Owen why don’t you get on a treadmill put on eight with an incline because I’m not gonna stick around with back fat and she’s like I’m not fat pregnant I’m like whatever it’s gross now make me a then I’d give her a kidney shot not a hard one just say you know I love honey turkey Wow oh he likes Turkey I need more iron in my diet that’s a bruised joke good boy oh you punched your pretty girlfriend she wasn’t pregnant she’s pro-choice does that make you uncomfortable move to Sioux Falls south dakota here they’re taking rights you know Rapid City south dakota is the first state in our country to make abortion completely illegal and it doesn’t affect me because good luck finding someone in Black Hills south dakota that I’d have sex with have you seen them there is no talent on that team that’s a triple-a Club at best and if you’re not pro-choice all that means you’ve never slept the stripper in Kansas City because that’s a phone call no man wants guess who’s gonna be joining us for breakfast cinnamon jr. not if my $700 has anything to say about it I’m gonna clean it out I know but he had a really bad dad I’m reading the crowd one more abortion joke you got it all right I could tell I could tell I do this for a living have you heard about this morning after pill or as I like to call it breakfast in bed that a few women have taken it and died a few days later Oh talk about two birds oh yeah looks like I will be going to the game this weekend fellas drinks are on me I had a great week pokers a sport then put it in the Olympics and you can only play with what your country’s worth how great would that be and Americans looks like Costa Rica’s all in with 15 coconuts we’re gonna call hasta luego small blind shouldn’t limped go cry about your bad beat to Nicaragua they got guns do you guys even give when my shows about huh dude I’m talking about bringing the Obama Bring troops home that’s the message it’s not obvious but it’s there bring the Obama Bringing troops home tomorrow and continue the war here because we owe it to our troops that I’m sleeping their own beds with their families wake up in the morning have a delicious breakfast drive to war we can have it in Nebraska we don’t need that horrible state that can be our field some of you know it’s not nice then we wouldn’t have any corn my SUV doesn’t run on corn ethanol is a dream in a dumb one and let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska have you ever wondered why there’s storm chasers an hour in Omaha I’m looking for a tornado to take me anyplace get me the hell out of there oh no wonder they’re all fat it’s almost stay on the ground and yes I do that joke in Omaha and I stare at them while I’m saying it and I’m sure they’d love to scream at me but they can because they’re too busy and fried mayonnaise ball I’ll get to you later boy these are delicious server another bucket quickly I thought my block moving parade or fireworks which do you go to fireworks of course I only have a joke for The Moron they yells parade now I would go to a parade I’m here alone because I make horrible decisions I don’t even know what a parades finish do you like oh is that it can we go I’d like to wash the gay off and it’s sticky fireworks you know when they’re finished the finale it’s pretty parades could learn a thing or two they need a finale my recommendation one more lap 60 times the speed bands are full sprint floats going 80 midgets falling off because they have little fingers they can’t hold on right so kids are catching a mom can we keep them I don’t see why they’re not real they’re not they can’t even vote in our country okay they can vote but they have no clue who they picked they’re jumping up rapid levers and that’s the story of how President Bush won the election yes I did that’s Joe kind of happy ending mmm I was like bless you they say bless you because they used to believe evil spirits burn your soul so whenever I have to sneeze I encourage my friends to be I can get out of him get out of him you ever have to sneeze and you can’t sneeze and that the worst feeling doing it means an angel in heaven faked an orgasm it’s true I read that in Revelations or had a messed-up dream either way it was hard to believe my jeans faded your jeans with holes in them yet they’re not this old that’s how we bought them that’s ridiculous I say give them brand new to the hormones let them age it then take it back wash sell it that way we can clothe the homeless but we can still look down on them because they’re not in style we need classes know your role don’t you love that one money doesn’t buy happiness do you live in America because it buys a waverunner you ever seen a sad person on the wave runner have you seriously have you seriously try to frown on a waverunner.
They’re so awesome it’s just throttle people smile as they hit the pier because forget you need gas to turn it goes to get your natural instincts some of you aren’t laughing we all miss your cousin but not laughing it’s not gonna bring him back I don’t think that’s right he’s dead for a reason he was a show-off and he tried to spray us I didn’t want to get wet I yelled at his mother at the funeral do you like how I start jokes with mass appeal and continue to only six people have a clue what I’m talking about that’s not a good style that doesn’t make you famous of course money buys happiness you ever seen a homeless person skip the answer that riddles no they’re not allowed I once saw a homeless person start to skip bottle hit him right in the dome he forgot the rules who remember next time yeah I don’t care why is he happier than me shouldn’t be I’m rich spiritually if your girl say that I’m not religious but I’m spiritual my crippled I’m not honest but you’re really interesting what’s up cider and talked about your crazy cats maybe three hours from now I can dry hump you no okay then scattegories that’s the second base in christian baseball some loose girls played as a single slowed down ladies I’m all for women that decide to get Love Island plastic surgery because Heidi Montag plastic surgery allows you the rare opportunity to make your outer appearance reflect your inner appearance fake which is a positive job for women unless of course you have fake boobs must be honest you’re not bright enough to get that joke how’s that feel yeah just keep telling yourself you didn’t see your shirts would fit better you did it because you’re a whore you forgot because you’re stupid enjoy your free drinks I’ll buy I love big titties yeah you got big titties than top-shelf small titties mmm beer in a can you ever been to a third-world country not a boob job in the bunch yet they still find happiness and that’s discouraging cuz they’re tough to look at no I know you have a harelip but we’re not working a track first I’m from America don’t speak your booga-booga language by the way I hate soccer and we wonder why other countries think we’re a train wreck when we have shows like The Swan Home Edition extreme makeover I don’t want to develop a personality you’re better off cutting my face am I happy and am I it is the expression I ordered happy put me on Weightloss Edition extreme makeover I’d like a vagina under my arm yeah that’s extreme I don’t know if they can do this surgery whatever I signed the waiver let’s go doc drill you know how I like it 5/16 and juicy like a starburst this joke gets worse hang in there my friends make you look different English come on guys two fingers there you go yeah that feels now I know why I call you best friend forever I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t pander my ass but just in case there’s any women in here that have had New York plastic surgery or considering getting Joan Rivers plastic surgery know that I’m just making light of a social issue I don’t give a shit either way at all please save your breath don’t come up to me after a show make I’ve got fake boobs and I’m not stupid that’s the only thing I’ve come up with.
To make that moment equally uncomfortable for you I know you’re not stupid I’m telling jokes I’ve had Nicki Minaj plastic surgery I could care less who knows I have how old do you think I am I’m 59 I am check my myspace page you can’t lie on there I’m 59 my lips are not this voluptuous I don’t know if you’re familiar with the procedure but a lot of times I’ll take some from your back section inject it into your lips I don’t have a lot back there so I was forced to use my dick fat because I’ve always been told I have a fat dick that’s why I wear black condoms because they’re slimming that’s a joke I don’t wear condoms I don’t it’s against my religion I’m kind of mad that you asked do you know how hard it is to grow up when you’re a little bit different than all the other kids every day in school I would hear it there goes Daniel he’s got a fat dick and I would run home crying mother why is my dick so fat and she’d be like because your real father’s Samoan is that why I hate the rock and she said yes and then we watch the rundown and we wept and yes chronologically this joke makes no sense at all but I don’t know any older Samoans so the rock is my dad oh yeah guess who has cat-like reflexes me thank you cat-like reflexes watch this I can do that every time ladies am I right I’ll alright let’s edit out the me going like that my mom would absolutely die what’s wrong with me chapstick you know what I’m gonna tell you something chapstick first of all if your man and you put UFC on you have to put it on all the way around you can’t just put on the bottom lip and go I mean you can but then you have to keep the chapstick in your which isn’t a bad idea because I’m always losing chapstick my favorite part of the day is when my upper lip gets dry enough that I can tuck it in and it stays I’m always like yeah it’s this time because it reminds me of how shallow I really am because I could meet the most beautiful woman in the world but her lip was like that I’d know way seriously somebody give me a stick I’m gonna beat this mutant hey here’s a joke that’s not gonna work but I have to do it why because there are people out there that will find this funny and I’m not so selfish that I don’t care about them as well I’m sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels when they’re clearly six is at best I don’t need to be told how hot Danica Patrick is do you really think she’s beautiful Danica she’s 411 and bowlegged you ever watched her walk to her Carla oh there’s nothing hot about her maybe it’s sexy when her hair’s blowing in the wind as she’s in last place for Maria Sharapova she’s breathtaking really when she was 13 and grunting I was into it but now it doesn’t do much warming it’s like the Olsen twins it’s just gotten sad I kind of hope one of them Odie’s so I can stop applause break on a joke I’ve never said before on my special that’s rare I’m just saying I’m not Tooting my own horn I’ve never said that in my life improv and up here god it’s unbelievable I can Kegel 75 pounds is that a lot is that good I don’t know I’m told it’s three sets of 40 is there any many gonna have a ponytail right now on it swear to God I wanna see something yep you have a ponytail no know you were just gonna help me like my dad I hate him a man with a ponytail saying hey don’t with me while the man with pigtails is saying here hold these while you me it’s a subtle difference but it speaks volumes it’s all about that part do you think there’s any case of polite Tourette’s in the world like one random person that yells out random compliments for no reason at all sorry I have a disease you may don’t worry about that was nice lovely hat I think two examples is enough next joke how does Superman fly faster can anyone answer with me in this quick how does the stupid I get that he can fly I accept that I just want to know how he flies fast or is it just like more this is the only part I don’t understand does he have different settings like oh this is my cruising speed I can one arm it with the bitch you know take around down I just need some nerd talk to me after show but see what happen when the planet exploded and I’ll tell you what a vagina feels like are we even you know there’s actually a blood test out now where you can find out if your kid is gay or not yeah it’s an HIV test it’s not a great joke I know but it’s a hundred percent accurate so I hope we find a cure for every major disease because I’m tired of walking 5k I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer I’ll write a check I have high-definition television because I felt a lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on I need some more clarity in this house have this case wrapped up in a half an hour that way I don’t have listen to Gil Grissom ramble on about bugs we get it you like maggots you’re weird oh I just burped did you guys hear that it’s weird that I’m actually mad because earlier today I had a blackened chicken wrap and they forgot the ranch and when burp I was like you know what I’m mad again and there was no ranch on it like that burp would have been better had there been ranch did anybody see the Oprah Winfrey episode where she had a little girl in there born with a rare disease where she didn’t feel pain like she put her hand on stove she knows hot she’d leave there it was a nightmare for the parents there to check on her child constantly to make sure she wasn’t hurt because she would never cry and I got so sad because at that moment realized I can never have kids if that was my kid I would have been like honey we have to talk our kid is a superhero yes see I got in a UFC fight this weekend I don’t know I think she’s gonna do great I snapped her arm six hours ago she didn’t tap out I love her she will be the next voice Gracie I love that Kobe Bryant puts out a commercial this year hate me because I’m a champion hate me because of my work ethic it’s like we hate because you were accused of rape what planet does he live in where he’s like seriously guys why are they pissed off because of the rape are you that doesn’t add up I love basketball and I love Top 25 college basketball and I’m happy that the NBA finally made a rule forcing Football Schedule high school athletes to play at least one year of college ball it’s a great rule change for Top 10 college basketball I came up with one more just for college why not let white players get one more point right who cares not gonna affect the games at all gonna make them feel like they’re contributing a valuable lesson to learn in college and we’ll remind the black athletes that no matter how hard they try in this country they’ll always make less than their white counterpart laughter is the ray response white people going oh is ridiculous you reap the benefits you just don’t like it thrown in your face I hate making more money for no reason secretly I love it how does one of the black people and here to see me go oh so they make oh that must be one of the good white people but you’re not and that’s why they’re gonna shoot you after how’s that Billy a cracker my boat make sure all your kids don’t throw I miss you too Park I love when people act like they don’t understand why the rest of the world may hate our country with a game show in our country called Survivor that’s a game in our country where you can win a million dollars for surviving 30 days in a place where people already live do you realise what kind of message that sends all right I’ve been here for 60 years may I have some bread no or Americans this is a game we don’t have our cell phones this is really hard I didn’t get service here anyway no I’m a singular they merged with AT&T I’m supposed to have double the bars I have no bars and I hate this island of waha pooi which I thought was a shampoo by Paul Mitchell it’s not that’s how it smells good you can’t celebrate in football anymore that’s a rule change are you kidding me if I score a touchdown which is unlikely because I want undrafted yet again despite a solid 40 and great hands I will celebrate I’m not going point to the heavens either I’m gonna go like because God everywhere.
He is he’s in my soul he can be in yours you have to invite him he’s like a that dude’s got rules stop celebrating and just do your job their jobs to catch a ball I don’t care if you get in the endzone have a 10-minute Tea Party it’s a game just don’t get mad at me when you’re paralyzed from the neck down being carted off the field cuz some free safety took your head off and you see me and the stands going oh dance now you overpaid clown how does it feel though God hates you maybe the Adel sponsor a vegetable yeah moan all you want I love defense be bent that’s what Chan I start in my section usually 118 lower bowl you see me in a football game I got a big letter D I’m going D my friend Karl he’s got a fence chain-link not white picket we’re not one of us is it’s gross but sex is a lot like spinach if you’re forced to have it as a child you won’t enjoy it as an adult am sokka I wearing a what would Jesus do bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes and the kid could see and he wasn’t used to light and it was bright he walked into traffic and was killed instantly okay people are laughing I’m gonna call you half-full because you’re focusing on the important part of story the bracelets are working I took my what would Jesus do bracelet I put on my Jewish friends wrist it burned his skin he threw it on the ground it turned into a serpent we both started laughing we left it there we hate snakes we think they’re slimy even though we know they’re not do you get the joke I’m making fun of people that take the bracelets too literally they’re not magical they’re a reminder to be a better person to live a better life and if you need to rubber band around your wrist to be that here’s an idea take it off and snap yourself in the eye and see if that wakes you I wore what would Jesus do bracelet and a movie theater wants to see if it’d work I cell phone went off one of those obnoxious rings where it’s a song and he doesn’t want to answer it because the good parts coming oh then he answers the phone in the theater what’s going on no I’m in the movies this is what I said verbatim I’m not gonna censor myself hey buddy get off the phone please this is what he says to me shut up in mind your own business ah now there’s trouble in River City I’m a man not much of one but a man I will choke if you were younger smaller and preferably white I had my hands on his neck and then I saw my bracelet staring right back at me what would Jesus do so I lit him on fire and sent him to hell did I had to amen I waste so much time in my life I could have accomplished so much more but I have no dreams like real dreams I sit at home thinking about how come nobody with the Lamborghini ever pulls up next means like hey man you want this car Mike yeah did I know in bragini today it’s never happened I think that’s wasted energy I want to get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room you know people there did you see that a guy come out of bathroom the one with doves who’s beautiful I bet that’s John woos kid ah Oh balcony appreciating a woo reference front row guide is going yes the rest of you google it I don’t care I hate you Google you’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship I shared a computer with my girlfriend she’d look up anything I’m gonna look up apples too she sits a butt asian ass instantly Google’s like I’ll take it from here I know exactly what you’re looking up well every time you hit a it’s asian ass Google all I ask is you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion it’s bad enough I’m clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords I’m trying to have an honest relationship and you were my shit and guess what I’m looking up asian ass guess who has all the time in the world I do I’ve got the house lock the plantation shutters are closed my keyboard isn’t a safe but reachable distance do you appreciate the picture I am painting I am jerking it in joke this is highbrow stuff guys oh I’m gonna be so famous I shaped all my pubes I don’t know why I looked at you when but I thought you would appreciate it why because I’d like to have the fastest sex ever that’s why I got three and a half seconds on my Whale Watching best time congratulations little Phelps check off swimming joke got one I wrote that joke because my friends a swimmer he’s like well do you shave all your pubes I’m like why are you in my bathroom because I enjoy watching you poop and I’m like okay no more slumber parties that’s creepy sure I do it adorable both elbows and the knees fingers crossed chin down that’s my business close the door I got the Bellagio coming my ass I don’t need an audience high brow poop joke my father said impossible I said nay top that bob newhart do you love goose down feathers do you have the trifecta mattress pad pillows comforter it’s like sleeping in heaven until that quill comes through the pillowcase and sticks you in the eye he says how does that feel bitch you like sleeping on my carcass do you goose why do you hurt so good maybe a higher thread count 600 as a trick quit sleeping on 12 that’s hay spend the money it’s one third of your life sorry my nose itched hello Carol Burnett’s daughter I think I’m too young for that reference and it doesn’t warn at all when I die which is gonna be in four years yeah it’s the only thing I can plan I’m gonna be cremated from the neck down yeah then at my funeral people are talking about me they have to hold my head yeah and then at the end they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over and no cradle Minh I want legit sex anyone seen karch do you guys daydream about being on The Price is Right much as I do contestant throw the last bit of the sweet spot what are you gonna do your last bidder one dollar does your hoodie sweatshirt say I go to the University if I waste my bid because that’s what you just did that’s a dumb the best bid statistically you have to muster up some courage to go okay I need to know what the highest bid was set okay 781 ruins your day didn’t I lady huh you got an awfully small window hope you nailed it I don’t know why you want to nail it anyway so you can go on stage reaching some old guys pocket for a $100 bill my grandpa used to do that all the time there was no $100 bill there’s a hole his pocket no underwear on excuse me don’t you go oh my grandpa was a great man if he wanted his balls touched by a little boy he was gonna get it he shed blood for your freedoms and don’t you forget it I think I’m on the wrong side of that one I get it you ever say the silent prayer when you see the old ladies spit in the wheel hoping once in your lifetime she gets caught underneath and snaps her back right in half and a pool of blood comes around and lands on a dollar Bob starts peeing himself he can’t hold it not at that age it’s dangerous so he’s peeing laughing get up bitch you have a Candy Crush bonus spin take the Zynga Poker bonus spin seriously what are the Greens worth in the Avengers Alliance bonus spin five thousand that is a lot of coin it’s gonna slow your heart rate down they’re gonna bid more effectively in the showdown now you’re in the one seat you two better bitter pass of course it’s rookie the first showdown carpet couch I’m not on the queer prices right Am I signed it for the straight one yeah I’m gonna send that south I’d like the second showdown that one has a waverunner and a camper it’s a white-trash starter kit and I know a lot of you’re like we don’t even have a trailer head screw it you’re camping in your driveway maybe you can buy an inflatable pool so your kid can drown or maybe you could spend more than $100 on a pool you’re a horrible parent and I’m glad your grass died are we down to six people perfect okay well I don’t know get the last part I mean obviously the last but the grass tie what does that mean well if you leave the pool out for a day or so it kills your lawn I rent an apartment well it jokes clearly not for you maybe if you’re nice he’ll do a poor version later won’t I heart Hurricane Katrina president bush Executive Orders president bush has done some great things I don’t know if you’re aware of this but oh seven extending daylight Observe Daylight savings time two months longer yeah I’m aboard thank you that’s great do you not know this next year it’s two months longer there’s not new months like wrecked over and Toyota thon which I’m sure he tried that whoa what are you talking about never mind I’m gonna go the ranch I’ll see in seven weeks but storm cut my last one short okay first of all daylight End Daylight savings time was created for farmers and there’s only four of them left so I don’t think they warrant half the calendar year I say keep it 50/50 but instead of one hour Ford ready five hours forward socket by the way you ever have a job where you have to give speeches in front of people pepper in the phrase Sukkot very empowering just as you can see from our PowerPoint presentation Sukkot but and your clients back did he say suck it well I like this guy he’s a go-getter okay I say change from 105 hours for because people nine-to-five jobs you’ve gotten so selfish and complacent with a daylight you get it all the time people that work at night a third of this country according to a survey and made up for this joke we get robbed it’s not fair half the or five hours forward means the sun’s rising at noon means I don’t like just a piece of shit every morning when I’m waking up I’m like wow the Sun is just now coming up I might mail a letter and get groceries today time for me to turn this life around starting tomorrow because today there’s a little gonna beat Marathon on MTV and I’m gonna get caught up on season three try to figure out why they’re so ugly this and my jokes not even over are you.
Kidding me and sexually transmitted diseases would drop completely off Fiji baby birds do you think I’d leave you with a cliffhanger mm-hmm that’s not my style five hours for think about that means the Sun setting it to in the morning means guys you’re at a bar pumping drinks in a some girl you get to bring her outside in the daylight yeah you do back Siri I had a lovely time this evening but I will see your ass back and stand there time where you belong and she’s like and you will be like thank you Daniel and your new daylight United States savings time you kept me from having sex with a pterodactyl and you don’t want to sleep with a pterodactyl not at your place they have a 14 foot wingspan minimum they’re knocking everything off your then you have go to Target you’re on a budget that place gets expensive you’re going there for two things but then you see the frames who can pass up rush silver and I say we change our Child Safety socket covers not just the bathroom now you see that one guy that’s why just I kept going till one person was like holy shit that joke had everything oh my goodness do you mind if I recap there was sex there was pterodactyls knickknacks the target I was just telling you we should change our Safety Plug socket covers this guy is more of a prophet less of a comedian you’re welcome you are welcome sir I think we should legalize marijuana in this country so potheads have nothing to talk about ever come on it does get a little annoying after a while I’ll just say hey you wanted hi know why not because I’m not in the seventh grade and I have things to do you grow up and do coke like an adult yeah that’s what I’m talking about let’s get some math No all right sorry I went too far oh nothing like tweaking for three days am right I love flip-flops the women it’s okay to love men it’s 50/50 right because you’ve been stuck you’ve been caught you’ve been at the airport urinal and your flip flops huh not the Northern Lights best time you’re standing there your feet get a little wet you haven’t started yet Oh now there’s a problem you got two choices you can wanna ignore it live that Khaled Hosseini kite runner shame long as you can bottle it or you can to face your attacker whisper Nazir thank you that’s what I like before a flight to Phoenix get me ready for the heat that is a golden shower and Important Quotes kite runner reference in the same joke almost impossible I pull it off because I care all right I’m Pro gay marriage just the idea of having a man around the house finally I get some stuff done let’s go we got chores this weekend God hates queers that’s me pretending to be a right-wing redneck radical protesting not double fisting it black you to have the right visual of this jokes gonna hold no wait oh he’s picketing oh that didn’t look like picketing that last part didn’t look like you God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve you’re under the answer between religion and gays look in the Bible look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden we all know who sinned first come on ladies do you have to eat everything now I know you were hungry there was a snake talking to you stick that store that’s scary if a snake told me eat an apple of it all right I didn’t know you could talk oh man I hope it’s a Granny Smith I like those or sour if it’s a Golden Delicious I’m gonna leave me alone snake I’m eating peaches you talk to me in two months and the Fuji apples already in chronologically that joke is accurate I know a lot about apples now we have to be punished for all mankind because of you women eaten an apple what was woman’s punishment you even know painful childbirth menstrual cycles man’s punishment we have to deal with women that’s why I get so upset me but God hates gays God doesn’t hate gay people he’s just upset because they found a loophole in the system wouldn’t it upset if you came up with a great punishment they’re like we’re just gonna sleep with each other yeah it’s a lot easier than listing a leg are you kidding me whoa that’s a bold move to test our love with a limb you could have started a fingernail found out real quick I’m shallow you lose a leg I saw it on the freeway you’d be perfect for matchmaker honestly girls if there’s any woman in here that ends up dating me and you lose your leg god forbid I hope it doesn’t happen but if you do and we’re dating the only thing you can be sure of is I will push you over all right I will push you over and back you ain’t no Tree House weeble wobble you ain’t no Peppa Pig weeble wobble oh my job is so good that whole joke that whole stupid and long joke is just get to a point where I can yell you ain’t a Paw Patrol weeble wobble I always think it’s funny when guys find out that somebody’s pregnant and you’re a guy no I was talking to Noah oh yeah bet you hope it’s a boy huh a boy right my boy this is cheesy to say this but in my heart honestly I just hope it’s black thank God I’m out of that was close sorry you have to give up on your dreams I’m gonna go back to being selfish everybody get the joke it’s not my kid because I’m white I know oh you guys waited like this what is white the joke is safe after all you ever knows when people talk about where they live is a good place to raise kids what they’re trying to say is where I live is really segregated a little too close to home for you Orange County got it ya know yeah you definitely win that round I didn’t have a privileged childhood like a lot of you I grew up on a public Tee Times golf course and that’s embarrassing I lived on the right side of the fairway all these hacks slice into my yard you don’t hear for when you’re mowing nothing runs like a deer till there’s a Titleist lodged near carburetor public Eagle Creek golf course way to aim for the middle dad thank you that joke actually hurts to say but I can do it I think this country is ready for another civil war because these NASCAR fans are out of control oh there’s the line I’ve drawn a pic let’s do battle I hate NASCAR and I hate hunting let’s combine them every year the Daytona 500 released thousands of deer on the infield let them roam wherever they want no restrictor plates at this race I want top speed 215 plus they’re hitting deer they’re exploding people in the front row they treat like a Gallagher show with plastic you know as guts come flying over the wall some lucky toothless broad jumps up hi Carson Junior this is the best day of my life y’all won’t see my daddy’s no okay now if we can just incorporate spousal abuse pick a redneck triathlon but everything I say is wrong I get it I don’t I’m a complete hypocrite I’ve dated girls with boob jobs breast enlargement but she was an a-cup that’s gross get a fix girls you’re not even a real woman I know you want to scream at me but you can’t because your training bra is too tight Eyez she didn’t go overboard like a lot of girls do she got a nice full double D she had a 5/3 frame it worked she put squeak toys in it I thought that was a wonderful decision she was a clowns was a tax write-off she was a sad face clown I could never tell if she was really happy I’d be in the bedroom for hours are you there yet Snickers and she just better okay what could you untie my penis out of a pool it’s really starting to hurt that’s that clowns blowing I don’t know how to do it it’s an Asian method and by age I mean eastern Russia nothing Indonesia stuff revolves a pinky round back I don’t like it I do like it but on stage I say don’t I’m not an open book good sex with a clown that’s disgusting I think it’s awesome uh-huh no it’s not guy who’s still high fives soon as you take off wig the funny shoes she’s just like any other retarded girl I loved her supporter she was in the Olympics so when they’re not supposed to laugh at but when you watch the hurdles they knock over every single one you start to giggle now you’re going to hell that’s not fair they’re supposed to be athletes Ruben and Lane six is chewing on the second hurdle sorry I found that funny I’ll tell you what’s not funny they sell those foam hands your number one except they’re shaped like that how does that build character thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth that joke is clearly not for everyone but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laughs feel shitty about themselves because you’re all hypocrites televise the special Winter Olympics you’re not gonna watch really well is that guy standing up in the bobsled yeah does he know the tunnels coming why did he pick today not to wear the helmet you’ll move over muneca I agree with you balcony even though you sound like half a tard to begin with maybe you shouldn’t be the group spokesperson you don’t for many reasons first of all they have a strength of 10 men which is equivalent to one chimpanzee and that’s why if you ever see retarded chimpanzee you turned and run okay because that thing is a borderline superhero but Hollywood on their moral high horse they won’t make movies about a retarded chimp unless of course you count a Vin Diesel movie which I do which I do and in all fairness to me if you’re Vin Diesel Fanny shouldn’t be here watching me anyway you should be at home coloring praying your next one gets on the refrigerator but I won’t because elephants aren’t orange you idiot thanks a lot you guys have a good night.