I took a whole bottle of j germeister one time anybody I know you’re lying because you’d be dead but you know figure the whole bottle late of Jager is like being in the eye of a tornado you know bad stuffs gonna happen you got to prepare okay you can’t just sit there quietly you got to prepare you got to get all your sharp stuff away from you make out a will duct tape your dog’s clothes I’m not saying you have to do these things I’m just saying be prepared learned it in the scouts did you guys see this movie Freddy vs. Jason do you guys see that yeah I missed that because the night before I was David Tell versus a coke whore it was.
Yeah know I didn’t finish the whole shop people okay you want to talk about it because you know what’s down here all my broken dreams could’ve played basketball if I grew up in the Philippines it’s right down to the air that have been Vin Diesel the people wanted an action hero intense it’s down here let me tell you something about shaping your pubes okay when a guy does it doesn’t look a rhotic and exotic looks kind of sad and desperate it looks like your penises mom didn’t pick them up after soccer practice ten minutes after you left it’s always 10 minutes annually but all the fun shows are like the fun mo Beals a block behind it all strippers midgets and balloon the Dixie Chicks came in and banged everybody and even the fat boy with asthma got a hand job take it easy.
This map of San Francisco and you’re like how can I laugh but I know how expensive it is to live dear look at San Francisco oh the lights are on you sure is this town with the power shortage the lights are on right here there’s a guy working on a screenplay called I think I’m gay and over here is a guy going should I call my website boo ba I gotta get down to the wharf cause I’m a my Nana magician so I’m sitting on the couch my dogs licking himself i’m master baby we catch each other’s eyes we both start laughing now that was a night my dog has a nice little laugh like a little Korean ah geisha a little drinking tip never ever get drunk when you’re wearing a hooded sweatshirt because you will eventually think there’s someone right behind you.
I’ve been having a great time here some of you were looking at me like just forgive me my kabob and let me out of here all right let me pop people here tonight yes in this moment of Terror the pop people are the people we need protecting the airports am I right London who better can stand for hours looking at nothing I think we got something oh no it’s just my hand speaking of terror there was a terror alert today there was a bright shiny object in the sky today I think it was called the Sun you guys have the worst weather I’ve ever seen in my life you guys went out to ten two days just to be pale really I’m telling thank you very much Miami man is just so hot here I need a nap after I write for it you know saying that was a doozy there’s always like some kind of lightning storm down here and that’s got to be the worst way to die being struck by lightning cuz that’s like God’s drive-by shooting you know you’re just walking out of a gay bookstore minding your own business why you’re it all the time Dave you’re talking about being gay maybe you really are gay and I’m like listen voice in my quiet I Quiet Ones gotta watch the Ice Capades oh know you wouldn’t like being gay know I wouldn’t cuz one time during a horrible gardening accident a cucumber went up my ass yeah three times you’re a dog you’ve seen that it’s hard down here cuz all the women are hot and they all got that cleavage hanging out at you staring at making you do things like dance it’s amazing I can’t do that I can’t walk around with half a ball even if you get drunk and lost your home that’s what I said that’s hard work being a farmer you gotta have patience when you’re a farmer you don’t meet many chain-smoking farmers you know but that was in the military anybody in the military here he’s had that eat for his war stories and his other stories blend together into one long story and you don’t understand he’s like one time we were surrounded then we ran out of ammo then we were fighting hand-to-hand then we started digging and sitting that’s how I made your mother what women have all the power because women have all the vaginas have you ever thought about it hit me the other day while I was doing this the vagina meets everything rock-paper-scissors no the vagina so San Diego never make fun of someone so much think you should thank them for all the good times had you know what I’m talking about I’m getting old even my laugh is getting old I have that old man laughed you’ve heard it right with that little slide at the ends back to reality like funny oh I got a mortgage my third son might be gay here’s some kind of advice to the people of San Diego never let a woman put a condom on you cuz embarrassing it’s like oh hey look this still more room we could tie it off and use it and again cuz you have a small penis and I know cuz I teach kids how to swim now if someone looks at your penis for the first time you want a little reaction you want some excitement you want another language if possible like but if someone looks at your penis and.
The first thing out of their mouth is oh that’s not good time to buy a Corvette alright use another one-way street I saw a guy today with like weird hairy card the line going all the ways around his head just this line going always around why is that what when say you know I have had it up to here we live in a racist world am I right I know because I’m Hawaiian I went to a Klan meeting why are they still having meetings is there any new business with the Klu Klux Klan what does that for questions or something just gives me a grand wizard yeah I want a vacation and I got really tan should I kick my own ass and burn my house there what time I took acid have you guys ever taken acid you know just want to do an acid we went to play Myrtle Beach miniature golf putt-putt have you ever played San Antonio miniature golf on acid Oh God the three days thought I was the king of that little town here before because everybody’s getting drunk and they’re dancing and if you don’t hook up you can just cross the bridge over to Arkansas you can see man mud really with a line behind what keeps the relationship alive man what is it lots of sex yeah he said that not her though check 10 meter are the same in a way what’d you say the same after both don’t you I gotta get out of here you have about one foot and then smell the other one to make sure the first foot isn’t tequila that is a wild man drink really you can get tequila too the nicest sweetest girl she’s like how come someone isn’t sucking titties my Happy Birthday best friend’s admission I have another friend who is an albino together we call ourselves the Bulls we travel around from to bar making sure our women get home very early you probably have dirty thoughts and you have no way to get them out here’s a way to say anything dirty and never be responsible all you have to say first is I read this article and you could say anything want you know I read this article that the best way to remove peanut butter from your balls is a dog did you know that this article a lot of people think if you watch the Ice Capades you’re gay no I think you’re gay if you’re watching the Ice Capades in coach I’m trying to watch the Ice Capades never see the end call up now for your dream job your dream job is a phone call I scoff I’m like Hello is this a chocolate factory run by big-titted hookers it’s like the Gold Rush discovery channel I watch the Shark Week discovery channel you know and I’ve discovered I need a girlfriend that’s a nice guy once you watch everything on the planet have sex it’s rocks plants everything’s getting laid even the dust mite it lives in their eyebrow this thing’s on you having sex while you’re not having after I heard that I went home and shaved my ass I did it it’s a fire line they can’t cross it thank you very much you guys Philadelphia glad I’m here and I’m glad we left some seats up because you never know when Earth Wind & Fire might want to come in it you guys are a good crowd you know cuz I’m used to the that’s probably why there’s nobody up front cuz the hecklers some guy says some you suck then I’m gonna say so does your mother and then he says something then I say something ten minutes later the guys screaming my eye the comic bent out my eyes go down and no Honey Mustard chicken fingers are sold a zero movement on the Raising Cane’s chicken fingers I do look like a terrorist don’t I get on the plane everybody there starts freaking out the guy next to me turns to me he goes I know karate I look out the window there’s an f15 pilot looking at me with the finger in the man’s nowadays and why does it cost $50 Thank Philly you guys would be great boston college town retard hooking up in college cuz you got to sleep in bunk beds you sleep in a bunk bed here you do right you can never sleep in a bunk bed cuz if you sleep up top you think you’re gonna roll out all night so you’re like I’m alright if sleep down below you think you’re about to be peed on it anymore but I didn’t learn how to masturbate without moving I am very accident-prone I almost killed myself with a q-tip one time I was cleaning my ear right and the phone rang and forgot I had the q-tip in my ear and I hammered it into my head but get this the quarter now thought I was on to something you guys love this jokes where have you been my whole life this is great how old do you miss Halloween you’re 21 looking for fun I’m 36 that’s not too old for not at all really I could be kind of like that retarded janitor at the school that you bang for a term papers something like that some kind of research I’m a sensitive dude I like to cuddle you know but there’s such a fine line between cuddle in and holding someone down so they can’t get away all right come on man you know what I’m talking about you got that Saved by the Bell look but I know you’re all Wildcat is it really the size of a man’s penis that matters Boston is it really well the whores have Boise Idaho myself this time you can wear a Fleece Lined flannel shirt and a flannel is a manly shirt what goes with a Ll Bean flannel shirt Boise right a chainsaw restraining am I right my Birthday Wishes best friend is a midget will he ever leave you forget it just forget it my dog has a habit of sniffing my crotch is that normal in the shower is that even allowed Boise don’t be no yes oh Lord kids are beautiful aren’t they who can forget the look in a child’s eye when you take them out of your trunk am I right seem out every town laughs at that you know are you doing Boise you know what you’re doing all right this is the funny bone because that’s what human looks like a penis with a cane in hand are you from Atlanta you’re not I can tell you know why cuz you don’t have that Atlanta mustache every other guy here has that kind of Ted Turner Burt Reynolds mustache look at him ooh good on his own company could direct you go either way what you do when you get caught masturbating well here’s a little tip first look surprise alright until where you will be surprised and then say this quick get some help my hand and peanuts are if that doesn’t give a ten-year-old to stutter nothing will thank you throw up their favorite Pony to the show tonight last time I heard a laugh like that it also had a blowhole Wow how about a hand for the man who asked us back nice here especially the women that’s so nice friendly and attractive now like in America the women they were so defensive in America I awfully girl a piece of gum she’s like Oh what do I need gum you think I need a piece I’m just trying to be nice if I was gonna give something you need it would be mustache wax and a t-shirt that says one kind of time you guys are on a date aren’t you is this a Blink 182 first date you know it’s a horrible High School first date balloon ride you feel so unmanly up in a balloon your lady loves it it’s like a tampon commercial come to life really easy in the morning yep it’s the hobos espresso you’re up sexy town but the women here have no time for bullshit every woman in this town has an agenda I bought a blow-up doll it had a watch all right that’s all I’m saying alcohol plays tricks on you it really does it’s the original magic trick right alcohol can make a red light look green or a 15 year old look 18 you know nothing come on New York you know what I’m saying masturbates everyone by that I mean human not many animals do for example the turtle he does not what he is thinking about it yeah balloons are like a kid’s drug are n things are like valium to a child it’s like what’s wrong here Oh my Gift Ideas best friend is the midget everyone and everybody should have one midget friend you know cuz with their kind loyal and if you’re sad you can always just look at them am right I mean come no that’s the right Dismore yeah please do everything together except seesaw cuz that really wouldn’t be fair to him you oh holy whoo hey can I help miss you know there’s no going on here I’m gonna okay well can I get a little security up here quickly a little security what is there something up here I have to tell you this there’s lots of different types but I have to say midget there’s something about it that makes me want to wake the kids I can’t you be watching this please late come on I’m bored you know I thought if I shaved my head it would make me look tough you know like a bouncer or something like that I go to a bar this woman comes out to me goes you know what you look like a gigantic baby I want some my cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks and I’ll tell you ladies that’s pretty wild cause you got drinks coming out of you know that you’re like a Snapple or something like that those we can’t breastfeed which is probably good cuz if we could we’d spend the whole time squirting each other now you know were we got nipples too something to come out of our nipples something manly though like motor oil how’s that or beer no it can’t be beer cuz then your buddies would want to suck your nipples will they I love thank you very much how’s it going Arkansas come on Little honey look how loony it is dilated pupils bright red tongue that’s in crystal meth that’s what we’re looking at right up there one of my balls hangs lower than the other now that it’s reading have you seen it I don’t know if he’s low or he has his own agenda I’m not exactly sure he’s got places to go people to see chins to fall on cigarettes are kind of cheap down here like three baths yeah they’re kind of cheap man New York City seven bucks a pack yeah and all time you smoking you’re thinking for another three I could be smoking crack right now there goes reasoning good-bye bowel control women don’t know what single is men know what it is single alone I’m a loser I need singles go to the strip club people always thought talking about internet oh it’s so good I think these people are cowards sitting in their house or mom’s basement logging on and watching I’m old school I want portal I have to get up that’s right get up put on raincoat a crazy way to that store Toronto has a lot of beautiful women am I right fellas yes they are am I right and they are friendly they are friendly you know why because it is freezing here a fat man is attractive in this town look at that guy he looks really warm look at the other day I was just sitting around my apartment naming my balls now that’s what I do I’d like you all to meet Eric and weird tingling pain should I see someone I can’t stand like Halloween I don’t enjoy cuz you know what no matter what I would dress up as my dad would always put me down I’d be dressed up as like a little vampire right he’d be like oh what are you a little vampire you want to see something that really sucks you see that thing sitting on the couch I got a bat for the rest of my life Indian word for good water hmm miss you watch you do what kind do like you don’t watch it you don’t at all not at all and how do you how do you get aroused antiquing what is your eyesore a 1910 baby high chair and I just had to change my panties that hit a nerve with the summer share people anal beads you know what that is they got real quiet all right here’s what I don’t understand why do they come in so many different colors when they always come out Brown I don’t get it it’s not a kid in here get that kid out of here get him right over to a who would bring up you can’t hear what are you gonna do after this heroin you get him out of here thank you very much on again not right that’s not bad come on Listerine is 4.5 I think it’s wrong no it’s just the beer so weak I think they should make the bottle on a candy you know they can eat it afterwards that’s how stupid guys are you know like when it gets cold we gotta wear cold stuff and then they’re gonna put snowflakes on it so I’ll know it for the cold times should I wear this one it’s a hundred I know this is no break on it I swear my shirt with supervolcano’s on it thank Keywest oh this town is great it’s the kind of town you’re always ten feet away from pew and I love that stay 1985 cool sit down the right said there you go the last holdout Yogi’s get caught masturbating you never get caught right after you finish masturbating you know when you sit there quietly on the couch watching who’s the boss playing air guitar yeah let me see a ring above there you go alright see looking at I don’t mind it you know cuz you got the balls it down here you Muddy Waters gotta watch out you know you’ve been drinking too much when you find balls here the next day alright guys women are pretty hot here but I don’t really know how to approach him you know cuz they drink too so it’s really hard to see who’s gonna you know the last summer’s here I did hook up with a beautiful Irish girl and we made love and after which he goes that was kind of queek kind of Queen and I’m thinking yeah but with the time difference that was like hours sex it’s got to be hard for guys you know Here I am some American dude you know I came over here for the same reason a lot of other people did you know to start a terror cell and of course Freddie all right blenders here’s something I’ve learned a long time the difference between a nice time and a great time it’s usually an extra finger but you know what oh thought I had a parrot on my shoulder have you ever had that problem nothing you know wish I had a pair at Columbus I do because I wouldn’t keep them dirty words or songs I would teach them things I should know like phone numbers recipes and you know I do some more like a Palm Pilot you know I would teach them things that might save my life in case of a crisis you know but in case of an earthquake get in the doorway no one has freckles on their ass use a condom