a motherfucking beer.
God damn it smells like waiting here I.
Write shit down when i’m high and they.
Get mad at myself when I’m sober I wrote this down a unicorn is a donkey from the future if the does that mean it means neither stop smoking so much weed stupid good coming thanks Ann I’m making fun of my haircut right away I really appreciate that too baldness certain time you can’t keep getting a haircut sweet hair still looks like shit that’s just you gotta admit what’s goin on father time you cruel bitch you went again when I was young I had a hair transplant so I have this stupid scar in the back of my head you see that thing right there it’s like a little smile it’s a dumb thing that I did when I was twenty or two in my time but when you’re young and someone convinces that you can fix something you don’t like about yourself you can do some stupid shit and that’s the dumbest one Herricks plants are it’s one of the most ridiculous ideas ever you’re gonna take a bunch of hair from back here where it never falls out and move it up here where it’s falling out so it’s like taking a bunch of really healthy people and you move them into a neighborhood where everyone’s dying their neighbors who just flying off the face of the earth hold the ground where are we this some shit can’t fix you can’t fix lips you can try but you’re just gonna freak people the out okay period no one has ever taken five days off work and come back oh that’s dead no that’s a sign you’re crazy or you made out with a beehive something went wrong the are doing you crazy bitch they didn’t know how could they know the first women to try the lips how could they know that it wouldn’t work when it works so well with tits see that’s where it’s confusing his tits can be ridiculous they look like staph infections if your tits were real you’re gonna die all right there so really what they can skin we know what’s happening it’s the worst magic trick ever we know there’s an incision they stuff a water bag under there me I’m happy we’re weird about visuals man with the people mutilate their kids decks because of visuals that’s what circumcision is about a lot of people I’m circumcised I didn’t ask to be I’m sure a lot of you are circumcised and I’m sure a lot of you circumcise your kids but when you really stop and think about it it’s kind of crazy I only have daughters but me and my wife got an argument about this shit she goes if we had a kid and he was a boy I would want him to be circumcised I go why she goes cuz cut dicks you’re like how many of you see it was so confident it wasn’t like she saw two they weren’t that pretty but she was holding out hope for a cute one it was like yeah I’m see them no I’m just picturing a river sleep the uncut dicks in their past what are you saying I’m like that’s ridiculous the way it looks really it no it looks gross you told this extra skin like do you even know what a vagina looks like are you serious have you ever been sober and squat down in front of a mirror let me tell you something the extra skin might be the best-lookin part of that contraption because if you pull that apart you got the Predators mouth you’re really giving me a hard time for some extra dick skin how dare you how dare you be so minimally committed to this passionate relationship I licked your and you’re here complaining about the looks of certain dicks and look man if you don’t lick your girl’s ass all somebody has or somebody will tough it’s that serious it’s another level of commitment I would never circumcise my kid but what I might do is like cut it like a crown yo he’s the king man my kids the king go to the doctor hey main thing you do that shit in some kind of tribal pattern what is wrong with us I support gay marriage because I’m in a regular marriage that’s gay as some of these are jokes.
my marriage is not and I should clarify what I mean when I said that marriage is gay I don’t mean it’s negative a lot of people get mad if go to a movie come out go oh man that movie was gay cuz they say hey man what if a gay person hears that and they feel terrible because you’re associating something they can’t change their sexuality with something negative and that is not what I mean when I say that marriage is gay what I mean is that it’s like two dudes each other I explain see it’s not give you’re I’m happy man I love my wife I love having kids I’ve never been more happy in my life but I know I’m not going through a divorce right now and that’s when she gets crazy because that’s when you all of a sudden have talk to some people you don’t even know and they decide what happens with all your money she gets nuts when you realize that a lot of the legal system isn’t really designed to solve problems it’s designed to make lawyers money so they’re allowed to keep arguing they keep it never gets settled I watched a friend lose everything he earned in a three-year marriage he worked for years 10 12 hours a day he just up and married over his head shit got crazy he had to pay for her lawyer you imagine what it would be like go to war for the rest of your money and you have to pay for the enemy’s general crazy eye what’s wrong murder-suicide oh well we’re talking him off the edge I guarantee if you came up to my friend Matt at his darkest moment and said listen Matt I can fix your life I have a Hot Tub time machine and this is what we’re gonna do I’m gonna press this button and we’re gonna go back in time to the moment before you met your wife and you’re gonna get to live your life over again knowing the mistakes of the past before we do suck my real that’s how gay marriage can get this I.
Don’t know have you to respond in the same situation but I’m pretty sure my friend Matt would have knocked himself unconscious dick like it was the Horn of freedom with a conch shell pulling battleships like he was at the bottom of the ocean breathing through a straw and why wouldn’t you do it why wouldn’t you if that’s all yet how long did it take you gonna hold over you wouldn’t do it I’d say you’re gay if you won’t do it you don’t want to do it what you want to live your whole life in a downward spiral that you’re never gonna pull yourself out of in this economy or suck his dick in time-travel what are you a pussy get in there son that would be my advice I would say suck his dick and Harry Potter time travel she came to me my other piece of advice would be make sure he really has a Hard Drive time machine first okay laughing about it that is up in this snake it is nothing you know I got no turn machine come on man come on man cut this shit let’s be honest with what’s going on here here’s what’s going on you like sucking dicks but you don’t like to take responsibility free action right so you get tricks a lot here’s what’s up first of all I miss around okay machine I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings one more time you could fly I did it sounds ridiculous but if you put that ad in the paper somewhere sucking my dick and you can use my time most people would go get the but at least once a week you had to get a guy who calls up and goes how’s this mark okay that’s what you’re fishing for man you’re not looking for flounder alright you looking for a very specific type of fish I did that joke in LA and a guy came up to me after the show and goes shouldn’t do that joke as Potter Fanfiction time travel is impossible like you waited he had to tell me so I got one of those assholes on Twitter that wasn’t let you know when you’re wrong dude Naruto Fanfiction time travel is impossible what does for now are sure you know what is gonna be possible a million years from now that’s crazy who’s not phones coming 300 years who saw 30 years ago looking at a phone and going Sunday you’re gonna watch people on that there’s a lot of shit he don’t see coming then 200 years ago if you wanted to picture something you got to draw it think of how stupid people were back then you know no one knows what the future holds you to say it’s impossible to have anything in the future silly the guys you don’t understand science it’s called the grandfather paradox the reason why a External Hard time machine impossible is because if you had a Mountain Lion time machine you could go back in time and kill your grandfather before your father was ever conceived thus you could never have existed to make that Airport Extreme time machine and I’m like what kind of an wants to kill his grandpa and all the do she said you to do in a Hg Wells time machine that’s the name of a scientific principle really how about go back to high school and everyone paradox I wouldn’t kill grandpa but I’ll the shit out of a few confused 18 year olds all the sudden I found myself back in 1985 oh shit I would go straight fence purple raining on those hookers alright daddy might do yeah that’s creepy but what am I gonna do them doc time-traveled I might show up by Hitler’s taking a shit punch them right in the dick imagine if you can just pinpoint your location show off and hit this bathroom disappear you screaming the best part about that is you could do that and over again you have a Mac Os time machine come back any time want you do it one tenth of a second earlier every time he never sees you coming then after like a couple of weeks somebody starts to recognize you there’s like a hole in the space-time before you punch him I might do that you would have to be there right when the Preparing Backup time machine is invented though otherwise you it would already be done you know like you would say dude let’s go back in time and shit on Hitler’s head awesome by the time you think about that when you appear in the past you will be on a mountain of human shit twice the size of Everest oh it’s freezing up here we were so unoriginal the idea that if you had a External Drive time machine they could the whole world up therefore people wouldn’t use it and my idea is ridiculous because you look at the shit that we have that might the world up that we already used like Plant Jobs nuclear power you see what’s going on in Japan that’s scary they don’t know how to turn Plant Address nuclear power plants off did you ever even guess that was the case wouldn’t you have assumed there was a conversation hey man what happens if the power goes out dude don’t be negative it’s not gonna go out we’re just gonna build this son out in the field we’re pretty sure we can keep it cool earth what are you children making shit the are you doing they wanted to cool it off so they poured millions gallons of ocean water on it and then they pour that water right back in the ocean like do you motherfuckers not watch your own monster movies you guys made Godzilla and that was your solution that’s like a kid spilling a gallon of milk and then clean it up with his underwear so what are doing you made an even bigger mess and you’re naked get out of here let me handle this put a big fence around this place people are crazy we’re a bunch of button-pushing monkeys ma’am I think that people are responsible for the big bang and it’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever come up with and it’s not even real I’m gone idea because I was high on a pot brownie in an Joe Rogan isolation tank when I came up with it but yeah the idea is we were all so we’re fascinated by technology the biggest experiment right now is the Large Hadron Collider you guys know with honors it’s the biggest experiment in human history it’s ten thousand different scientists from a hundred different countries when they made this 22 mile long something machine that’s spinning these atoms around a hair under the speed of light they’re gonna slam them into each other and make little Muse Supermassive Dark Matter black holes well what’s crazy about that is those particle physicists dudes that nobody understands one of their theories is that inside every Event Horizon black hole may be a whole nother universe and that what the whole universe might be is galaxies inside every galaxies a Advance Wars black hole inside that Solar System black hole hundreds billions of galaxies each with Neutron Star Stephen Hawking black holes in the center each with hundreds billions of junk and its fractal and it will go on forever and they’re just making the shit and switch it’s a bunch of dudes and everybody’s like well we gotta stop gay marriage I’ll tell you right now they know gay guys don’t live Flower Boy next door to treat me like an equal with his little wife we are gonna make the big bang and I know it sounds ridiculous and especially coming from the fear factor guy it loses all credibility but if you stop and think about it man they don’t know how the universe started but the big theory is the Big Bang and that theory states that fourteen Earth 4 billion years ago the whole universe was smaller than the head of a pen but something happened it exploded and created everything we see in the sky today I think 14 Trip Lee billion years ago there were some scientists and they were probably autistic and they were on anti-anxiety medication and they were drinking Red Bull and no one touched them and they would masturbate and they never cried and they made a big bang machine and they sat around and looked at it one guy went I’ll press it and he hit that thing in the whole sky work it’s a reset button for the universe in every 14 First 4 billion years we hit it one second quicker and that’s infinity or maybe I was high as and I’m just making shit up just like those assholes that made the Mayan calendar all right maybe just enjoy your time here don’t sweat the doom and gloom yo if you have friends that are into the Mayan calendar man it’s annoying as hell bro the Mayans dude bro ancient knowledge you don’t respect the Mayans had amazing technology the Mayans could predict lunar eclipses a thousand years in the future did you know they figured that out did you know they hadn’t figured out shoes we can learn shit from the Mayans like how much mushrooms not to do how about that build an awesome society then start playing football with human heads they played a football game with human heads where they sacrifice the winning team how high do you have be to even bring that up in a meeting they like had their hands didn’t even know the world ridiculous man there were silly people they’re not here anymore they never saw that coming yet we think they figured out the end of the world really dude the Mayans were wise bro you’re being so uncharacteristically harsh the Mayans knew about the bird death they knew about the fish deaths they predicted these dumbass animal extinction events have you seen the bird deaths people like whoa dude there’s a thousand birds dead in Sioux Falls south dakota you know my response is maybe realized they were birds in Rapid City south dakota they just flew into each other at full speed shit life is that if you woke up tomorrow realize you a burden Black Hills south dakota you’d fly right into a electrical tower kind of shit existence is that how do we know that the bird death was a bad thing how do we know it wasn’t just one badass worm that became a sorcerer got Tardos hunt birds eating his whole worm family with moons and lightning bolts on fire skyy how come it can’t be a happy story birds I’m on Team people alright period talk your crazy shit with me I used to love nature far more until my dog got eaten by a Mac Os mountain lion which is I’ve told the story in the podcast and a lot of people don’t think it’s true it is a true story I was living in Colorado for a short period of time and I saw a Snow Leopard mountain lion in my backyard about far as that gentleman with the backwards baseball cap this is how far it was I’m sitting at my porch right so my porch is right here and the door to my house is right here not that right the mountains I know there was a mountain line there I’m just sitting the back porch going that’s crazy they let you live out here it’s where you can just know you get a house on here you just live in the woods but it is what’s that a dog this is where I panicked when I saw the tail cuz it was moving in between the trees you see like parts of its body like what the is that and I see this creepy yeah that’s how I knew it was a Time Machine mountain lion cuz nothing that’s nice has a tail like look that that’s a tail something someone up on this it moves out of the woods and it popped its head between two trees and we made eye contact and I did not mean to do this but my whole body dropped by two inches and went I was thinking about sitting the Porto’s looked at door and like I don’t think I’m gonna make it I just looked at this thing and the realization that I’ve up it was so strong it was such like a what did you do what the are you do the only thing that’s close to that feeling is when you’re talking to a girl and halfway through the conversation you realize this is a dude and I couldn’t figure out how to.
Approach the situation he run before that instincts kick in chase you or do you treat her like an and just start moving a little bit at a time like what you think I’m stupid bitch it’s a gaffe it eventually took off it ain’t my dog that’s a true story it was a week later date my dog it was case in my house that was weird but what was really weird is how the police deal with it I called the cop and I go hey man a Vmware Fusion mountain lion eat my dog he goes you gotta keep him inside at night I decided right then I was moving I was.
Like what the are you talking about did you know did you say I five heard did say you gotta kill everything that eats dogs that’s what cops should say right you don’t kill them you don’t kill these dog eating monsters he goes hey no of course we don’t kill them it’s against the law we need them you need them they keep the deer population down do you know the deer are not bulletproof and they’re made out of food what you’re telling me is you need monsters just wandering through the woods eating up all the extra food who the let you in charge you crazy legacy thinking assholes its nature man it’s like granola they had a sign-up if you get attacked by a bear play dead if you get attacked by a Airplay Mirroring mountain lion fight back really you got signs on how to fight monsters why don’t you burn these trees down you got monsters hydrogen how much do you really like look at the trees you need a certain amount of nature in your life you don’t want to go completely no nature that’s not good people left up to their own that’s Las Vegas that’s only good for a visit it’s all good from it you’re not supposed to live anywhere where they let you drink 24 hours a day that’s up and they give you free booze when you’re gambling oh you know that’s crazy and it’s all red bull plus something so you got a chemical battle going on your consciousness half of you spelled retardation when you’re on Red Bull in whatever and it’s like 9 o’clock in the morning you don’t even know who the are you got one cylinder that’s just fooling your feet in certain directions make it up decisions and what you give me heat we went to the Spearmint Rhino strip club at 9:30 a.m. on a Thursday and it was passed that’s what was really.
Depressing that’s one of those dumb Red Bull and vodka moments when you’re too stupid to be making your own decisions we eat breakfast we were down to two word sentences we’re just like waffles bitch nobody says anything for a minute somebody goes word and all I’m thinking of is sleep man and all I’m thinking is oh I can’t wait to hit that pill it’s gonna be so nice go to sleep and I hear hey man you guys want go to the Rhino and I’m like that’s my voice so I look at that and see if they heard it too and they’re like it would be open all men need is one dude in the group that’s more up than everybody else and then they feel normal know you can be the craziest whoremonger of all time like well I’m not like Jimmy animal you just think that one dude let’s go to the game let’s go to the game let’s get coke hookers and then there’s silence in some of those oysters who’s serious are you serious then you always to have the conversation with the wife why are you even hanging around with him he’s so beneath we’re I’m loyal he’s a good buddy I don’t agree with the way he thinks about women but.
We got there and it was packed there’s nowhere to sit it was like the opening scene from blade and that was just I was on so many different things I was on I smoked some pot I ate some pie I drank a lot of whiskey there was a lot of things going on and I was sitting there you know those moments you have when you’re pissing when you go to the we reevaluate your life when you’re hammered ladies I’m sure you have those too but it’s a different thing for dudes it’s like this blank moment almost like an San Francisco isolation tank where you’re forced to stare at a white surface and you’re pissed and you’re like I probably just get the out of here right kind of a joke is that ridiculous man I’m preparing for the apocalypse I thought the apocalypse wasn’t gonna happen soon as Rick Santorum dropped out of the race like wow I don’t know Rick Santorum’s ever had gay sex but I’m pretty sure it’s on his bucket list this is how you can tell that a man cannot be in charge when it concerns himself with trivial matters like gay marriage there’s only two reasons that you hate gay marriage is one you’re dumb or two you’re secretly worried that dicks are delicious solids there you can see the space was small Joy’s just fighting the gay him and Tina Fey sarah palin cave got a hundred percent of the retard market that was them those a dangerous time for us that’s why I think the minds are wrong there’s a lot of people that hate Fox News sarah palin but I do not I don’t find anything wrong with her there’s nothing that she does that I probably wouldn’t do didn’t I don’t think the same things that she does but she’s not qualified to be vice president and neither am I but if they asked me I’d probably do she’s jump I’d and work that guy even get up before noon what the country be exactly the same of Joe Biden didn’t exist I say yes I said it wouldn’t be a thing Jane I could do his job with three extra emails a day I really don’t find I feel like 500,000 extra Twitter followers man that’s no Joe that sits back so why shouldn’t she do it sailor Palin’s living in the frozen north she’s not even in America she’s living up in some places still attached and everything that’s not attached is just some shit we stole okay that she is the queen of a frozen Puerto Rico that’s what the is going on she’s like whoa and I’d rather just dodged moose on the way home every day I’d rather freeze to death walking to get my mail what do you expect man what do you want her to do my friends like she’s dumb she never reads my what to you I’m gonna be all my best friends don’t read how about that stop slut shit she’s talking about all the time son see the flush she’s not maybe Atlanta hot but I’ll tell you what she is she’s baby birth Iowa Holiday Inn Hotel Bar 1 a.m. and cokes some truth she leaned over their chip fingernails cigarette and whiskey breath and said let’s get the out of here you’re like let’s get the out of here but she can’t be Christmas slow down son just cuz you want a fucker doesn’t mean she could be the queen settled it’s a lot of bitch man out there that think life is a Kevin Costner movie and they’re waiting line to buy a book from her she’s gonna shut your wait in line to get a book signed by a chick who doesn’t read books come here son have you ever done squats you know about deep squats you know deadlifts do you know about bison meat it’s really healthy for you the only hope for the conservative movement in this country they have like a planned speech to meet her mrs. Palin I just wanna say that you make me proud to be an American and I think you’re probably the only hope for the right in this country and I just shake your hand soon as they touch hands you nuts they tackle on the taze them first of all she’s wearing glasses and that’s a goddamn dirty trick and every man knows this it’s a goddamn dirty trick women might not know this because you don’t now up we really are and this is nothing we’re proud of but I’m going to be honest and everyone will back me up when a man meets a woman and she’s wearing glasses the very first thing that pops into his head is I wonder what it would look like if I came on those glasses we’re not proud it’s not something we dwell on but it pops in there man get it – put all that for pleasure to meet you too mrs. Clinton but you don’t want well I be stopped fair man she could get contact she knows what she’s doing she said plus she lives in Alaska man I think if you live in Alaska you probably to have glasses on just for protection there’s probably like ten chicks up there dude you drop that boots check it out the people’s faces big Yosemite Sam it’s waiting for women behind bushes she’s probably got 20/20 vision that’s probably a protection issue Katie Couric sarah palin I really do think she’s a nice lady this is why I say this they wrote a tell-all book on her where a dude followed her hat they went to her town he lived Eng Sub next door to her for a year and wrote a tell-all book and the worst dirt he could dig out was that she might have had an affair with a jet ski salesman and I’m like do you have any idea how persuasive you would have to be a jet ski salesman in Alaska that guy might be able to everyone in this room before we even knew what I might be a hypnotist he’s selling watercraft in a place where everything’s frozen we’re we really discounted his pimp King shot they’re hunting moose and shit what’s he maybe Mina Jeske I like working for the UFC but I don’t like being around that many men who can rape me the weird shit that gets cetera I was hanging out with Dan Henderson once and we went to a comedy club and the guy was heckling at the comedy club and I go if you don’t shut the up I’m half-dead Harrison your girlfriend while he holds you and I look over at dan without missing a beat oh why would I hold him down when I could just stare them down tonight’s party hat that might have been the creepy shit anybody ever setting fun time in my life I was like Jeff no feelings for this guy’s dreams kind of nightmares that motherfuckers gonna have for the rest of his life this is certain realities man and we’re talking to a guy like John Cena brock lesnar and he’s standing over you there’s at least 1 of your brain is going please don’t me it’s not that he’s gay because he’s not something even if he was gay couldn’t do better than me he could do way better than me the Roman Reigns brock lesnar wanted to you his car what you do fight it off for a certain amount of time the size of Triple H brock lesnar he might be able to you on this stage and they might be 2,000 of us in you’re waiting for somebody else to say something first I don’t want to hear them I do somebody’s Josh me up I might want to watch this play out and see this all goes down you don’t want to be that first tooth hey man were you doing small or what stampede I’m not really worried that Full Match brock lesnar would me but I’m really worried is that he would use me as a condom the fucks not way bigger yes the real fear I’d wind up in the back of his pickup truck with a pair of bolt cutters gone why we at the zoo give 10,000 years now they found Brock.
Lesnar’s body and it’s right next to David Spade’s body they’ll be like these are two totally different species is I think what’s going on here is this one would just carry that one around and it whenever he wanted like a human flesh light and yeah am I got no argument my wife about the flashlight man my wife but when the flashlight became a sponsor for my podcast is one of the rare moments when me and mrs. Rogan disagree with something it was like she was really serious with me she’s like I think the flesh lights a terrible sponsor it’s bad for your reputation like Wow even know me like really I’m in like five documentaries on illegal drugs I used to make people eat animal dicks on TV your thing in the man on this fake vagina is gonna give people the wrong impression women don’t like him and women don’t like you there’s something creepy about when you buy something and then you I love you too but this if your man came home or if you came home rather and your man was banging a flashlight no one would be happy about it’s weird as there’s a certain social weirdness to it and when that comes from is that sex is supposed to be something that people give you when they like they you get used to them they get friendly they want to give you affection give each other affection that’s what it’s there for it’s sort of like an incentive to be nice to people yeah no time for that it’s about something and if instead of a person even masturbation see the problem of masturbation really is so the fleshly is far superior to masturbation because when masturbate you can feel your hand so why are you masturbating at least fifty percent of your brain is going dude you’ve got a dick in your hand and then 25 of your brains like we got it’s our dick it’s cool and then the remaining 25 go that is the pie chart of the male mind during masturbation thank you and when you’re masturbating is no room for other thoughts you can’t like take some sports scores in there you know I owe some money nah man it’s that’s it or you don’t beat off you know the dog shits in the living room you stop and can’t just keep going that fleshlight changes everything it’s it does not feel like masturbation it feels like real sex it feels great until you orgasm and then that great feeling is replaced with a deep sadness this is you at your best.
This is you at the did this moment right now you’ve lived your whole life you’ve learned all your lessons and here you are still up their yard yeah nothing in your plastic to know your pants off you slob I don’t care who are you give me the biggest winner of all time maybe Michael Jordan as you’re nothing into a flesh like Michael Jordan’s disappointed in Michael walk with me 1 learn the real dark moment comes you have to clean that thing that’s the only time you can’t pretend you doing anything else but when you clean thing you gotta unscrew the bottom and release the Kraken of shame flags out of the tube like slugs I’ve been hit with a mallet and your loves look so unimpressive when they’re in their sink like how does that make a person that lazy little you know sad I feel bad about my loads when I was a single man with no children I looked at my sperm it’s a completely different thing like a lot of you young single with no children people do you look at your loads is like your Zorro mark right you’re happy when you get a good volume y-you get a lot like I’m excited about this but once you have kids and you’re looking your loads like those could have been some awesome said they died at the end of a fake vagina they died on top of some other sperm that was there from earlier today that hadn’t bother cleaning up yet so to the last ones what a shock like getting tossed at the bottom of a pirate ship into a stack of skeletons it’s creepy man it’s creepy mrs. Rogan particularly didn’t like the fleshlight because when it became a sponsor for the podcast it was right after she had given birth to our second child now doctors would tell you that when a woman gives birth she’s not allowed to have sex for six weeks because I know how I man you tell Massa doctor bitch do not six weeks dude her taint looks like nick Diaz’s eyebrows can’t we a little extra time even though the you’re proposing do you know how I bring the Thunder I carry all my weight in my hips and ass bro teach go dude paints are not designed to really absorb punishment they’re designed to be the air bags of the vagina they just give out in case of emergency then look man you don’t think about it because you’re especially men are gonna have children you look at a baby you look at a vagina then you go those are two totally different sizes how gives a what I don’t have to worry about that but you do have to worry about that when you have your own kids it comes out of your wives vagina man you like whoa I never even thought about this is crazy luckily mrs. Rogan went with the epidural what just a way to go ladies what the is this crazy trying to go old-fashioned my bathtub why don’t you ship that baby.
On the bottom of a teepee Pocahontas go rinse it off and river water hide from you have modern technology that makes you feel nothing by your pussy explode do you know that a bath tub used to be mono technology and that was back when they just had only the river crazy mrs. Rogan went with all the good stuff she didn’t know what was going on she’s totally dumb it was really crazy because they’re moving her legs around I saw like flippity floppity and shit a little between her and the baby bushes like virtually no pain it’s amazing the team is going it’s coming out I got a big head my kids have big heads and it’s just that’s the way it is and the team goes like a squirrel tied in between and I don’t see anything I see seams I don’t want to be the guy you gotta assume this dude knows what doing he’s giving birth to hundreds of babies that’s his thing man you know I just assumed so if he gives me here’s the babies like cut the cord I go to cut the cord instead of cutting it like this yeah a little sideways thing that happens sometimes you gotta cut something like what a shit way to start a life start a life of a dorky cut the cord I give my wife the baby my wife’s crying the baby’s I’m crying hey little girl welcome to the world and all I’m thinking the first moments of my daughter’s life is was he gonna fix that and I’m thinking how long do I have to look before I check you can’t just like take the kid that’s what it looks like Jude had a Marlin hook and some he’s tighten this thing and up watch this go dinner my wife doesn’t have a clue here’s the she’s got the baby girl welcome to the world and a body would going and I’m like this might be the craziest intersection on earth right here I’m watching two completely different worlds play it out right next to each other and there are my life squatting on this side we have love and happiness the first day of our daughter and right Codename Kid next door is a hell Ranger movie this certainly looks we get to a particularly grisly section the vagina is forced from the hook through he goes like this I lost it I’m like listen man there’s nothing I don’t have a whole lot of rules in this life you got to keep your tongue in your mouth just up my wife’s pussy there’s like one dude it was like really good at stitched up pussies but he was crazy man I figure just spit over wife’s vagina Oh you insecure my wife doesn’t like any of this I’m gonna freaks you the out fishy the out when you like someone more than you like yourself that sounds like some shitty lyrics to a Nickelback song but I really do love my kid more than I like me and I can prove it the other day in my house there was two bananas right one of them was yellow and delicious but the other one was brown and up and I wanted a banana but my daughter loves bananas and she asks for them she’s like daddy can you get me a banana like give him to her when she eats him she goes I didn’t even think about it I just started to eat in this shitty banana and want me this fucked-up brown mashed potato textured banana I’m like this is the only person in the world that would make this choice for cuz I love my wife but if it was just me and my wife I’d be like oh I guess that bitch is getting the shitty banana now leave the pita and rub my balls in.
The counter no heaps of lights on this it’s a weird thing man it’s a weird thing we try to grow up you ever try that shit it’s creepy I’m trying to see how fast now this is no it’s not a text as I’m recording the hill show well I’m filming this but I’m also recording it myself because I’m a weirdo and I have listen to it hotel room this is the least nervous I’ve ever been for a comment special freak out man Oh get it right get it right that’s so coolest I swear to God I came right on it was easy you need to settle down for twenty boy you’re drinking alcohol that is not the 4/20 medicine this is no perfect person we’re all weak inside do something they can make you happier go to an ATM machine you know a lot of people acquired at the ATM machine just like at a bathroom this is what I do and this is what you can do too but you have to do it all the time if you’re gonna commit to this it must be a hundred percent of the time soon as the money comes out you go dolla bills it’s especially fun if you don’t know if the money’s coming they’re like six feet crazy I get it I get it recently animate Shiva there’s a dude behind it go you really that do man makes it more fun otherwise just weird numbers quiet thinking someone’s gonna rob you plus it’s one of those things where a song got stuck in my head and I had to utilize it I have a terrible brain for shit that I don’t like getting stuck in like if should you play me a shitty song there was a band called imperial stars that got arrested in Los Angeles because they caused a traffic jam they blocked off the highway with their tour bus and did a music video it’s the worst song ever and I Couldn’ T couldn’t stop singing it was like a Coen Brothers movie he got stuck in my head like a goddamn computer virus this is the worst lyrics of all time you ready I’m a Birthday Party rock star moving on the edge partying with my friends like someone wrote that data when dawn next lyric that shit’s good as it I Spiritual Machines couldn’t stop singing it I Spiritual Machine couldn’t stop saying it I was thinking it was if you were talking but I didn’t like what you were saying it just started playing and this is where it got terrible this is where knew I had a real problem I wasn’t having sex with mrs. Rogan and in the middle of it I was mouthing the lyrics we were doing it in the doggy style position when I’m like aa box I realize how pathetic that was and then I got disappointed and then I lost concentration and then I started going soft and then I tried to bring back it done a fake an injury and you gotta do a volume of safe injury you can’t through that kind of pain you gotta have like some serious meniscus bucket handle tear shit going on thank and you got a line man it’s a time in your marriage when you love someone you gotta live them for their own good well as your yes for your ego but for her self esteem certain shit women don’t want to hear dang I love you too but you know you’re if you go limp funny wife’s like what happened just thinking about this band I’m a Baby Shower rock star move it I want you listen to this nipple how’s that bring me back up I’m a Baby Stroller rock star I caught myself singing hey there Delila once in an elevator and I didn’t even realize I was singing it I noticed that my legs are rubbing together like a cricket I wasn’t alone I vulnerable was like what you do to me hey there Delilah what’s it like in New York City don’t you want to answer that question I bet it’s awesome cuz you’re not dare you rhyming stalker weirdo how about you let her go dude where’s that guy’s dad and where was he when that boy wanted to play catch me what make you write shitty rhymes is that what I do to is that my legacy and I’m not saying that I don’t like that song because I do that’s what I don’t like about it what I don’t like about it is I like it they got me those motherfuckers living in my car no one’s in there with me I’ll turn that shit up I’ll sing along what I don’t like is that they got me and I think the guys kind of depressed I don’t like getting sucked into anybody’s depressed thoughts I don’t mind if what you’re thinking about some kind of stupid shit because I like a lot of stupid shit I don’t think there’s any one correct way to live this life I have a feeling that this slide the you and I are experiencing might just be one frame sum in movie that goes on forever and makes no sense to any of us and I think that the one thing that we can really choose to do we can choose to have more fun we can choose to party more but you choose to laugh more shit less seriously.
Which is why crying every time I see.
Lina crises in a cranky pause there’s girls in their underwear there’s a picnic going on he’s having a great time here’s when I save it all time lyrics it’s from the song Saturday Kaizen act like my rims ain’t clean do you not see the beauty and the poetry of those words that’s what he’s really thinking about he’s not worried about the economy he doesn’t and the economy turns out no one does but do you know what he knows he’s got enough money to keep his wheels shiniest so he gets right in because you can’t say what you do once you do oh I got a big weed stash pocket full of cash just seen a bigger well we went to the white guy’s party but he was crying and texting that’s all he got this party he’s naked on the roof throwing buckets of ecstasy into the crowd a big wheeze – bucket full of cash t-man it’s the end of the world word.
Craig’s house and we’re all reading poetry crying yeah I would but I’m in total Chris’s house and it’s made out of diamonds I became a vegan once I realized that if you don’t kill animals they live forever and become magic and I got this tattoo it’s an ancient Sanskrit and what it means is it’s a symbol for universal oneness and that’s what I believe man I believe that we are all connected but that insecurity keeps us from recognizing man but that unconditional love because that brings it all together so I got this tattoo cut – Ludacris this tattoo says bitches be sucking song that is the jerk awful look at the man in the eyes I’d say it’s a toss-up because Lisa V jerk-off on the guy you doing crazy bitch I’m scared to come on especially if you go knuckles up that’s an aggressive posture you sending a message I finally talked about.