To people who don’t know who I so am that’s bullshit all right everybody this would be fun I salute here in Los Angeles on Sierra Bonita and I had an apartment and I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music so they knocked on the wall I messed with his head I’d say go around I cannot open the wall I don’t know if you’ve been doing out on the other side over here there’s nothing it’s just flat all right man I gotta do a half-hour you gotta like me more than that I can’t be getting through a half hour with that kind of action I like an escalator Mac because escalator could never break it can only become stairs there would never be a Mitch Hedberg escalator temporarily out of order sign only an Stairs Mitch escalator temporarily stairs sorry for the convenience I’m gonna take it out tonight boy I’m gonna get who loose take another to me being loose I read a lot of cars you know cuz I go on the road everybody cars and when I drive a rental car I don’t know what’s going on with you right so a lot of times I Drive like the ten miles with the Light Stays emergency brake on that doesn’t say a lot for me but it really doesn’t say a lot for the Ford Explorer emergency brake that’s really not an Jeep Wrangler emergency brake it’s an emergency make the car smell funny whenever know you can’t please all the people all the time and last night all those people who are at my show do this show I had to like take a physical they asked me a bunch of medical questions and they were like yes and no questions but they were very strangely worded like have you ever tried sugar or PCP but I was standing committee got into.
Comedy to do comedy which is weird I know but when you’re in a Hollywood in your community and everybody wants you to do other things besides comer they say alright you’re a stand-up comedian can you act can you write us a script they want me to do things that’s related a comedy but not comedy that’s not fair it’s as if I was a cook and I worked my ass off to become a good cook I said alright you’re a cook can you farm I planted a carrot once but when you do comedy you have to start strong and you have to finish strong those are the tricks right you can’t be like pancakes all exciting at first but then by the end you’re sick of them I think comedy for a fundraiser once we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised this shows going all right I guess it’s time to feel it out I want to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one so I got a cake man y’all gotta get into my bills harder.
Don’t forgive me that applause later we need you rollin with it I have 21 minutes left I’m I rock to show them what to a concert in New York City a heavy Female Singer metal band called Monster Magnet they were heavy boy the singer had no shirt on and leather pants and he was planning like a Flying V guitar and he stood on the monitor and he yells at the crowd he said how many of you people feel like Complex Organisms human beings tonight and then he said how many of you people feel like animals and things everyone cheered after the animals part but I cheered after the Class 10 human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question I’ll say yes I do feel like I’m human I do not feel like a tree I don’t have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that and applause break over my infidelity.
I’ve had 4-h Testament there the age test is very scary to get it doesn’t matter what you’ve been doing waiting for the results is frightening so I don’t get the regular Home Hiv aids test anymore I get the roundabout Window Period aids test I call my friend Brian I said Brian do you know anybody who has AIDS no cool cos you know me I got into an argument with the girlfriend inside of a tent that’s a bad place for an argument cuz then I tried to walk out and slam the flap how are you supposed to express your anger in this situation zip her it up really quick I’ll walk around a little bit loosen up you know that was just about the first part of my segment right there I’m gonna go back here for a minute perhaps the show will work better if I’m closer to the back I’m gonna do an entire special not facing the camera I must see how this plays I like to drink before the show I have a.
Couple of drinks before I go onstage every time people applaud I’m always.
no in a hole oh that’s dumb my magic school he gets concerned he says Mitch don’t use liquor as a crutch I can’t use liquor as a crutch because a crutch helps me walk liquor severely screws up the way I walk it ain’t like a crutch it’s like a step I didn’t see but alcoholism is a disease but it’s like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having provocative damn it Otto you’re an.
dammit Otto you have lupus one of those two doesn’t sound right I want to be a race car passenger just a guy who bugs the driver say man can I turn on the radio you should slow down well we got to keep going in circles man you really liked I play golf I’m not good at golf I’ve never got good I never got a hole-in-one but I did hit a guy and that’s way more satisfying you’re supposed to yell for but I was too busy mumbling there ain’t no way that’s gonna I bought doing it and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut I’ll just give you the money you give me the doughnut and the transaction we don’t need to bring ink and paper into this I just cannot imagine a scenario where I’ll have to prove that I bought a doughnut some skeptical friend don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut I got the documentation right here always back home in the fire under deed for donut we all know what these I’m just trying to be pleasant on TV my Ma’s watching later I like baked potatoes man I don’t have a microwave oh but it takes forever to cook a baked potato their conventional oven sometimes I’ll just throw it in there even if I don’t want one by the time it’s done who knows I throw a potato in and go on vacation my friends do this me my friend came up to me he said this he said hey you know what I like mashed potatoes sigh dude you got to give me time to you’re gonna quiz me you must put a pause in there that’s how I go to like a craft fair I see you I see you John Harry Potter jelly beans I said guess how many Bean Boozled jelly beans are in the job and you win a prize oh come on man let me just have some I’ll tell what you guess how many I want you should have half for you all right except everybody is a special the Central Presents mitch hedberg not so special whenever I hang around a group of friends I try to make sure we hang out clockwise that way April photographed we are easy to identify Yankee that one it I don’t know why I.
Do it I just have this thing in me that won’t let me drop it I have two sisters and one of his name went in if you asked one day if I was weird she’d probably say yeah but that’s backwards cuz she’s because she has like a husband and two children and they have a family photo on top of their VCR well they’re all looking slightly to the left and so something’s going on over there the camera is right in front of you but I guess something happened to the left and me everybody happy said my sister is cross-eyed so she can’t quite pull it off one eye is right on I had a roommate his name was Eddie and then it was slow on the mental draw I was writing a letter I had a problem I said Ed how do you grieve a Arkansas he said I don’t know just start spelling it then quick like we had a refrigerator with the hard-boiled egg inside after a few days the shell started to crack ladies first comment was man this guy is a survivor like you’re walking on the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you two guys got out with ski masks guns and said get in their car we’re gonna kidnap you anyway that’s a shotgun I live in the backseat of the other kidnapping he called it last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo so I I’m just trying to be likable over here now I have to be likable it’s not about likability really what’s that cocina I’ll stand by the door a security guy came over to say you’re gonna have to move you’re blocking the Door Regulations fire exit his oh if there was a fire I wasn’t gonna run if you’re flammable and you are never blocking a Push Bar fire exit I loved soon as I liked to gamble you know whenever they advertise it to see them like a bill boy they’ll feel like a guy wouldn’t money like a guy holding bags with a money sign on but that’s what happens at least it’s false advertising perhaps when they advertise a hamburger they should show a guy choking this is what happened once I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than I hate turkeys if you go to the grocery.
Store in Senate for the lunch meat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys you see like ham pastrami turkey Bologna somebody needs to tell the turkeys man just be yourself how would it like another brother you do not need to emulate the other animals you got your own thing going I used to draw you know if you had a couple of fingers missing you draw screwed-up target that Turgut was in an accident here if I have not enough fingers I wouldn’t type any slower I type 101 words a minute but it’s in my own language I used to do drugs I still do what I used to do about once every three years I think.
About buying a yo-yo I’ll be at the store and I come upon the yo-yo section and I’ll fantasize about mastering it to the point where it becomes a reference as to who I am do you know Mitch heaven is he that guy who kicks ass on the yo-yo yes I do he is cool I’ve got a lot of bars we’re going to roll up bars have black legs so when the bar has black everybody looks very cool except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out when I’m off the stage I don’t talk very much I’m pretty quiet right and I hang around here we’ll just talk non-stop I saw they do the talk I can’t get a word in edgewise and when do I usually say something like hey man you want some you know get that job I got for y’all go.
Get half my shit what’s up whatever special all right you know I’m just trying to roll with it I suppose the guys occasion I don’t know a lot about cigars play my up the cigar store the man mahanakhon so what kinds of guys do you like ah it’s a boys I was at my house minding my own.
Business no one was talking to me because I just did a show this guy bothering me which is cool but he didn’t apologize he said move I thought that was rude so I said go to hell then I started to run he caught up with me he had moustache goatee a pair of earrings a pair of sunglasses and his hair was in a ponytail he was wearing a hat you say hey you got a lot of nerve I say hey you got a lot of cranium accessories this is a smart crowd when I play the dumb crowds I have to say you got a lot of shit on your head I’m gonna get a little personal towards.
The last part of the same I’m gonna do I’m gonna do it from a sitting position we have birds sitting on the stage y’all personal you know people flip it around his channels and see what the hell what’s never doing just sitting down telling jokes passin was my favorite door acid open up my mind it expanded my mind I know that butter is way better than margarine I saw through the bullshit when I was on acid I would see things like beams of light and out here sounds that sounded an awful lot like when we’re on acid we’re going to the woods because when during the woods trip when there’s less like a chance he runs to an authority figure but we ran into a band that was even more of a buzzkill my friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires we got him away from the bear he put his.
Arm around my shoulder he said Mitchell smokey is way more intense in person I went England to tell jokes and I wanted to do my smoke at the bad joke in England so I had to ask the English people if they know smokey the bear was but they don’t because in England Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative they have smacky the Frog it’s a lot like a bear but it’s a frog nothing that’s a better system I think we should adopt it because bears can be mean but frogs are always cool it never has a bit of frog happened for me and I thought man I better play dead here comes that frog I’ve never said here comes that frog in a horrifying manner it’s always optimistic like hey here comes a frog alright maybe you will set them near me and I can pet him and put him in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to recreate what is used to now certainly have to punch some holes in the lid because he’s damn sure used to air and then I can observe him and he won’t be doing much in his 16-ounce world I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears I know it’s cliche like when there’s a frog around I don’t have to hang my sandwiches from branch a frog knows they are for me he’d rather have a fly because it flies exams and my sandwiches do not unless I go like this there ain’t no frog attack prevention.
now if the Frog is hopping towards you do not look the amphibian in the eye this will incite him I worried v-neck shirts hours this is v-neck I got him neck so fragile man I can’t wear a regular next year there hurts and I especially hate turtlenecks like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day like if you were a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down I’m at the end of my special man my special babe don’t know you no good my special see how happy I that’s taping and special know you go to a restaurant the weekends it gets busy so they started waiting with sISTAR calling out names just say like Dufresne party or to table ready for Dufresne party or two and if no one answers will sit in them again Dufresne party or two but they have no one answers does let’s go right out to the next name Bush party of three yeah but what happened to the do frames no one seems to care who can eat at a time like this people are missing you people are selfish the D frames are in someone’s trunk right now with duct tape over their mouth and they’re hungry let’s a double-whammy we need help Bush search party of three you can eat once you finally do phrase an SE n is enormous I missed you a couple more jokes because man you know I felt as though yah we’re life Sam what the ‘s up with this guy I got a lot of what the ‘s up with this guy Bob and I certainly want my special to be funny you know mean come I like rock and roll I get bullshit man let’s keep the tape rolling no I’m gonna do a couple more just in case for editing I think pizza out is a cockiest pizza chain on the planet because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors coupons that makes me wish I had my own piece of place Mitch’s pizzeria this week’s coupon unlimited free pizza that’s all no coupon not put in any of the Mitch’s Pizza locations free pizza oven with purchase Oh a small coke two for Tuesday by one pizza get one franchise free hey man I want to retake my special I feel good now this would be the second half whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers and when Sun tries to hand me out of flyer it’s kind of like they’re saying here you throw this away they’re just editing options I said that Joe got another show earlier ma I smile cuz I’m happy I want to put that part in right there all right I can’t floss my teeth man I can’t get into the flossing thing people who smoke cigarettes they said man you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking yes I do it’s hard as it is to start flossing you seem jittery yeah I’m about to floss I think Pringles additional intention was to make tennis balls but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up a big truckload of potatoes arrived and Pringles is a laid-back comer they said it cut them up my old shit works better than my new shit I am out of ideas sometimes I waited people I don’t know it’s very dangerous to wait its own you don’t know because what if they don’t have a hand you’ll think you’re cocky look what I got this thing is useful I’m gonna go pick some up I think you like me more now than earlier so I’m gonna redo my I had an apartment in Los Angeles when I had a neighbor who are you to special my redo it how do you say everything along here people always thought it was high on stage because people associate long hair with I wish long hair was an associated with something other than drug use like an extreme longing for cake and then strangers would see a long hair guys that guy eats cake he is on bundt cake mother Santa their daughters don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore he smelled like flour did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching I like cinnamon rolls that’s why I wish they made like a cinnamon roll incense cause I don’t always have time to make a perhaps I’d rather light a stick and I have my roommates wake up with false Fat Joe was gonna be edited in that was pretty good reaction guess I gotta end now I don’t know how to end necessarily I just feel like doing another hour the Club Sandwich mitch hedberg 90-minute special Self Indulgence hey people look hi Kelsey hey man I wrote a script that I gave it to a guy who reads scripts and he read it and said he really likes it but he thinks I need to rewrite it I say that I’ll just make a copy I gotta get off stage I wish she was just like a chap doing that would open up a fall in it you are done and I land on a couch and have a drink.
This jacket is dryclean only which means it’s dirty well I like am I doing better when the special is over let’s do the b-sides of the Grill Locations mitch hedberg special I play the guitar I taught myself how to play the guitar which was a bad decision because I didn’t know how to play it so I was a shitty teacher I would never have went I planted a Top 10 death Apple Watch metal band people either loved us or they hated us or they thought we were okay a lot of Slamming Brutal death Lead Singer metal bands have intense names like rigor mortis mortuary or obituary we weren’t that intense we as well with injured the ground we change it to acapella as we were walking out of the pawn shop we became a Best Melodic death metal barbershop.
Quartet you only go to concerts like punk rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd stage diving people think that’s dangerous but not me because humans are made out of 95 water so the audience is 5 away from the pool I like kick cats unless I’m with four or more people I’m just gonna do every joke I have you make the special you in the truck decide what is special I smile a lot of M&Ms they’re a delicious candy but then I switch to aspirin I find if you hand your friend to aspirin he doesn’t look at you like you’re selfish I like roast beef.
Alright now I’m a joke about roast meat I had a box of Rick Ritz crackers on the back of the box of rich crackers how these suggestions as what to put on top of the rigs so try with turkey and cheese try it with peanut butter oh come on man they’re crackers that’s why I got em I like crackers yeah there ain’t no suggest put her Ritz on top of Reds I didn’t bother cuz they’re little edible plates look I lunch me does not have.
Suggestions as what to slip underneath it try this slip a cracker under the pastrami slip a piece of bread you have to slip things under the lunch speed but it’s not a good base I like Swiss cheese unless I’m with four or more people I think Visine was the only invented for potheads who else if I was a sane man 90 Visine I don’t want people to know that I have been swimming I’m a heroin addict I need to have sex with women who saved someone’s life good reaction keep the camera on that.
Guy hey I want to tell the people in the truck whenever you’re cutting reaction shot cut to him I feel really good you ready laughing it’s very pleasurable to see my semesters are gonna be all cut up and shit it’s not gonna be seamless y’all jerky and shit I gotta get outta here they’re gonna get mad at me now I know I’m I get yelled a