Good evening very happy to be here and I.
Have lost some weight might know me is the fat man I’ve Oliver says thank God for the Atkins diet today I had 16 chickens horse a fried egg I lost two now thank you very much keep the laughter coming it helps with my asylum application that’s going through I’d like to thank Jack the BBC for inviting me here it’s a special evening as part of a goodwill generates the United Nations comedy cultural exchange programme tonight I am here and Jim Davidson is being buggered in Baghdad right now systematically and without cessation my United States troops now most people I see people misconceive us in the North Africa middle east most people associate the Manager Jobs middle east with oil phlegm and halitosis I’m joking we’re running out of oil but that was saya and people think that we have this big thing against America we love America in fact Iran after 9/11 we showed our support by removing from early morning prayer the words death to America 48 hours it’s a great gesture but we like him it’s the UK that we like very much carry on since this is fantastic especially the one with the big nostrils because air is it what’s his name what’s his name um Kenneth Williams nah he’s very we like him because he’s very confusing one mate is a pretty posh and then if don’t missing about but a cockney and we like to use this when we come to Heathrow Airport when they say excuse me sir can you come to the little room I got air they put on the plastic glove I say you won’t find bin Laden in it’s her you’re maybe confused I know.
I’ve been in this country all my life this is just an accent and I have to say that I was educated in West London a very lovely two years I was sent to the Feltham young offenders institute I studied brutality buggery and qualified me for a job at PC world Brantford you see in onion country we don’t have this stand-up comedy we have what’s called the joke and a song concept we just like to tell a dodgy ethnic joke then sing a golden oldie it’s a more rounded evenings entertainment I’ll give an example in a new joke so there was a shipwreck lifeboat middle of Pacific Oceans to add up an Indian and Iranian shark attack eat I repeat the Iranian only Indian by shark come to him and swim off and the Indian pray oh god why did you save me and the shark says I had one of you guys last year and my arse is still yes see I are the tiger is that key to through the challenge of a rival and the last known survivor that you Barry reader and the lotto speed idea of the thank you so much and its people thank.
You very much you say boring you bastard do you think that’s boring but I love you so much see the two sides of the Foreign Policy middle east and my this posture come to my carpet shop I have the finest carpets I’ll take your customs this is what happens with because people ask me all this but they say things like Saddam Ito and Saddam Hussein and what’s happening to Saddam I said look face how the hell should I know Stannis is ranting and raving a lot he’s saying things like he’s saying you know the statue that was pulled down obviously that of a double after the Joker did some work but I have to say that he’s ranting especially against slobodan milosevic saying Milazzo which is a busta is a bastard is it killing ethnic cleansing gassing stealing all of my ideas last 10 years which if you can’t write your own material don’t come licking mine Milosevic is the Bobby DeVoe of despots they said to me you want to be a Jehovah’s Witness I said wallah I never saw the accident jolene begging of you please don’t take my Eman boarding well thank you for your support I’m.
Still wearing it but a point I make is this the world leaders that these are the evil ones all the ones they’re making all the problems Arafat and Sharon especially Ariel Sharon always making the big speeches saying we will not negotiate with the Palestinians oh did I stop doing him in a French accent ala fact is very confusing no one knows what he’s talking about this mr. elephant how do you answer accusations you’re getting and more incoherent he says the cities of strange notes with action on always saying we will not give back your occupied territories zoo in Bordeaux and Marseille okay let’s move on with the impressions my name is Michael kind not on my paper know that thank you very much a bit of sir my next impression is Godzilla yes you heard it having his tour stepped on see I don’t care if you don’t laugh because if you don’t laugh I will cover it with belly my next impression is Godzilla having a bad dream my next impression the teacher from Christmas Tree charlie brown what I think you will find that spot on one eye my final impression is my great hero South Africa nelson mandela becoming the teacher from Easter Beagle charlie brown this takes great skill after 30 years of peg and puzzle I have to say it is correct disappointed to farm my wife when he wouldn’t walk unbelievable no one that’s you know I did that this morning in the middle at home naked on one black sock I pissed look I tell what you call an honest.
Iranian businessman as if in your hands I want to stay forever home and away with you each day now we mentioned my films as written beerus right talking about my things I was in d’you know mostly Adams come back parts and things like a mummy and gladiator was a variant I do Ridley Scott is from the North East of England this is a big thing I thought he was American business northeast of England is no accent oh only when he gets a bit angry I said yeah I could feel there was a bit of an accent I said mr. Scott what’s your next film because I’m doing a sci-fi film I said ah like a Final Cut blade runner cuz yes you’ve seen that’s it yes it’s what you think of it it’s a Ryan Gosling blade runner is okay it is okay it’s beauty brilliant Buster I walked away cos Ehrmann are cold is a fat what showers gonna do you boot it see I do the accent because even in Iran we know Newcastle is a shithole like no one has pickles my accent oh my god well there you go ladies women that’s little ethnic thing I do at the beginning because I could be doing a very hard line political statement about racial stereotype but the truth is the accent gets a few big laugh some people love me so why rock the boat and the truth is I used to be a management consultant and I oh it’s true and some of the office told me I was really funny so I thought I’d give comedy bit of a crack and I’ll tell you what tell you what it’s going really and this is Apollo 8 and guess what I’m.
Feeling so comfortable until gray and because it’s all stand-up malarkey is really you got me really tough you know something I’m not already used to like it I was an island recently and the Irish people very forthright if they don’t like you they just say hey you’re a funny man you take funny you’re shaky a big fat bastard commuting you can do that job you’re a big fat bastard we shot so you ought to give it back I said what makes think you can do your job the big fat pot-bellied forklifting Irish twat you look like your Android son you’re such unity which it was amazing and for those of you who don’t really know I’ve been doing lots of anti racism comedy workshops for Millwall Football Club there’s been a real revelation and you have lots of you know lots of youth and skinheads there and ethnic minority shares his culture Iranian comic may have this Korean juggler comes on it’s fun we had an Indian bingo caller which is if you haven’t seen it it’s great just comes on he goes okay everyone get your cards ready and here we go kebab well done number one hot vindaloo twenty-two chutney writer poppadom naan who’s at the door because just an example of the kind of.
Stuff I used to do before 9/11 no it’s very happy but then 9/11 happened and people were saying you know what’s gonna happen to your act and people don’t realize I was so completely about emotionally in turmoil see you want to surely understand that Current Events middle east some people especially Iranians we’re very emotional people were very passionate ever about everything even in love it I am married to an English person and you know she’s very cool but for us when you’re in love you make noises as oh I love you so much was it my bad know you start because we said I know but we do crazy things that I love you so much I love you so much I let me show that in my own cricket with a new bitch and she’s so calm just took the poem on oh thanks and lots of people stopped seeing my act I’m not a lots of people but really ethnically aware here people like who live in Putney or East Sheen’s of you know people you’re such a credit to your community it’s so great you know the kind of people who even get my name right because we can pronounce his own media jelly we even know what it omid means hope Jalil means the great one the hope of the great one what a wonderful name but we’ll call you Trevor if that’s all when I said that makes so ethnically aware these people can pronounce anything ethnic with the correct accent and if you’ve seen this people say a great theatre company called look they at food dilemma me to pick the bell from France really good and what’s that Spanish dance company the Spanish thing the dance thing was it called the M that’s right of course the OI Emilio get acocella California procure music and being dance workshop I’ve allergies yours Morgan loads what’s that Nigerian company the UN techo a killer may wonder what is going on at God’s beliefs from Lagos really experimental and these people were the ones to judge everything you’ve ever went shopping with my wife to Tesco for any come atlases give me just about shopping with your wife nasty question why does your wife happen to walk 20 paces behind you but that all about as if it’s not a sexist she’s weighed down by the shopping shake you know I was because I couldn’t abide by all my iranian brethren suddenly saying we’re from persia no we’re not ready with in Persia so that makes a big difference a people know you’re from Persia you mean next to Assyria Mesopotamia and Thrace what a noble race having always been like a Persian cat yes a sweet Persian cat good love an Iranian cat no Iranian cat has a bomb under the body warmer government and so I was very big after 9/11 very big on my culture yeah on the kingsroad you can play backgammon on the Kings are in London and yes you play back I’m I speak loudly Persian my friends go buy some of the bars in baggy 71 acid his Brian Blessed is very big in Iran I should tell him bless is that and then something happened to me where got I basically got thrown out of a public library for breaking wind and the point it was silent it could have been anybody but I was you know and I want to repeat this comedian thrown out of library for farting which was you know so I had to fight this so I took on a lawyer and I took on an Indian lawyer and Indian lawyers are really cool that you know they’re very easy Tareq they can see read between the lines enjoy it the real Indian that the ones are the big accent because they tell you and be more esoteric you know not the I’ve got some lots of lawyers who kind of talk like a very kind of like Porsche you know but they adapt their accents at home for their mothers they say Omid before we play tennis do you how I was going to tell my mom hang on mom I’m good written is up I can do I feel like okay come on let’s go you know what that kind of lawyer you want a proper Indian educated guy because will not happen he has a most spiritual way of looking at things just tell me what happened as I was a library reading a book next we very uptight English lady next to her an old army you know general type you know the kind of type who starts a sentence but gobbles the end with unnecessary laughs Tina people say as with the war that’s quite funny isn’t it weird boys who young boys this is the English people next to me and a track one off and it just silently walked it over well my next move is your I think it’s a bit of a suppose just your horrible said I think it’s him because I did nothing of the sort though in my time I was quite a fighter though it wasn’t with us at audible we have every Arya and they said security as a dunk course it gets security and they came over cuz sir I have to ask you to leave is he constantly got for me other farting could be anybody and I show me I said my lawyer they threw me out some because this is very I said watch your nakedness as well I say whoever smelt dealt it she’s gonna deny that Robert denies supplied it work in the Cougars who ever shopped dropped it I understood why I was picked out because it’s the media always presents me you never get you know a little liberal man suit or every time the news says now to get a Global Warming balanced view of the Engineer Jobs middle east we now go to Muslim nutcase with a hook it’s down still for a second we’re outside Finsbury Park mosque air like a some tell us your thoughts when I believe left to America I’ve got to blow myself up right now death too less there is death to Pauline Quirke therefore all BBC sitcoms I’ve got to kill myself right now whether you have it there’s the voice of the Hsbc Bank middle east with the weather not to put too fine a point it like al-jazeera saying and now to get a Eu Referendum balanced view of the Clear Lake christian west we now go to the Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan well thank you Mohammad we believe in death to all darkies Jews and Arabs everywhere we believe in creating a white supremacist stake in the middle of Egypt with his headquarters in Arkansas with the Lord Jesus with a burning cross going yee-ha well there you have it there’s the voice of the Palm Beach christian west here’s Fatima with the sporto here’s where the latest uh we have the latest video from Osama bin.
Laden having just left Afghanistan all by myself don’t wanna be but you know I should say this is that basically I’ve got very disturbed that will this boy everyone’s saying that religion is the source of all evil I know it’s religious people it’s is practice it’s George Bush basically and you know and he is mistaken now he’s a very misconceived mad cuz he said one thing that helped most Top 10 middle eastern people especially in the West we reassured us when he said this is not a war against Islam itself or indeed the country of Islamia you see and people say well America’s EBUS now you can’t make fun of them out America’s are too nice I was in I’ve been American at a while and the people that you know if you watch the Anne Robinson weakest link in America you know it’s that too nice got an Robinson he’s after a pathetic man over there goes after a possible $2,000 you scored $200 good job you know your teddy you are the Computer Security weakest link but that’s just in the game because outside the game you so rock they’re just too nice and even you know even if you go to a comedy club they’re not allowed to heckle the hip it was okay but there if someone heckles you’ve got two bouncers excuse me sir you not allow to heckle the comedian has an act he will finish that act maybe the end if you want to give him feedback so imagine my shock I’m very proud to have done stand-up on Broadway actually just off Broadway I could actually technically off Broadway it’s an Indian curry festival in Pittsburgh but you know gigs a gig so you can imagine my shock doing a three night run on the first night you know it’s really the first I think just the hatred is bay but workers here either with a limey Iranian hump if I you fly in from where Bongo Bonga when you try to make me laugh or my Hut saying what do we need until you take a few hostages your big fat tub of shit hey you take your itchy woodsy Iranian ass hell out of here either and that was passport control which I took them one way I revealed something.
Else but storm the Christmas party actually it was very fun doing and even you know even in the West you know there’s all this hoo-ha about The Passion of Christ it’s ridiculous and you know people said what do you think what the Pope they did a screening at Vatican the Pope said it is as it was no we can’t choke is that the same thing about dude where’s my car in Van Helsing you can trust but the brown sugar makers that Abu Dhabi middle east has so much to offer except for you know we’ve got some of you know most of spirituality starts in the Blank Map middle east and we want to share with you in the West all the religions and spiritual things come from the east with it we should share spirituality with the West we think why because in the West people need it I think why because drink they take drugs that are kept why because they’re not happy why because they’re empty why because I don’t have God why because they don’t need him why because they’re actually quite happy why because drink they take drugs then we also share very much and you know we believe that people like Barack Obama nelson mandela come along and Mandela is a wonderful figurehead for the whole world and we appreciate him in the Top Gear middle east it was a wonderful thing when he came out of prison thirty years he came to Wembley Stadium and he said it was amazing speech because I want to talk about three dickheads so what was it – a big bird FW de Klerk who’s the third they gave us three dickheads I was in prison and now I pleasure to be here with you wah-wah-wah-wah 42 house luck even out holiday for two in business talk we know something it’s been weird doing stand-up especially in this wonderful space where people used to do Shakespeare here a long time ago she seemed especially C Shakespeare now the rules chefs because ver kind of you know small Twelfth Night shakespeare company activities you’ll grapple with the text by slowing down and speeding up again for no reason and incest as much unnecessary emotion in parts of the text where it does not the thing is I was like you know comics shouldn’t try I was trying some Shakespeare I was so bad I had one line at Macbeth had to come and tell Macduff that his wife was dead one line I’d say your wife my lord is dead that’s all I’d say your wife my lord is dead but all my cousins in the audience as well so soon as I come out they’ll go oh yeah nice Linnea later I forgot my line instead of your wife I said wife my lord is dead not the husband walked off I hope Macduff the guy what about my I came back oh yeah she’s dead too doctors yes lot a bit about Elizabeth before I go would you said I really don’t know how to finish these shows because it’s a big theater and there’s a theatrical part me that wants to take a big bow because it there was of course actually want to try I don’t show you this if you seen those Royal King Lear shakespeare company ballets a wonderful you know they’re all shapes of companies very you got a bow very quickly and your mints off in a namby-pamby way which is great so just at the end of Hamlet and I walk off massive round of applause I’ll do the bow and so here’s the end system Hamlet is dead so come let us feast for tomorrow we excrete and of course the there’s a very.
Bad student theatre pal we’ve just seen the most appalling Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf you can’t leave because gotta walk past the actors we could just practice a slow but sustained round of applause very slow news practice of a polite okay who’s the exit we got the three gives the same here’s the bout of a guy who’s been so bad but thinks he’s Olivier I can want you three so I’ll take my bow in a minute but.
Before I go I’m gonna finish with some Emi World disco dancing for no reason but before the disco does this is typical Iranian pub jokes man wants to sell his dog since you wanna buy my daughter’s what I buy a dog for is the dog talks he’s your dog does not talk you and the dog says if I may interject I speak four languages and I have an adventurous spirit I last year I swam from Dover to Calais the year before that alone with the pack of Huskies I conquered Antarctic the first dog to do so this is dub talks what you want to selling because I can’t take the lies anymore go get the stand now so no German before go I don’t need this here before defend isn’t it I’ve got a very big crowd pleasing end trust you large but it’s a kind of unity dancer – fun dancers it but you’d have to shout this because a bit of John Travolta disco dancing for no reason to finish off the show so you have to really sharp red you want to see some disco dancer before we go okay Joris this is Complete Guide disco dancing from 1979 here we go there we go you happy now you’re happy now okay first of all you get middle-aged ladies from Margate standing in a circle dancing in Miami each other have you seen the wake up Iranian blokes like me who do kind of.
Unnecessarily complicated dance Rosie got English PhD students from Warwick.
University who are still influenced by you enjoy that one I don’t enjoy that.
One you enjoy this but of course you’ve got Universal man who are 2:00 in the morning to shut his eyes and minds musical instruments for no reason.
Last but not least there’s a shy person.
In all of us the shy person all of us who already dance in quick bursts of you mean love New Orleans thank you very.