100 countries he holds the world record for internet downloads and to solar the 7 million DVDs he is won two Primetime Emmys three Golden Globes and eight doctors and now as the fastest-selling like Tori British history so please welcome to the stage all the way from London Godfather the company that is the English king of funny.
so much spending you’re tired but you’re not just being a microphone now ah it’s fantastic to be here in the greatest city in the world thank you so much this is um my second night in New York I did a few gigs in Los Angeles but a lot of those we donated the money to the American Cancer Society so this is better because I keep order but we did raise thousands of dollars or hundreds of pounds whichever way most unlikely the third world country I don’t think it’s right way Ricky Jones are you still doing stuff for charity shut up I do too much now I don’t how much they raise for cancer alone last year it doesn’t matter why isn’t give us a ballpark figure millions and they are welcome to it but I will say this if I have to get cancer myself I’m gonna walk into the nearest hospital I’m going right I paid for that machine get her off it talking of little bald I did the teenage cancer gig last year at the Royal Albert Hall I’ve done it before I did it in 2006 but they called again last year we’re still ill you lasted no it’s a great gig and the teenagers with cancer getting free and everything that’s the sort of guy I I’m done I sit in the front row oh lucky little and they get to come backstage afterwards and meet me what tree that is for them so much better than going to Disney World where the rides could make you sick of you in that state so meet in me it’s thumbs up so I was doing the pic this last time and I look down I recognized one of them I thought only a came backstage two years ago he was turned him about his illness and I signed some stuff for him and said he just turned 18 and how hard it was and I was thinking well that was two years ago so now he must be twenty saw the is eastern a lying little shit he was lying about the cancer he was riddled with her into laughs but he shouldn’t so I was doing the cake and he was laughing along and I thought yeah you laugh shut up I was fuming and they’ve got too much me I went oh it might recognize when you came backstage two years ago yeah you said you’re 18 yes so you’re 20 now I went yeah I said get out and I called security and they a struggle but he was weak they worked out in the town although they had trouble getting older to start with but then they go in and they poured it it’s drip nearly had someone’s eye out I went getting out the crowd started booing I won’t hear that I don’t want to see someone like you take the piss Abby off you go cheers everyone that’s a big car on it I’m not showing off I want you to know that is a big can and I’m not a oh I did the big gun charity gig last year for autism and like most people I only experienced of autism until recently was Dustin Hoffman’s brilliant portrayal in Rain Man but I’ve just got this new house in London and the neighbors were coming around hi poking their noses in basically but I thought you know I’ve been nice to him for now when I get a big gate they can off and one couple they’ve got an autistic son and the mother was talking to me so this is Douglas he’s 17 and he never goes out because he hasn’t got any friends so I thought okay this is where I can show him that you know I’m a rich handsome man off the telly but I’ve also got a heart of gold and I said I’ll take him out yeah so I went look on the Saturday – and she said oh he loved the zoo and the zoo was only about a mile from my new house in Hampstead of it and so I’m walking along the street with Douglas okay and he doesn’t take his eyes of his moment all the way along although almost cheap like that and his mum’s in the doorway she’s waving the German she’s crying right eventually she shut the door and she goes indoors I hailed a cab and said right take us to you’ve got to make it work for your onion so I signed him in you had a little suit I never thought this is gonna be brilliant okay I went straight to the blackjack table that’s their best one I don’t know why there’s that they’re brilliant know that I won’t oh great Doug do you know the score that too for good and one for bad do you understand he went yeah so I was always been I was about a thousand pounds down in half an hour Alan so hold on Douglas do that thing count the cards do that thing Hamelin there’s a good card coming tell me back to four good work join us and he went yeah another thousand pounds down I thought what sort of an autistic so oh I was confused I drew some toothpicks on the carpet now many went I don’t know I did the same I can see the seven fear well why did I get that one so I took him back home and I said to the mother there’s been a mistake it walks like Rain Man but he’s got no that clever shit I know he’s wrong but I don’t want to talk about if I do an awful lot for charity but I think some courses are more worthy than others joking aside obviously cats is a very worthy cause autism’s are very worthy but I got asked to a benefit gig recently for sufferers of obesity but she went sufferers of obesity I went do you mean fat people should know because obesity is well she actually went no because she was eating he went good no just you know between she went obesity is a disease there no is it you just like there is no a disease I said what’s the disease she went everything tastes good everything yeah not salads it’s not a disease is it leprosy is a disease can you imagine Jesus in the temple people shuffling up to him batteries going Jesus my face is falling off I can’t stop now as a fat chick on a third pie it was that they make excuses don’t like fat people they say glandular it’s not glandular it’s greed okay it’s big bones yeah big bones covered in meat and gravy they complain and it’s their own fault of our own being fat no I’m not gonna get into that Oh aeroplane seats they’re not big enough for someone like me no because if they were we’d only get 12 people on the plan it’s not fair it is fair that’s what does it and if we’re talking about fair this and aeroplanes why is it I get the same luggage allowance as a guy who’s 400 we’re both allowed to carry on 32 kilograms to the plane I don’t know it used up his 32 kilograms on his tits it’s not a disease I saw a documentary back in England about this woman who was 350 pounds because she ate Ted burger and fries a day now do it 10 separate meals of burger and fries 10 separate trips to McDonald’s but in the cab I didn’t even walk one wasted calories okay so to stop rate in these meals they wired her jaw together so she liquidized 10 burger and fries a day now she’s on burger smooth is now she’s not even queueing that used up three calories God so lonely but old she gets fatter so they admitted her to have that thing done where you staple your stomach together and she’s sitting there in hospital looking all depressed we’ve gone in for an hour before an operation like hair smock Christ knows where I got that right and she said it’s a really dangerous procedure but it’s the only option left jogging know you don’t even walk salad you don’t like the taste 3:9 burger and fries a day to start new it’s a start where are we have some fat people in Britain but um you like everything else are the gold medalist of that as well dude I saw this episode of Jerry Springer it was called Jerry Springer saves the world’s fattest man you’ve gotta watch that so he’s there going okay let’s try and save this guy’s life he’s got a heart of gold as well he’s like me right so it cut to this guy home at his house they couldn’t ring into the studio there’s a camera crew there and I say house he was it in a trailer obviously and um he it was like a big blob on the bed he sort of filled the trainees and uncooked seif right it was able to see though his eyes in this doughy mess he was going I don’t want to die Jerry I don’t want to die and I felt sorry for him I got over that but and listen how much do you weigh and he weighed a thousand pounds oh no my point is this when he waved himself one day and he was say 500 pounds did me think then that was a lot didn’t he go that’s a lot for a human for what is essentially a world mammal that’s a lot I’ll only have ate breakfast today I’m gonna go I’m not a little bit overweight myself the other night so much now with no shit I thought it could be that another gray you go to the doctor’s do you not either way you’ll just constipated start again that’s happy quickly all I had to go doctor for this tour for this some medical I say tour I was a lion do all the other mine too I didn’t do the middle bit nothing wrong with a little bit oh yeah if you’re watching the DVD I love a medical and um I like medicals before for TV shows they check your pulse and go fine you’re not going to die in the next six weeks go ahead but went on to Harley Street and he said oh it’s a bit more thorough than usual cuz it’s you know so high insurance just this big gig so I went fine said we need the urine sample fine so he gave me this little file right and I went to toilet filled that up good as gold gave it back to him still warm but it is we but when it’s cold we it’s sort of just chemical but when it’s wrong way it’s not a biological do not mean it it’s from my body that it’s wrong because it’s my body heat some of which is probably Willie he very hot penis it’s the Sancta what I’m saying is it started off as cool temperature but they’re not to go through the Willy which kept it warm like a laughed pipe and it was only a very short journey so it lost there it’s fine that is average okay it’s on fire it’s in proportion fine it’s absolutely fine there’s nothing wrong with Sam I’ve got an incomparably that mine is the only one I’ve seen I haven’t seen it for a while doesn’t I look silly tartufo Karl good night I don’t ridiculous if we look ridiculous I’ll look at my big copper you look I get ridiculous you look better with an average one whatever size is it looks fine on me also by the tooth but one I’d fight every time I got an erection which is mean I’d be lying there with no bloody knees this top it’s I’ve never thought about it before but it’s about it don’t worry about it it’s fine it really is I don’t know I’m worried that you think Oh what it’s just I it’s if you saw me like if you wouldn’t go that’s the tiniest cop I’ve ever seen it you wouldn’t let it eat look you guys have my naked man you know and the doctor can’t tell you because he’s taken an oath so you’ll never find out okay so I gave it the we okay the wet hot winning weed from the lodges from my bladder and average penis and the yellow we went thanks right loving that anyway so and then he went all um can you strip down to your underpants okay so I strip down to my Allah someone’s power X escaped so it said can you strip down to your underpants oh and good as gold off of the one day I wear white Underpants big wet patch from the way be careful you know check your underpants you do that you put it away maybe that always happens but I’ve never had a we they’re gonna go back to it my underpants post we view checking the wind is gonna turn out any minute and he’s gonna see but any did IV saw it spent away he sort of went that looked away all right and I tried to hide it I was one of those persons just knitting I tried to pull it over but it ping back and he saw it you have to touch it when he said path it was really embarrassing well I tell you oh yeah anyway so that happened I went the South bikes the apartment of doctor okay when I went home and I told my mate I said all what happened and my mate said you should have gone commando brilliant well they’re having much less embarrassing wouldn’t there so according to him I should go oh no of myself what can do know I take them off to dry as a bone doc should’ve gone commando under pants.
when you iron Underpants well auto commander nowhere in our defense I’ve never heard of that I’ve never heard that very good they’re gonna see that at least oh they’re definitely gonna see it now this barbed wire you’re gonna lose that sittig on commander thank you I’m a bit overweight myself I’d never worried about before I was famous and I’m not vain and now it’s that you read about yourself and the papers they need non-objective they can’t just say Karl Pilkington ricky gervais is comedian they say things like Stephen Merchant ricky gervais is tubby comedian why you say that why bring into it it’s like you can’t get more specific than your entire name wicked you raise what does comedian you Japanese comedian fat bloke I know yeah one paper called me rotund comic I’m not rotund am I there was a picture in that two English papers this weekend okay a paparazzi got me in Los Angeles I was just sort of standing like that and it was in the Daily Mail and the news of the world and they put a question underneath it is Ricky pregnant I’ve been referred to as a chubby funster that’s like a gay name oh it comes the chubby funster I was jogging once right with my ipod on yeah looking good right paparazzi gommi full page in the pay for the next day with a headline iPod cheeky anyway where was I oh yeah all the charity work do I don’t really talk about it but I do what the first big charities I’ve got involved with years ago was when I worked the University of London was the Trust Walk terrence higgins Trust which is the big AIDS charity in Britain and it was something it was sort of mid tonight ideas so people were still like what’s this new thing called Annie it’s what’s this – he’s gone from to strength now he’s doing very well he’s gone global but quite a day and everything the last of December World AIDS Day I don’t think I’ll ever take off like Christmas because this God Bond vibe about it and the card companies are mr. trick they usually straight in for anything aren’t they can can’t you cannot get sorry you’ve got AIDS cards they don’t exist yeah or one that plays a little tune to cheer someone up a little relevant tune I know what irrelevant you would be learning stone cowboy it doesn’t matter but I won’t do this in San Francisco I am because you had a bad game I’ll shut up no but I learned the fascinating fact when working for a Terence Higgins for people always learn stuff in my lectures this Duffing true the first HIV virus is actually a combination of two separate viruses that joined in rhesus monkeys and made this rudimentary form of AIDS and this was passed to chimpanzees sometimes chimps are get a bloodlust Aniyah rhesus monkey in it sort of evolved and mutated in chimp because we’re 98.6 genetically identical to a chimpanzee it was only passed to humans and the Heart Transplant first human contracted AIDS when he was chopping up chimp meat and he cut his finger although us the excuse NIDA given as you deaf can’t assemble when you guard the doctor you guys feel terrible Dominique I’m not surprised you’re the Head Transplant first human to contract AIDS how would I got that two ways one you were a chimp up the ass know why how else could I of korah I don’t know you could have been chopping up chimp meat and crate you think of choppy Chimpy finger thing but it waits trapped at the jungle and found that Tim I gave you a blowjob sure I got aids.
From you the way that I got a it’s wrong for meeting monkeys eating will them I was eating them the greatest thing I learned when working for that aids cherry was that this is the best leaflet in the world okay this is a real flyer that came round issued by the Christmas Cards terrence higgins Trust okay they came round the University I worked out in about 1999 okay and it was aimed at the last demographic of gay men who still weren’t taking precautions they treated HIV like an occupational hazard and now a militant against the disease but they wouldn’t take precaution so it sound that last tiny demographic so it’s very hard hitting the front cover is a bunch of bananas with the word I’ve been and why I don’t and it’s basically a 10-point plan of the health advice to not contract HIV and this is the this is the title of this flyer you know it’s going to be good when this is the title know you don’t always to have it’s good to know in it take them an old couple in the doctor’s waiting room just looking to read this digest and she goes it was this know you don’t always to have it for sex told you okay basically ten suggestions of alternatives to that neglect okay I just read some to you number one okay this is real okay number one why not always start for saying why not okay it’s a soft cell they’re not pushing it on yet but number one why not just jack each other off I’m not the New Flyer Larry what does it say well let’s have a look we just let’s do one now okay no more up the ass for us number one why not just check each other off alright number two always start the same really not Oh number two why not just come on his back is your recipe I doctor I’m a gay man I mean no relationship I’m worried about the threat of HIV is there anything I can do just come on he’s back number three oh so I used to read this out to everyone on math and they’d be laughing that we wanted to hit their girl number three why not just come in his hair on the back sure on the back go on the back go on the back where were you I do not know I don’t trust you I’m gonna shower not the hair number four oh okay I have not before or since heard such great use of the term eg as in this next sentence number four why not try so people you think this is really difficult like just please have a go okay this isn’t brain surgery this next one but they put in try okay why not try coming into some fruit eg watermelon need to be specifically thought asses will right they’re not what wrote watermelon thank you and on okay I want to just skip ahead to number 10 okay because this may be the greatest sentence ever written I’ve included Shakespeare in this Dickens the office are you ready for this number 10 okay now I think the bloke writing these was struggling by now I think he’d garni to his boss and said I’ve done it I’ve come up with nine boss when all we need ten really yeah we need ten I’ve got nine we need ten really I’m coming in here through and everything Oh I mean it’s we need to but you need to roads of 5 2005 definitely mr. symmetry I like just come up with another one you’ve got half an hour we go to print you’ve got come on so he went back in and he came up with number 10 at one minute to 6 I think okay number 10 still with a why not okay number 10 absolutely real ready why not both come out of a window it doesn’t even say it’s a first-floor window morning this is number 17 I am trying to educate myself more reach that age where I need knowledge I feel guilty about not knowing enough you know I have a good education but I didn’t make the most of it I think and then I’ve even stopped watching trash TV now when I’m at home I watch and hours of Gold Rush discovery channel in Civil War history channel hours Shark Week discovery channel Ancient Aliens history channel ask me anything about sharks and Nazis there’s they’re not bad as a lot of people make out shark diving Nazis awful eye sharks brilliant amazing creature okay it can hone in on a floundering fish right through the vibrations that it picks up through electrical impulses through sensors in its flank it doesn’t need his eyes but contrary to popular belief their eyes are very good okay but it can smell and taste the slightest human secretion of blood and sweat one part in a billion from a mile away a shark would have found an Frank Nazis rubbish up into our house is climbing every day they went in okay let’s move on Sarge can we look upstairs today there’s no one down here move on Sarge what’s that tapping chef’s time to write a book for Christ’s well it ends a bit abruptly no sequel lazy no not a traditional subject for comedy the old Holocaust but I will say something about the Holocaust and I’m sticking my neck out here but in my opinion I blame that off Hitler he was the ringleader old are both that names died down on it they killed that dead did me no one called naked Adolf nowadays no one else go to school those are Brad and Angelina’s but no that you don’t hear the teacher doing the register Brad here actually to hear a bell from here I do that quick so then one can take a picture of me doing that no but people make excuses for him people say oh it was stupid it was easily led he didn’t mean that what do you didn’t mean that they said oh no he’s influenced by the political philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche right because Nietzsche wrote this paper talking about a Superman he said not all men are born equal and Hitler misinterpreted this when ways he fouled it and think of that you’re a great scholar you’ve done this work and you get a call from the Fuhrer and if your goes I need you yes yeah good what do you want because I just read your book what do you think Batman and Superman everyone’s equal kill all the Jews sorry not everyone’s equal so kill all the Jews I didn’t like that I read between the lines I didn’t mean that that’s terrible you haven’t given it yep you don’t mean killing Jewish people have you what I’ve even in Jewish people a few how.
Many six million that’s all I won’t do any more leave it at six that’s terrible do any more stay for dinner well I will but be careful in future I will are you writing in the other books well I’m scared to tell you about it I won’t do anything what’s a new book called my new book is called the gypsies do we need a moment we shouldn’t talk about such things it’s not like we’re in peace times now is it there’s a little thing going on in a country called Iraq which is not my favorite war my favorite war is oh so many um they’ve got good for different reasons Falklands that’s probably the Falklands because so we won that one and it was great it was a gangster Argentina we go to war with Argentina okay fair yeah the reason is my favourite war is that it was a range war and what that means is the Argentine guns could fire nine kilometres the British guns could fire 17 kilometres so we just parked our ships 10 kilometers away and theirs was fully into the sea and we were shelling the shit out of them it’s the war equivalent of holding a midget arms length and is Flavie you’re just kicking him in the bollocks Vietnam best sound trap Second World War best ending I had to be the end that was a great finale you couldn’t follow that good people to worrying about I got all atomic energy aah oh it’s bad the effects are still being felt today but I ended a war and that’s good and it was discovered by Einstein and he’s a genius and in his 1903 paper he said that light could be described as discrete bundles of energies that when irradiated onto an unstable but what maniac thinks like that really I’m not doctor but I think that’s what turned Stephen orchids man too much thinking you know I mean the universe is expanding course it is on you love that greatest mind on the planet you say oh we should never go as Stephen Hawking oh he’s a genius he’s not a genius he’s pretentious born in Oxford he talks about fake American accent he is actually a hero of mine not my greatest hero my greatest hero is Nelson Mandela what a man isn’t is incredible man incarcerated for 25 years he was released in 1999 out about 18 years now and he hasn’t reoffended I think he’s going straight which shows you prison does work I learned a lot last year about one of your great American heroes W Villa rosa park it was the 200 year celebration of the abolition of slavery in Britain last year we were there a head of you on there but well done but the abolition of slavery wasn’t the end of racism was still inherent in society late as the fifties and sixties in England America and it was this one incident that sparked off the civil rights movement a young black woman called Grand Rapids rosa park refused to give up her seat to a white person on a bus it was the law but she’d had enough and she was arrested for that but then that law was changed but she didn’t stop she started sitting in those seats meant but it’s Hannibal people she stalks the driver when the bus was in motion did she have the correct change rarely did she bollocks Oh some people used to be growing up that 15 16 year old becoming aware and wow you did it to annoy your parents obviously but I think we’re in the dated mid politics from an early age I think everything is charged with politics morality and the way to live it’s in everything fables Mother Goose nursery rhymes and little sayings remember I must be young as six when we used to have an assembly at school an infant store we’d all come in every Monday and sit down on the floor cross-legged and our deputy headmaster each go and tell us a story and it always had a moral that we were meant to think about and this would make us into leaders of moon character-building and he used to take ages over it and he loved it was his best day you know and I’ve every told us about the two mice the Marjorie Flack lazy mouse and the industrious Mouse and it was summer and these two little mice were out in woods the Sun was out the streams were babbling there was flowers there were berries there were nuts I was ah and Pc Remote lazy mouse he just been running around in the Sun having a bite from a berry throwing the rest away there was loads it’s never gonna run out industrious Mouse he never berry sure they’d eat it all and he put one away for a colder season he knew Turn Off lazy mouse anyone evening about sunbathing eventually I throwing the rest away industrious moment Oh be careful Remote Control lazy mouse because come with I’ll off your square the fall comes some sort of the last ABARES is chewing they’re throwing the rest away he’s just like Cheerilee now it’s kicking through the leaves you can’t see him is if you saw the leaves moving yeah it’d be under the leaves basically you go what’s that it’s nice a mouse underneath in it if you could go under there like the North America discovery channel you’d see Pc Server lazy mouse going it does for this mouse he’s been putting freeze drying those are berries the chopping wood and the it mate made an axe to chop the word here out of a little twig and there’s sliver of flint and she tied on with a horsehair thus enabling him to sharpen stockpile fuel so wind becomes different pattern the grounds hard nothing there’s no fruit there’s no berries there’s no nuts there’s nothing at all on this trees he’s starving and freezing he’s losing his body wagon of course industrious Mouse now he’s in this cottage that he built somehow roaring log fire to sit in there rocking on a pebble knock at the door who’s that obvious in it so he goes over the door looking up to the door it’s Photoshop Plugin lazy mouse and he goes what do you want cold hungry with any food think I’m gonna die he is well I didn’t warn you to know he’s yeah he goes never mind come in there and share with me where’s the moral there around do what you want and then scrounge up a doobie that’s a terrible moral for children oh he told us the one about the boy have you heard that well I’m gonna tell you again boy in the Bible I don’t know it’s I’m the god specific year are I right boy looking after the sheep for the villages that’s his job look after those sheep boy but he gets a bit bored probably a bit sleepy if he’s counting them all right and he thinks oh I’ll have a laughing whoa wolf and the villagers come up and he’ll where’s the wall because there’s no wolf they’re going so next day it’s bored again is that work the treats got very little imagination you guys I’ll do that again okay so he goes Wolf where’s the wolf there’s no wahoo you come next day it’s in there really is a wolf and the wolf comes up and he goes Wolf but the villagers don’t come and the wolf eats all the sheep and we were told the moral of that is never tell a lie no it isn’t the power of that is never tell the same lie twice okay a terrible war for children Baby Shower nursery rhymes Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown which I late and learn meant his cranium I thought was that fell off and Jill came tumbling after and that’s a truth angle of 60 century lovers used to go up to the well behind the prying eyes of the villagers and their spouses now their way what’s the moral there though don’t around with slut so you get your head caved in how is that applicable to five-year-olds I have never worked out the moral to Nursery Rhyme humpty dumpty Goose Club nursery rhymes humpty dumpty sat on a wall Terrible Fate humpty dumpty had a great fall all the Robert Plant king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again all I can think is don’t sit on a wall if you’re an egg how is that applicable to a 5 year old human I mean so don’t sit on a ward you never would you be these family I got mono God it doesn’t make sense if I’m it I win none of us have eggs and there was an egg there it wouldn’t make sense do you go to the egg sit on a wall though I’m an egg Akane I’ve got nothing I know he is what don’t I can’t hear I don’t I’ve got nothing this is I mean nothing this I can’t climb walls for a start so don’t send horses to perform medical of course they can put him together again they’ve got no dexterity they can’t sew to save their life that they’ve got no thumbs that are both alone opposable thumbs they don’t send a single horse it’s delicate an egg we’ve got a cracked egg which we send a horse definitely not a doctor or someone who works with Faberge egg done with we’ve got like half a ton creature with no fingers though don’t sing that got a whole naked thing no chance like that can they put good pop go out they couldn’t scrub up like ah this is a delicate egg horse it couldn’t they wouldn’t even think of fart that’s it they wouldn’t even see it go ahead there what fight’s I said wouldn’t even you couldn’t explain to it if I had to design the perfect egg crushing device it would be a hoof only this as a cracked egg I needed crushing reading poof the hoots great see ya doesn’t matter the Kurt Vonnegut king’s horses or not don’t sir certainly don’t send all of them before we got kicked out of Harvard you know I’d rather rudimentary r45 sigh my France that day and now bloke comes now that the elders are you in charge of all the Joss Stone king’s horses well he’s new yep free to come in well the French have been we’re working towards our setting to mend an egg you don’t be cut what you be we said the mender egg ah if your surname is Dumpty don’t call your firstborn Humpty what sort of a stigma is that so keep it’s already an egg rather piss ripped out of him I bet he jumped off the wall but you were I don’t think you learn things from that I don’t think you learn things that sneaky way through things that are teachers and parents I think your formative years are your peers that’s what you want to be like when you’re in adolescence you want to be like you know the cool boy or the older and luckily I went to a school where all the other boys were idiots and one in particular was amazing he was called David Beasley and I don’t know the politically correct term it was a moron from the office on him and that’s true so you could imagine yeah thank you and we were about porting okay and this the sort of thing used to come out with used to believe anything that was idiotic okay with confidence for tiles just things he’d heard right okay so you came in weren’t three about 14 and he said right it’s amazing right when you get captured by carnivores big problem in bedding where I come from is it when you get captured by cannibals they show you pictures so you get an erection there’s more meat to there they are cooking you in the pot you’ll boiling screaming go please don’t when he was about 15 16 he went on a holiday with his parents and he put a crab in a pint of beer because I told him as a joke that when the crab is drunk it can walk forwards the cravat was drowned by Annie you’re talking shit Gervaise unbelievable hear this do I confess to us once I remember we were in biology class and it was before the lesson and he came in he went oh he didn’t when you hear the story you realize he didn’t have to tell us this he said I was masturbating last night go he said I was up in my room and he said I was naked with my eyes shut with headphones aren’t listening to music as you do stink I don’t know why never must have made to stick in my life let’s dip that in the bag so he’s there I shut the music he said I finished it and when I open the eyes my mum had been in and left me some tea and biscuits now he didn’t have to tell us that did he why would he tell me there but let’s think about scenario let’s think of the mother so the mother goes up the stairs with a try because he loves his tea and David oh I saw the locals oh dear there’s my first mom walking away laughs little monkey well I could just leave and he’d never know I was here and he’d know his mum so I’m coming all over himself think of that your mother walking in on you masturbate him the other way rounds worse shut the door dude my CD back its sting oh he told us a very funny story that didn’t involve him actually um it was true because it made the local paper was about this guy we were about 14 15 so this was like amazing news to us and this other guy was no love whiting was my seventeen and there was a bit of a scandal because he got prosecuted for lewd behavior and what this bloke did he went out the public toilets and he found one of those dodgy toilets nice at there you know that the hole in the cubicle by the glory hole they’re called I don’t know who invented them I don’t know who thought out on I love cocks I hate faces I’m gonna pop a little hole just there wait long enough a come through that’s deep get around to events the balloon does that and the things don’t take off and then did someone just go in one day just one person a little hole it’s probably my in yes it is so he went down to his public toilet okay sat there for hours okay why it’d buy the whole people in and out eventually someone comes in rustles around my comes through oh he sucked him off what do you think he was gonna do for one thing no he’s gonna leave so it’s something I’ll and when they went outside it was his dad I like that in my head for 30 years now you live with it all the toothpaste in the world take the teeth out then it’s take the gums out as well which one of them blab that around town then hi honey I’m home good day there yeah saw Toby how was he was all right I will tell you one story before I go it is toilet-related when I am first moved in with my girlfriend 20 odd years ago our first apartment together was a horrible place in the worst area in London called Kings Cross Oh horrible was a red-light district and there was a seedy place fits all we could afford it was one room okay but I’d like a little kitchenette area so for sanity we moved the little single bed into the kitchen bit so it was like a one-bedroom apartment anyway so at night we’re in a room this big okay the bed literally just fit in I had to push it down the wall to get it in and it came over the doorway about six inches and in bed I could open the fridge door the fridge was there the cooker was there and the sink was there was no the toilet was a shared toilet with all the other apartments in the block and it was two floors down so what winds in the middle of the night when I need a way putting on trousers and going outside or just pop into the sink that one and I’m 20 odd years ago in a sleepy state saying oh at least take the dishes out I didn’t know used to get over the bottom plate lift them all up and we straight down the brother fantastic you don’t get encores in other professions do if you were builder you do a great job you go cheers you go come back as well come back it’s good I left a bit I was talking earlier about I’m trying to educate myself and that is true and I think you know the Internet is probably the greatest resource of information the world has ever seen it’s amazing and there are online encyclopedias you can go into and change you can’t do that in a library can you really can just get that encyclopedia and what you do it might just change in event loads of websites just clogging up the internet by people are doing websites about themselves it’s not my name is Rupert this is my car I like the cure who gives up and the trivia sites which people just load up things they’ve learned and I just think what they wake up in a cold sweat I’ve got two other rule this the peanut is not enough it’s a legume but my favorite are the National Geographic animal facts the Black Panther animal facts are just I think incredible this is from a website called Devon James world’s knowledge okay I want you to think about the people who put this up okay they’re not just the fact but who did it and why they did it what were they thinking okay number one you can lead a cow upstairs but not thanks very much I looked into that it’s true accountant go upstairs but they won’t go downstairs because the way their joints don’t oppose but I think the poor bastard who found that out the hard way come on down you go come on no I don’t go downstairs my way mature I don’t go buddy joins my wives coming even working five minutes get down the stairs you thought yeah I’ve got I tell other people demands number two stroking a spider can cause it to go bald Thanks what sort of mine that goes around smoking spiders Dracula’s assistant I don’t know – is that a problem in the arachnid world – Travis you’re balding are they worried about that matters I’ve been loving it wouldn’t be this giddy there’s no Armani but all the legs all eyes the tooth it I’m Bob who cares adds to it I like it more but no parent is a big problem he stroked a little spider his arm on her now he runs back to the web and all the other spiders go wait wearing a baseball cap for fashion bit weird now just fashion take it off in the web now just keep I’ll just keep on the cold we’re in a cupboard under the sink is boiling take it off now I take it off Oh have you been a human stroke you leave this with polar bears or sometimes cover their.
Black nose during a hunt to camouflage themselves more completely its baronet because sir Park the old no is a perfectly camouflage their white its nose white so sneaking up on a little Assassin’s Creed arctic hare and I get there and the Creed Rogue arctic hare he turns round polar how did they find that out cuz that’s.
Behavior or the polar bear sitting around my not going I’m starving over Java sneak up in a little hair he looks around and he hops up it’s like you can see me I can’t work out voice little hair goes I can tell ya can you see us well I can see where you are and how many there are of you really how you’ll kick yourself I thought Turks he knows his back knows it’s blood oh geez can you see us down my favorite number for Montana mountain goats or sometimes butt heads so hard that their hooves fall off that’s amazing there’s two there they’re looking at female go one goes I like her yeah I’m probably gonna make with it or now I saw her first that’s not how it works as it work we have to run at each other really hard and crack heads it’s that safe oh look yeah yours alright yeah I grip on impact did you know about this what you tell me more enemies never mind that was fate of four months one more amazing fact elephants have been caught swimming up to two miles off the coast in the Indian Ocean that’s amazing I didn’t know that how to swim see I didn’t think I could swim two miles out to sea but it’s the language this person uses have been caught swimming like it’s illegal says the coastguard morning phone rings ringing Yello they’re doing one no I’ll be there that’s me a little bow I’m not jacking a bloke off the army what are you doing nothing it’s not nothing is it what’s that beach ball tell me what you’re doing don’t look at him what are you doing swimming yeah do you know if I’ve coached you are miles is yes it is yes it is you know you’re not meant to do this you don’t cry if you know when to.
I’ve told you loads of times why are you doing it again I forgot get in the boat thanks very much good night